My precious baby cat's visage watches me as I type this - I have pix of her plastered all over my home. I think one moment her stare is accusatory - then I dare to look up at her again and I see trust in her eyes - I am her mom, surely I didn't do this heinous thing to her. But I did...I let the vet euthanize her - HOW COULD I??? She was never a talkative cat - Miss Princess Angel rarely meowed, but her expressive blue eyes spoke volumes when she gazed lovingly upon the person who would one day end her life - the person who swore to go to the ends of the earth for her - the person who spent literally every free second of life entertaining her and brushing her and planting a million sloppy kisses on that certain spot in front of her ear that tickled her. I am a very solitary person - my sweet little Lee-Lee (one of a BILLION nicknames) was my partner - my BEST friend, my confidante. She NEVER told my secrets to anyone - she NEVER talked behind my back, she NEVER thought I looked fat in those pants, she NEVER was happy to see me go, she ALWAYS knew I was approaching the front door - she ALWAYS sat there, listening for the key in the lock, and would greet me with the proper feline disdain (which was just a facade) acting like she didn't care that I had been gone. She DID care, she always missed her mommy and her sister (my daughter) and would scold me gently for leaving her alone. She always made an adorable trilling sound when she jumped on my bed - she had her spot -which was where ever I was laying. I am on the edge of an abyss; the specter of continuing a normal life without her is UNTHINKABLE. I don't sleep in my bed now - I sleep on the couch, as I can't bring myself to be comfortable and warm and safe after I consigned her to somewhere else. I don't deserve to be forgiven; I want her back - I love her so much I feel like someone is carving my heart out with a dull spoon. Fifteen years of unquestionable loyalty; undying love has died - I feel like I am frozen inside. When the pain of everyday life was too much for me, I would hug her warm soft body to me, and I could feel the pain ebb away as the perfect cadence of her breathing and purring would soothe me; I was whole again and could face my problems. Life made sense when my shmoopy was beside me; all was right with my world when baby cat was in it. What kind of world is it that allows the bright spots in life to be snuffed out? It is no comfort to me to hear that I had fifteen years - I WANTED MORE. I WANT ANOTHER FIFTEEN YEARS WITH HER. I wasn't finished showing her how very much I love her; how much I needed her in my life; how much my daughter needed her; how integral she was in the fabric of our lives. I wasn't finished taking a bajillion pictures of her every movement; I wasn't finished boring everyone within one thousand miles of stories of "How cute Angel was this morning", or "She did the most wonderful thing today - she walked by herself into another room!!" Anything she did was remarkable, magical, adorable because she was MY BABY CAT - my ANGEL.

Tony,
Please tell us more you are not alone in wanting your baby back. We all feel such pain and most of us feel guilt thinking we should have done something more or something different. I feel your pain and can almost see your tears and your love as you write about Lee Lee your wonderful Angel. She is a doll and my heart and thoughts are with you.
Ann

Toni,

You DO deserve to be forgiven!! ...Actually, though, you did nothing wrong. Euthanasia is a term that means "good death"... and that's what you gave her. You helped her soul to pass on... and she is closer to you than you might realize. And you will be fully reunited when it's your time to leave your body.

Sweet Lee-Lee adored you, and she knows how much you loved and love her. Now, she is experiencing only complete bliss, and in the meantime, before you can merge again with her, you have to live out your life here in this body. Lee-Lee wants you to have as much joy and love in your life as you possibly can. For her, there will really be no sense of time or space. When you join her I believe it will be as though no time has passed, and there you'll be!

Keep writing. I am glad you found LS. Love and prayers,

Kathy

Hi toni, Youre baby sounds Adorable and everything you rote Tells us how much she is to you and how much u love her! and what u told us about her She sounded very much in luff with you! Love Jay x

Toni,

Everything you did for Angel, including the decision to end her pain and suffering, was done out of love. It's sad that you had to make that decision, but you did it because it had to be done. It was the final act of unselfish love you could bestow upon her.

She's grateful you had the courage to do what was best for her and she would never hold it against you. The two of you will be reunited someday, but in the meantime, be kind to yourself. You have no reason to feel guilty---you did what was best.

Take care,
__Jim