Hi all,

Thank-you for providing a medium to express my grief and know I am not alone by also sharing in your grief. My little dog Jax, an 8 lb small-but-mighty Jack Russell Terrier, has had a lot to endure in her short 11 year life. When she was only 2 she slipped a disc in her back twice. The first time I opted for pain meds, steroids, and kennel rest and she pulled through like a soldier. The second time it happened, she was in such intense pain that the vet told me I had to consider surgery. Because I was a student at the time, I found the quickest loan I could get my hands on and we were off on the 3 hour drive to the neurosurgeon. She did remarkably well after and only seemed to have mild flare ups of back pain. She enjoyed life. Came camping, went on hikes, swam and fetched sticks in water, and fell in love with my boyfriend of five years. That little dog idolized him...he was her world.

This April she had what I thought was another slipped disc...the vet told me years ago to expect this to happen again because she felt she had degenerative disc disease. This time it seemed to be in her neck. We opted out of diagnostic tests because both the vet and I were convinced that is what was going on. She prescribed narcotics and muscle relaxants and we took it easy for a week and she was back to normal. The vet commented that she had lost some weight and I feel awful I didn't catch that something bigger was going on. This week she started to withdraw and act as though she was in pain again. Monday night she started acting very strange and was pacing and panting and hiding in corners. I phoned the C.A.R.E emergency and given her history and such they thought it was likely pain and that I could take her to my regular vet the next day. I woke up early Tuesday and found her to be very lethargic and what I thought was near deaths door.

I rushed her into the emerg vet and the vet there did a neuro exam, took her temp and listened to her heart. She then gave me her opinion that she thought it was a brain tumuor or stroke. She was flinching to anything near her face, and couldn't really stand or walk straight. Also her feet did not have the reflex to flip back up.

She gave me three options: 1: give her steroids if it's cancer they may make her feel better, if something else they may make it worse; 2: wait for the specialist tomorrow who would likely require a $2500 MRI to make his diagnosis; or 3: euthanasia.

While I understand all of these were reasonable options I am still confused why I wasn't offered a simple blood test. Anyways, feeling like it was in the best interest for Jax, we opted for euthanasia. I wasn't exactally thinking straight or critically at this point. I was scared and worried and trusting in the vets practice .

After they took her to put in an IV she seemed to perk up just a little and even looked at us, wagged her tail, and accepted a treat. The vet came in and I told her I saw a glimpse she was still ok. She said I so believe there is something serious going on in her brain. Again this made me feel hopeless.

While I am not trying to blame anyone....I do feel incredibly guilty about my hasty decision and I just can't get the thought out of my head 'what if the vet was wrong'?

She was put down on Tuesday and both my boyfriend and I are barely able to stop crying or moping around. She was one of the most special little dogs there ever was and touched every life she met. She adored people, especially Jason. She would lick the air the minute someone came into her sight. She loved water. She would go crazy anytime the water hose went and would want to play in the river or lakes whenever she was at one. She loved little girls and would make a beeline for them at the dog park. She would walk up to them with a smile often mistaken as a snarl. It was the cutest thing ever. Then she would shower them with kisses, her tail wagging the whole time. She always had to be on a lap. She was the ultimate cuddler and lap dog.

Despite having gone through a cancer that may have caused her so much pain. She was so stoic and proud and happy that we didn't clue in to the small signs she may have been fighting something so sinister until it was too late. And it's the not knowing for sure what was wrong with her that is also hard.

I miss my Jax. Thank-you for reading.

It is difficult, but please try not to second guess your decision. It was the best for Jax.

It seems to me that every time I had decided to let my babies go, they seemed better that day....I wonder; has anyone else experienced this?

May God hold you in his hands at this difficult time.

I am so sorry for your loss.

K

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Thank-you for the words of encouragement. And sorry for the loss of your sweet kitties Nickee and Callie.

The guilt is not a fun place to dwell on and I am going to work hard to get past it so I can grieve the loss of my beloved Jax. I learned a lot from that little dog. Give it all you got and love with your whole heart . Be kind to everyone because you never know what pains they have.

Dear Jax's mom

The decision to end a dog's suffering is always a gut-wrenching and heart-breaking one. But it is also the supreme way we show that we truly love our dogs. We can think ahead and know what the results of the "magic shot" will be. Our dogs cannot. So, what we're called on to do is volunteer for a regret and guilt that will stick with us for our whole lives - although it will sometimes lessen with time - so that their suffering can be ended. You have shown the ultimate love for Jax.

Now Jax lives in his spiritual form. Now he DOES know that you did this out of love for him. He knows your heart is broken and he will find small subtle ways to let you know he is OK. My first dog, Gretta, the kindest chocolate lab who ever lived, used to cause me to find unusual bird feathers on the ground. However Jax chooses to let you know he is in the Perfect World, please be assured that his spirit is just where he ever was - at your side, making you happy, protecting you from trouble and, most importantly, loving and being loved by you just like before.

Jax IS (not WAS) a beautiful dog with an indomitable spirit - that shows through so clearly in his photo. Thank you for sharing that with us. We will always be with you here at LS and we will NEVER use the words "should."

Please keep us up on how you are doing. We know what it's like and we care.

Gretta and Rufus's mom

Hi, Jax's Mom, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Jax. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

As both SilNickCal and Gretta's Mom have so comfortingly reassured you, please permit me to add my support to your decision to release your beloved Jax from his failing, frail, painful physical body. Our companions are very adept at disguising how they are feeling until the illness or effects of injury are advanced to a stage where they can no longer hide how they are feeling. This is a genetic trait they inherit from their wild cousins, but unfortunately it is no help to us as their caregivers or to their veterinary care providers. Sometimes veterinary medicine can intervene and help restore a good quality of life to our companions, and sadly, there comes a time such as the circumstances of your beloved Jax when the only thing that can be done is to try to make our companion's transition journey from their physical body as comfortable and compassionate as possible.

Jax's Mom, this grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is a journey that cannot be reconciled in a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month, or even 6 months for you are now on a journey that is filled with all the first withouts and the memories that can be all too painful right now that include this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year to endure. It is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time, in your own way and in your own time - - with the reassurance you are not alone but are among friends here who truly do understand what you are going through and that we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

This grief journey is also filled with many different emotions that can overwhelm us all at one time. One of the many emotions ALL of us experience to some degree is guilt / remorse, and it is one of the harder emotions to reconcile because it comes from looking back and trying to reconcile all the things that didn't make sense at the time they were happening, and all the "whys" "what ifs" and "if onlys" that torture our hearts in the midst of our deepest sorrow. I hope someday you will be able to find a peace in your heart that you did the absolute best thing for your beloved Jax at all times and in all circumstances, and your beloved Jax knows you made each and every decision with his best interests always and foremost at the center of your heart.

In the midst of this deepest grief, there is one thing that will never change - - the love bond you and your beloved Jax share. Love is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Jax's sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey as he always has and always will for he is always and forever a part of your heart and memories - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know all to well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so very much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Jax with us, and this adorable picture of him swimming. He is so blessed to have you for his Forever Mom, and you are blessed to be his sole, and soul, heir to his eternal love. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Jax's Mom, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank-you Gretta's mom and moon_beam. Thank-you for being there and offering your guidance and understanding. I am still very sad and in the midst of still having second guesses and what ifs...though the occurrences are slowing and it helps to re-read the replies from all of you here on this forum.

This weekend I was surrounded by family as I was away at my cousins wedding.. It is amazing how little you know of people who have been through the same thing until you share your story. Losing a pet seems in some ways not held to the same significance as losing a family member. But of course to me and to everyone here it is everybit as painful, if not worse.

I am looking forward to the day when I won't cry everyday and I can focus on the many memories I have with my Jax. And Gretta's mom, I felt I recieved a sign from Jax when a dragonfly landed on my face. I have always thought of them as a spiritual symbol and in the Native American culture and others they hold a very spiritual significance.

This has taught me a great hard lesson in not taking the love an life we share together for granted for we are all so very fragile. My time with my two other senior dogs and my cat will be even more valuable now. Thank-you Jax for coming into my life and teaching me so much in this little blip of time. You truly are a gift to my life .

Hi, Jax's Mom, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. When we lose the physical presence of a loved one - - whoever the life form - - it does make us more aware of how fragile our time is with our loved ones. In my senior years I have come to realize that we truly don't take our loved ones for granted while they are with us - - but because of the many demands on our time we don't always have the "awareness" of how quickly time is passing in our cherished relationships. I hope you know that your beloved Jax knows how much you love him, and that he is blessed to have you for his Forever Mom, along with your precious senior dogs and cat. They each know you cannot be with them 24 / 7, but they know you always love them wherever you are and whatever you're doing.

I hope today is treating you and your precious companions kindly, Jax's Mom, and that you will have a very peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Jax's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam