First, thank you for being here for us, Lightning-Strike. I found this forum a few years ago when the love of my life of 27 years suddenly passed away, Boogie the Blue-Fronted Amazon. It took me quite a long time to accept that he was gone, and although I'll never "get over" his passing (even after all this time, I still hear his phantom squawks and catch an imaginary glimpse of him out of the corner of my eye now and then), Lightning-Strike helped me through the worst of it.

And now I'm back. This is kind of a long story, so I hope you can all bear with me. When my husband and I first moved to our neighborhood 8 years ago, we discovered a few stray and feral cats in the area. Of course, I immediately began feeding them and our back yard became sort of a feral cat sanctuary. Unfortunately, there were a couple of females that kept having kittens, and within 4 months we had at least 2 dozen cats and kittens in our yard. We knew things were only going to get worse, so I asked for advice at our local Petco, and they mentioned T-N-R (Trap-Neuter-Return). I wasn't familiar with the process, so they put me in touch with a T-N-R expert. It took a few more weeks of patient baiting and trapping, but I managed to get the entire colony fixed (luckily, here in California there are some organizations and vets who provide the neutering of ferals at no charge). So we still had a cat population in the back yard, but there were no new kittens being added to the bunch...or so we thought. There was actually just one male who was responsible for the kitten explosion, but we could never trap him, so sure enough, a new pregnant female arrived in our yard. She gave birth to a couple of litters before we could trap her, but we did eventually get her fixed as well. She was particularly sweet and smart and friendly, so we assumed she probably had a home at some point in the past. We named her Mommy Cat, and although we already had 3 cats when we moved to that neighborhood, we ended up taking in 3 more kittens from the colony (2 of which were Mommy's). Eventually, most of the ferals wandered away to live their lives, but a handful stayed. After 3 years, we moved to a larger house down the street. I tried to trap the remaining cats and bring them all to the new place, but only 3 of them stayed (Mommy Cat, Smoky and Calicoco). Mommy was still the friendliest out of the trio, while Smoky and Calicoco remained on the feral side. Everything was fine for the next couple of years until the homeowner announced that his daughter wanted the house. Once again, we were able to find another place on the same street. This time I built a 6 ft. enclosure on the patio in the back yard for the 3 outdoor cats. We had become really attached to them and we didn't want them to wander away or get lost or run over by a car or get into fights with other animals or whatever. Our plan was to either bring them indoors eventually (we were kind of at cat-capacity with our five) or keep them in the enclosure until we moved again (we had grown tired of living in that neighborhood and wanted to leave as soon as possible). Well, time passed pretty quickly and 3 years later we're still in the same house. In the meantime, the 2 feral cats in the kennel were becoming more and more friendly, and all 3 of them were now inseparable. We still wanted to move to a better area, but unfortunately my husband suddenly became paralyzed due to an extremely rare condition known as a cavernous malformation of the spinal cord. That happened in February of 2016. He had surgery on his spine and was on his way to recovery, hopefully walking again, but the hospital released him far too early (and with severe pressure sores on his lower back and ankles). He contracted a "super bug" blood infection and nearly died. It took another 8 months in the hospital, but he finally came home again in October 2016. He was never able to get physical therapy due to all the complications and setbacks he suffered, so he's still bedridden and I'm now his 24/7 caregiver until he's able to get into a wheelchair or back onto his feet. Since it appears we won't be moving to a new home anytime soon, it was time to bring the last of the kitty colony indoors and join the family. We had no idea how old Mommy Cat was or how many litters she had given birth to before she found us years ago, but she was beginning to show her age. She had become pretty thin, but otherwise in good health. We brought the cats inside about 3 weeks ago, and of course our other cats were not thrilled, but we knew it would take some time for them all to get used to each other. I really wanted Mommy Cat to get to know her 2 grown kittens again. Things were settling down and we were looking forward to happy times with a house packed full with 8 cats, but then something went wrong with Mommy. Three days ago she was eating her food as usual, but as she walked away from the dish, she suddenly fell over into a strange spasm that lasted a couple of seconds. When she got up, it was clear she was having trouble with her legs. It looked like she was also paralyzed! That lasted only a few moments, and she was able to walk a bit better except her right front paw was limp. She hid under a book shelf and I thought "This is it. Poor Mommy Cat is on her way out." I kept checking on her and it didn't appear she would last the day, but she moved around quite a bit and eventually came out from her hiding place. She began drinking water and eating a little, so that seemed like a good sign. Her paw was still slightly limp, but she was doing so much better. It didn't occur to me until the next day that she probably had some sort of stroke. She stayed in the living room with us, and she did seem to be improving, so we decided to let her rest before taking her to the vet. But I guess as we all know, when animals are nearing the end, they go pretty quickly. By yesterday, Mommy Cat had gone into hiding, refused water and food, and had rapidly weakened. This morning she passed away as I held her in my arms. The death of my parrot Boogie was the most difficult loss I had ever experienced, so I thought I would be better able to handle the passing of Mommy Cat. I loved her very much, and even though I had been feeding her and looking out for her welfare for the past several years, it didn't feel as though she was really a part of our family since she didn't live in our home. I think I was wrong about that. I've been crying all day. I miss her, and I only wish I would have brought her into our house sooner.

Hi, Pamela, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Mommy Cat. As you are so too well familiar losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Mommy Cat had the blessing of transitioning from her earthly journey in the arms of someone who loved her and cared for her, and you are now blessed with being her sole, and soul, beneficiary of her eternal love.

As you already know, guilt / remorse is one of the more difficult grief emotions to reconcile because it comes from looking back and trying to reconcile all the whys, what ifs, and if onlys that haunt and torture our hearts at a time when we are so very emotionally vulnerable. From what you share with us, Pamela, it is perfectly clear that you did everything in your human and humane power to give Mommy Cat a happy, healthy, and safe earthly journey. I hope in time you will come to know a peace in your heart that Mommy Cat is eternally grateful to you for everything you did for her.

I know so very well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will offer you some form of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so very much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Mommy Cat with us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Pamela, and please let us know how you're dong.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

I am so sorry for your loss Pamela. I don't think it matters how many little loved ones we loose, I can't imagine it would ever be easier. Dream sweetly of her, I am sure she is not far. You have a wonderful heart to have helped so many. Bless you.

Thank you, moon_beam. You always have the perfect words. Guilt really is the most difficult feeling to shake when a fur-baby passes. I've been trying to tell myself that Mommy Cat might have felt at home with us even though it was only for a few short weeks.