I lost my wonderful marmalade cat Percy on October 23rd because I failed to recognize how sick he was. By the time I got him to the vet, he was in such pain that a little rough handling by a receptionist put him into shock that he died from within seconds. Now I am going through the same torment that everyone else here has experienced. The grief is overwhelming sometimes, and although it is not as horrible as it was for the first few weeks I am still breaking down every day. My wife is getting worn down by my misery -- she was not really attached to Percy, and I was strongly bonded with him. Is there anything that helps with this, aside from time? Therapy, drugs, pet loss discussion groups, taking a vacation? If time does help, how long does it take to start feeling better? I know everyone is different, but I am trying to find things that will help and a goal to work toward. Thank you for your thoughts.

Ritch, I just lost my wonderful Holly about 5 weeks ago. Same as you I didnt recognise how sick she was. I was totally floored at how one day she was okay apparently and the next day I was having her euthanaised. A friend of mine who is a vet told me that this is not uncommon, sometimes it is very hard to recognise that they are really sick.

I also ask if there is a quick way to stop missing my sweet girl so much. I dont think there is really, you just have to ride it out. Just as I think I am coming good something sets it all off again.

I have lost loved pets before but this girl was so special. I think it is related to that bond. I grieved for them all but this seems to be never ending. I dont think it is something you can predict really.

I think you have to focus on the fact that Percy had a great life with you. Try not to focus on the end and the guilt you might feel, but on the special times. Many animals out there have terrible lives. Your Percy was one of the lucky ones. He was loved and he knew that. Keep focussing on that.

For me in the past getting a new pup was a great healer. This time I am not in the position to do that as I have other dogs. I am really trying to take pleasure in them and giving them lots of hugs.

Good luck with it all and remember that Percy was loved and that is what was most important to him.

Hi, Ritch, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Percy. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Losing a companion unexpectedly intensifies the grief.

Ritch, this grief journey is one of the hardest experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is a journey filled with many different emotions that can overwhelm us all at one time - - which is why it is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. It is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time in your own way and in your own time for you are now on a journey that is filled with all the first withouts and the memories that can be all too painful right now that include this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year to endure.

Although clinical professionals now recognize that the grief journey for the physical loss of a beloved companion is the same as for a human family member or friend, unfortunately our society in general, and sometimes the people who are closest to us geographically and physically, do not. This is one of the many reasons why this wonderful forum is here as a safe place where we can come to share our deepest sorrow without fear of judgment or recrimination with those who truly do understand what we are going through.

Each of us who are now traveling, or have had previous grief experiences, perfectly understand how you are feeling when you ask: "Is there anything that helps with this, aside from time?" Unfortunately, there are no fast forward or delete buttons we can press to speed up the grief journey or make it automatically disappear. Some people think that if they suppress their grief that it will make the deep sorrow easier to handle. Clinical studies prove this is not healthy. Grieving puts the physical body under a great deal of stress, and it is important to find healthy ways to release the stress. Contrary to what society teaches about not showing one's emotions, crying is very healthy as the tears literally cleanse the body of the toxins that build up from the stress of grieving - - even if you must find a private time and place to openly grieve. The most important thing for you to do is to try to keep the stress levels limited as much as possible during your deep grief and to try to find healthy ways to release your sorrow for the health of your body.

Although this grief journey is one of adjusting to the physical absence of your beloved Percy, there is one thing that will never change: the love bond you and your beloved Percy share. Love is eternal, Ritch - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Percy's sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey as he always has and always will - - for he is always and forever a part of your heart and memories, Ritch - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know all too well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Percy with us, Ritch. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing a picture of him with us - - but only when / if you want to. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

SummerHolly, thank you for this. Percy was deeply loved, and he knew it. He came to me when he was in pain. My other cats are still here, and they are fine creatures, but I don't have the bond with them that I did with Percy. One of them is dying as well, but slowly. I don't expect it to hurt nearly as much. I have had five other cats die over the past three years, three of them mine and two of them neighborhood cats that I tended to sometimes, and none of them affected me this badly. It has been over ten weeks now, and I am still breaking down at least once a day.

In case you or anyone else are curious, I tried Ambien and Rozerem (at different times) to try to get back to a regular sleep pattern again -- both of them were terrible. With Ambien I ended up more fatigued than when I went to sleep, and with Rozerem I had vivid and unpleasant dreams. I have had only four nights of regular sleep since Percy died, and only one of them left me feeling refreshed in the morning. I never had insomnia before this; it's a horrible thing to go through. I can't wait for it to end.

Yes I understand about the special bond. I love all my animals and will grieve for them all one day but the bond I had with my Holly was so special that it is extra hard to lose it. It is almost impossible to think it has gone. So well I know how you. must be missing your special Percy. It is very exhausting.

One of my very young dogs is starting become really bonded with me and that has helped me although I ache for that long familiar relationship I had with my Holly she also came to me when she was in pain trusting that I would make it better. It racks me with guilt and pain that in the end I could not do this for her unless I let her go. It was devastating to not be able to fix it like I had in the past.

I miss her everyday.

So sorry for your loss of your special boy.

Hi, Ritch, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling and experiencing is very normal deep grief when you share with us: "It has been over ten weeks now, and I am still breaking down at least once a day. I have had only four nights of regular sleep since Percy died, and only one of them left me feeling refreshed in the morning. I never had insomnia before this; it's a horrible thing to go through. I can't wait for it to end."

Some people think that if they suppress their deep grief that it will help to make their sorrow less painful. Clinical professionals now recognize that suppressed grief is very unhealthy for it does not allow the body to release the effects of stress that accompanies the grieving process. Scientific studies prove that the tears we cry are literally healing tears for they literally cleanse our bodies from the toxins that build up from the stress of grieving. It is important for your health, Ritch, that you find the opportunities you need to openly grieve for your beloved Percy, even if you must find a private place away from other people to do so.

There are other physical effects we experience due to the stress of grieving and insomnia can be one of them. Although medications can be temporarily helpful for some people, for others they can actually aggravate the problem - - and cause other unpleasant side effects. One of the culprits for insomnia is the added adrenalin our bodies produce during the deep grief to keep us functioning. It's a normal "survival mechanism" to our body's reaction to the stress of grieving. Eventually when the body recognizes the stress is easing, the adrenalin push stops and we experience a "crash" - - which usually results in our ability to sleep once again. There may be a period of feeling "washed out" energy wise, but this too will eventually pass. For these, and many other reasons, it is important to keep the stress levels as low as possible during the deep grief, and to allow our bodies the opportunities to cope with the effects of the grief adjustment journey.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Ritch, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Percy's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Ritch, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Here is a picture of Percy -- he was a beautiful cat, but it was his personality that made him special. He was not even 11 years old. I thought he would be here for at least two or three more years, and maybe more than that. I am so sad.

What a gorgeous cat. Yeah we all want more time but there was a lot of love there Rich which is all Percy wanted. I understand your sadness at his loss, but what joy you brought each other.

So sorry for your loss. He really was a beautiful cat. I love the pairing of green eyes with the orange, my cat Smedley was the same.

For me it's only been a few days, so I honestly don't know what helps...the only thing that has made me feel a bit better is looking through pictures and videos, and thinking of ways to memorialize him. Have you attended a support group?

I looked for support groups, but the one that is local to me closed down a few months ago. There is another one farther away, so I might go to that one, but I have been so demoralized I haven't been able to make the effort up to now. I am not sure what to expect from it, either; it's not something I would normally do, obviously. The pain is so debilitating that I am willing to try it, but it also makes it hard for me to get my act together and go.

Hi, Ritch, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and this wonderful picture of your beloved Percy. Please permit me to try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief when you share with us: "The pain is so debilitating that I am willing to try it, but it also makes it hard for me to get my act together and go." Clincial professionals recognize that this grief journey is both physically and emotionally debilitating with symptoms that can include insomnia, lack of energy, inability to concentrate, lack of control of emotions, lack of appetite, feelings of detachment, etc.. When we are grieving our bodies are experiencing extreme stress levels, and this is one of the reasons why it is important to keep the stress levels as low as possible and to not make any life changing decisions until the stress levels subside unless they are for protection / survival purposes.

Many grief support groups operate on a "cycle" of availability - - for example, some groups run for 6 months and then take a break for several weeks before the next support group is offered. Support groups can be helpful, and if you decide to travel to the one that is several miles from your home I hope you will find encouragement and support among the participants. Please know we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us - - there are no time limits or "expiration dates" here.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Ritch, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Percy's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

I went to a support group last night, and I can't say it was a good experience. The person running the group was a professional with many years of experience who got everyone to tell their stories of grief and loss. As people described their sad losses, she made insightful comments about how much people were suffering, and how it could cause serious problems in their lives, but otherwise didn't offer much. Once that was done, she said it was time to wrap up, and handed out brochures for her services, saying that people attending the support group could get a discount. As we were leaving, she told me she had things she could say to me (that she didn't actually say), and that she was there if I needed someone to talk to (for a fee, obviously). It seemed like she was trying to drum up clients for her business. In that kind of setting, you don't even get the benefit of a trial session with a therapist, because it is so shallow.

I don't think any of the people there were really helped by the group, except for seeing that other people are suffering the same way. People made themselves vulnerable, and then were handed a brochure. I had not considered that a professional would use a group like this as a marketing effort, but that is what it ended up feeling like; I suppose I was naive. Based on this, I recommend AGAINST attending a support group unless you have some information about it beforehand to indicate that actual counseling is offered, or unless you are prepared to find that it is a marketing effort. I was badly disappointed.

That is really unfortunate and irritating. I'm sorry that happened.
In my city, the support groups I found are hosted through the local humane society, and a volunteer through the humane society leads them. I haven't attended one so not sure how they would compare. I never considered that someone would jump on an opportunity like that to basically market themselves. >:( At least we have this forum.

I am following up in case anyone else is having problems with grief-related insomnia. I have had insomnia for three months, ever since Percy died. I have been sleeping three to five hours a night at best, and a few nights with no sleep at all. I had bad experiences with Ambien and Rozerem -- I still slept just five hours, and I felt terrible the next day. The only thing that has helped even a little is taking a triple dose of phosphatidylserine just before bedtime -- 600 mg. Apparently it is known to suppress cortisol production, and that is one of the main chemicals involved in stress. It extends my sleep to six hours. Seven to eight is normal for me, so it's not perfect, but one extra hour makes a big difference.

Ten days or so before he died, I fell asleep with Percy in my lap without even knowing it; I felt so peaceful. I badly miss my kitty.

Hi, Ritch, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I am also very sorry the support group meeting you attended turned out to be a "marketing" session. Indeed, when a person seeks counseling / support group interaction they are already emotionally vulnerable, and are not always able to make the distinction ahead of time as to what constitutes good quality support either from an individual counselor or in a group setting. The only way to do this is to actually go. Several years ago I was in a situation where I needed professional counseling to help me through a very serious crisis. My initial exposure to a counselor was useless, and actually contributed to the crisis I was already dealing with. Eventually, a friend of mine helped me find a compassionate competent counselor who helped me sift through the wreckage of my life so that I could begin the process of rebuilding it. So I have known both the "bad" and the "good" that the counseling field has to offer. It does take some great effort to find the "good". Please know we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Sleep deprivation can add to the stress of grieving, and I'm glad you have found something that is offering you the opportunity to restore your sleep patterns. I hope getting some good sleep will help you to begin to feel stronger as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Ritch, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Percy's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

It is snowing hard here right now, and I just finished shoveling the sidewalk. Whenever I finished doing that, I used to go to the back porch and pick up Percy and bring him in for some quality time. It seems that there is some kind of a trigger for these feelings every single day. My wife says I am retraumatizing myself by looking at pictures of him, so I am avoiding that for a few days, but it doesn't seem to be helping...

The last few days of good weather have been particularly hard because Percy loved to bask outside in the sun at this time of year, and when I go outside and he's not there I feel the loss all over again. It's starting to look like I will have to go through a whole year without him before I get past the fallout. My sleep patterns are still disrupted after over four months -- some nights I get almost a full night's sleep; other nights I lie awake for hours. As far as I can tell nobody knows a way around this. It is really wearing me down.

Hi, Ritch, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Indeed, this grief journey is one of the most difficult experiences we will know on this side of eternity. Grieving literally turns our world upside down and inside out from the routines of what we are "used to" while our beloved companions are physically with us. When they precede us to the angels, we literally experience a physical withdrawal from them that is both physically and emotionally painful as our relationship with them is transformed to a "different" level.

Ritch, only YOU can determine if looking at your beloved Percy's pictures is helpful or hurtful during your grief journey - - no one else can "tell" you how to grieve - - or how long to grieve. It is obvious that your beloved Percy was an integral and important part of your life - - his physical absence will not change that. Clinical professionals recognize that grieving the physical loss of a beloved companion is identical to grieving the loss of a human family member or friend. Sadly, our society in general - - and sometimes the people who are closest to us emotionally and geographically - - do not. This is one of the many reasons why this wonderful forum is here as a safe place where we can come to share our sorrows and memories with others who truly do understand what we are going through without the fear of rejection or judgment. Please know we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Ritch, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Percy's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi, Rich

I am so sorry about Percy. I hope you are getting better. I agree totally with moon_beam, your journey is YOUR journey. If you need to cry, you just simply have to cry. It does not matter if your Percy passed away two days ago, two months ago, or two years ago.

I just lost my cat, Tama, on March 31. She was with me for 10 years, and after one year of kidney problem, she was taken away from me. I did not even get to say good-bye (she passed away at the vet early in the morning). Everyday, I see her pictures on my night stand and I cry (actually this morning was the first morning that I did not cry when I said good morning to her pictures - but I am crying now as I write this).

I, too, haven't slept much since my Tama's passing, and I feel mentally and physically drained.

Please hang in there - I am so grateful to have found this site. We are all here for you.

Lots of love to you and Percy

Hisae Y

Thank you -- I still think about him every day, but I am only crying a few times a week now. There are certain moments that hit me hard, when I look for him and he's not there, or when I remember something he did, or even just when the weather is good and I think about how much he would have enjoyed it. The back yard feels empty without him.

Thank you for your kind wishes.