I have been having thoughts of guilt all day. I know that this is normal but I havent found a place for them, if that makes any sence. I really am sad that I let myself get distracted that day. I have always tried to be responsible, my mind is playing what if's. What if I would have taken a minute to put him on his chain. I have always tried harder than most to keep my animals safe, I mean I put my cats on leahes, I have always been almost to over protective. My worst fear was to have one of my babies hit by a car. Let alone Moose, my best friend, my soul companion. It has been very hard. I am waiting until after the first of the year and moving from this home, every time I leave I have to drive by the place it happened, I cant help my self from looking at the exact spot then to come to a home with out him here. I feel like if I change my enviorment it may help me to move on. But you see I'm not secure in any decisions I make now, I feel off balance with life. The fact that I was fired because of this just has compounded the situation. oh well just feeling a little down tonight, i often go back and read steph's posting of her stages through grief, it gives me hope.

Hi Pamela,

I'm SO sorry for what you are going through. Have you read the posting(s) on guilt on the main page of this website? I found them very very helpful.

Since my Little Girl passed on last March, I have read lots of postings about pets' accidental deaths---from car accidents to running the clothes dryer not knowing that one's kitty was inside... horrible stuff. Life seems to deal us more than our share of these situations, where we say "if only" we could go back in time... That's why they are called accidents. They happen all the time, but it's the tragic ones we remember because the consequences are so great. But as horrible as it was, it was still an accident and it wasn't your fault, Pamela Your intentions were good, and Moose knows that.

My heart and prayers are with you,

Kathy

Hi Pamela,
I'm so sorry for all the things you are having to deal with. Like Little Girls Mommy said, please read the "grief" articles on the main page of LS. I promise it will help you understand some of the stages you are and will encounter on this journey.

Again, I'm so sorry for your loss of Moose. I know he was wonderful

Your in my thoughts and prayers
Libby

Hi Pamela,
I am really sorry you are going through this. I know how much it hurts, and I understand your feelings. I was better for awhile, but again, I am plagued with thoughts of what I should have done -- for Hannah for her whole life. I wish I had been a better mom, etc. I don't know how I was able to have my best friend "put to sleep." It just kills my soul.

I read and read everything I can, trying to find some comfort, some way to deal with this. I loved my girl more than anything in the world, and I know that, but still I can't help but feel that I let her down and I let myself down. I suppose with more time, we will both feel better and we will come to terms with these terrible feelings.

The following is from a book entitled "Grieving the Death of a Pet," by Betty J. Carmack --

"Guilt seems to be part of the contextual fabric surrounding an animal's death. Guilt consumes people because of their remorse and self-blame for perceived acts of commission or omission. Self-blame for 'not doing well enough' with decisions made; self-criticism for 'not doing good enough' with care given; an inability to forgive oneself for not measuring up to a perceived standard in one's mind -- each of these dimensions can be part of the experience of guilt. . . .

"Guilt can be as pervasive as grief, the two being closely intertwined. Guilt can be toxic and exacerbate grief. As one feels more guilt over the death, grief intensifies and worsens. Guilt can result in utterly wrenching emotional pain. . . .

"Accidents happen. . . . With hindsight, a different action now would be selected. But the fact that a particular choice was made or action was taken does not negate pet parents' love and devotion for their animals. One did not knowingly or deliberately cause harm."

And she is the one that wrote this poem that I have posted here before.

Please Don't Feel Guilty

Please don't feel guilty. You don't need to. I don't want you to be rough on yourself. I heard you speak last night. I heard you say how guilty you are for what you think you didn't do right. You did more than I ever would have expected anyone to. You loved me through it all. I never doubted your love for me. Whatever decisions you made, I know were made with my best interest in mind. Please don't feel guilty. It breaks my heart to hear you speak of your guilt. You don't need to feel guilty. Please don't.

--Betty J. Carmack
From Grieving the Death of a Pet

I hope this helps you, Pamela. I know, and Moose knows, you loved him and wouldn't have done anything in the world to hurt him. You did not "deliberately cause harm." It wasn't your fault. It wasn't anyone's fault.
Love,
Marcia