In April, I adopted my parents' cat PJ, and brought her to live with me. I grew up with her, we adopted her when I was in high school. She is a beautiful fat brown and white rag doll who has never hurt anyone or anything in her life. She likes to communicate in either chirps or very breathy silent meows, and loves to snuggle and spoon with me and will flop down and then wriggle until she is perfectly comfortable. I have such a long history with her. She is 11 years old. When I first brought her to live with me I had an exam and bloodwork done, nothing too abnormal.

On Monday, she started vomiting bile, and stopped eating. I took her to work with me (I work at a vet) Tuesday for anti nausea meds. On Wednesday we did fluids and bloodwork.....calcium and kidney values way elevated. She had become increasingly lethargic. Last night her breathing started to grow harsher and she started hanging her head over her water dish. I took her to emergency and was there til 1 am. They kept her overnight and she is still there right now.

Either she has cancer (kidney lymphoma), kidney failure or both. She did not respond well to IV fluids. When I left last this afternoon, she was on oxygen and barely responsive, though she did respond to my pets and seemed to recognize me. The doctor said that she is way sicker than normally presents for kidney disease or even lymphoma.

The doctor told me that he can do a biopsy of her kidneys, but with her breathing and fluid in her chest cavity, she may not survive the sedation. I am currently waiting for the phone call to find out if she made it or not. I am numb and panicked all at once. We may not even get the biopsy results until tomorrow.

You all may remember me as Smedley's owner, he passed away January 1. I cannot deal with this again. I can't go through this again. I can't believe this.

If she survives, she will have to suffer with kidney failure or chemo or whatever else is going on. I have to choose whether her quality of life would be worth it for a few more months.

I feel so guilty for feeling like I wasn't ready to bring her up here to live with me and didn't want her to come at first, due to struggling so much with Smedley's death, but of course that changed when she got here. She is so sweet and loving and to see her as a shell of herself hurts so badly. She doesn't deserve this, any of this suffering.

Dear Hewasmybestfriend,

I so want to comfort you and my heart goes out to you. I lost my beloved little dog, Lilly, three months ago through illness and it was the most painful experience of my life. I understand the anguish and pain when they are very ill. I am sending you and your beloved PJ my love and support and blessings to your beloved Smedley.

Thank you. I do not have experience with this as Smedley died completely unexpectedly and did not languish in a very ill state as PJ is right now. it's the same horrific experience but a bit different..
She did make it through the sedation and biopsy and will get results tomorrow, but she is not doing well at all. She's on oxygen still and her kidney values have stayed bad, though they didn't get worse. We still don't know 100% what the root cause is, but her kidneys are essentially shutting down. And she isn't tolerating fluids to flush them, they don't know why. It's so awful because I don't want her to suffer but I also want to try everything I can to save her...I never thought this would happen to me again so soon...

Hi, Heartbroken, please permit me to add my sincerest comfort and encouragement to you during this very difficult time with your precious PJ's health crisis. I'm so glad to share your news that she survived the kidney biopsy procedure and hope the results will give you and the veterinary care providers answers you need in order to make decisions for your precious PJ.

It doesn't matter what the circumstances are that result in the physical passing of our companions from their earthly journey. Our hearts are broken enduring the most painful adjustment to their physical absence. Your precious PJ is so blessed to have you take care of her. Whatever happens she knows she is loved - - and that is the most important thing for her to know.

Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your precious PJ with us. She is sooooo beautiful. Please know you and your precious PJ are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know what the results of the biopsy are and how things are going.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

She didn't make it. We elected euthanasia as after repeat tests showed her kidneys were shut down and more fluids would have made her breathing even worse. Had she survived somehow, her quality of life would have not been good. It was at a point where the was suffering so much that what exactly was wrong (kidney failure, cancer, we never got 100% certainty) didn't really matter anymore. It was one of the most difficult decisions I've ever made, but I know it was the right one. I'm still in shock. It happened so fast and now she'll never come home. She really was an extremely beautiful cat who was never anything but sweet and loving. I couldn't prolong her suffering any longer especially knowing that if she got better she'd still suffer. I'm so dissociated and numb because I just can't take this again. I've been struggling so much since Smedley died and now this happens to me again.

Here's another picture of her. She was so large and voluptuous and yet so delicate and queenly.

OH, PJ's Mommy, I am in shock reading this thread---just absolutely stunned to grasp that you are having to go through this excruciating heartbreak again!!!!!

I am so very sorry, words can't express.

Please try not to feel even a shred of guilt !! You did everything right (you even had bloodwork done in April when PJ came to live with you)!!! And NO guilt regarding not being ready at first to bring her home to your apartment. Guilt over lots of stuff is human, and for whatever reason, it's a natural part of grief. Especially for someone like you who goes above and beyond with your pets--an absolutely outstanding Mom.

PJ's situation sounds exactly like my Dolly's situation. She went downhill suddenly, went into the hospital July 10, 2012, and I made the agonizing decision to let her go on July 12. She had Stage 4 renal failure and no cause could be found.

PJ and Smedley are together, comparing notes about having the best Mommy in the world. You will be FULLY reunited with them when it is your time. In the meantime, they want you to somehow go on with this earthly journey.

Please keep in close touch. We will help you every step of the way in navigating through this excruciatingly painful journey.

I will check back here when I get home in a few hours.

Sending deeply heartfelt prayers your way!!!

Kathy
P.S. PJ is gorgeous!!!

Thank you so much. I am so overwhelmed by losing them both that I'm over the top into almost total numbness. I do have moments where I scream and cry but I know that later it's going to hit me like a freight train.

Hi, Heartbroken, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved PJ. From first hand experience of losing two beloved companions within 4 months of each other I can so relate to the gut-wrenching sorrow you are going through. Losing two beloved companions in a short period of time intensifies the grief and can prolong the grief adjustment journey.

As our forum friend Kathy has already so comfortingly tried to reassure you, I hope as your deep grief eases you will have peace in your heart that your beloved PJ and Smedley are now restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels and sharing with all the other residents of heaven's perfect garden all the wonderful things you did for them during their earthly journeys. I also hope and pray you will find comfort in knowing that love is eternal - - and knowing this - - that your beloved Smedley's and PJ's sweet Living Spirits are always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know so well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey. And please know we are here for you, with you, and beside you through every step of this journey for as long and as often as you need us.

Thank you again for honoring us in sharing your beloved PJ with us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Heartbroken, and please let us know how you're doing,

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

I am so very, very sorry. I elected euthanasia for my beloved Lilly too and it was the kindest, saddest, but most loving thing to do for her just as you have chosen for your beloved PJ. My heart goes out to you for having to endure this again in such a short time. Sending much love and support your way. PJ was truly beautiful and had the best mummy ever. She was loved and nurtured and that's the best gift anyone, human or animal, can ever receive. Hugs to you.

What a beautiful, sweet girl. I am so sorry she is gone. She was lucky to have such a loving companion in you. You did what was best for her even though it would break your own heart. It must be so hard not knowing what caused her kidneys to fail, but she knew you loved her.

oh my goodness, how well i understand, having helped my sammy jo to heaven this morning.

i'm so, so very sorry.

xoxoxo

Thank you all. I'm so overwhelmed with sadness now. The worst part as I may have mentioned is wondering why she had to suffer so much. I wish I could have taken it on so she could have had a more peaceful death. I miss both her and Smedley terribly.

Hi hewasmybestfriend,

I am so sorry to hear about your cat, I do remember your story about Smedley. I cannot imagine the pain you are going through right now. I lost my 19 year old Cloudy back in March, and it's so awful. Just wanted you to know you're not alone. Big hugs.

Dear Smedley and PJ's Mom,

Thinking of you today and sending heartfelt prayers your way.

Check in any time !!!

Prayers of peace,

Kathy

Thank you

The little things are making me sad today. I heard some paper rustle (the fan caused it) and thought it was PJ. A little orange striped spider was trying to get into the house and I brushed it off...then later thinking about how it looked like Smedley, and feeling bad (yes even for a spider, ha). No longer having to worry about "cat proofing" the house. I still can't manage to throw out her litter box. And on a larger scale, just feeling like PJ's death was cruel. I don't understand why she had to suffer like that. I wish her last days alive could have been happier.

Dear, dear Smedley and PJ's Mommy,

I feel for you regarding the cruel aspect. I wish I had some words of comfort. I have agonized about that same thing many times and I just don't understand it.

But PJ is in bliss now, with Smedley (and still with you), and I feel that it is very likely that in their spiritual form, they don't have the capacity to recall anything bad.

I will continue to send you prayers of peace and healing.

Please keep checking in and sharing how you are doing!

Kathy
P.S. Do you think there is a chance you might eventually rescue some other needy animal? I'm thinking that perhaps Smedley and PJ might lead you to someone who would be very very lucky to have you as their Mom. Don't feel you need to answer the question. Just putting that thought out there.

Hi, Heartbroken, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Like our forum friend Kathy, I too wish I had some words that could offer you comfort regarding the last days / hours of your beloved PJ's earthly journey. I know how it hurts your heart to the very core remembering her health crisis and the only way you could help her was to ease her transition journey home to the angels. I know so well from first hand experience how this can haunt our hearts and minds. Please let me try to reassure you that this is part of this grief adjustment journey. I hope and pray that as your deep grief eases you will be able to find a peace in your heart that your beloved PJ is forever grateful to you for everything you did for her during her earthly journey - - including releasing her sweet Living Spirit from her frail, painful, failing physical body so that she is now restored to her former youthfulness.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Heartbroken, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved PJ's and Smedley's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you everyone...

In terms of rescuing another animal, when the right cat comes along, I'm sure it will happen. But for now, no, I'm not ready. I feel like losing PJ is the end of an era in my life - my family had her since I was in high school, for ten years lived with her off and on when I was home from school and saw her when I visited home or periods when I lived at home...so we went way back, and now that both Smedley and PJ are gone, it's like a chapter in my life is done. It's going to take a while to process that. I've learned this year that my grieving process is very much "ebb and flow"... sometimes I feel "normal" (especially as life is demanding that you return to "normal" way sooner than you are truly ready) and other times out of nowhere I get overwhelmed with the grief and sadness for a while. I never imagined that so much loss was going to happen, so close together. I mean, I knew they would both die one day, but I had hoped/thought it would be from old age, not from sudden horrible illnesses. I didn't imagine they would just be ripped away from me.

Hi, Heartbroken, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I can so relate to how you're feeling. Within 4 years three of my beloved companions transitioned home to the angels - - two due to different end stage cancers and one due to a sudden stroke. Two of them joined the angels within 4 months of each other. There is no way in heaven or on earth that we can ever "prepare" ourselves for that moment in time when our beloved companions are no longer physically with us - - even when the cause may be due to terminal illness or old age. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal grief when you share with us: "I've learned this year that my grieving process is very much "ebb and flow"... sometimes I feel "normal" (especially as life is demanding that you return to "normal" way sooner than you are truly ready) and other times out of nowhere I get overwhelmed with the grief and sadness for a while." It is important that you continue to give yourself the opportunities you need to openly grieve for your beloved PJ and Smedley even if you need to find a private place to do so. And please know we are here for you to share whatever is in your heart or on your mind for as long and as often as you need - - whatever you feel comfortable sharing with us.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Heartbroken, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved PJ's and Smedley's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

What can I say? I just want my pets back. PJ and Smedley. They were everything to me. Just everything.

I'm so very sorry about your pain.

Can you think of anything that might help even a tiny bit?

I will be sending prayers of comfort your way.

Please write more when / if you can.

Kathy

Thank you... I really don't know what to say but just wanted to check in.