My husband and I made the difficult decision to have our girl put to sleep due to worsening fear aggression. We are struggling terribly with grief and guilt. She was a happy, physically healthy 13 year old dog and we feel like we betrayed her trust. We were the ones who were supposed to protect her.

We brought Sadie home from the local shelter on September 29, 2002. We believed her to be about a year old at that time. She was a bit rambunctious and not housebroken when we adopted her, but we loved her deeply from day one. She had a good temperament, and was great with the neighborhood kids and other dogs. We socialized her and took her for training. Sadie learned well, and was always the life of the party at the dog park. She was terribly spoiled, and we lavished her with our love and attention. All was well with our little family (Sadie was an only "child") until 2005. Sadie was stricken with a series of auto-immune reactions (AIHA and ITP) throughout the next few years which required high doses of prednisone to save her life. Over time, a connection was finally made back to the Parvo vaccination. Once we stopped this vaccination, Sadie did not experience any additional auto-immune episodes. Unfortunately, it appears the damage from the steroid treatments had already been done. Sadie's disposition began to change. She became fearful around other dogs, and a bad bite she received at the dog park during that time sealed the deal. She started to exhibit fear aggression around other dogs. No more dog park, and we needed to be vigilant when walking her. Despite our best efforts, she did manage to injure 2 dogs, thankfully the wounds were not severe in either case. Sadie also developed a fear of various noises, thunder, fireworks and some electronic sounds. These caused her severe anxiety, and it was difficult to comfort her. We strongly believed these behaviors were initially caused by the steroids, and then became deeply ingrained.

My husband and I seemed to be managing Sadie's issues reasonably well until about a year and half ago. I had been preparing for a business trip one Sunday afternoon. I was scheduled to leave the next day, and knew I would miss my girl while I was gone. I went over to Sadie's pillow and got down on the floor with her to give her some hugs and kisses, something I had done so many times before. Without any warning, she lunged and nipped me just below the eye. I was stunned, as she had never done anything like that before. I was upset, but decided to consider it an isolated incident. I had a black eye, but the skin tear was very minor. This past February, I was not so lucky. We had a battery issue with one of our smoke detectors. The electronic beeping sound it made sent Sadie into a fit of anxiety. She was running around trying to climb into cabinets and such to hide. My husband changed the battery, and Sadie settled down on her pillow. I walked over to see how she was doing, and when I leaned over to pet her, she lunged at me and bit my cheek. This time I needed stitches, and I looked like I had been in a bar fight for a couple of weeks. My husband and I were very concerned, and scheduled a visit with the vet. She ran some tests, which did not show any abnormalities. She indicated that perhaps Sadie was having some issues with her vision as she was now a "senior" dog, and had some visible cataracts. We decided to try some anti-anxiety medication (Prozac) at that time. Unfortunately, it only made her more anxious so we stopped it. The vet then prescribed Xanax to be given at times when we expected Sadie to be anxious (an impending thunderstorm for example). While we were not comfortable with the situation, we could not bring ourselves to consider the unthinkable. We decided to manage the situation by being extra cautious around Sadie, particularly when she was exhibiting any signs of anxiety. We settled back into our routine, with some modifications, and hoped for the best.

This past August 11, we were all on the sofa watching TV before going to bed. Sadie was sleeping peacefully. I inadvertently let my guard down, and leaned down to kiss her. She instantly grabbed my lips and bit down hard. When she let go it seemed she had no idea what had just happened. I ended up in the ER with a plastic surgeon sewing up my lips and the area above them. My husband and I were both devastated. We knew in our hearts that we could no longer "manage" Sadie's behavior. What if she had bitten someone else? One of our nieces or even a stranger? We could not imagine having to live with that. The next five weeks were both happy and terribly sad. We did our best to fulfill Sadie's bucket list. We took her to all of her favorite places and gave her all kinds of toys and treats. She enjoyed all of this special time, and obviously had no idea what was coming.

A week ago today, we called Sadie to go for a ride in the car. She was so happy, likely thinking she was going on another adventure. Our vet did her best to console us, and assure us we were doing the right thing. We felt awful for her too. She saved Sadie's life multiple times, and now was being asked to end it. We are unbearably sad and guilt ridden. We continue to wonder if we had waited perhaps another solution would have presented itself. Her life was completely intertwined with ours. Everywhere we turn there is a reminder of our beautiful girl, and ours hearts break again. We tried to find a pet loss therapy group, but there does not seem to be any currently meeting in our area. I found this site, and hoped that sharing our story would bring some comfort.

My apologies for being so long winded. It's hard to condense 12 years into a few paragraphs. Thanks for reading and for anyone else suffering through the loss of their beloved pet, whatever the circumstances, I am so very sorry. I know just how very hard it is.

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Hi Joy -

I'm so sorry to read about your loss and I know how hard it is to have to deal with making that kind of a decision. I also had a dog who was aggressive to me (my dog Sam gave me 20 stitches in my face about 10 years ago). There are no easy solutions in a situation like that. It is truly one of the most heartbreaking situations a person who loves and lives with a companion animal can find themselves in. It is inevitable that you will second guess yourself now that you have put Sadie to sleep but if the situation was escalating, as it sounds like it may have been, then it seems like you may have made the best choice all the way around. It doesn't make it any easier and I hope you will find the support you deserve and need on the pet loss forums and other support groups you look to. What you have just gone through is so painful and such a difficult decision to make. I don't know what else to say except I am truly sorry. Sadie is a beautiful dog and I hope eventually you are able to remember the happier times you had with her. For now just try to be kind to yourselves and take it one day at at time. As intense as the grief is in the beginning, it does get a little easier after a while.

Valerie

Thank you so much for your kind words Valerie, they do help. As you said, one day at a time for now.

You're welcome. I was thinking more about your situation this morning and I think what makes it so hard is that it is so unclear. The times I've had to decide to euthanize my dogs (I've had a number of dogs over the years) who were very sick, there always comes a point where it becomes obvious that the time has come; there is no doubt that it is the right, pretty much the only thing to do. In a case where a dog is physically healthy but there are other reasons why it might be necessary to consider that option, it is much less clear and so easy to wonder whether you made the right decision. As you yourself said, you wonder if you had waited, if another solution might have presented itself. It's the absence of certainty that can drive you crazy and which makes it that much more difficult. I just wanted to write again to let you know you're definitely not alone and there are others out there like myself who know how you feel. Take care.

Valerie

You are so right. If Sadie had been physically ill it would still have been horrible, but knowing that we killed our healthy baby is almost too much to bear. I keep crying out to her and telling her how very sorry I am. Thank you again Valerie for reaching out and for you kindness.

Hi, Joy, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Sadie. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Joy, I can relate to the very difficult decision you and your husband had to make regarding your beloved Sadie's aggressive behaviors. Aggression behavior is one of the top 10 reasons why companions are euthanized. Several years ago I was faced with a similar situation with my number one kitty son Eli. I rescued him as an abandoned kitten who had set up homesteading in the drainage pipe at the street end of my driveway. He was a sweet boy who bonded quickly to his big adopted doggie brother Oslo (a Black Lab). However, by the time he was 6 months old he had begun to exhibit aggressive behaviors. The vet and I thought the neutering surgery would resolve the problem. Actually, his aggression escalated and became so unpredictable and dangerous to both me and Oslo. I talked several times to the vet who "encouraged" me to do "behavior modification" with Eli - - which did not make any impression on Eli, and his behaviors continued to become more dangerously aggressive. Finally, when Eli was approaching his first birthday I had a very serious one-on-one with the vet and told her that I was facing two options: the first was to adopt Eli to a farmer for him to be a barn cat, and the other was to euthanize him because he could not be adopted through a shelter because of his severe aggressive behaviors. The vet finally got the picture, and began him on a regimen of Valium. For Eli, the Valium saved his life again. Sadly, my Eli developed end stage Lymphoma at 6 years of age, and after a valiant attempt at chemotherapy to try to make his final weeks more comfortable I needed to make the decision to ease his journey home to the angels.

Although the Valium worked for my Eli for the most part, he still had "episodes" of aggressive behaviors, and the Valium needed to be adjusted accordingly to accommodate what was going on with his brain chemistry.

It is obvious that you and your husband did everything in your human, and humane, power to give your beloved Sadie a happy, healthy earthly journey. When it is obvious that there is nothing left in the arsenal of veterinary medicine to help our companions have a good quality of life - - whatever the circumstances are - - the only thing we can do is gently and compassionately end their suffering. And aggressive behaviors are suffering for our companions. I truly hope and pray that you and your husband will find comfort and peace in your hearts that you did the very best for your beloved Sadie. Your beloved Sadie transitioned home to the angels with you and your husband by her side reassuring her that you love her. Love is eternal, Joy - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Sadie's sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey as she always has and always will for she is always and forever a part of your heart and memories - - she is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know all to well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. Still, I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you and your husband travel your grief adjustment journeys.

Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Sadie with us, Joy, and for sharing this wonderful picture of your beloved girl. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Joy
I was so sorry to hear about your situation with Sadie. I couldn't imagine how difficult your decision must have been. I would feel the same. I just hope with time you can start to feel better and not agonize about it.
I truly understand your pain and just want you to know that someone is thinking about you. My husband and I are still struggling with the sudden loss of our beloved dog of 11 years a week ago also.
Just starting to feel somewhat better, tho not totally there yet.
It will get better, God bless

moon_beam,

I so appreciate you taking the time to provide such a caring and heartfelt response. It does help to know that others understand our grief and our guilt. We had a similar experience with Sadie as you had with Eli. Behavior modification was not successful even with the dog aggression issue. It seemed that she went into a kind of fugue when she was anxious, and it wasn't possible to redirect her. Unfortunately in Sadie's case, the drugs we tried either made her more anxious or caused extreme drowsiness (to the point where she could barely function). We just didn't know what else to do. Our wonderful and caring vet was out of suggestions. She said sometimes there is just nothing more you can do with a dangerous dog. So incredibly heartbreaking.

I am so sorry for your loss of your beloved Eli. I know he was well loved.

Hugs,
Joy

caponemom,

Thanks so much for your kind words. I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved Capone. You and your husband are in my thoughts. As you said, it will get better. We need to allow time to help heal our wounds.

Hugs,
Joy

Hi, Joy, thank you so much for sharing with us how you and your husband are doing. I'm so very glad your veterinary care provider offered you comfort and reassurance during the final moments with your beloved Sadie. It is difficult enough to cope with the decision of releasing our beloved companions from their frail, painful physical body because of end stage illness or critical injuries. But when their physical body is healthy but their mental health is uncontrollable - - for whatever reason - - it is hard to reconcile the reality that their earthly journey cannot continue. There have been other participants here through the years that have experienced a similar situation, so please know you and your husband are among friends here who truly do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Joy, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Sadie's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Joy, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam