My sweet Winnie girl lost her battle with Cancer on Saturday night at 9:30pm. Her decline was quick, it only took a week and she stopped eating and was frighteningly thin. She was only 7 1/2 years old. I am so grateful she waited for us to come home. As soon as I saw her I looked at my husband and I knew it was time. I scooped her up in my arms, sat on the floor of our bedroom and waited with her. We told her how much we loved her and that she didn't have to hold on anymore for us. We prayed that God would take her when it was time, because neither of us were sure we would have had the strength to make the decision to put her down. About 10 minutes after we prayed over her (something I have not done in years), I cupped her face and looked into her eyes one last time and that is when she left us. We held on to her as she made her transition to the other side.

It's Tuesday (so I'm told) and the pain is still so deep. I keep thinking I see her little body wiggling under our covers, and I have to stop myself every time I walk into the house and I want to call out 'Winnie Girl!". I can't bear to move her little bed from the living room, or put her basket of toys away. I have found myself talking out loud to her when I'm alone in my home. I'm sadder than I knew I could be. I wish there was a way for her, for me, to know that we did everything we could and that we didn't miss something that could have saved her. We had been at the vet 3 or 4 times that week, tried all different medications, herbs and IV treatments. My biggest wish is that she feels like we did everything we could to take care of her and save her.

I'm also 8 month pregnant and feeling guilt about the sadness I'm experiencing and the effects on my baby. We had so many pictures of what our life would look like with Winnie and our new baby girl. We talked all the time about how lucky we were to have such an amazing big sister to our baby already. Winnie adored children and we were so looking forward to Winnie being able to meet her.

The part I've been afraid to say out loud is that inside of all my grief around my pug girl Winnie, I've found it difficult to be excited about the baby the last few days. I'm so sad about Winnie, that I don't know how to move through it so I can remember the blessing I have that's arriving so soon.

Hi, erin, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Winnie. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. As painful as it is to lose a companion, your beloved Winnie was blessed to transition home to the angels in the place she loves the most - - her home surrounded by familiar sights, sounds, and smells, and in the loving arms of her Forever Mom and Dad.

Erin, please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief - - very painful both emotionally and physically - - yet still very normal. Grieving a loss can also be intensified with the many different physical and hormonal effects associated with pregnancy. So it is perfectly normal that right now you are unable to feel "happiness" in your heart about the anticipation of having your baby - - for you are also grieving for "what should have been" with your beloved Winnie sharing in the joy of your baby. Please know this is perfectly normal and only temporary.

Clinical studies show that the tears we cry are literally healing tears as they literally cleanse our bodies from the toxins that build up due to the stress of grieving. So go ahead and cry as much as you need to - - even if you must do so privately away from other people - - for it is very healthy for both you and your baby. Also, scientific studies show that every time our companions lick / kiss us, rub / touch us, they are chemically imprinting themselves onto us so that they can identify us from all the other people on this planet. When they precede us to the angels, we literally experience a withdrawal from this imprint - - which is one of the many reasons why this grief journey is painful both emotionally and physically. So once again, please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling and experiencing is a very normal part of grieving.

Some people find it helpful to remove all visual reminders of their beloved companions during the deep grief, while others (including me) find it comforting to keep things "as they are" until we are ready to make a "change" such as putting toys, blankets, feeding bowls, etc., away. It is also quite alright to call out your beloved Winnie's name, to continue to talk to her, for the sound of your voice is still sweet to her - - for love is eternal, erin - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Although your beloved Winnie is no longer physically with you, her sweet Living Spirit is always and forever a part of your heart and memories - - she is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

There is no doubt you and your husband did everything in your power to give your beloved Winnie a happy, healthy earthly journey. I hope in time you will be able to find a peace in your heart that your beloved Winnie knows that you love her, and she is forever blessed to have you for her Forever Mom.

Erin, this grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time in your own way and in your own time. It is a journey that has many different emotions that can overwhelm us all at one time - - it is a journey frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. But I promise you it will not always be this way. I promise you that one day you will find yourself thinking of your beloved Winnie and you will find yourself smiling - - truly smiling - - and your heart will once again feel the warmth of the love you and your beloved Winnie share. And you will be able to tell your baby all about your beloved Winnie, show her pictures of Winnie, - - and your beloved Winnie's sweet Living Spirit will be there with you keeping a loving vigil over your baby.

I know all too well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will be able to offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Winnie with us. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing a picture of her with us - - but only when / if you want to. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, erin, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you so much for your thoughtful and heartfelt words. They have brought so much comfort to my husband and I. I too have not felt comfortable getting rid of her things. I enjoy looking over at her bed in our living room and imagining her spirit curled up inside of it. I love that her basket of toys remains in the same spot, in the corner of our front room, ready for her to go and grab a 'present' to give to the next person who walks in the door. And I feel good with her extra water bowl in our room, full of water just in case she needs a drink in the middle of the night.

Mornings are hard, because our routine has changed. I had to cancel all of our appointments with the vet this week which was difficult to say the least. The strangest part is how lonely it is. I am a yoga teacher and do administrative work for the studio, which I usually do from home. She was always my companion while I worked at home, and the third in our little family. I love my husband, don't get me wrong, it's just so odd for the dynamic to change so suddenly.

She passed over on Saturday night, today was the first day I didn't wake up with 100 pounds of extra weight on my shoulders, it was about 95 pounds I gave thanks as soon as I woke up and prayed that our winnie was okay, loved and happy. I usually practice yoga 5 days a week at least and teach 5 classes a week as well, and have managed to get into the studio once, which feels like an accomplishment. I certainly can't teach right now, there's not much that's inspiring about someone trying not to fall apart while trying to inspire others.

I am including a photo that was taken a week ago while we were working on the nursery for our baby girl due in September. Winnie was so curious about what we were doing and wanted to see what the deal was with the crib. Of course I obliged and let her into the crib. We miss you every day Winnie.

Hi, erin, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and for the precious picture of your beloved Winnie.

Scientifc studies prove that every living being has an "energy", and that each member of the "unit" thrives on the "energy" from within the "unit." When a member's "energy" is no longer present for whatever reason, the "unit" then experiences a process of "re-establishing" the "unit" and the "energy" levels of the remaining members. So what you and your husband are experiencing is very normal when you share with us: "Mornings are hard, because our routine has changed. The strangest part is how lonely it is. She was always my companion while I worked at home, and the third in our little family. I love my husband, don't get me wrong, it's just so odd for the dynamic to change so suddenly." It can also feel as though the house structure itself is grieving the physical absence of your beloved Winnie.

I know you and your husband are eagerly anticipating the arrival of your baby girl in September -- even though your hearts are heavy with sorrow that your beloved Winnie is not physically present with you. One of the many things for you to remember is that you are among friends here who truly do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Thank you again so much for sharing with us this wonderful picture of your beloved Wiinnie. I hope today is treating you and your husband kindly, erin, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessing with your beloved Winnie's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, erin, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Erin.

She is so beautiful. So sorry for your loss.

I understand, along with so many others here, exactly what you've been through and what you're going through. I lost my Hunny to cancer too. She was diagnosed when she was seven, just days after losing her sister Lily accidently. She had surgery and we thought she was doing fine, till the tumour showed up at Christmastime. This time it had spread though and we had to make that awful decision to let her go and be with Lily a few months later. I hope that I never have to make that decision again - what a horrible thing to do. The only thing that made it easier to let Hunny go was knowing that she would be with Lily again.

I know about the loneliness and the aching to hold them. We all do. We understand the loss of excitement surrounding the arrival of your baby. It's hard to focus on anything now that a piece of your heart has been ripped out. But all will be good when she arrives. No doubt it'll be a bittersweet moment. Winnie will be there for her. Who knows maybe your baby will see her!! They say young children see spirits. I wish I could. I wish so much that I could see my angels.

Anyway, be kind to yourself and take it easy.

Lynette.

I am so very sorry to read you lost your sweet Winnie. What an adorable picture- she clearly loved being involved with everything and being by your side. Your feelings about right now towards your pregnancy are perfectly normal. I would keep the picture of Winnie in the crib nearby and look at it often. Maybe, if you can, frame and hang it in the baby’s room. Winnie was obviously very excited about your baby. Think of this and I hope this will re-ignite your excitement as well. She would not want you to be sad. She is jumping with joy as we speak! We, as humans, are attached the entire animal’s being, including the physical. We want to hug, hold, touch, share. We love to see them as part of our routines, hence you looking for her now and noting how your routine has changed and how lonely it all seems. I have not figured out how to be totally content with just the spirit being near. But, I do know that they can and do come back, so when you least expect it and are ready, another little pug may well grace your world.

Wow - I'm so happy that I joined this group. All your comments are so touching. It's truly so healing to connect with people who have gone through/are going through this difficult experience. With that said, I'm sorry for your losses as well.

I love the idea about creating something in the nursery that acknowledges our Winnie (we call her winnie the pug) . I'm an artist and a pencil drawing of our first girl, still standing guard over our baby girl would be perfect.

I can start taking maternity leave August 9 but took time off this week to grieve my girl. The funny thing is, I had convinced myself that I would work up to my due date ( September 9). With just these few days off I'm realizing that maybe this was a gift to me - the ONLY thing that would have driven me to take any time off would have been something as tragic as losing our sweet winnie. And now that I'm at home and giving myself some space, I'm realizing that it's so needed. As much as we would take care of her, she is always (still) taking care of us. As all our beloved pets do.

I feel lucky to have some perspective on this, but it doesn't make the hurt any less deep and cutting. When I'm sad I look over at her bed and imagine her curled up in it keeping me company and it makes me feel better. I feel her spirit around me, but I still do hope that I can one day be gifted with peace surrounding her health and that she knows we did everything we could for her.

I cannot stop replaying the moment she died in my arms. It's burned into my brain. As special as it was, and as blessed as we are to have spent the last moments with her, comforting her and holding her, it's still such a strange thing to be witness to and it's such a specific image it just pops up into my head through the day. And yes, the cancer is so maddening. We had thought we had a handle on her mast cell tumors 2 years ago, but her lymph nodes suddenly started to swell and within days she was gone. It's been quite a roller coaster.

Thank you again for all the replies and support. What a gift.

Time, perspective, support, understanding,… all help to heal the wounds. At the very least the raw agony of the loss tempers. The journey is different for everyone and process/do whatever is good for You. I hear and read so often, “Oh, it’s just a cat, or dog, or bird…” and “You’ve grieved enough.” I dismiss these types of statement immediately and seek out like-minded people. Winnie the Pug will always have a very special spot in your heart and you’ll always want to hold her again and have her wiggle after you in glee. The only change down the road is that it will not be as excruciatingly painful and that you will not think of her passing every minute of every day. When I lost my angel, MacKenzie, on 11 July, I was in so much pain, I even felt suicidal.

Now, almost 3 weeks later, I’m starting to rejoin the living and am realizing blessings and many good things that have come out and will continue to come out as a result of her passing. I have literally been fighting to come back to some semblance of sanity for all the ones who still need me at home. I hope the same for you. There is never a good time to lose a dear peep. Winnie was very sick and had been struggling with the dreaded “C” for some time. Her body could simply not sustain itself much longer. I suspect she was hiding a lot to ease your burdens. She also knew you would have your baby soon. She could not stay with you much longer, she knew that, too. So, she choose the best possible exit time, long enough before you give birth to allow you time to get through the worst of the pain of losing her. She also didn’t want to leave you after you give birth. You would be grieving her passing while your baby needs all of you present and joyful. Her leaving when she did, put you initially in a forced time off situation. Turns out, she knew you needed the rest more than you did!

For me, I now know that MacKenzie was not intended to have the gallbladder removal surgery from additional information I have now (read this in the comment trail on my page). I was devastated with this news at first, thinking I had killed her! The visual of her taking her last breath right in front of me, as I was trying to position her for more comfort, was horribly haunting. Now I am seeing the blessings in this. Had she not had the surgery, she would have continued to waste away and suffer. Every day would have been a torment trying to help her eat, getting her from deep under the bed, worrying incessantly about her, waiting, watching. Her passing as she did spared the both of us from needing intervention from the vet to help her to heaven, or seeing her collapse in front of me, or even worse, finding her dead somewhere in the house! She was on pain meds when she to receive God’s care. It was very peaceful and quick. I still very upset that she spent her last night on earth in a steel compartment at the vet post-surgery, so I’m still processing that.

For your Winnie, you may not realize this yet, but you were blessed to be able to hold her, and pray over her, and kiss her sweet face one last time. This was her gift to you, rather than you having to face alternatives similar to those I could have faced with MacKenzie. Winnie was where she loved to be the most, with just you, your husband, in your home where she was the happiest and where she has the fondest of memories.

A small add-on note... I looked up at my calendar at work today. It's been on the month of July all month and not until today did I see the picture. It was of a pug puppy who looks just like your Winnie. The little pug is sniffing a daisy. I couldn't believe it. How could I have missed this? I took pictures of this calendar & can load them here, if that's OK with you... If not, I understand.

oh, how sweet and special. makes me feel like winnie girl is still here would love to see the photo, thank you for asking if it would be okay.

today was hard. funny, yesterday I was feeling energetic and focused and today felt like that fresh, deep pain all over again. its becoming clear that this process is just that - a process.

I'm glad to hear you're starting to feel like you're getting back to yourself after losing MacKenzie. She is lucky to have had you carrying concern for her up until the very end, it's hard to remember that not all dogs are as blessed to have humans who invest all they are into taking care of them. I hope that each day gets a little bit better for you as you continue to move through this grief.

I hope you will continue to have energetic and focused moments. Even one is better than none and shows you are healing.

It truly is a process and what you are experiencing is “normal” – that doesn’t make it any easier except to hopefully help you to realize you are not losing your mind. I read a post here yesterday, the one year anniversary of this person’s loss. The pain was back, the longing to have her peep back. These are the triggers I dread. Even triggers of good memories invariably end up at “the end.”

I few years ago, I sought out a counselor who was reputed to be versed in trauma and grief counseling. I didn’t derive much benefit and stopped going. She did tell me one thing I will always remember. Life is a series of moments. Millions of little snapshots. The passing of a loved one is one of those moments. When you line up the millions of moments, of which the passing is only one, that puts things into a perspective. We assign weight, life doesn’t.

Attached are the pics of the calendar.

Here is a pic of the full calendar...

I'm in love with this photo.

Yesterday (before I read your post), I prayed for the first time to receive some sort of sign from my girl that she was okay and that she was happy and at peace. Soon after I saw your post and this photo - which is so sweet and serene and looks so much like our girl. It makes me think maybe that was her way of letting me know she's happy now and that she's okay and that she cared enough about us to let us know.

so grateful for your sweet gesture.

Awwww, you're welcome. Many little things coming together in a sense of purpose, I believe that. Why had I not noticed the picture before at all? Intersecting energies sending good karma thoughts. I love the photo as well. The little pup truly looks like a mini-Winnie. I compared both pics (your Winnie in the crib and the calendar) and thought I saw a pic of her as a pup in your profile pic? Here is the little pug pup, as Winnie would be now, young, carefree, healthy, full of fun and finding time to notice every precious detail of her environment, like the daisy. Like she's telling you to remember there is still sunshine, and joy, to remember to smell the flowers along your journey. And what better way than through a daisy. Rays of hope and sunshine.

When you have a chance, check out this blog post: http://christinekane.com/on-losing-a-belov...p.u9FyrzAe.dpbs. It is the singularly most succinct, on point, and simply written piece of literature addressing pet loss I have found. I refer to it often; I printed it out and keep it near. After I lost my Molly this past Jan., I was in a tremendous amount of pain and searched high and low for more information regarding pet loss, unexpected loss, dealing with trauma due to loss, etc. I already have quite a body of knowledge, as I was active in rescue for many years and have a large, aging/ailing household still "left over" from those days. Loss is a very real and frequent part of my life. Losing MacKenzie was the 10th soul this year. I knew this was coming years ago, with so many near the same age. Cats, dogs, bunnies, guinea pigs, birds... I have learned that not all loss is catastrophic. It depends. For ex., I had a rescued doxie, Max, who came to me with Molly. Both peeps were in really bad shape when they were rescued and they were already up in years. So, the rescue and I put their deteriorated, diseased bodies and spirits back together as best we could and promised to try and make up for all the years of neglect they had suffered. Max then developed mouth cancer, diagnosed in the fall of 2012. The very best for him was hospice care and supportive therapies to keep him happy and maintain his quality of life. In Jan. 2013, he was no longer able to eat and I discovered tumors on the lymph nodes in his throat. The cancer was spreading and fast. He was then no longer able to swallow properly and I feared aspiration of food. I made the very difficult decision to hand his care over the God. He went to sleep via sedative and then just slipped away. It was so difficult at first, but his spirit soared free from his body immediately and I made peace with the passing rather quickly. And, then there are losses like Molly and MacKenzie, sudden, traumatic, emotionally violent. The silent screams I mention in my writings... Haunting. After MacKenzie, I was once again on the research trail, barely hanging in, needing desperately to keep my head above water. So many more need me. I cannot fail them.

And so I found this site. I read extensively at first and then joined. I have visited many who are grieving here, sometimes I have left messages. I feel all the pain. I was very drawn to your Winnie and your upcoming birth. I kept coming back to visit to see how you were doing, to also read moon_beam's words of comfort, as they help me as well, even if for someone else. And then I looked up and saw the calendar picture...

I hope that you are improving bit by bit, and through all the pain, feel that there is hope and promise and rebirth. I hope and wish continued light to shine on you for gentle healing.

Another add-on little note: I posted "A Perspective By Eckhart Tolle: Life And Death. A Walk Through the Forest," here yesterday. It's not far from your entry. Please take a moment to read this when you have a chance. It is restorative. Have faith that life never truly dies. It takes on a new form. Same with love. It exits and then finds a new entry point. You have to be ready to receive this, and when you are, the door will open. I have experienced this.

Hi, erin, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Monique is sharing with you many things that are in my heart as well, so as you read her responses please know that she also shares many thoughts that I would write to you as well.

One thing that I would like to add my thoughts are in response to your observations about this grief adjustment journey being a "process." Indeed, this grief journey is a "process" rather than a straight line from "A" to "Z". In the early to mid 1970's, Elizabeth Kubler Ross wrote a book on the five stages of grief primarily for the hospice services that were just beginning to take root here in the United States. For many years professional counselors and clinical professionals used this book as a "bible" to coach people on how to navigate their grief journey. Fortunately now there is a "new reality" in the clinical fields that recognizes there is more to grieving a loss than initially prosed by Kubler Ross, and a major realization is that people grieve differently at different "speeds" and in different ways.

So please do not be "discouraged" when you find that one day is better than another. Some people find working on a memorial tribute helps with the grief process. For example, working on a memorial scrapbook or video, keeping a journal of thoughts and memories of a beloved companion, planting a garden, making a donation to a rescue organization or to the veterinary care provider facility to honor the beloved companion's memory, etc.. What is important is that you allow yourself the opportunity to grieve for your beloved Winnie as YOU feel the need to.

I hope today is treating you and your husband kindly, erin, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessing with your beloved Winnie's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, erin, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thanks to both of you. Monique - that link you gave me is perfection. It sums everything up so perfectly and succinctly .. i'm bookmarking it for sure. and I did see your post about Eckhart Tolle's quote, loved it.

I'm going to speak with someone tomorrow - she's an intuitive but she's also somewhat of a spiritual adviser if you will. I'm hoping I can find some peace inside my conversation with her. Today has been better, I went back into work after working from home last week and it was actually really great to be around people again and talk about other things (and winnie things).

I thought of winnie a lot yesterday, and had those moments out in public where I felt like I was going to have a panic attack - I had seen others say this has happened to them and I thought it was odd and I couldn't relate, but I was wrong! It wasn't directly related to her, but I attribute some of it to all the emotions from the week.

Thank you both again for the support and kind words. It truly is a day by day thing. <3

Hi, erin, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I'm so very glad you were able to go into work yesterday - - this is a successful step "forward" because it was done in your own time as you felt up to it. Even so, there will be times when you may still feel moments of being "overwhelmed" - - unexpectedly - - and this, too, is a normal part of this grief adjustment journey. I hope your meeting today with the intuitive / spiritual advisor will be beneficial for you.

I hope today is treating you and your husband kindly, erin, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessing with your beloved Winnie's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, erin, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

I went to teach a yoga class tonight. Since Winnie passed away (almost 3 weeks ago) I have stepped back from teaching. Partially because I'm now 9 months pregnant and partly because I couldn't bring myself to stand up and teach while I was hurting so badly.

I taught a mellow class to my old soccer team tonight - something I do every year. It's casual and in the middle of the class the coach (my old coach) said 'hows that dog of yours doing? shes going to have quite the adjustment when that baby comes!' I looked at him and smiled and said 'it will be different!' someone asked what kind of dog she was and I answered. I felt guilty for lying but it felt strange to stop the class and let everyone know she died. He didn't know, and I didn't want him to feel bad.

The fact that it's been 3 weeks seems ridiculous to me. 3 weeks?! How could it have been 3 WEEKS?! It feels like these past few weeks have been one terribly long day.

We did receive some really nice cards from our vets, a photo from my friends at work of winnie, and some sweet condolences from others. Getting her ashes back was really sad. The other night I waited for my husband to fall asleep and I got her little cedar box, a photo and the sweet paw print our vet tech made sure we got - sat on the floor in the spot where she died in my arms and just sobbed for a while.

It's funny how people have been so kind and compassionate during the first few days, even the first week. But then it feels like everyone just expects me to be over it - like they are thinking 'ok...so aren't you over it now? its been a week?' It may be a blessing to be able to mask this all as my maternity leave so that people stop judging the time I need to not only grieve, but to honor and remember my winnies life. she deserves at least that much.

Hi, erin, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Indeed, it never ceases to amaze me how "life" continues on - - jobs get done, errands are run, meals prepared, chores done, - - but it is done on what I call "automatic pilot" - - during the deep grief it is perfectly normal to feel "disconnected" from the continuing activities. Although clinical professionals recognize that the grief journey for the physical loss of a beloved companion is the same as for a human family member or friend, sadly our society in general, and sometimes the people who are closest to us emotionally and geographically, do not. This is one of the many reasons why this wonderful forum is here as a safe place where we can come to as long and as often as we need to and share what is in our hearts with people who truly do understand. There are no "time limits" here, erin - - no "expiration dates" to share what is in your heart.

Getting our beloved companion's ashes back is a two sided coin for sure: one side can be a relief having them back home where they belong, while the other side is yet another blatant reminder they are no longer with us in the physical form our hearts and arms long for them to be. I hope you will find comfort in knowing your beloved Winnie's sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey, erin, as she always has and always will.

I hope today is treating you and your husband kindly, erin, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessing with your beloved Winnie's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, erin, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

I completely understand and empathize with you. I am very selective on who I tell that I'm grieving the loss of a pet, and even then I am left with regrets I even mentioned it at all. With MacKenzie, I learned that my world of support is narrower than I thought. Deep down, I intentionally keep things to myself, for to add the judgment of others is too much to process. I avoid it at all costs. I commend you for not saying anything in your yoga class. With such a wide audience, there could well have been multiple waves of unspoken thought that judged. I envision a cacophagy of silent thoughts crossing the room, none of which are helpful or supportive and are along the lines of, "Well, it's just a dog." There is no way to confirm or deny this. Just the thought that it is a possibility is a lot to process in the wake of losing someone so very dear to you, someone you just knew would be there to celebrate your baby. I, too, feel the One Long Day sydrome. I just had the 4th anniversary week of MacKenzie's passing, and have since lost my bunny, Tabitha (8/4). I cannot believe MacKenzie is already gone 4 weeks. In some ways, due to the intense grieving and struggle to recover, it feels like she has been gone much longer. And then the calendar turns to a new week, and I feel like it was just yesterday.

Very touching that you spent some time where Winnie passed, a private time just between you and her, celebrating her through your tears. She is with you, to be sure.

(((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))

Thank you moon_beam and monique. It's so nice to feel heard and acknowledged without any judgement here. I'm so grateful for these boars in those moments I need a little extra support, time to process or just time to remember.

Feeling sentimental, so I wanted to share another photo of winnie. I love this one because she looks so happy - it's just the pug's nature to always look sad with that drawn out face But we love this one because she looks so happy. She's with our 8 chickens. She was very hesitant to interact with them at first, but in no time she and the chickens started getting along so well. One of our chickens (kirk) would always approach Winnie and peck endlessly on her name tag. Winnie didn't mind, she would just sit and let her do it. Her name tag is now on my key chain so that I can have a piece of her with me always.

I did see the animal communicator/spiritual advisor and found her to be so helpful. We talked about Winnie and she picked up right away on what caused our girls quick decline and re assured me that there was nothing more we could have done; that the cancer was just too strong. She did remind me though that through our life we have pets that are different than the rest, one's we connect with on a deeper level. Winnie was that pet for me. She let me know that these pets always come back to us in another form, and while it's not necessarily immediate, in the meantime their spirit remains with us.

Monique, I'm so sad to hear of Tabitha's passing so shortly after MacKenzie. Time truly feels non existent in so many ways during this process. Hoping that you're taking care of yourself through the grieving.

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Hi, erin, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and this wonderful picture of your beloved Winnie. There is no doubt she is beaming with joy.

I'm glad your meeting with the spiritual advisor was able to offer you some peace of heart about what happened with your beloved Winnie, and hope her words of comfort will continue to encourage you as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

I hope today is treating you and your husband kindly, erin, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Winnie's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Found myself re visiting this message board last night, and re visiting the little tribute I created on facebook for my winnie girl.

This past Saturday was 5 weeks, I had no idea that I would hold that date so clearly in my mind and silently remember the sad anniversary every single week.

As I moved through the last week I still found that I cried a bit each day, but that it was a little better than the week before. But then today I saw the photo collage I created about her and it hit me all over again. It does make me sad and nostalgic to look at the photos of her from our big past moments (my wedding, engagement, buying our first home, her last walk) but the hardest one is the one we took of her next to a pair of baby shoes to announce our pregnancy. This part has been the hardest to swallow. Knowing all the plans we had in place to introduce her to the baby and planning out the family photos with her once our child arrived. It has been brutal trying to figure out how to let that picture go.

My co workers did gift me a matted and framed photo of her for our nursery which is so touching.

I know we will wait until after the baby arrives to start looking at getting another dog, but I worry about the feelings of guilt. I don't want her to ever feel replaced or that we are not honoring her memory by waiting longer. I know we must get another pug because I can't imagine not having this breed in my life, but I'm so cautious now. I don't know how to ensure I find the right one. I don't know how to be more careful about finding a dog from a safe source. Winnie was given to me as a gift and I am certain she was from a backyard breeder, and sometimes I wonder if the lack of research to person who gave her to me is to blame for her health issues.

My mind is spinning as I try to pull myself together today. I am also 39 weeks pregnant today and am just so confused by EVERYTHING I've been feeling.

Grateful to have a place where I can spell out my feelings and process my thoughts.

hi erin,

as i turned the calendar to september at work today, i thought of you and wondered how you were doing. lo and behold you made a post.

in as difficult as it is to allow, your heart will guide you to your next dog. he/she will most likely show up unexpected and unannounced. your sweet peep knows she will never be replaced and she will be very much a part of your life with your daughter, just in a different form. i know you worry about where the next pug will come from and whether the backyard breeding had anything to do with it. my experience is that even under the most seemingly perfect breeding conditions, issues can come up, whether congenital or otherwise.

i wish you all the best with your upcoming birth and welcoming your miracle into this world.

((((((hugs))))))

Hi, erin, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Indeed, during the deep grief our hearts are ever-mindful of the minutes, hours, days, weeks following our beloved companion's transition to the angels. Everything in our daily life is measured by their physical absence and the memories that can be painful to recall because they add an agonizing emphasis to the emptiness in our hearts. So please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is a very normal part of this grief adjustment journey.

As our forum friend Monique has already comfortingly shared with you, I wish to affirm her counsel: You will know when the time is appropriate for you and your husband to open your hearts and home to another precious companion, and your beloved Winnie is already preparing the path that will lead you to knowing "THE ONE" who will capture your heart. For now, though, enjoy the anticipation of your baby girl, to bringing her home, to establishing routines with her, and to telling her all about Winnie who is keeping a loving vigil over her. And please know we are here for you to share what is in your heart for as long and as often as you need us.

I hope today is treating you kindly and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Winnie's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi, erin, just thought I would stop by to let you know that I hope today is treating you kindly, and that you will have a very peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Winnie's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. I hope all is well with you and your baby daughter. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Oh erinpuglover -

Thank you for your words. Looking at photos of your Winnie - what a sweetie.
This grief process is hard. It comes in waves and at least in my experience - the
waves are different. Some harsh and some little ripples.

I have a good friend who's beloved Papillon Gatsby was killed by a coyote. She got to him
in time to hear his last gasp of air in her arms. She was 9 months pregnant at the time
and a week later she gave birth to a healthy baby boy. She had a home birth and
she said when her son came out - his first gasp of air sounded like Gatsby's last. It
was exactly the same. She takes it as a sign that life continues. I agree with her take on that
event. I just felt the need to share that with you.

Know I'm keeping your family in my thoughts and prayers.

moonbeam & Scarletts Mom, thank you for your replies. My daughter was born September 13, which is why I didn't see or respond to your posts earlier a healthy little girl named Jane.

I guess I thought with a new baby I would be able to move on from the loss of Winnie, but it still lingers every day. It's been 6 months and we invited a new puppy into the home. I am full of guilt! I just want to have the same love for him as I did for my winnie, but it's not there yet. It's hard to remember that it's not going to be immediate and each dog is different.

We did not get another pug, I couldn't. Not yet. I was too afraid of all the expectations I would place on another pug. I still put them on our new boy (Cooper, an aussie-doodle), but it's different. It's harder than I thought to welcome a new pup in. All I can think is " I just want MY girl back. I just want my winnie. " I would trade anything for her back.

SHe would have loved our girl Jane. She would have been the perfect protector and lover. Winnie would have been my calm in the eye of the storm of new motherhood. Instead, I have a new puppy who's stirring our world up even more. I wish she was here, I wish she could meet Jane.

Someone the other day commented on 'how ugly pugs are, sorry but winnie was ugly..haha!' and I almost burst in tears. Some people just don't understand what it is to have a soul connection with a dog.

I don't know that I'll ever love another dog like I loved Winnie. I miss you winnie girl.

Hi, erin, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and congratulations on your baby girl Jane. Your beloved Winnie's sweet Living Spirit is watching over her, and you - - your beloved Winnie is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

A puppy requires as much attention as a human child, so it is perfectly understandable how you're feeling when you share with us: "It's harder than I thought to welcome a new pup in. Winnie would have been my calm in the eye of the storm of new motherhood. Instead, I have a new puppy who's stirring our world up even more." Winnie is your beloved companion who already was familiar with the family routines, and would have adjusted well to the additiional care of her human baby sister. Cooper, however, is a new soul who is going through not only a HUGE adjustment to new routines and adult family members as his caregivers, but is also coping with the adjustment to the needs of a human baby sister who requires as much time of care. A puppy's needs is quite similar to a human infant and toddler, and requires as much attention to keep them out of trouble. So it's perfectly natural that you are feeling overwhelmed.

Love is not always "at first sight" - - sometimes love comes softly through enduring the daily routines and then recognizing one day that your life would be missing the physical presence of someone who has come to find a special place in your heart. I hope one day you will come to have this unique love bond with your precious Cooper.

I'm so sorry that you had to endure the insensitive comment about your beloved Winnie. Obviously the person who made this comment is totally clueless. Perhaps one day you will have the opportunity to share with this person how hurtful the comments were.

I hope today is treating you kindly, erin, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Winnie's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Erin, I lost Sophie a Boston terrier I had for seven years due to a mass cell tumor just a fancy word for cancer. She was my baby and everything else. I've had three miscarriages one in 2007 one last August and another one this February. Sophie was right there through the thick and thin and I feel like I let her down when I didn't go to the vets office to put her to rest. I was so sick from my nerves that it felt like I had the flu. I just can't wait to be in heaven with her. All I do is look at her stuff and cry. I don't think I will be happy again. My vet said that boxers, pugs, Bulldogs and Boston Terriers are more prone to cancer than any other breed. take it one minute by minute. Sandy

Sandy,
My Winnie had those mast cell tumors too. She was plagued with them all over. It started with just one, and then they began to pop up all over. We tried so many different treatments, we even looked at alternative medicine (herbs and topical treatments). The cancer from the mast cell tumors spread to her lymph nodes I'm told, and we suspect her stomach too. Winnie was also 7 years old. I'm taken with our commonalities. I also felt guilt and regret, like maybe there was something more I could have done, something I missed, a way I could have saved her.
I was thinking of winnie tonight a lot. Similarly, about how she just stood by me during some of my darkest moments. When I had to leave a bad relationship, I had to drive across the country with whatever I could fit in my car, and with Winnie as my sidekick. Sometimes I think, she was an angel that was given to me to guide me and support me through some of the more tumultuous times in my life. And that once she knew that my life was started to stabilize and flourish, she passed on. It doesn't change how deeply it hurts to not have her here with me anymore. I ache for her. I look at my blessings and I am so grateful for all of them! But I still feel so cheated that I lost Winnie. I still get annoyed when I see people post photos of their little dogs (esp pugs, french bull dogs, bostons) because I look at them and think ' thats supposed to be me. its not fair. what are you allowed this and I am not? ' I love pugs but I'm terrified to ever get one again because I don't know if I could put myself through the grieving I have gone through with Win. I think of her literally every single day and it's almost been an entire year.
I'm deeply sorry for all your losses. Losing Sophie and your miscarriages. The loss must feel so heavy. I too think about when I will get to see her again. It's remarkable all that you've been through and very understandable that you feel the way you do. I have found a lot of comfort here, checking in and writing when I need the release and the support. I hope you feel the same.

hi erin,

a lot has happened in both our worlds. i'm here for a bit to commemorate the passing of another dear peep, my sammy jo. i hope you are enjoying being a mom to a human child.

regarding adding another furred family member. you will know when the time is right. one will find you and you will know. in the meantime, embrace the memories, including the pain, of your beloved pug peep. the pain is a way to honor their unconditional love.

xo