On Sunday night my son's gorgeous Maine Coon Tank was hit by a car. He managed to drag himself back home and call out to us that he was hurt. I don't know how he did this, as the vet said he had catastrophic injuries. My son, who is 12, came with me and Tank to the vet, who immediately told us that he had been hit by a car. He called us again about two hours later to say Tank had died.
My son has had Tank from when he was a tiny kitten - 8 years ago. He was the runt of the litter, a tiny ginger fluff ball who grew up into a characterful gentleman. He was handsome, playful, funny, hugely vocal, a big presence in the family. Our son is devastated. I am devastated. I can't think of anything to say to make things better. We also have another cat who is now looking for Tank and will, I am sure, be grieving too.
It all makes me wonder why I have pets. Every time we lose one I feel as if my guts have been ripped out and now my son is going through the same pain.
Does anyone have any words of comfort I could pass on to my son please?

Many thanks everyone.
I am trying to post a photo of Tank as a kitten, not sure I have done it correctly though.


Click to view attachment

Hi, MylorMum, please permit me to offer you and your son my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Tank. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Losing a companion tragically intensifies the grief.

First, in an attempt to answer your question "Does anyone have any words of comfort I could pass on to my son please?" - - clinicial professionals recognize that children grieve differently from adults. There are many books and resources that you can get that may help your son, and you, through your grief adjustment journeys. There is a link to several books on the home page to this forum which you may want to check out. If you cannot purchase the book(s), perhaps your local library may have the books / resources you are interested in.

And now I would like to try to offer you some words of comfort of my own. This grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time, in your own way and in your own time for you are now on a journey that is filled with all the first withouts and the memories that can be all too painful right now that include this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year to endure. This journey is not a straight line from "A" to "Z" but rather a journey this is filled with many twists and turns, ups and downs, and turnarounds - - it is a journey that is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride.

It is important that you and your son allow yourselves to openly grieve for your beloved Tank. Scientific studies prove that the tears we cry are literally healing tears for they literally cleanse our bodies from the toxins that build up in our bodies from the stress of grieving. Some people think that if they suppress their grief it will make their sorrow less painful. Clinicial professionals recognize that suppressing grief is in reality not healthy but can lead to health situations later on that may need to be addressed with medical intervention. So it is important that you and your son allow yourselves the opportunities you need to grieve for your beloved Tank - - even if you must do so in privacy away from other people.

As painful as your deep sorrow is as you and your son adjust to the physical absence of your beloved Tank there is one thing that will never change -- the love bond you and your son share with your beloved Tank. Love is eternal, MylorMum - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Tank's sweet Living Spirit continues to share your and your son's earthly journeys as he always has and always will - - for he is always and forever a part of your hearts and memories - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know all too well from first hand experience - - both when I was a child and now through my adult years - - that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. Still, I hope the words I share with you will offer you and your son some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journeys.

Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Tank with us, MylorMum, and this wonderful picture of your precious boy in his kitten years. He is sooo adorable!! Please know you and your son, and your precious companion, are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how each of you are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Moon Beam,

Thank you for your beautiful and thoughtful reply, I really appreciate it. I have used forums like this one before when I have lost a companion and found them incredibly helpful.
For my son this is an extra painful experience because Tank was his own specific pet, a friend he had watched grow, and with whom he had shared so many moments of fun, laughter and love.
Tank gave the best cuddles and I shall miss him so much. He was the most generous, loving friend. My therapy, my handsome, loving boy.

Thank you for the tip about the books too. At the moment we are just doing lots of cuddling together, but my son finds it hard to even mention Tank or look at the places where he used to sleep.

Thanks again,

Jane

I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss. Its the hardest thing, grieving for our pets. They bring so much joy into our lives and when they are gone the void is devastating. In trying to help your son navigate through the grief process it may be helpful to let him know that Tank will always be around. That all he has to do is look up to the sky and Tank will be there. I remember finding that comforting when I was a child dealing with grief.

I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

Dear Scarlett's Mum & Dad,

Thank you for your kind words, they mean a lot. I have just sent my poor son off to school again after two days away coping with the trauma. I hope his teachers are understanding. So many people are not…..they feel you should be over the death of a pet within 24 hours. My son is like me, he feels incredibly deeply for animals. I know it's a wonderful thing but when they go……its the other side of the coin. The deepest grief.

Thanks again,

Jane

Hi, Jane, thank you so much for sharing with us how you and your son are doing. Indeed, although clinical professionals now recognize that the grief journey for the physical loss of a companion is the same as for a human family member or friend, sadly our society in general, and sometimes the people who are closest to us geographically and emotionally, do not. I am keeping your son in my thoughts and prayers that his teachers and school mates will offer him comfort and understanding.

Please let me try to reassure you and your son that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief - - very painful both emotionally and physically, yes - - still very normal. Clinical professionals recognize that the physical loss of a beloved companion is usually a child's first experience of loss, and will help to form the child's ability to cope with any type of loss in the future. Your son is very fortunate to have your comforting love, support, and understanding. I hope in time your son will find peace and comfort in his heart remembering his beloved Tank.

I hope today is treating you and your son, and your precious companion, kindly, and that you and your son will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Tank's sweet Living Spirit to comfort both of you. Please know you and your son are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you both are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Jane -

Thank you for your nice words about Henry. I'm so, so sorry about Tank. I can't imagine how sad you and your son must be. Tank's picture is SO CUTE. He looks fun and sweet (and I always have extra love for an orange cat!).

I think if you have a close realtionship with the pet, the grief/sadness takes a long time to deal with. Me, 3 months, still crying! My sister just told me she still cries about 2 times a month for her cat Samantha, who died about 4 years ago. My husband does not really get it either. I'm lucky that I have a kind of solitary job, so I can cry in my office at work and no one really notices.

I don't even remember the first week - I think I was just a zombie. After the first week it helped for me to try and think of ways to memorialize Henry, even though I have not decided on one yet. I looked at urns, sites where you can have portraits made, cremation jewlery, stones, etc. I read some grief books. I made a "picture collage" on the Walgreens photo site this weekend with my stepdaughter, and even though we can't actually look at it without crying yet, it was consoling to make. It reminded me of happy times and not the last horrifying painful 1/2 hour, when I knew something was wrong but did not know what to do. I don't know how old your son is, but he might like to do that too.

To give him some credit, my husband did say something to the effect that Henry would be honored that I loved him so much that his loss brought such grief, but would be very distrsssed that I was unhappy or in pain. I think that is true - when I was said or had a bad day, he was always 'concerned' in his cat way and would try to cheer me up. So, I think about that and try not to be so sad. Probably Tank would feel the same.

I hope you and your son feel better soon.

Thank you both for your lovely messages, they really help.
My son felt really well supported by his friends at school yesterday, although the school attendance officer called me to say that the death of a pet is not a good enough reason to be away from school. I feel if I had forced him to go in, it would have been awful for him but again my husband believes in distracting yourself and is still annoyed with me for keeping him off.
BabyHenry - I think your husband's comment is lovely, very insightful. I know my husband is grieving deeply but he is able to pin on a public face of normality, which I can't do. Maybe we as a society don't allow men to fall apart over something like the death of a pet - it's not acceptable to see a grown man cry over a cat? I don't know.
I am veering between numbness where I can still function like a robot - we have two foster children as well as our son to care for - and fits of crying, anger, near madness. I see Tank everywhere, I hear him. Our other cat Austin is on constant lookout for Tank, and that's heartbreaking to see.

Thanks again both of you, it means so much.

jane

Hi, Jane, thank you so much for sharing with us how you and your son are doing. I am truly sorry you received a telephone call from your son's school attendance officer informing you that your decision - - as your son's parent - - to give him a couple of days to grieve for his beloved Tank was basically inappropriate. Perhaps the attendance officer needs some "education" by reading literature on grieving. In my younger years - - many, many, many years ago - - grieving the physical loss of a beloved companion wasn't even part of social awareness for an adult - - and totally non-existent for a child. So if a child began "acting out" their grief disciplinary action was dispensed to "correct" the child's grief behavior. Thankfully, clinical professionals now recognize that the physical loss of a beloved companion is as painful as the loss of a human family member or friend for both adults AND children. NO ONE knows what your son needs better than YOU, Jane.

Please let me try to reassure you that what you are experiencing is very normal when you share with us: "I see Tank everywhere, I hear him." This is REAL - - I promise you are not losing your mind. Our beloved companions find a way to let us know their sweet Living Spirit is with us even though we can no longer physically see / touch them. We live in a physically oriented world governed by the five senses of sight, sound, taste, touch, and smell. We are programmed to believe that what can't be identified through these five senses isn't real. But this isn't true - - for love is a dimension all by itself and it transcends the physical laws of time, senses, and space. So I hope you will find comfort in the many different ways your beloved Tank finds to let you know his sweet Living Spirit is still with you.

I can also very much understand what you share with us: "Our other cat Austin is on constant lookout for Tank, and that's heartbreaking to see." When my beloved number one kitty son Eli joined the angels in December 2006 my precious Noah deeply grieved for his big adopted kitty brother - - and my heart was not only grieving my own feelings of loss but also seeing my precious Noah so deeply sad. It took him 2 years to finally stop sleeping on the quilt that he and Eli shared, and it was only after making sure that he no longer was using the quilt that I finally washed it. My precious Noah is now my sole survivor in a household that used to have four precious companions - - including Noah - - and I know there are times from the expression on my precious boy's face that he is remembering his big adopted kitty brother and his beloved beautiful sibling baby sister Abbygayle. I know from my experience with my precious Noah that comforting him also brought comfort to me as well, and I know your precious Austin will be okay having your love and comfort.

Clinical professionals recognize that the physical loss of a beloved companion is a major traumatic event, and everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time - - one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time. From first hand experience while I was working I can so understand how difficult it is to put on the "public face" to try to disguise the deep sorrow long enough to get through work, errands, etc., because not everyone acknowledges that the loss of a beloved companion is "worthy" of sorrow. It is important that you and your son find the time you each need to openly grieve for your beloved Tank - - even if you must find the time to do so privately apart from other people.

I hope today is treating you and your son, and your precious Austin kindly, and that you and your son will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Tank's sweet Living Spirit to comfort both of you. Please know you and your son and Austin are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how each of you are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Moonbeam,
You are so kind. I can't tell you how comforting your messages are. I have been making extra time for Austin each day, playing and cuddling with him. I can't imagine what is going through his mind - Tank was his big brother and had brought him up, shown him the ropes and how to behave. I feel that Austin has lost the guiding light in his life, and what an amazing guiding light he was - so gentle and loving. They would wash each other every day and often slept curled up together.
My son is doing amazingly well, and I feel that is in part because he was allowed the time off school to grieve properly. We went to the beach and he made a memorial for Tank out of stones he found there.
I am glad he is coping so well, but now he is back at school and my husband is at work, I am left with very empty days, full of….well, you know what. A mixture of numbness, anger, agonising sadness, guilt, blame, questions……….

Hi, Jane, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I'm so very glad to share your news that your son appears to be doing well in his grief adjustment journey. Several people here, including me, find doing some form of memorial for our beloved companion helps to keep the good memories close in our hearts while we adjust to their physical absence. I'm glad your son found comfort in making a memorial for his beloved Tank from the stones he found at the shore.

Indeed, even when we have othe companions in the home there is a still a deafening sound of silence from the physical absence of the companion who is now with the angels. My heart feels your, and your precious Austin's, loneliness. Even though the searing pain of sorrow will eventually ease for the both of you, and your son, I promise you that you will NEVER forget your beloved Tank no matter how much time continues with your earthly journeys.

I hope today is treating you and your son, and your precious Austin kindly, and that you and your son will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Tank's sweet Living Spirit to comfort both of you. Please know you and your son and Austin are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how each of you are doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam