I don't tend to post on public forums (or any forum, really) much, but I need to get this story off my chest and this seemed like a good place...

We lost our treasured border collie/blue heeler mix dog, Teal, yesterday. She just turned 6 years old earlier this month. Her death was extremely sudden, in all likely hood she was hit by a car, but no one saw it happen. She had only a small abrasion over her eye and a small abrasion on her paw the same side of her body to indicate a trauma.

My husband found her sitting upright, looking composed, sitting with her paws crossed in the side yard of the house he is living in and renovating for resale. We are living apart right now due to circumstances beyond our control. He is in Texas, working on a home renovation that has been going on for the last 1.5 years, and took our Teal with him 10 days ago for company, so he did not get too lonely. I am in New Mexico with our two other dogs and five cats. I had to experience her passing from a distance, over the phone. Due to the distance and number of pets we have and the renovation work at the house, I cannot join him to grieve her passing.

She was a great dog, beautiful, intelligent, loving, extremely happy, very bonded to both of us and her pack. We raised her from 8 weeks of age, along with her brother Oscar. Two years ago we added another needy dog to the pack, Gin. Gin was a rescue and Teal was her everything. She has no way of knowing what happened to Teal except now she'll never see her again.

At the time my husband found Teal she seemed momentarily ok, except she did not come to his call. He went to her, and noticed the two abrasions and that while she was looking around she was not behaving ok. He called me to tell me she had been injured and that I should call a local vet so he could take her in. Within a minute or two of having found her, he said she "let go" and laid down and began a labored breathing. He drove the car around to where she lay on the lawn and loaded her into it. By the time he arrived at the vet's office - 4 minutes away - he carried her in but her body was limp and he knew she was gone.

She had been out that morning, running in the yard. The yard is not fenced but there are two acres and beyond that additional greenbelt area and she stayed close to my husband and the house. Unfortunately, he had decided to run an errand that morning and when he looked for her in the yard, she was not present. He proceeded with his errand, confident she would be waiting for him when he returned. When he did not see her when he returned 45 minutes later, he went looking for her up the street (a cul-de-sac), but did not see her. As he had not had breakfast, he went inside and started some potatoes, then decided to look for her again. This is when he found her sitting in her usual pose, looking ok from a distance but not coming.

The crazy cruel joke is that she looked just herself when he found her, but in the next few moments laid down and died. We wonder if it was possible that she was hanging on waiting for him, so she could be with him when she passed. It seems incredible that she would have the ability to stay conscience and alive just until her found her, but we have no idea at what point in the previous 1-2 hours she may have been injured. Part of me feels like it must have just happened, but we have no way of knowing. No way of knowing if perhaps he had found her earlier, they might have been able to save her, or if it would not have made a difference.

The loss of our beloved dog at far too young of age is compounded by the tragedy of how it happened, and not being able to be together to grieve together. We are both broken hearted and just trying to carry on with the practical realities of life and the completion of the home renovation. It needs to be ready for the selling season, less than a month away now.

While I don't blame him for not spending the extra time looking for her before he left to run his errand, but I know that if I had been there I would never have left the house without securing her. Animal care has often been a point of contention in our relationship, as I spend a lot of time making sure every cat and dog is where s/he be before leaving the house, even if it means he goes and I stay until I locate the pet and know they are safe/secured. At times it feels like I spend 1/3 of my waking hours taking care of animals and I just see this as my responsibility to being their caregiver. He has, at times, in the past, resented the time investment I have on behalf of the animals, even while I know he loves each and every one of them just as much as I do. Teal was his special dog, and he was her caregiver at the time her life ended, and I know he's feeling the guilt of that, even though it is true it could have happened at any time, under any conditions.

I'm devastated by her loss, and though insulated by the distance I am so sorry I didn't have the chance to say goodbye or tell her I loved her one last time. I only wish I could have been there to protect her from herself and her wild ways. She had a great life, everything she wanted was hers and she was extremely happy. I, as well as the rest of her pack, will always miss her.

Hi, Carlab, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Teal. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Losing a companion so suddenly and at a very young age intensifies the grief.

Carlab, this grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time sometimes one moment at a time for you are now a journey that is filled with all the first withouts and the memories that can be all to painful right now that include this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year to endure.

Even though you were not physically with her when your beloved Teal transitioned home to the angels, there is no doubt that she knows you love her and that both you and your husband did everything in your power to give her a happy healthy safe earthly journey. Part of this grief journey is trying to reconcile all the why's, what if's, and if only's that haunt and torture our hearts and minds when we are so emotionally vulnerable. Unfortunately there are no fast forward or delete buttons we can press to speed up the process or make it automatically disappear.

I know so well from first hand experience how difficult it is to see another precious companion grieve the physical absence of a house mate. I know you will do everything in your power to help your precious Gin adjust to Teal's physical absence. Even though your beloved Teal is now with the angels, there is one thing that will never change - - the love bond you and your beloved Teal share. Love is eternal, Carlab - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. There is no doubt in my mind that your beloved Teal's sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey as she always has and always will - - for she is always and forever a part of your heart and memories - - she is always and forever a heartbeat close to you and all of her precious house mates.

I also know that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. Still, I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief journey.

Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Teal with us, Carlab. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing a picture of her with us - - but only when / if you want to. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Carlab,

I echo everything moon_beam said, and I am so sorry to hear of this heart-wrenching incident!

You blessed your precious Teal with a blissfully happy earthly life.

I do believe she was hanging on so that she could be with your husband when she passed.

Sending you and your husband and Oscar and Gin prayers of peace and healing,

Kathy

Teal sounds like she was a beautiful dog I have both cattle dogs and Border collies and they are wonderful breeds. However they can be partial to a bit of car chasing, probably something to do with that herding instinct. I can well understand your grief at losing such a wonderful dog so young. So sorry for her loss.

I also know that sometimes men can be a little less rigorous than women in their attention to where a dog is. I remember a partner of mine left his dog at the local service station by accident and he really loved that dog. Fortunately it ended well. I was always slightly nervous when I had to leave the dogs with him. He loved them dearly but was just more relaxed about where they were than I was. As you say it has probably hit him really hard now and he probably feels terrible about what happened. I really feel for him. We lost a young dog that followed my mother into a horse paddock. My mother had thought she was safely secured and hadnt noticed that she wasnt, in an instant she was kicked by a horse and died on her way to the vet, she had no visible marks on her at all. These things just happen from time to time and one just has to learn from it. It doesnt help much during the grieving process though. My nother still carries the memories and guilt from that day.

Teal sounds like she was very loved and had a wonderful life with both of you. Like all of us who come here having lost dogs, the guilt, the what ifs, the shock at losing them at any age, and the overwhelming heartache at their loss is something we all seem to share. It is not easy.

Thank you to everyone for your kind words of support. The past 48 hours have stood still for me, one long day of sorrow, anger, bitterness and tears. I woke up feeling deeply responsible for not protecting her, or ensuring her protection, but I find myself a little more at peace this evening.

Part of the torture is not knowing what happened to her. The car theory is just that, a theory, but doesn't seem to fit her injuries particularly well, or the place and manner in which she was found. The vet first wondered about if a coyote might have attacked her, but she was a fearless coyote chaser, and again, the single injury didn't seem to match - she didn't look like she'd been in a dog fight. Just statistically, the car theory seems the likeliest.

Yesterday at dusk, looking out the dining room window, my husband noticed a 3 or 4 year old buck, a younger buck, and a doe. He commented on them to me as they browsed the lower yard. This evening, the same deer appeared at the same time, but this time they came very close to the house, and he could see that the older buck was limping. Then the deer were browsing in the very spot that Teal was found and he could see that the older buck had a swollen lower leg, like from a puncture wound, and possibly some shredded skin or a flap of skin at the same spot. He realized suddenly that the deer must live in the thicket just below the house (there are two acres and a greenbelt). We've seen deer in the area, and even in the yard at dusk, but never have lived there consistently to notice the same deer and the fact they were living so close to the house.

For Teal, deer would be have been Christmas, and there is no doubt she would have given chase. Based on the injury to the bucks lower leg, where a dog in pursuit would grab, it seems very possible, even likely, that if Teal encountered these deer, gave chase, grabbed a leg (she is part heeler), the buck would turned on her and either kick or strike her in the head with his antlers. I would never have considered deer much of a threat to dogs, other than running into traffic during a chase, but as I googled the topic discovered that deer can be aggressive and do kill dogs on occasion, as well as the other way around. While it is just a theory, it seems as likely if not more likely than the car theory. It seem undeniable Teal would have encountered these deer at some point, and they definitely had the capacity to injure, even kill her, especially if she were attacking.

While it doesn't change anything, finding a plausible answer to the mystery of her death provides a small measure of comfort in the moment. It makes perfect sense that she'd bite off more than she could chew in pursuit of the hunt, not knowing her own limitations or frailty, or the strength of her prey.

Yes it is a possible theory. If Teal was anything like my cattle dogs they are fearless with larger animals having been originally bred to tackle wild station and ranch cattle. They rarely backdown and are often oblivious of the danger that they are in. My working bred Border collie is also pretty fearless when I work him on aggressive rams. I have been around working dogs most my life and have seen them killed by livestock on a few occassions. Trampling or a well aimed kick or horn can do it often without leaving a mark. One of my rams came close to injuring one of my kelpies so I now only use my big Border collie when working him through the yards. My Border collie knows how to handle him without injury to either party, but he is very skilled.

I do know that after losing a dog one does tend to search through all the possibilities of the circumstances, especially when there is some question or mystery around them. I think this is a natural part of the grieving process. I have been down this track before and spent many hours googling stuff following the death of a loved dog. It often takes quite a while to find some peace when there is a question that cannot possibly be answered and finding a likely theory is always of some comfort for some reason.

It is very hard and you just have to keeping working your way through it. I still miss my lost dogs but still feel so lucky to have jad them in my life. I too have lost a young cattle dog and it is not easy and I still blame myself for not keeping her as safe as I could have and I named my farm after her to honour her memory.

Teal (aka Little Dog, Matilda, Tilde, Tilde Von Waggenstein, Doggenstein)
February 2009 - February 2015


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Teal and Oscar the day they were brought home. Teal was known as Matilda in this photo. She had an inscrutable little face. You can tell she's the boss.

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Our Little Dog in classic pose with crossed paws.

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When Gin found Teal.

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Good times...

A couple more that didn't fit...

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The Dynamic Duo on their way to the park. The open pickup truck was NOT my idea. I bit my fingernails the whole way. Luckily the park was only 5 minutes away.

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All three together on an evening walk in New Mexico.

Summer Holly,

Thank you for your perspective and sharing of your experience. It helps me to be able to share with others who have been here.

Teal was absolutely fearless, but her experience was chasing coyotes and rabbits in the sagebrush. Rarely did she ever encounter larger game, and the times she did we were quick to rein in her as we did not want her chasing deer. But of course you have to be present to notice if that is going on, and my husband did not follow her outside that morning. I probably would have, perhaps even called her back after a short time. The weather had been bad the previous two days and she'd been inside, hadn't wanted to go out. That morning was gorgeous, and she woke him up asking to go out. He held off until 7:45 am, thinking that would be ok.

I fear we indulged her "wild" nature too much, naively oblivious to where the bad habits could lead. One of the reasons my husband took Teal with him to Texas was because we wanted to break up the pack a bit and take her out of the wild sagebrush environment of New Mexico. She was pushing herself too hard to compete with Gin (3 years younger) and it showed with frequent limping and aches. She was regularly bringing back jackrabbits, which surprised and dismayed us. We thought the time in Texas would give her a break and time to repair. We thought we were doing something good for her, only to have it end like this.

Whether it was a deer, a car, or some other unforeseen and unknown danger, I can't help but feel betrayed by what I've begun to feel is my husband's lack of regard for her safety that morning. Since her habit was to stay in the yard close to the house, when he could not find her the first time he should have kept looking until she returned, or he located her - since specifically, she could be hurt if she wasn't coming and might need immediate attention. Perhaps if he'd found her earlier she would have had medical attention in time. The errands was not urgent in any way. Like most men, he hates waiting. We've argued over this very issue just a month ago at the house in Texas. I put my foot down and told him there was was no way I was leaving the house until (both Gin and Teal) dogs were located and secured. Oscar never goes anywhere, he is a homebody. Both returned safely within 10-15 minutes of when he wanted to leave. I spoke to him on the phone that morning, when he was in the middle of his errand, and asked about Teal, if she was with him. He said "no, she doesn't need to ride around in the truck with me all the time", and it sounded like a strange explanation since I know he was happy to take her places, but he didn't say anything further and I didn't know he'd left her loose. I'm sure he didn't tell me because he knew how I felt about that.

I know with all my heart that he never would to do anything to put her in harm's way intentionally. He just never thinks anything could ever be "wrong", not just with the animals, but with anything. I overcompensate and frequently worry something MIGHT be wrong, specifically because he never wants to acknowledge the potential. I realize it serves no purpose to blame him and putting a rift between us over this issue is meaningless since we need to support each other through this. It is a very hollow "I told you so", but I'm also angry that he wasn't more careful with our beautiful dog. His position is that the only thing he could have done differently was not let her out, which wasn't an option that morning since she'd been inside for 12 hours and needed to pee. I realize arguing over these details makes little difference at this point, but we do have two more dogs that I'd like to see into old age.

I realize I have the same potential to make a mistake that results in tragedy, therefore I must forgive him. But it is a very difficult .... I realize that as you go through life, loss is part of it, and sometimes tragedy too. This is just the price of being alive, and there will be more loss to endure, perhaps even more tragedy. Right now, in my grief, it's just too easy to see life as a string of losses to be endured.

Hi, Carlab, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please permit me to try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief - - and all the emotions that accompany it - - including anger about the circumstances of your beloved Teal's physical loss.

Unfortunately none of us is blessed with the gift of foreknowledge, nor can we change the circumstances of the past. Yet realizing this is not enough to lay aside our normal emotions of grief, guilt, and anger while we struggle with the deep sorrow of loss. Clinical professionals recognize that a very essential part of grieving is having a safe way to express our feelings without fear of recrimination. This is one of the many reasons why this wonderful forum is here. Please know we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Thank you so much for sharing these wonderful pictures of your beloved Teal with us. It is so obvious from the expression on her face that she knows she is loved.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Carlab, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Teal's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi carlab. I am going through something so similar right now. I'm going to post about it later. That in itself is very hard to do.

I just want to say I understand so well these flooding feelings of guilt, shame and confusion and then, having nowhere to put them. I can't stop crying long enough to think straight.
For now, you are not alone.

I'm so sorry for al of it.

I am so sorry about your dog. I think it is the unknown which is the worst. I am going through terrible grief right now after I lost my miniature schnauzer Watson last week. We don't know why he died. I left him at my sons house for 6 days while I went out of town with my husband for work. While I was gone Watson wasn't eating and acted depressed. My son thought he was just missing me and said he didn't seem ill. He also has a dog and he left them in the backyard (with food and water in their open garage) all day while him and his wife were gone to school and work. on the day we were supposed to pick him up my son called and said he found him in his garage breathing heavily and acted like he was in pain. So I told him to rush him to our nearest after-hours pet hospital and within 15 mins of him being there he passed away before they had a chance to stabilize him. I'm terribly devastated and it hurts so bad. I can't eat or stop crying. It was a week ago yesterday. The worst part of it is he was only 2 yrs and 2 months old. I've wore myself out trying to get some kind of a answer. I've lost three other dogs in my life but he has been the hardest I think. Maybe because he was so young.