For the past few days I've been re-living Luba's last few days again. Over and over and over again. Most specifically, the call from the vet to tell me that she died. I keep hearing myself screaming "She's dead!" at my mother who was visiting at the time. Nuts. What good is this doing me, or my beloved Falkor? Not much good at all.

I think the whole thing was triggered by the sad ending to my foster-dog Kimba saga. The idiot guy took her "for a few days", but he never brought her back, so, again, I was unable to say goodbye. The emotions with Kimba aren't even close to how I felt when Luba died, but it's brought it all back.

And, yes, I do miss Kimba.

How do I stop the obsessing????

Steph,
I too am obsessing these last couple of days, I cried so hard this afternoon..all I could do is go to sleep.I have been reliving not being there when they did the deed. And the things I loved about him so play over and over in my mind and rip my heart out. Maybe it is because the holidays are here again and they arent. I dont know but my heart has been breaking these last couple of days also, I was awake until 3am last night because I just could'nt shut my mind off. I'ts so hard....I know Pamela

I'm so sorry for your pain. Maybe these feelings hit us for reasons we don't 'understand at the time---maybe it's still part of the process that we need to go through.

Please keep sharing! You're in my prayers,

Kathy

Hi Steph,

I know how you feel. It's very frustrating to think we are doing much better only to have a relapse and find that we're right back where we started. I think it's happened to all of us from time to time so maybe it's just part of the grieving process.

I believe losing Kimba played a role in dredging up the terrible memories you have of Luba's last day. Though not as intense, losing Kimba made you feel the same sense of loss you felt when you lost Luba. It's perfectly understandable how this could trigger a relapse. I don't think it necessarily means you are obsessing, it just means you haven't completed healed over losing your beautiful Luba.

I'm truly sorry you are having to go through this Steph. Just know that you are not alone when you have these feelings and that tomorrow will probably be a better day.

__Jim

"How do I stop obsessing?"

Steph,
I soooooo wish I had the answer to that question. This is some roller coaster ride we're on, isn't it? I do think that Kimba not working out must have been extremely disappointing and brought back a feeling of abandonment. I was talking with someone the other day and something came up about Dieter and I just began to cry. She became upset with me, and said "this is ridiculous, one month is fine to be sad, but you have to get on with your life, this is crazy." I know she meant well, and is right, I do need to stop crying, being sad, it's just sooo very hard.

Sometimes, I too am back at square one, questioning....was it the right time...could he have gotten better in a few days with more medicine....purely torturous thoughts, doing me no good, because what is done is done. I realize this situation is totally different than yours and the pure shock of what you had to experience would be 10x harder to overcome. I knew Dieter was losing his battle, you didn't even know Luba was sick and the shock of losing her enormous.

I somehow feel like we are changed as people forever when we lose a pet that was this special. I really don't believe that one day I won't be sad like I am now, and I'm beginning to realize that. What I do know, is that I'm going to have to figure out how to live with it, I have no other choice. Steph, I hope you are feeling a little better today, and Falkor is giving you some much needed comfort
Thinking of you!
Libby

Hi, I do the exact same things too, periodically going through the questioning/torture stage, wondering if I should have done more and then days of just missing him so desperately, he was just here wiggling around on his back waiting for a belly rub - now he's GONE. Then I'll have a few days or a week of kind of normalcy, although the nagging grief is still there, it's more a "deep inside sadness" as someone else said earlier on these boards.

I agree, Libby, we are changed forever when we lose a special pet. I know the grief will grow less and easier to bear, but I can't imagine a day where I still don't wish he was here with me. I'm figuring it is going to take me at least a year to not feel quite so bad. Until then I am just trying to deal with it. Even the days I don't cry, or if I make it through a week with no tears, I still have a heavy heart. Feels like I am walking on the bottom of the ocean sometimes. And when no one around you understands it is so much worse. I get the same feeling from people I know, that one month was enough.

Hi Steph,
I am sure that when Kimba had to go away it tore your heart open again and the pain came rushing back to you over your darling Luba. I think you are only feeling what a human heart filled with love and loss would be feeling. I am so sorry.
Ann