I have lost touch with most of the people who were around during Hannah's last weeks or so. Even my brother and I are sort of on the outs. I have a couple of friends who have tried to help, but nothing is helping.

I am just dying inside today. Today is the 19th! Hannah's date was April 19. Monday will actually be 7 months -- 210 days. I miss her so much and I feel so bad that I sent her to God -- He didn't take her from me -- I sent her! I am really going nuts today. I am unable again to stop this spiral! I am just not myself anymore. I have cried and cried today -- crying out for my baby, as if my crying aloud for her would bring her back or something! I don't know what I am going to do with myself. I cannot seem to get going with my life. I don't even feel like I can post all of my feelings on the site. I know I am driving myself insane and making myself sick, but I just don't know what to do. I have been taking an antidepressant, and it seemed to help for a few weeks, but now nothing helps. I can't sleep. I toss and turn, and all I can think about is Hannah. I don't know what to do. What in the world am I going to do? I know I'm letting Hannah down again, letting myself down, letting you all down again. I don't know what to do.

Oh Marcia I cried my eyes out for you when I read your post. There is nothing much I can say that will comfort you but I am thinking of you and sending prayers your way and hugs too. You reached out to me when I was so sad I thought my heart would break and I wish I could reach out and hug you and take away your pain. I will remember your baby Hannah for the rest of my life. I will remember you too Marcia, for your caring and compassion for others and your love for you wonderful baby girl. There is nothing wrong with crying and I know how it will not bring her back but I cry for Snookie and although the tears can't save her, tears are for healing. I guess I can't express the words I really am trying to save but just know I care.
Love, Ann

You wrote down how I have been feeling. Words are comfort, but our pain is truely our own, that pain that touches the deepest part of our inner being, the part we protect and dont want to come to the surface...but it does when something like this happens. This is what faith is.. learning to trust God that it is going to be okay and our suffering and loss... will be restored to us. These furbabies come into our lives and they open up closed doors in ourselves, God used them to teach us and show us we have to depend on him. There comes a point in our lives when there is no one else to turn to. In our weakest moments he is blessing us, he loves us and he knows how hard this is. We just have to be patient and think of him, we all go home. That's what I beleive. Pamela

Dear Marcia,

I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. My first thought was exactly what Ann and Pamela said. I know words alone can not take away your pain. I also know that you understand more than most of us, about taking away Hannah's pain and suffering. You have posted many informative articles and touching poems about it. Yet, I realize that it is always so different when we have to handle that painful decision about own own precious furbaby. I have a little memorial on my cubicle wall at work. Along with pictures of my beautiful Rachael, I have the poem "May I Go Now" tacked in the center. There isn't a day YET that I can't read that without balling like a baby! I just keep telling myself that Rachael REALLY did want me to end her suffering. I just know in my heart that she felt every word in that poem. On my bad days, I still keep asking myself how I was able to go through with that, and even hold her when it happened. Like Pamela stated, I just believe in my heart that God helped me through that and he will help me through this pain and comfort me while I heal.

You did exactly what a caring and loving mother would do. You could have prolonged her life and waited for her to go on her own, but that would have made her life just miserable. I don't think you would feel any better if you had watched her suffer more. You just have to believe that Hannah is smiling and thanking you. She is waiting for you and she is patient.

You are in my prayers!
Love,
Cheri

Hey Marcia,

As hard as it is, you (and me too) must try and follow te advice of my counsellor: "Feeling sad and grieving is good. You need to feel it. HOWEVER, obsessive grief is NOT good. It doesn't help us move on, and it seems to get worse the more we obsess."

God, I'm like you in what I go through in so many ways, so believe me I understand. I just went through a brief period of "Maybe if I'd just gone down to the vets and insisted on them letting me in to see her. She would have died with me there. Not all alone and abandoned."

I recognized it for being what it was though: obsessive thought patterns. I just cried a bit and then went on.

Think of your Maggie the way i think of Falkor. We don't know how long their destinies are. How would we feel if they were suddenly out of our lives and we felt that we had not done our best to be as positive as we can.

We definitely still must mourn, but we need to start to feel some joy, and not let the sadness take over...

AMEN STEPH

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I don't know what I would do without you wonderful people -- honestly. I am always amazed at the incredible kindness and understanding I receive here. It's been an awfully long time since I had anyone in my life who understood exactly how I feel. I love you all. Thank you for being here for me. Each one of you has helped me so much. I really do feel so much better after reading your responses. You have made all the difference in the world.

I actually think I will be able to sleep tonight. I am going to lie down thinking about each of you and how lucky I am to have found you all here.

Love,
Marcia

Hi Marcia,

I know only too well what you are going through and to honest in the end the only way i could find out of all this was to forgive myself.

I know that it will be argued that there is nothing to be forgiven put for me that is what i had to do.

Be kind to yourself, look in the mirror, and say to yourself "i love you and i forgive you for being the kindest person earth".

Start looking at it all from a different angle, for me it took seeing my friends dog at the stage of not having any quality of life and in seeing her like that i was able to forgive myself for not letting Jude continue in her plight.

Love and healing to you
Sue

Hi Angel Marcia:

Hi there! How are you, my sweet friend?????

You know that I care about you sooooooo very much, and I want to know that you are okay.........

Please, call me if you want to.....and, I will phone you right back....

Always know that "I am here for you".......

I care............

And, I know that sweet Hannah Girl wants her Mommy to ALWAYS BE HAPPY!!!!!
Don't you EVER, EVER LOSE SIGHT OF THAT...................Okay?????

Love you,

Denise, Ben, Ms. Lucy Juicy and Mr. Yoster (Toaster) xo

I know how it feels so much......Hannah is too beautiful for mere words...the adorable face, the soulful eyes; your grief is huge and I want you to unburden yourself cuz thats what I need too. As I drove home just a short while ago, I was crying so hard that I was pulled over by the RCMP for erratic driving - I did not realize that I was driving so badly as I could not see the road. I was given a ticket, to add insult to injury, but I told the officer that I did not care because Angel was gone, and I had found so much cat hair in the front seat that I can't even drive my car after tonight. If I had found a different vet - I bet she would still be here. If I had NOT taken her to the vet in the first place, she would still be here; this is ALL MY FAULT. Take a look at these pix - did she want to die??I think not - but she had no say in it - why did I do it?? Please, I am sorry everyone for rambling so; I try to respond but as soonas I type MPA's name, off I go...........

One shot of Angel with tape on her head a few years ago at Christmas - she just finished opening her last present and got a piece stuck on her head! Silly girl - this year she won't be here to open all the gifts I have under the tree (I put it up early this year). We are NOT having Christmas this year - no tape to get stuck on her fur.

You aren't letting anyone down. Crying is perfectly natural and you should feel free to express your grief. But you DO need to take action because you can't keep letting your grief take control - that does not do Hannah's memory justice, nor does it help you live the life that God (or the universe) has given you.

You need a counsellor or therapist - one who is versed with grief counselling. You need them NOW. I wish I was closer to you but I'm not.

Look at your picture of Hannah - nothing will bring her back, sweetheart. She's waiting for you to heal and keep living so that one day you can meet again and you will have so many more stories to tell each other!!!

But until then - what is done is done. I, too, sent my furbaby to meet our creator. I did it to save him pain. I did it to save him from suffering. I did it because I love him. And I would do it again.

I was suffering grief as deep as yours - but one day I simply said to myself "That's enough". Destroying Jesse's memory by letting my life slip by would be a loss more unfortunate and sad than anything else.

When I see an orange kitten - I think of Jesse and I smile. When I see the sun shining on a window sill - I think of Edgar and I laugh. With every breeze, with every chicken I cook, with every cuddle Oscar (my new cat) gives me - I think of my two lost ones.

The sadness is still there - but my love for them is in control. My grief can't win. Their memory is too important.

And we understand. We truly do - so keep talking to us, and we'll help you get through. Day by day - no hurry, no rush - breaking something takes only a second - healing can take some time.

Thanks again ya'll. I am much better today. I think maybe we just grieve and grieve and blame ourselves, but finally one day we come to the realization that we cannot keep feeling that way, and then we just stop it. It does take a lot of help from people to get us to this point though. It can't be done alone. I know we all did whatever we did out of love and respect for our babies.

THANKS!
Love,
Marcia

Just please keep in mind - everyone who reads this string - that sometimes we need to talk to someone else to make sense of what we are feeling. Sometimes all the emails and books in the world can't seem to make a dent in the grief.

If any of you every find yourselves in that situation - come on here and we'll see if we can help you find a grief counsellor in your area.

I am glad YOU are feeling better today Marcia