I wanted so much to respond to all of your posts today with hopeful and encouraging words. I was able to last week, but now today, I have that "just want to go back to bed" feeling. I know we are all going through so much grief now. I miss my baby Hannah so much. I am so often -- too often still overwhelmed with grief and guilt. I still can't believe I was able to take my baby and have her put to sleep.

There still is no one in my life who understands. No one I can talk to about it almost seven months later. The pain is just boiling and bubbling inside me. I miss my baby. I know these feelings aren't doing me or anyone any good, but I can't seem to help it today -- again.

I am so sorry you are having a bad day with the pain. I have been battling that myself. Like you, I was in here trying to give some encouraging words for many days, but found I needed to stay away a few days. The pain was intense again, and the stories in here just brought me to my knees.

It shouldn't seem strange, but I found myself drawn to your post because you said the very words I have been asking myself lately.....How in the world was I ever able to take my sweet Rachael in for that last injection. I am just amazed at myself! I guess we all must go into auto-pilot when the time comes. Looking back now, I just don't think I could ever do it again.

You are in my prayers, and we all care so very much!
Cheri

It comes and goes doens't it Marcia?

Just before coming online I'd booked an appointment with my counsellor for next week. I just feel like my emotions are starting to get a bit "unstable" again. That, and my recurring dream of Luba is back in full force.

Where you are saying "How could I let them give her the injection" I am saying "How could I listen to them and NOT go visit her" How could I let her die alone.

I wonder if these thoughts will ever leave us...

Marcia,

Steph is so right--the grief comes and goes and sometimes it comes back full-force and we're right back where we started. I too continue to struggle with knowing I was the one who gave the vet permission to put my little man to sleep. My mind tells me I did the right thing, but my heart tells me maybe I should have done more and not acted so soon. If I had it to do all over again, I would have gotten a second opinion and asked so many more questions and I still get mad at myself for not doing so. Sometimes I feel like I let little man down by not exhausting every available option before making the decision. I was in a daze and wasn't thinking clearly at all. I just took the vets word that it was time and now I'll always wonder if things could have turned out differently if I had done more.

I understand exactly how you feel Marcia and lord knows if we could do things over, we would. We have to live with the knowledge that we can't change the past and somehow we must make peace with ourselves for doing what we thought was best at the time. Even if what we did was wrong, it was done out of love and we did it with the best of intentions. Our little buddies surely know this and I don't believe they'll hold it against us. We loved them so much and it's almost unbearable to know we had to make the decision to end their lives. Surely someday we will be at peace with ourselves for doing what we thought was right.

You're in my thoughts,
__Jim

Okay Guys, (that's my term for everyone on this post)

It is my turn to peep you up. Marcia, CheriAnn, Steph and Jim. Please, please, please do not beat your selfs up for doing the right thing for your very speical friends in your life. Your companions had wonderful lives with you and you were all lucky to have them.

Think about it, if anyone would have ever tried to kill your friend when they were well, you would have fought tooth and nail for them. Well it is also your duty to do the best you can for them when they are sick. I know how hard it was. But I knew in my heart it was time to releive his pain. I gave him a great life and in return he gave me the same.

There are so many animals out there who don't have good people to care for them, you have to remember that you did the best you could do for your companions.

Ask your self another thing. Do you think that your vet would needlessly put an animal to sleep if they didn't think it was time? Beleive me even a good vet would rather make money from working on your animal than not making anything from putting them down.

Anyway, I think you are all great people who love your companions and miss them like I miss Stymy. Please believe in yourselfs ... I do.

Always, Stymy's Mom Vicki

Thanks Vicki,

My boyfriend keeps telling me that it all happened as it should have. Luba died at the vets without me there. Her heart stopped. Just prior to this they had stabilized her to the point where she was eating little bits of food. She wasn't in pain. They were very good to her.

Had I insisted on taking her home I would not have had the facilities or knowledge on how to keep her comfortable through her sudden intense illness. She came into my life quickly, and she left quickly. I must try to remember that she went without much suffering.

Thanks so much Cheri, Steph, Jim and Vicki. It was a really bad day. I DID go back to bed. I slept almost all day. Today's a bit better.

Reading your responses helped so much -- to know that I am not alone. I know without a doubt that we all did what we thought was best. We just forget sometimes when we let those negative thoughts get the best of us. I know we were all in a daze -- that fog of grief. One day, surely we will all have peace in our hearts. You are right, of course, Jim. We cannot change the past so we really must accept that fact, know that we loved them with all of our hearts and did what we did because we loved them so very much.

I am going to make another post -- about euthanasia again. I sent it to Ann about Snookie in an email, but it's something I want to share here again with ya'll and with others to come here in the future. It contains some very important things that I learned and perhaps will spare someone some pain -- at least that is my hope.
Thanks again, all of you. I was feeling so alone.
Love,
Marcia

Reading over these posts has brot tears to my eyes. It has been awhile now since I wept for Whitie, our beautiful blue-eyed cat, who had FIV. At the last, he was depressed & miserable because we had to keep him inside & that depressed me too. Finally, I couldn't stand to see him that way any more. Irrationally, I wanted to just let him go, have his freedom back. Wife was not in agreement. We discussed it, decided to take him for euthanasia. The first time, we backed out before we got halfway there. That was our morning to study with the JWs, & Bill told me I had some hard decisions to make. Later that day, I made it. We tried again & succeeded, tho God knows we cried our eyes out doing it! I guess I'm beating myself up again, but I sure really miss him!

ps. sweety jumped up in my lap just now, as i finished up the last post; the new kitten we found.

Marcia,
I know what you are feeling. I'm so raw right now. I thought I was doing better, but with the approaching holidays I'm just falling apart. Holidays have never been something I looked forward to and now without my little guy, I just want it to be January 1st. He was such a big part of the Christmas celebration in this house and I just can't face the decorating or entertaining without him. I know that sounds so crazy, but I just can't face it. In the last 30 days there has been so much sadness in the lives around me. A neighbor was killed in a car accident leaving behind two young daughters and a husband. Last Wednesday my best friend's father died and I've been helping her with her sudden grief. Then another good friend's father suddenly died on Saturday of a massive heart attack at the age of 57, and I'm filling in where I can to help her.

All this sadness, and I can't seem to get past the death of my dog. It's been a little over 2 months now, and I don't talk to anyone but you guys about it. Thank God for LS, I really don't know where I would be right now without all of you. I feel like I'm standing in quick sand. I wake every morning and walk down the hall to my office and do a job I've come to detest. I know things will get better, I'm sure it's just temporary with the dreaded Holidays approaching, but i'm just a mess right now. Thanks for listening.
Libby

This place is a sanctuary isn't it Libby?