This past weekend has been nothing but hell for me. On saturday nite i realized something was wong with my cat. I didnt really think it was anything serious but it did worry me. I kept hearing these howling sounds, it didnt really sound like a hurt meow at the time. it was different, and i didnt realize it was my cat until i heard it numerous times.
obviously i knew he was hurt. I didnt even wanna touch him cause i was afraid he would attack me or something. but i didnt wanna bother him. I just figured it would pass thinking maybe my other cat did something as he can be aggressive when he wants to play , so i just kept a close eye on him.
When sunday came and i realized he was still hurting i just didnt know what it was. i noticed he hadnt been eating, and he was trying to drink water but seemed to only be able to take in a few laps. The night before i brought him to bed with me, and he puked all over my blankets. That was another worrysome issue. after noticing he wasnt eating / drinking anything i got worried. But still i figured maybe he just wasnt feeling well and he will jump out of it eventually.
Sunday i went to bed worried, and i woke up worried as well. The first thing i did was look around the house for my beloved cat, and i couldnt find him anywhere. finally i opened my sons playroom door and there he was. "hi taz baby" is how greeted him ..he seemed out of it and then i seen him walk....and thats when my heart broke. I noticed that he was trying desperately to walk the right way. but he couldnt. His strides were all off key, almost like he was really dizzy. he walked about 1 and a half feet and then plopped himself lifelessly on the floor. my first words were "oh my god". I couldt believe he was that sick.
Thats when i got on the phone and called the vet, and they told me to bring him in. I got dressed and i was off. I was so worried about him at that point i didnt know what to do.i didnt have the cat carrier so i put him in an open top box with handles. Normally he wouldve never had it. But he was so helpless he just layed down inside.
When the vet finally seen him i told her his problems and she put him on the floor to see him walk. She told me what the issue was and at that point all i wanted to do was do whatever it is to save his life. She told me he had a urinary blockage, which can happen in male cats. I started crying and then she told me that they couldnt help him there cause he needed somewhere where they could provide 24 hr care. She said who would be able to help me and then she continued to say..."unfortunately the surgery is about 2000 dollars and to get it done u have to put at least half up front." i lost it at that point. i was bawling i knew i didnt have that to front, and i was in need of a solution. she then continued to tell me that this type of surgery is rough on cats sometimes they dont make it through, and she said "not to be optimistic or anything but if you did put him through surgery i dont think he would make it, cause neurologically he is so bad"
at that point i just wanted to cry, and i did. i didnt know what to do. I wanted to know why something like that would happen, and i wanted to save him. i knew he was bad, and i knew he was on the brink of death. i cried and cried, i left there went to my moms house and cried somemore. i realized at that point i couldnt do much else for him. So i did what i hope was fair and went back to the vet and had him put to sleep. I couldnt stand seeing him so sick to the point where he couldnt walk. He had like no balance. i put him on the chair at the vet and he fell off . i couldnt take seeing him in distress, i just didnt know how to deal. as i went back i kissed him and hugged him and told him it was okay and that i loved him. and then i left him with those precious people and cried my way home. i couldnt stay, that moment would be with me forever. those moments that i told you will repeat itself in my head for the rest of my life.
i knew when i left my house that he was really sick. But i thought i would be bringing him home with me. now 3 days later i still cry. i question whether i did the right thing, or if i couldve saved him. i dont know how to deal with this. I feel guilty and awful. i hope that he can see me, i hope he is with me. That was the hardest things i ever had to do. I dont think ive ever cried that hard in my life. I try to tell people about why im so sad but some just dont get it and others are very sympathetic.
Im mad as well. i wanted my cat to be here with me for a while longer. He was only 12 years old. I wonder at this point if i will ever get over this. i told myself today i dont think i will ever "get over" it but im sure i will move on from it, maybe my taz can give me some strength if anything from this.
My house feels empty. my other cat is wondering where he is. I cant stand to look at the food dish or the cat box, or see the underneath of the sofa( cause he used to sleep there) i miss him like crazy. im glad that i just found someplace where i can write and get all this off my chest.
I Cant believe hes gone. it just doesnt feel real. i kiss his picture every nite and i gought some religious candles that are lit everynite in his memory.
I will miss him, i will miss his meows, his rubbing on my leg, the way he purrs. everything and as i sit here in tears i wonder if this will ever pass...god bless and thanks for listening.
Kelly
Boston, MA

I'm so sorry that this happened to you Kelly.

It's so heartwrenching when you have to look at money issues in the middle of such incredible stress. When my Luba died, I was given financial support from four different sources, I could not have paid for her treatment on my own. Tragically, she passed away despite all medical interventions.

From the sounds of what your vet said, it did not sound like your Taz would have had much of a chance of surviving the surgery. Let alone how his qualitiy of life would have been. He would have just suffered a lot.

I'm so sorry for your loss - Steph

Hi Kelly,

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. Your story is very sad but it's also wonderul to know what a loving relationship you had with your little buddy, Taz. The two of you were truly blessed to have had each other. Please know I fully understand what you're going through. I'm sorry to say that the grieving process is a long hard road but it's something we all must deal with.

You'll find the comfort and support you need here. We're all in this together and we help each other as best we can. Please continue to come here and talk as much as you need to.

Take care,
__Jim

Hi Kelly,
I am so sorry you lost your little Taz and all the pain you are feeling. I took my son's Chili Bean a little 10 year old Chihuahua to the vet thinking it was something easily fixed and found she had cancer that hit a nerve and was suffacating her. The vet she he could not fix her. Like you, it just feels so unreal and sometimes even if we have money they can not be helped. You did all you could and yet we all have doubts but I know you did the kindest thing and showed how much you loved him. The people on this board are wonderful and they offer so much support and wisdom.
Ann

Hi Kelly,

I'm so very sorry about Taz. Please TRY not to feel guilty about anything (I know, easier said than done). What counts is your love for Taz---and he knew and knows how much you loved him. I believe, with no doubts, that that love transcends the death of his physical body. Taz knows only bliss---no emotional or physical pain, just bliss. He is near you now, and some day, when it is time for your soul to leave your body, you guys will be fully reunited. Until then, Taz wants you to be ok. Remember that if the roles had been reversed, you would want HIM to be ok.

We'll help you through this, one day at a time!

Thinking of you and sending prayers,

Kathy

Hi Kelly,

I am so sorry about Taz but, from reading your post of what had happened, I promise you, you did the right thing. Please do not put yourself through the awful guilt of wondering about that on top of your grief.

I know the pain is overwhelming. That's enough for you to have to deal with, without feeling guilty. You did everything you could for Taz, even to the point of NOT letting him suffer.

Love,

Jan

Hi Kelly,
Just wanted to say you did do the right thing. Once neurologically they are affected, there's not much you can do. I spent $4700 on testing, procedures, and surgery. Money I had to put on credit. Unforturnately, I still had to put Bronte to sleep. Neurologically she was not going to recover. I feel guilt that I put her through the surgery, when I could have eased her suffering and been able to connect with her emotionally during her euthanasia. By the time I was forced to make the decision, she wasn't my little baby anymore. She could only blink her eyes, and that was just a basic natural response. Older cats are hard to treat, and their outcome is not that great. Bronte was 12 too. If Taz had been 5 years old, his prognosis would have been much better. This pain will eventually get easier. I come here to cry my eyes out and sympahtize with others who are also suffering. Your story is heart wrenching, but all too familiar.. I wish you peace in every aspect of your life. Big hugs April

Thank you so much for the out pouring support from everyone hear. i welcome it with open arms. after i posted that a few days later the vet sent me a nice card. With the rainbow bridge poem inside. It made me cry more. i cant read that poem it makes me sad.
i think what gets me the most about this situation was that it was sooo unexpected. i thought he would be around for a while longer. the image of him trying to synchronize his walking will always haunt me. That broke my heart in two.
i keep looking at his photo, he was adorable.
i will post his photo, day by day it gets a little bit better. my heart still drops when i think of him and what happened. But i pray that he is still strolling around me, i just cant see if he is or not.
Whats also weird is that my other cat, actually seems to be doing ok. They were really close. They played together and rolled around with eact other and everything. Its almost like he isnt gone to him, which makes me think even more that hes still in the house

Once again i thank all of you soooooo very much. Its great to come to a group where people are so comforting. It makes me smile and i just wanna say Thanks.