This is Russ, I lost my precious baby girl Sarah 11 months ago. I have a post here already but I cannot access it now, the page freezes up when I try to add a reply. I hope it's ok that I start another post. I've wanted to say so much since the last time I was able to reply. I hope this one will work for me. I miss my Sarah so very much and I haven't been able to come to terms with everything. It's such a cold dark place I'm at. Daddy Loves You Sarah with all my heart and I'll never ever leave you.

I'm so very sorry for your loss and your continued struggles through grief.

Hi, Russ, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Indeed, this grief journey is a very difficult one to navigate - - it can feel sometimes like we are "stuck" in grief that is unending an unyielding that our daily lives can feel like "a cold dark place." Grieving is both physical and emotional, and the stress of grieving can cause symptoms of depression. It is important that you are finding healthy ways of expressing and releasing your sorrow, Russ. Your beloved Sarah does not want you "stuck" in grief but rather able to find a peace in your heart that will enable you to embrace and enjoy the many treasured memories you and your beloved Sarah share.

As for your previous topic, if you have not already done so you can contact the L S Administrator and ask him about the status of it. Sometimes with "high technology" glitches can occur in accessing topics, and he would be able to investigate this and let you know if it can be corrected. As always it is perfectly okay to start a new topic.

Russ, I hope today is treating you kindly and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Sarah's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Russ:

I know how you feel. I lost my Henry 2 months and 2 days ago. The pain of separation is REALLY hard. I had a special bond with Henry like it sounds like you did with Sarah. The only way I keep from going totally crazy with sadness is to remind myself that the only way to avoid how I feel now would be to have never met Henry at all and never had 10 years of his love and his precious friendship.

Still, it is really rough, especially at "anniversairies" like it looks like you are approaching. I'm sorry.

Also (and maybe this is weird), I am grateful that I outlived Henry. If I died, he would not have understood why I left him. I would rather suffer like I am now, than have had Henry think I deserted him or did not love him anymore. This makes me feel slightly better. I knew an older man who had a beloved cat who outlived him - the cat was really really sad for a very long time. Probably Sarah would have missed you a lot too, so at least she's been spared that.

Yes I have so much to be thankful for during the time when Sarah was here. I wish I would have been able to deal with those closing months in a more mature and thoughtful way. I don't understand myself and cannot forgive myself for not being patient at times. I just did not have the mind to be able to handle these emotions that I had dreaded facing for so long. That and reading signs incorrectly. This all leaves me with a self hatred and guilt that eats me alive. My memories are so vivid and like today those memories sent me into a panic state of extreme sorrow, guilt and a suffocating feeling of frustration. I'm a flawed person who should've controlled myself better in those dark days. I cannot change the past and I feel I have no right to forgive myself. The intense love I have for Sarah is in contrast to some of my actions. So daily I live with that hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach and knowing that I caused it.

Hi, Russ, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to offer you some words of comfort and encouragement as you continue your grief adjustment journey.

Russ, each of us have "regrets" about things said / not said, done / not done with regard to the care of our companions during their earthly journey. My number one kitty son Eli is a case in point. At 6 months of age he began to exhibit very bizzare and dangerously aggressive behaviors that I had NEVER experienced before with a companion. My vet initially told me it was behavior based but no matter how I tried to work with him his behaviors continued to become more seriously aggressive - - to the point where I had to decide to either let him become a feral barn cat on a farm - - or - - euthanize him because he could not be adopted through a shelter because of his extreme aggressive behaviors. In total desperation I had another serious heart-to-heart talk with his veterinary care provider. Thus began the medical intervention with Valium - - which literally saved his life and eventually enabled him to understand that I was not his enemy. In reading literature about this type of behavior my number one kitty son was suffering with Feline Schizophrenia and Multiple Personality Disorder - - and the Valium helped to calm the "noise" in his brain so that he could finally have a reasonably peaceful and happy home life - - without me having the fear of being aggressively attacked with serious injuries. But BEFORE he finally began the Valium treatment, my Eli and I went through some very dark times - - things I said to him out of total frustration and confusion - - and anger - - and fear - - that sometimes still haunt my heart. HOWEVER, I know my beloved Eli understands this, and knows that I love him dearly - - and he knew this during the 6 short years of our lives together during his earthly journey. In 2006 he was diagnosed with end stage Lymphoma, and it really broke my heart.

Now as I look back over our years together I know that I did everything in my power - - even during our very dark time together - - to give my Eli a happy, healthy earthly journey. I am ever so thankful for the Valium that "rescued" him a second time - - and that I was the one who was able to provide for him - - even during the dark times. Enduring the "bad" times together is equally important as enjoying the "good" times - - it's part of a history of love and forgiveness - - and I know your beloved Sarah does NOT want you feeling as you share with us: "I cannot change the past and I feel I have no right to forgive myself. So daily I live with that hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach and knowing that I caused it." Hopefully in time you will be able to find a peace in your heart so that you will come to know that your beloved Sarah knows you did the very best you could at all times and in all circumstances - - and loves you. Our companions know we are imperfect beings - - and they love us anyway.

Russ, I hope today is treating you kindly and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Sarah's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you for your story and understanding. It is an empty feeling I know to well. Almost a year later I am a very changed person. The joy in life is just a far away memory now. I'm awake all night it seems and one day turns into the next without meaning. It's so hard, my heart and spirit simply exist and I go one because I've no choice. I'm just numb. I love my baby girl and I want her so badly.

Hi Russ,

I'm so sorry for your loss of your beloved angel Sarah. I lost my baby girl 3 months ago and I still miss her terribly I know its very hard to lose our babies the way we did because they become so much like family. Please accept my most sincere sympathy positive thoughts through this difficult time you are going through. But I know that your Sarah and my princess are together right now watching over us sending hugs to you.


Kindly regards,

Mayra

Princess mommy

Today 1 year ago my Sarah went away. I miss her so very much. This past year has been by far the hardest of my 50 years. I think about her as soon as I wake each day and I feel the emptiness throughout the day and before I sleep I tell her how very much her daddy loves her and needs her. I tell her to wait on me and that one day I'll be with her again, never to be separated anymore.
Those words I tell her is my hope and trust, they let me look to the glory ahead. It's this time in between that hurts so much. I truly have never loved or been loved this much before. I'm so very grateful for this forum and the caring souls that are her. Thank you all so much.
Daddy Loves You Sarah, You Are My One And Only Baby Girl And The Love Of My Life.
Thank you dear God for Sarah and for giving to me the chance to know Love that is unblemished and pure.
I Love You Sarah With All Of My Heart Forever And Ever.

What a lovely girl. Hope you have a better day with happy memories of your girl. I posted a message on your other thread but I'm not sure you'll be able to read it if it is freezing.

Hi, Russ, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and your and your beloved Sarah's one year angel-versary. Clinical professionals recognize that the first year of grieving a loss is filled with many experiences of first withouts, but just because the calendar indicates that the first year angel-versary is "survived" does not mean that the sorrow in our hearts automatically disappears. It simply means that we have endured the first year of one of the most painful experiences of adjusting to the physical absence of a beloved companion.

Clinical professionals also recognize that the love bond we share with our companions is unique from the relationships we share with our human family members, friends, acquaintances, etc.. Our companions give to us their unconditional love and undivided attention, and we in turn surrender ourselves to them completely without fear of rejection. Unlike our human relationships, our companions do not care what our social status is, financial wealth or lack thereof, what we look and dress like, or if we live in a tent, under an expressway overpass, in a modest house, or in a mansion. They accept us for who we are. And because of they love us unconditionally, this is one of the many reasons why our grief adjustment journey is so very painful both emotionally and physically.

I know from first hand experience how you feel when you share with us: "Those words I tell her is my hope and trust, they let me look to the glory ahead. It's this time in between that hurts so much." I truly wish there were an easier way to navigate this grief adjustment journey, Russ, but unfortunately there are no fast forward or delete buttons we can press to speed up the process or make it automatically disappear. It is important that you know we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us, Russ - - you are among friends here who truly do understand what you are feeling.

Thank you so much for sharing this wonderful picture of your beloved Sarah with us, Russ. I hope today is treating you kindly and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Sarah's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Your insight into their accepting us just as we are is very unique. It took alot out of me to post Sarah's picture and I wish it was not like that.