Tama was my constant companion for the last 10 years. After my divorce and after my son went off to college, her presence at home was something I truly cherished.

She was a personable cat. When my friends came over, she always went to investigate them by sniffing their toes, and when she felt safe, she jumped up on their laps and immediately started purring. I used to snuggle and put my ear to her nose just so that I can hear her contented purr (she was on her back, and I am holding her front paws while sticking my ear in her nose! I think she loved it, too, since she just kept purring.).

She loved shopping bags. She loved sleeping in my laundry basket. She woke me up in the morning by gently nibbling on my fingers or putting her cold nose in my face. She used to jump up on the vanity and drank water from the faucet. She sat by the window and watched everything down below (I live on the 15 floor) go by.

But for the last month, she did not do any of those. She suffered from polycystic kidney disease (PKD) and from congestive heart failure. PKD was diagnosed a year ago when she stopped eating and hid under my bed for three days. She recovered from the first crash with regular sub-Q fluid injections and daily supplements to help her kidneys function better. Her congestive heart failure was diagnosed about a week ago when I took her in to the vet. She died early morning of March 31 at the vet.

I wish I did more for her. I wish I took her to the vet much sooner so that they could have done something to alleviate her heart problem. I wish I was there with her when she took her last breath.

I miss her terribly. I miss her morning wake-up nibble. I miss hearing her purr. I miss holding her. I cry as I write this. I don’t know when I will be able to look at her photos without crying.

Hisae Y,

I am so very sorry that your precious Tama has passed from her physical form !!! There is nothing quite like this kind of pain.

Please try not to feel guilty for anything. Guilt is a part of grief and I think that probably all of us could say that on at least one occasion, we feel that we "should have" taken our baby to the vet sooner, etc. Please don't feel alone in that. It is such a universal feeling.

Tama is still with you -- just not in her physical form that you can see right now. And she doesn't want you feeling guilt or anything bad. If the roles were reversed and it had been you who had passed on first, you would not want Tama feeling anything bad.

Do you live alone? In my own experience, when I have lost a pet and have been completely alone, it has been the hardest. Would you consider, in Tama's honor, taking in another needy animal? Only if and when you feel ready. Tama may even have someone picked out for you--someone who will be very lucky to have you as his/her parent.

Please keep us posted as to how you are doing! We are here for you!!

Kathy
P.S. Tama is SO beautiful !!!

Hi, Hisae, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Tama. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. It doesn't matter what the circumstances are that separate us from their sweet precious physical presence.

Hisae, as our forum friend Kathy has so compassionately shared with you, this grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time sometimes one moment at a time for you are now on a journey that is filled with all the first withouts and the memories that can be all too painful right now that include this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year to endure. Likewise, as Kathy has shared with you, this grief journey is filled with many different emotions that can overwhelm us all at one time which is why it is a journey frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. Guilt / remorse is one of the many emotions we ALL experience and it is one of the difficult emotions to reconcile because it comes from looking back and trying to make sense of all the "whys" "what ifs" and "if onlys" that torture our hearts and minds during a time when we are so emotionally vulnerable.

From what you share with us, Hisae, there is no doubt that you did everything in your human and humane power to give your beloved Tama a happy, healthy earthly journey. Unfortunately our companion's physical body is not designed for immortality on this side of eternity, and inevitably there comes a time - - of which we are NEVER prepared - - when we must permit them the blessing of being restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels even though our hearts are breaking under the burden of deepest sorrow. I hope in time as you travel your grief adjustment journey you will be able to find a peace in your heart that your beloved Tama is eternally grateful to you for everything you did for her - - for being her Forever Mom.

Although you are now on a painful journey of adjusting your daily life to the physical absence of your beloved Tama, there is one thing that will never change - - the love bond you and your beloved Tama share. Love is eternal, Hisae - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Tama's sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey as she always has and always will for she is always and forever a part of your heart and memories - - she is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know all too well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so very much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Tama with us, Hisae. She is beautiful, and you are forever blessed to be her sole, and soul, heir to her eternal love. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Hisae, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thinking of you, Hisae.

More prayers headed your way!!

Kathy

Click to view attachmentKathy and moon_beam, thank you for your kind words.

Today Pet Memorial Services came to my house to change the urn for Tama. When I asked my vet to arrange her cremation, I was so distraught that I did not know I had choices in different types of urns. So she came back in a generic porcelain urn. When I called Pet Memorial Services today (Saturday), they came and transferred her ashes to the new urn (it's hard to see in the photo, but is brass, very heavy, with a tea candle holder on top). I made a little shrine for Tama on my night stand.

I wasn't sure how they would handle pet cremation in Malaysia (I live here as an expat), but they did a great job - courteous and respectful.

I still feel a big lump in my chest, and it's so hard to eat or sleep, but I started to smile at Tama's photos instead of crying my eyes out.

Hi Hisae,

I am so sorry to hear about your little Tama - she looks exactly like my cat Lenny who died in 2011 - I love white kitty cats! So beautiful!

Anyway, just wanted to say hello and that you have come to the right place. I recently lost my cat Cloudy at 19 - she too had kidney issues and after being diagnosed in 2013, she was doing very well. But, just before St. Patrick's Day she had started to lose weight (quickly) and after just a few days of suffering died on St. Patrick's Day - she was having trouble doing just about everything and it was the best thing for her. It's so awful losing your little friends and their quirky little habits. She too would poke me in the face most mornings to get me up - she didn't bother with my husband! I often would have little scratches on my nose from her paws.

So just wanted to say sorry and I love your little shrine for Tama, it's lovely.

Hope you are having a better day today.

Moira

Hi, Hisae, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing. As with the physical loss of a human family member or friend in making arrangements for them when deep sorrow is overwhelming, so it is when we are enduring the deep grief of a beloved companion. Our hearts and minds are so entrenched in deep sorrow that understanding we have choices and making decisions is extremely difficult. I'm so very glad to share your news that the Pet Memorial Services were so helpful and compassionate to you and your precious Tama while transferring her remains to the new urn. I know this was extremely helpful to you during this very deep sorrowful time.

This grief journey is one of many ups and downs, twists and turns, and turnarounds. We can find ourselves having a good day or two and then we can find ourselves having several days when it feels like our deep sorrow is overwhelming once again. This is yet another reason - - among many - - why it is important for you to remember we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Thank you for honoring us in sharing your memorial shrine to your beloved Tama. I hope today is treating you kindly and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Tama's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Hisae, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Hisae Y,

I am so very sorry for the loss of your Tama. She is beautiful! Thank you for sharing your photos of her. It's obvious that there is so much love between you and Tama.

I understand that "big lump" feeling in the chest. Eating and sleeping are difficult for me too. We miss our furry loved ones' faces looking into ours, don't we? The love in their eyes...it's the best.

I hope you have peaceful evening and restful night.

Sending you warm hugs,
Hermy and Albus's Mommy

Hi, Moira, Kathy, moon_beam, and Hermy and Albus's Mommy

I am so grateful that I found this site. Thank you very much for your words of encouragement. It's truly comforting to know that there are kindred sprints out there. My ex-husband was not an animal lover (I guess that is one of the reasons why he is my ex), and Tama was always afraid of him. After my separation in 2007, she started to flourish. I think her true sweet nature then came out. My daughter (she hasn't talked to her father for various reasons for the past five years) once said that animals know when people are giving off negative energy. So once that negative energy of his is gone, she was free to be her true self. Anyway, he would have scoffed at my grieving over Tama.

I rearranged her memorial shrine at my night stand today.

Hi, Hisae, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Your daughter is very astute when she said that animals know when someone is "giving off negative energy", and once that negative energy is removed the animals are free to be themselves. I'm so very glad your beloved Tama, and you, were able to free yourselves of the negative influence of your now ex-husband.

Thank you also for sharing this wonderful picture of your nightstand memorial to your beloved Tama. I love the pawprints on her urn - - how so very special.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Hisae, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Tama's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Awww you gave sweet Tama a new lease on life in '07 ! This is something a lot of animals (and humans) never get. And you are so right when you say that she was free to be her true self.

Several years ago, I also was with someone who would have scoffed at the grieving of a precious animal. It's almost unthinkable as we look back in time, isn't it?

I LOVE your Tama Shrine!!!

Hugs to a GREAT M m,

Kathy

One week ago today, Tama passed away. It would have been a much tougher journey for me to endure if it weren't for this forum. Grief still lingers and the lump in my chest hasn't gone away, but I am taking it one day at a time.

My friends at work have been giving me hugs (some of them met Tama whenever I hosted a book club meeting because she just loved being on their laps), and it's been nice to know there are people who understand what I am going through.

Today, I was cleaning out litter boxes (I have two, one was for Tama, and the other is for my other cat, Hana), and I just choked up because there is nothing in Tama's box - no pee clumps to clean. Since Tama had kidney problems, she used to pee a lot - I mean, A LOT. I cleaned three or four BIG, really big clumps everyday. I grumbled every time a big clump is stuck at the bottom, but now I wish I had things like that to grumble about.

I miss her.

Anyway, here is a picture of Tama and Hana (Hana joined us in September 2013 - she was a stray and probably about a year old then).

Hi, Hisae, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and this wonderful picture of your beloved Tama with her housemate Hana. I love the adorable expression on their faces almost as if to say, "okay, mom, be sure to get our GOOD profiles!!!"

I'm glad you have others who are offering comfort and support to you in this time of great sadness in addition to this wonderful forum. Please know we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

I hope today is treating you and your precious Hana kindly, Hisae, and that you both will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Tama's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Hisae,

What a pair of sweeties! Tama looks so much like my cat Lenny who died in 2011 - only the eyes are a bit different. I love white cats, my sister works at SPCA and 'stole' him (he was going to be put down due to upper respiratory issues in the cat areas at the time - they now have a no-kill policy here) for us during the Christmas holiday of 1996. Anyway, he was so lovely and very, very affectionate.

Love your picture, and I know what you mean about the litter box thing. I now don't have to clean a litter box as my other cat, Percy, goes outside most of the time, so no need to do it daily. I'd have to clean under the box as Cloud would pee everywhere! She too had kidney issues.

But, anyway, on a lighter note - I noticed the French teacher at my kid's school is raising money for one of our local cat rescue groups - think it's called Cat's Cradle Rescue - so today I am going to get some litter, and a few of tins of cat food along with Cloud's litter box and her water dish that we kept in our ensuite bathroom upstairs (to save her having to come down every time she was thirsty) to donate today! I am happy to do this as it will help people who foster kittens that are found - usually the cats are feral, so this organization is great!

Hoping you and Hana are doing well today!

Moira

Dear Hisae,

My thoughts and prayers are with you and Hana and your sweet Tama. You are absolutely right about the lingering grief and the "what ifs" we turn over and over in our minds. It's torture, but I'm certain your beautiful Tama knows you did everything possible and with so much love.

Thank you for sharing the photo of her shrine--so lovely--and your photo of Tama and Hana together. They are adorable! You can tell they have such vibrant personalities.

I can understand how you feel about Tama's litter box. I'm so sorry. Your Tama, Stormycloud's Cloud, and my Albus had urinary problems, so cleaning and maintaining their litterboxes have much sentimental value. I miss cleaning Albus's litter box too. My mind says, "If only I could keep cleaning his box every day, then that would mean he's alive again!" Then my heart sinks when I remind myself that he's gone. It's terrible, isn't it?

I'm sending you and Hana warm hugs this weekend. Wishing you a peaceful and restful night.

Hermy and Albus's Mommy