Dear friends,

First of all, I would like to extend my sympathy to all of you, we are all grieving and I know how hard and devastating this feeling is because I have been struggling with it for the last week. I want and need to overcome this pain as it's causing me great sadness, I can't function, I feel like a zombie on auto-pilot, my husband feels like his love is not enough for me as it's hard for me to smile or enjoy life anymore. I'm causing my family extra pain, which makes me hurt even more. I'm even considering professional help, go to a psychologist or something. This cat that I lost wasn't just a regular cat, he was almost human. Me and my husband have no children and this cat was our baby, he was very attached to us and very vocal. In the mornings he would meow at me vocalizing a perfect "mama", when I remember that I feel like my heart torns into a thousand pieces. He died of feline leukemia -he was already infected when he adopted us-. He appeared in our lives at a very special moment, it was almost magical. When I found out about his illness, I moved heaven and earth to find a treatment or some kind of hope for him. I contacted a scientist from Malasia who happened to have discovered an antiviral that is still experimental but is showing great results in the treatment of 17 different feline viruses, including leukemia. Me and my husband invited him to our country (we are from South America) to give lectures, veterinary students and doctors were inspired, owners of sick pets filled with hope, we are on the verge of starting trials for feline leukemia, peritonitis and feline aids in my country. My cat was my inspiration, I did all of this to help him, to have him with us for many years so he could be with us to see the birth of our children one day, to watch them grow. We always joked with my husband that our cat's secret wish was to become a real human boy, just like Pinocchio, because he acted like a child. All this fight and struggle for his life was not enough though, local authorities have not approved the medicine entry yet and our baby didn't have a chance to try. He lost his battle with leukemia unexpectedly last Wednesday morning at 3 am. He seemed to be his playful and loving little self just a few days earlier, and suddenly he started to cry in terrible pain. We rushed him to the vet and did everything we could, but his little body couldn't take it anymore. He was almost 3 years old. Me and my husband are devastated, taking one day at a time, trying to make sense of it all. We feel like someone ripped him from our arms without permission, we loved him so much and he was like my husband's shadow. I don't know how to handle this emptiness, this giant whole I feel in my chest and my stomach. The sun just doesn't shine anymore and life seems so cruel to innocent, loving animals that just show us unconditional love. What is the point of it all? It seems like hell is right here on earth as what can be more painful than the realization that everything we love will be torn apart from us.

The day after my cat's passing, I thought I was going crazy. I heard him meow although he wasn't there, I also heard him licking his fur and purring. It was just for a few seconds, I couldn't see him. Don't know if it was my mind playing tricks on me. I also dreamt about a woman's full name which was repeated to me several times. I googled that name and also my city name just out of curiosity as all this seemed totally out of the blue. Found out that there's a woman with that name in my community who runs a real estate company with her husband. Went to their facebook page and there was only one listing being promoted: a piece of land for sale just 8 kms from where I live. I had this funny feeling that I needed to go there. I knew my cat was dead but still I've read about people that have found what they believe it's their cat's reincarnation or a new special kitty that brings solace and comfort in the middle of grief. I have read also that is not good to try to find a "replacement" cat. My husband surely agrees with that. He said that our baby was irreplaceable and that when you lose a special person or animal one doesn't go on the streets looking for their loved one doppleganger. I knew all this and I didn't want to hurt anybody's feelings, but the urge and impulse to go to this place was just to big. He supported me in my adventure and didn't treat me like a crazy person, which I'm very thankful for as I honestly believe sometimes that I'm going totally nuts with all this.

Well, we visited the land yesterday. It was up a montain, with a beautiful view, filled with peace and cute little houses and farms. An orange tabby appeared but he didn't seemed very friendly. I spent like 10 minutes there, just crying and trying to breath through all the pain of my cat's absence. I got back in the car and turned around. We passed next to a house were, to our surprise, there was a cat who looked almost identical to our cat: white and gray with yellow eyes. I couldn't resist it and I called my cat's name. This cat turned his head to look at me and was very vocal and receptive, he started meowing like he wanted to start a conversation and started walking towards me. The thing is he was in a house front yard, my husband said that the cat probably belonged to that house and that I couldn't just snatch him and take him away, that I might be causing pain to a family. We don't know any of this for sure but my husband was offended that I was looking for a replica of our deceased cat. I just wanted to give this kitty a chance, as looney as I probably sound I felt like this cat wanted to tell us something. The cat was approaching us and he was ready to jump on the fence but my husband made me feel so bad that I had to drive away. On our way back and just a block from where I found my dead cat's partial doppleganger we found another cat who looks just like our 10 year old cat which still lives and is with us. He was cuddling with a stray dog and kind of giving him a kitty massage, the cat was acting like a baby although he as a full grown cat, he acted like a newborn taking milk from his mom. That image was totally surreal, that dirt road up the mountain seemed like the land of cats. In the city where I live one never sees stray cats, only dogs. But in this place there were cats everywhere.

I felt very frustrated because I wanted to stay, follow my gut feelings and try to find out what this place had hidden for me. My husband was visibly hurting because of what I was doing as he has been suffering from a lot of anxiety since my cat's passing, I didn't want to hurt him. We returned to the city but I still feel the urge to go back to that place. He made me promise I won't touch the subject for the next 2 months, but is hard for me to keep my word. I don't know what to do. I still hear my cat meowing from who knows where, am I going insane?

Finally, last night I dreamt about my cat again. I was awake in the middle of my dream and woke up my husband telling him that I felt I was in an altered state of conciousness and that I could feel and see things that normally one wouldn't feel or see. I kept hearing my cat during the dream, calling for me, trying to get my attention, like he was lost and desperate to come back to his family. My other cat seemed to be very afraid in my dream and he came behind me, like looking for refuge or protection. (My deceased cat used to be very aggressive towards him, we had them separated because of the leukemia). In my dream, I looked out the window and the night was just perfect, like a vision from another world. The sky was so clear and I could see all the stars and constellations. I started calling for my cat, asking where was he. In response, the stars started shining like fireworks, like they were exploding like pieces of popcorn inside a microwave oven. It was all so beautiful, I felt my baby so close to my heart, so alive in everything. It made me feel a bit better when I woke up but then the sadness always comes back. I don't know what to do anymore.

Hi, michilafu, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved companion. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Losing a companion so very young intensifies the grief.

Michilafu, this grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time sometimes one moment at a time for you are now on a journey that is filled with all the first withouts and the memories that are all too painful right now that include this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year to endure. It is a journey that is filled with many different emotions that can overwhelm us all at one time which is why this journey is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride.

Please let me try to reassure you that what you are experiencing is very normal deep grief, as well as reassure you that you are NOT losing your mind. Many people, including me, often have "visits" from our beloved companions letting us know they are well in heaven's perfect garden in the loving care of the angels. Some people can find these "visits" unsettling, but I assure you that you are NOT imagining it when you hear your beloved companion or feel him near you. Even though he is no longer physically with you, his sweet Living Spirit is always with you - - because love is eternal, michilafu - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved companion's sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey as he always has and always will for he is always and forever a part of your heart memories - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I am so sorry your family is not offering you the comfort and support you are needing during your grief adjustment journey. Although clinical professionals recognize that the grief journey for a beloved companion is the same as for a human family member or friend, sadly our world in general - - and sometimes the people who are closest to us emotionally and geographically - - do not. This is one of the many reasons why this wonderful forum is here as a safe place where we can come to share what is in our hearts with those who truly understand what we are going through.

I know so very well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved companion with us, michilafu. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing a picture of him with us - - but only when / if you want to. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Very sorry for your loss. I am also new to this board and find it to be of great comfort and help as we all seem to be suffering from the loss of our best friends. Take it one day at a time. All the best to you and your husband during this tough time.

Thank you both for your kind and caring words. Just knowing that we are all going through the same pain makes it more bearable. The pain is there but it's kind of getting numb, maybe one day I will wake up in the morning without anticipating my beloved cat's presence, without longing to hear him, feel him, take care of him, cuddle with him. Maybe one day a special cat will find me and make me smile again. I don't know. Some people say cat's are magical. I want to believe that my cat is still near me, loving me and protecting me, and that somehow he will manage to come back.

To add more mistery to the strange events happening in my life after my cat's passing, I woke up this morning with what seem to be cat scratches in my left leg. I have no memory of getting scratched by anything. I only have one cat and he's as sweet as honey, not an aggresive cat at all. I didn't even notice the scratches until my husband point them to me this afternoon asking: what is that in your leg? I have no clue, but they are big scratches.

I will keep you posted.

Hi michalafu,

I am so very sorry about the loss of your precious kitty. There is nothing like this kind of grief! He will always be with you, although he has transitioned out of his physical form.

I'm sorry that your husband is handling some of this process so very differently from you. I understand your wish to follow up on the mysterious synchronicities. I have heard that often, parents--whether of human or non-human kids--handle grief differently. Perhaps the signs you need will come to you in ways that you will be able to understand without having to actually travel to the house you were led to by your dream.

However this process goes, please know that your precious cat wants you and your husband to be comforted in any way possible, and to smile again. You are the best of pet parents! You tried everything humanly possible to save your kitty from passing prematurely out of his physical form. Your other kitty is lucky to have you two as well. The world needs more people like you who view animals as precious individuals and who have so much compassion.

Please let us know how you are doing along this journey.

Prayers of comfort to you and your husband,

Kathy

Michalafu-

I'm sorry for you loss, and I know how you feel. My Henry was to me like your was to you - super special, my baby, my best friend, giving love and friendship, even in some hard times in my life. He died in June 2014, and I still cry at least 1-2 times a week, I miss him so.

I wish you comfort and hope things get better for you.

michilafu,

I am sorry to hear of the passing of your beloved cat. I too understand what its like to have your animal babies be children to you and your husband. When me and my wife first met she had Abby, our lovely Boston Terrier who was with us from the minute our relationship started. We lost her a month ago. My purpose for living seem to die with her. We have had a child since, but it didn't diminish the pain we felt when it was her time to go. I understand how you feel, and I am sure that everyone on this forum understands and grieves with you.

My first pet owning experience was a golden retriever. I named him rusty. I had him for 7 weeks before he died of cancer. You words of your love being ripped from you without permission rang all to clear to me. He died in 2007 and not a day goes by where I don't think about him for at least a minute a day. I too used to see him out of the corner of my eye, I dreamed about him, I even swore I saw him walking in a park years later after I lost him. All of this is extremely normal and part of the process of healing. You need not apologize, rather, you need to be honest about your feelings. Opening up and expressing how you feel is the only way you will come to some peace with losing your cat, its never easy but then again that is the price we pay for love. Those we love we must always say goodbye too, who would want that to be easy?

You gave that cat a wonderful life, and sometimes that isn't enough to make us feel OK when they go. But you will, in your own time, allow another animal companion into your life, and they will be equally as blessed to have such a wonderful mother and father as your baby did. Grieve but grieve knowing that you are not going crazy, there is nothing wrong with you, you are grieving the loss of your best friend, your child, your love. There should be more people in the world like you and it would be a better place.

I pray for comfort and peace to you and yours during this time.

-Kevin