I haven't had to deal with this kind of pain since I lost my cat Petunia back in 2011. Unfortunately it happened again
I lost my black cat Severus on the 17th and I am devastated. I have no one who I can talk to and I'm finding it both difficult and comforting that everything else remains the same.
He had previously been diagnosed with a grade 2 heart murmur and my once 18 pound cat shrunk to 9 to 10 pounds.
Despite that he was always up to eat greet me or socialize with my other 2 cats Daisy and Patchabie.
I came home Feb 6 to find him open mouth breathing I didn't get him into the vets till the 10 where they did X-rays. I believed it would cost 600 dollars like it did at my other vets the first time his heart was checked. They only charged 160 I feel guilty that I didn't ask the price and get his heat looked at sooner. They couldn't see his heart because his lungs were fluid filled so they drained them on the 11 and placed him on Lasix. He was still having difficulty breathing so I brought him back to the vet on the 17 to have his lungs drained again . I waited in the waiting room as the secretary told me they had drained only one lung they were attempting to do the second but he was not happy. Turns out he ended up passing away during the procedure. I found out at the vets that he had dropped to 6 pounds when he was weighed on the 17 he was 7 apparently when they weighed him on the 10 or 11. They never told me he had lost the weight I knew he was light but I thought he was still 9 to 10 pounds . They also told me and showed me that the fluid in his lungs was tainted in blood.
I feel so guilty for not having his heart checked as I believe his murmur progressed into heart disease and killed him. I just thought it would cost 600 and Since I moved states I didn't have any savings left I couldn't afford that even for myself.
I also hadn't been giving him his atenolol though he did get part of a baby aspirin every 3 to 4 days to prevent clots. I thought he was doing ok without his atenolol but I should never have stopped giving it to him daily.
The night of the 16 he curled up next to me in bed and I was so positive he would beat this and live but I should have spared him the pain and put him down. He was just still active and talking to me so I was scared to make that choice if he could be saved.
I'm just missing him so much and feeling guilty and nobody around me cares that I hurt.

Hi, Kitty Mom, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Severus. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Losing a companion suddenly intensifies the grief.

Kitty Mom, as you know this grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time sometimes one moment at a time for you are now on a journey that is filled with all the first withouts and the memories that can be all too painful right now that include this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year to endure. It is a journey that is filled with many different emotions - - one of them being guilt / remorse - - that haunt and torture our hearts and minds as we try to reconcile all the whys, what ifs, and if onlys.

Kitty Mom, there is no doubt you did everything you could for your beloved Severus to give him a happy healthy earthly journey. I can so understand your financial situation - - funds can be stretched just so far. Your beloved Severus knows beyond all shadow of doubt that you love him and would move heaven and earth to give him a good quality of life. You did the best you could with the information and resources available to you at the time to give your beloved Severus every chance possible. I hope as you travel your grief journey you will find a peace in your heart that your beloved Severus is eternally grateful for everything you did for him during his earthly journey and that he is forever blessed to have you for his Forever Mom.

Although you are now enduring the painful process of adjusting your life without the blessing of your beloved Severus' sweet precious physical presence, there is one thing that will never change - - the love bond you and your beloved Severus share. Love is eternal, Kitty Mom - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Severus' sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey as he always has and always will - - for he is always and forever a part of your heart and memories - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know all too well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Severus with us, Kitty Mom. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing a picture of him with us - - but only when / if you want to. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Kitty Mom, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you for your reply. I attempted to add a photo but was told the file was larger than the available space.
I go through moments of intense grief and guilt and other times I feel almost normal. The grief scares me a little sometimes I feel like I will never feel happy again without my Boo (Nickname for Severus).
Other times I feel angry not at anyone just the fact that Severus died and I have to feel like this.
I'm not entirely sure how old he was. I thought he was given to me by a friend in the year 2000 to cheer me up after my black half Siamese cat Sylvester disappeared. He was only 5 weeks old when I got him. My mother on the other hand does not believe I got him that early and thinks he was only almost 13.

I'm used to and happy to spend time alone usually so I don't really have anyone interested in helping me deal with my grief.
My mother wants me not to dwell on it. I attempt not to but it isn't easy to avoid the fact that a much loved being who has been with me for years just died. Especially when everything in my apartment reminds me of Severus.
I try not to shut myself off and make myself go out. Of course I must go to work it hasn't been fun working while trying not to cry all day. I'm also trying to love up my 2 remaining female cats Patchabie and Daisy. Though being with them is also a constant reminder of Severus.

The 18 was the first full day without Severus and I spent it working while attempting to appear happy. I deserve an award for my acting. I returned home to feed my cats only to grab 3 bowls and 3 pouches of meow mix completely forgetting for a second that I only required 2 now. It was just instinct to grab 3 of each as I'd always had 3 cats to feed.

Sometimes I find my mind trying to convince myself that Severus is still alive and just sleeping in one of his hiding spots in the apartment out of my sight. I know this is not true and he won't be coming back but I believe this is my brains attempt to cheer me up and fix my depression.

Dear Kitty Mom,

I am so sorry about your heartbreak!!! Everything moon_beam said is so very true.

You, Patchabie, and Daisy will get through this ! Especially knowing that Boo is still right there with you (and at the same time free of the time/space confinements that are a part of our life in these physical bodies).

Severus does not want you in great pain. If the roles were reversed and it had been you who had passed from your physical body, you wouldn't want Severus to suffer. He wants as much peace for you as possible.

You'll be fully reunited years from now when it is your time to pass. But in the meantime Boo is still with you, even though you miss his physical presence so much.

Please try not to feel guilty! I think all of us have feel guilt and remorse over things we "could have" done. That is only human, and we are not supposed to be perfect. What IS perfect is the love bond that you and Severus share and will always share.

I'm sorry that you don't have a strong support network where you are. Please continue to come back here. We do understand, and we do care!

Hugs, and prayers of peace,
Kathy
P.S. If you would like to see about possibly different ways to add a photo, send me a private message. I would love to see a picture of your sweet Severus.

Hi, Kitty Mom, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief - - very painful both emotionally and physically, yes - - still very normal.
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From first hand experience I can so understand how painful it is to put on the "public face" to go to work and be out in the world trying to hold in the painful sorrow until you are in a place where you can release your deep sorrow. I remember being thankful for the privacy of the restroom at work where I could retreat to regain my composure so that I could go back to my desk to continue working. And then getting into the car and the flood of gut-wrenching sobbing bursting during the drive home. Even though we may have other precious companions still with us, this doesn't stop the ache in our hearts as endure the painful adjustment for the beloved soul who is no longer physically with us. In their own way your precious Patchabie and Daisy are also grieving the physical absence of their beloved housemate Severus. I know you are comforting them, and in comforting them you will also find comfort.

I hope today is treating you and your precious Patchabie and Daisy kindly, Kitty Mom, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Severus' sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you and your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

I watched old videos of my cats yesterday and the difference was startling. I moved states in late November 2013. Sometime between then and in 2014 Severus went from looking like a normal cat to skin and bones. He had no muscle mass.Looking back I feel like I didn't take this seriously enough. In the videos he was more active and heavier I don't even remember exactly when he started losing the wight which should have been a red flag.
Yes I took him to the vets but I knew all they were doing was treating the symptoms.
His stomach started growling making loud noises and he began vomiting a lot. All he got was a refill of cerenia to help with nausea or a shot of it. A previous vet before I moved said he could have had cancer but at the time I didn't have the 600 dollars for another X-ray and ultrasound . I knew I would have to use my savings for rent.Vets had been trying to diagnose him with everything from cat scratch fever to thyroid disease and every test came back negative.Severus started walking on the top of one of his front feet one night. I immediately thought blood clot but after letting him sleep with me that night it was better. I don't think I ever told the vet. He started pooping beside his litter box and his fur changed color. A vet told me he was simply stressed and old. I knew this was a sign of some bigger problem and should have been more aggressive in discovering what he had. I knew he was sick but I had some kind of blinders on and just believed he would live through everything.
It just really bothers me that I have no memory of when he started to go down hill and I feel like even though I loved him dearly I allowed this to happen.

Kitty Mom,

I am so sorry for your loss of Severus. Since 2008, I have suffered the loss of three cats, and just last week, our beloved dog, so I very much understand the pain you are going through.

My first cat to have to have passed away, Annie, in 2008, I had had since 1999, when I rescued a pregnant cat, named Amber, off the streets of Philadelphia on snowy winter night. She gave birth to a litter of five female kittens in January 1999, three of which we kept, along with the mother. Annie was one of them, and from an early age - 3 or 4 - she developed a strange tremor/shake in her body. It was subtle, but it would happen regularly, almost like she was shivering, but I knew it wasn't that, and it would just happen in spurts a few times a day/week, but never at the vet's office. I had her tested for everything the Vet suggested and none of the tests or blood work turned up anything significant. The next step was to have an MRI done, which I was told would cost $1,000-$1,200 to see if she had a brain tumor. I didn't have the money and the vet I was working with mentioned that if they were to discover a brain tumor, it was likely there would be no treatment. It seemed foolish to spend money I didn't have to discover a problem I couldn't treat, so we just lived with her condition, which did gradually worsen, until she passed away from a series of seizures when she was around 10 years old.

Last September, we lost our 17 year old cat Juniper (aka June) to likely abdominal cancer. Like Severus, she also turned into skin and bones and had a lot of similar symptoms. All her blood work was normal for the last year and a half of her life. The vet wanted to do an ultrasound to help understand if a tumor was present, but there no guarantees we'd get a definitive diagnosis and it would cost $300. If she had cancer the only treatment option would cost $1K-$2K, require weekly chemotherapy and MIGHT prolong her life by 9 months to a 1.5 years. Given her absolute hatred of the vet's office, going in for weekly chemotherapy would have been torture for her and for us. I did spend a lot of money in the last few months of her life taking her to a couple of different vets for evaluation, but none of it made any difference. We made the decision to continue to treat her symptoms and hope for improvement, but in the end none of the medications stopped her decline and she passed away peacefully. I think it was her time.

I guess my point in sharing these stories is to show how kitties, like humans, sometimes have medical conditions that just can't be easily diagnosed or treated. Or the emotional toll on the cat would be too great - ie, weekly chemotherapy. I'm sure June would have been a lot happier had she not been dragged to as many vet visits the last 8 months of her life. Every situation is different but sometimes we are being kinder to our cats by doing LESS for them and simply loving them. It's hard to see that side of the coin when we feel like we should be doing everything we can for them, and feel guilty when we can't afford to or miss symptoms.

It sounds like what you did for Severus was prudent and reasonable, and it is likely that more treatment or more money spend on diagnosis would not have resulted in much of a significant difference, given his history and his symptoms. It is very difficult in the moment when we want to save our little babies, but with time, you will see there is truth to this and it will lessen the feelings of guilt. I am so sorry for your loss. Severus was loved, and from the perspective of his little cat world, that was all he cared about.

Hi, Kitty Mom, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief when you share with us: "I feel like even though I loved him dearly I allowed this to happen." Unfortunately we are mere mortals - - and contrary to what technology advances would have us believe we are not omnipotent beings with the power to control the matters of longevity of life. The reality is we can only do what we can with the information and resources we have at any given moment, and our primary focus is based on quality of life.

The blessing is that our companions accept us for who we are and our limitations. They do not care about our financial wealth, social status, the structure of where they live with us - - their only desire is to be with us for however long their earthly journey may be. YOU, Kitty Mom, did everything in your human and humane power to give your beloved Severus a happy healthy earthly journey. I hope you will take to heart the wise comforting words our forum friend Carlab wrote to you: "Severus was loved, and from the perspective of his little cat world, that was all he cared about."

I hope today is treating you and your precious Patchabie and Daisy kindly, Kitty Mom, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Severus' sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you and your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

I've really been missing my cat Severus. Last Sunday someone at the grocery store saw me buying cat food and I almost told her I have 3 cats instead of 2. I know it is a habit and he just died the 17 but it hurts.
I can't stop thinking that he might still be here if I had figured out exactly what was wrong with him. Though I am glad that he is no longer in any pain.

He survived so many things from having bad mouth sores that caused him to need 10 teeth pulled (one of his nicknames was Mr. Gummers) -urine crystals--a grumbling stomach- either high or low white blood cells-
low potassium-vomiting-occasional diarrhea-he even started refusing to poop in his litter box he just urinated in it and pooped beside it.
Once he even had what appeared to be a blood clot in one of his front paws that caused him to walk on the top of his foot but that got better overnight. I was originally sure I could nurse him through this.

I wasn't sure exactly how old he was but I came across an old vet record that lists his birthday as Aug 25,01. I thought he was at least almost 15 it just feels like he died to young. I guess I should be used to is seeing as my cat Petunia passed away at only 8 or 9 back in 2011.

I'm having trouble getting excited about anything. I just bought a house and I will be moving out of this apartment by the end of April. Right now I'm torn between thinking the move will be a good thing and being sad to leave the last place Severus was alive in.

If you want to see pictures check out this link it is only up free for about 14 days before getting deleted and some of the pictures are lopsided but you can see my Boo.

http://www.critters.com/main.php?action=vi...&page_no=-1

Hi, Kitty Mom, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I can so relate to how you're feeling about your new home - - the anticipation of sharing it with your beloved Severus only now to be carrying him with you in your heart. I hope in some way you will know your beloved Severus IS with you now and always wherever you go and whatever you do.

Thank you so much for sharing the wonderful pictures of your beloved Severus and his house mates with us. He is a handsome boy, and it is obvious from the expression in his eyes and on his face that he KNOWS he is loved.

I hope today is treating you and your precious Patchabie and Daisy kindly, Kitty Mom, and that you will have peaceful evenings blessed with your beloved Severus' sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you and your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

I really wish the grieving would stop soon though part of me doesn't want to move on and stop thinking about Severus. I'm having a bit of a tough two days. I just can't stop thinking that I stood by and let Severus get so skinny when I should have had him tested for cancer. I had a little over a year to do this but I didn't. I did take him to different vets but I knew they were only treating the symptoms and I feel like I should have done more for him. I just thought he'd be OK and that we had more time.
I just can't seem to stop wishing I'd done things differently so I wouldn't have these regrets.
I'm also missing him a lot. I have Patchabie and Daisy who are both wonderful cats but they aren't my Boo.

Hi, Kitty Mom, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal grief when you share with us: "I feel like I should have done more for him. I just can't seem to stop wishing I'd done things differently so I wouldn't have these regrets."

Kitty Mom, one of the many emotions all of us experience during the deep grief is guilt / remorse which comes from looking back and trying to reconcile all the "whys" "what ifs" and "if onlys" that haunt and torture our heart and mind when we are so emotionally vulnerable with deep sorrow. Hopefully in time as your deep grief eases you will be able to find a peace in your heart that your beloved Severus KNOWS that you did EVERYTHING in your human and humane power to give him a happy, healthy earthly journey - - and that he eternally loves YOU for loving him.

Unfortunately there are no fast forward or delete buttons we can press to speed up the grief journey or make it automatically disappear. Hopefully you know we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us, Kitty Mom.

I hope today is treating you and your precious Patchabie and Daisy kindly, Kitty Mom, and that you will have peaceful evenings blessed with your beloved Severus' sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you and your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Kitty,

Just wanted to say I am so sorry for the loss of your Severus.....he looks just like my boy cat Percy, they could have been twins.

Please don't beat yourself up, it's so easy to do it, but life sometimes gets in our way and we don't do things, that in hindsight, we should have done.

I lost my 19 year old tabby Cloud yesterday - she has has a kidney problem since about 2012 and has been managing it since then. She was a fabulous cat and I miss her so much.

I totally get where you are coming from - every time I go upstairs, and into my husband's and my room....someone is missing. She slept in our room and ensuite bathroom! It's my trigger going up there.

Just wanted to say hello and that you are not alone, but please don't blame yourself, my girl must have lost about 2 pounds in a week, she went downhill within days. Last Friday she was fine, by Tuesday she was gone.

Hugs and just wanted to say your little sweeties are so beautiful, Severus is just gorgeous.

Just spoke with the vet who said Severus also had pretty bad off kidneys. That is a reason he could have gotten so thin. I was told that if I only gave him aspirin for his heart murmur every 3 days it shouldn't have caused his bad kidneys. His kidneys were fine Before he started aspirin and I'm so afraid I hurt him by forcing him to take it. I lost my cat Petunia to metacam back in 2011 now I have doubts that I didn't hurt Severus. I was giving him aspirin every 3 days up to the day he died.
Every bad thing that happened to him happened after he started aspirin.

aspirin started 2/21/13
Collapsed twice on and around 9/25/13 emergency vet said it wasn't seizures he had slightly elevated sugar that could have been stress and instructed me to keep giving aspirin.
11/5/13 to 11/9/13 he stopped eating and needed to be force fed.
Sometime in 2014 he lost all his muscle started vomiting .
I noticed after he died I didn't have to change the litter as much which means he was going a lot. I didn't know I just thought it was because I had 3 cats?

I feel so bad about this what if I made the wrong choice giving him aspirin and he could have lived longer without it?
I didn't want to give it to him at first but his vet insisted and said his back legs could go if I didn't.
I even posted something on here under a different user name asking about aspirin when I first started. I was so worried about it.
http://lightning-strike.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=6877

Hi, Kitty Mom, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to offer you some comfort in reassuring you that you did everything in your power to give your beloved Severus a happy, healthy earthly journey. In giving our companions medications - - whatever the medications are - - there are side-effects for them as there are side-effects when we take medications as well. We have to balance the "benefits" of the medications versus the side-effects and make as best a decision we can as to what is in the "best interest" for our companion's health. You ALWAYS did this, Kitty Mom - - and your beloved Severus KNOWS this.

Many years ago my canine companion Samson who is now with the angels developed the canine form of Crohn's Disease and required a daily dose of Prednisone to combat the effects of the chronic symptoms. His vet and I periodically tried to wean him from the Prednisone because of the long-term side-effects but were unsuccessful because as soon as the medication was stopped his symptoms returned. So there was no choice but to keep him on the Prednisone and deal with the side-effects as they presented themselves. Eventually the side-effects became too much for my beloved Samson to deal with, and when his kidneys failed I made the decision to have his veterinary care provider ease his journey home to the angels.

Kitty Mom, there are many emotions we all experience during this grief journey, and one of them is guilt / remorse which comes from looking back and trying to reconcile all the "whys" "what ifs" and "if onlys" that haunt and torture our hearts and minds during a time when we are so emotionally vulnerable. You have NOTHING to feel guilty about in giving your beloved Severus the aspirin he needed for his heart mumur and to prevent blood clots. Both his primary veterinary care provider AND the emergency vet instructed you to give him the aspirin, - - you did what you were advised to do by TWO qualified veterinarians. Had you NOT given your beloved Severus the aspirin and something had happened you would be wondering if he would still be okay if you HAD given him the aspirin. This is what guilt / remorse does - - it plays havoc with our ability to stay focused on what we did RIGHT - - and there is NO DOUBT in what you share with us that you did the RIGHT thing in giving your beloved Severus the aspirin he needed. I hope in time you will come to find a peace in your heart that you did EVERYTHING RIGHT for your beloved Severus.

I hope today is treating you and your precious Patchabie and Daisy kindly, Kitty Mom, and that you will have peaceful evenings blessed with your beloved Severus' sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you and your precious companions are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Kitty Mom, I'm so sorry for your loss of your beloved Severus. I too have felt so guilty about my beloved little dog, Lilly, who left us on 12 March. She was diagnosed with liver damage and died just six days later. I have or should I say am wrestling with guilt and beating myself up because I hadn't realised how ill she was, but I have read on here that guilt is normal and part of the process of our grief. I am clinging to the knowledge that Lilly, just like your beautiful Severus would not want us to feel guilty as they knew how much we loved and cared for them. I always take comfort in moon-beam's words that love is eternal and our beloved babies will always be with us. Sending you a hug and blessings to your beloved Severus.

Hi, Kitty Mom

My deepest sympathy goes out to you over your loss of Severus.

I am also going through "what if's" and "I should have done..." stage, and every time I think about the passing of my sweet Tama, I go into uncontrollable sobs.

Please hang in there - please take a comfort in that many of us here in this site have experienced this gut-wrenching loss of a beloved companion (or companions), and in this forum, we hope to find some solace - we are all here for you. Please keep posting how you are feeling.

Much love,

Hisae Y.