I have spent many sleepless nights since we lost our little grand daughter Chili Bean. I just can't forgive myself for telling her I was taking her to the doctor man and he would fix her up in no time and make her well. I also told my son I would bring her back around 7 pm I told him not to worry she would be alright.

Many years ago our son Jim had a fever that was 105 and he died but the Doctors at the hospital revived him, he was dead for 7 minutes as a result he had brain damage. So although he is 29 he has the mind of a 15 year old but he does live on his own. I do not know if he blames me for her death, he says he does not.

He is on SSI so we gladly paid all of Chili Beans vet bills so he could have a companion. My husband and I house broke her and altered keeping her at our house and his house every 2 weeks. She was like our own and we kept her the last 9 months of her life when she got so sick. He said we could give her the meds so much better than he could.

I made the long trip to Jackson, Michigan by myself. It is 80 miles one way and the trip home with her little lifelless body in the car seemed the longest of my life. My Snookie went with me and she cried and whined and kept jumping in the back and would come in the front seat by me where she always rides. Snookie was in great distress the whole ride home jumping back and forth. Chili Bean just turned 10 and Snookie will be 11 in Feb. they loved each other.

I'm getting ahead of myself, the vet there is so much kinder and has a lot of compassion so it is well worth the trip when there is something that has to be treated for the rest of our fur babies life. They have re-checks that don't cost anything unlike the vets here who take $2.00 off a recheck and act like it is a big deal. All the test there are so much less expensive than they are here.

I take Snookie there and have always taken Chili Bean there too because she deserved the best too, she had asthma, plus her congested heart problem and copd. She had to take steroids and it caused her to gain 9 pounds in only 4 months.

They took her off them and her last medications were liquid albuterol and prednisone both have refills on them until 10-05 I have not been able to throw her bottles away I pick them up and look at them and cry. I guess I think I deserve the punishment for telling her she would be fine.

I don't know why I am writing all of this but I just felt I needed to. At the doctors office Dr. Tim hugged and kissed Chili Bean and told her he had done all he could for her to help her to live, he told her he loved her. But we didn't know she had cancer until it hit the nerve in her eye and nose, her little nostrils were almost closed shut. She was gasping and panting so bad by the time we got there I was afraid she wouldn't make it inside. He said she would suffacate and die a horrible death if we didn't put her to sleep.

I was all alone making frantic phone calls to the family on my cell phone so the Dr. stood and waited for me to call everyone. I was crying so hard but I saw that he had tears in his eyes and I knew that I did not hate him for what he was about to do because I saw the compassion in his eyes. I knew he was doing what was best.

I always wondered if I would find the courage to stay during the procedure of a loved one being put to sleep and yet I never thought of myself only of Chili Bean.

I kept telling her how much I love her and how sorry I was, oh my darling Chili Bean Grammy is so sorry. She left this world at 4:30 pm. Grampy and I will love you to the end of our days into eternity when we will hold you again.
Ann

The death of Chili Bean and Snookie's sickness and coming death and then the accidental harming of Amber has been to much for us. Not to speak of our cat grand baby that got hit and killed by a car last year. He tore our house apart but we dearly loved him anyway. I have never been this long winded and I didn't know I had it in me, grief does strange things I guess.
Ann

Gosh, Ann, I am so sad about all of your sadness! There's no doubt in my mind that you absolutely did the right thing for Chili Bean. Please don't punish yourself! That vet sounds like a wonderful person.

Please take care of yourself. About Chili Bean's medicines, maybe there's a shelter or rescue group who could use it. I gave Hannah's medicine to a friend of mine who uses her own money to rescue cats and dogs. (I really appreciate your writing me and giving me so much comfort.)
Love,
Marcia

Ann,
Now I understand more where your compassion and empathy comes from, by the time we hit our age group we are either hardened or softened. When I first came here to LS, you we're one of the first to answer me, I could truely feel you cared, you are why I kept coming back here, my family and friends even know your story. I have read the things that you have written and admired your strength in your weakness. Well I had always promised my mom that she would never be in a nursing home, but you know what? I would not have been able to keep that promise because the care she needed was to great, they we're going to move her there but she passed the day before. One of those promises with good intentions but not able to do. So dont punish yourself to much, I am kind of surprised Chili lived to be so old. Those breeds of dogs are not really known for living long lives, she lived that long because she was so loved. And you and your family gave her a wonderful gift....LOVE... I cant even begin to relate to being there to say goodbye.......a source of guilt I have. But I dont have that memory, just guilt. I feel like I am numbing a little, I havent woke up in tears for 3 days now. I wake up and LS is the first place I head too. I am so so thankful I have LS to come to. Take care Ann. Pamela

Hi Ann,

God only gives us what we can handle...and it looks like you can handle an awful lot! I'm so sorry for everything you've been through in such a short time.

I agree with Macia, you did the very best thing you could have done for Chili Bean. You gave her the gift of ending her suffering before it became too much for her to take. I had the same choice to make for Kasha...although she COULD have lived for a few more weeks they would have been long and painful for her. The last thing I wanted for my girl was to have her suffer when I knew that she would die no matter what we did. It was one of the hardest decisions that we have ever had to make but we knew it was the right one for Kasha....just like it was the right one for Chili Bean.

Hang in there Ann...and take care,
Kristie

Thank you Marcia, Pamela, and Kristie so much for your wonderful words. I felt so much better once I wrote what I held in my heart. When I stayed with Chili Bean I told my husband I must be a stronger woman than I think I am. He said I am the strongest and most loving person he knows.

Yet I broke down and cried and told him I could not save the world and the problems sometimes seem so heavy for me. He told me no one expected me to carry all the burdens and to lean on him.

How wonderfully blessed I have been to have him for a husband and a father to our 4 children. We are blessed with 6 grand children and all our fur grandbabies too.

Then I read your words Pamela that you admired my strength in my weakness and it was so touching for me. I am glad that you stayed here partly because of my compassion and my reaching out to you. Maybe I am more like my precious mother than I know. When I was a young woman, a new mother, I told her if I could only be half the woman she was I would be fine in life.

Marcia, you have been a wonderful comfort to me too. You have given me hope that the pain will indeed get better. You have been a friend indeed and I thank you for it. Now if I can just make it through my little Snookie's death when it is time....

And Kristie you are so right God does not give us more than we can bear. The road just seems so rough sometimes but I keep pressing on. I always say my shoulders are wide and I can carry a heavy load. But the truth is without all of you wonderful people here the load would be so much heavier. God bless you all my dear friends.
Love, Ann

Ann,

It is just amazing what you have been and are going through. I'm SO glad you found LS. I really believe we all need each other here.

What your husband said, that "I must be a stronger woman than I think I am. He said I am the strongest and most loving person he knows. ....no one expected me to carry all the burdens" is true, I am sure!! I, too, feel every day the problems in the world----the cruelty, etc. etc.----and sometimes I think I just won't be able to stand it. This group helps me get through, because I know I am among true "family".

Please do NOT punish yourself. You have the absolute best of intentions, and you have done all the right things. Chili Bean definitely does not want you to punish yourself. If you ever feel down on yourself for things you "should have"/"could have" done, or things you did that you feel you "shouldn't" have, think of Chili Bean and how he wants you to have all the joy you possibly can. You are very special. You really "feel" for others. That is practicing the ultimate level of the Golden Rule because it includes non-human animals.

Love and prayers,

Kathy