Last Thursday, I made the difficult decision to help our senior dog cross the Rainbow Bridge and am now filled with pain and doubt beyond what I have ever experienced. Hope came to us as a short-term foster dog 2 months ago. When I went to the shelter to pick her up, they handed me an old, overweight, stinky beagle that had been overbred and found under a bush in someone's yard. I brought her home, bathed her and quickly discovered she had difficulty breathing and I was afraid she would not last the weekend. She was deemed unadoptable by her rescue so we decided to keep her and get her the medical care she needed to live out what time she had left.

After an X-ray and blood test, my veterinarian diagnosed her with advanced heart-worm, lung damage and a heavy parasitic burden. She was not a candidate for aggressive treatment. She spent the next 30 days on antibiotics and steroids and we got her started on heart guard (slow kill method). For a while she improved. Then came the cycles of severe diarrhea lasting 3 weeks. It cumulatively took its toll. I would get it under control just to start again. Some nights I had to pick her up and carry her outside to go to the bathroom just to get her going. She had ups and downs.

Despite it all, she was the most gentle, humble, sweet soul I have ever met. My other dogs and cats took to her immediately. She asked for nothing and was grateful for every kind word and pat on the head. Her favorite spot in the house was in front of our oven staring at her reflection in the glass. It made her so happy. She spent most of her time moving from dog bed to dog bed throughout the house. Her presence gave me such amazing peace and comfort. After over a dozen foster dogs, I never connected with one like Hopie. I believe she must have belonged to someone who loved her at one time despite the obvious neglect she endured. I was just so happy to have her in my life.

My mother came to stay with us and after observing her for a few days, suggested that she would never improve and the best we could hope for was an extension of her current existence. Her constant cough was a reminder of the disease she carried in her heart. Her slow movements a reminder of the daily battle her body was undergoing. The diarrhea and vomiting reduced her quality of life further. I made the appointment to euthanize her spontaneously one morning while I had the courage. I cried the whole way to the vet. My husband offered to take her, but it needed to be me. I walked her slowly around the building to say goodbye and scooped her up in a blanket and brought her in. I felt remorse the minute I stepped into that office and have been filled with intense, unmanageable anguish since. I held her face in my hands and stared into her eyes as she drifted away. No one else in my family shared the connection or appreciation for what an amazing dog she was. I am devastated and empty. Thoughts of "I did not do enough" or "give it enough time" plague me. I'm having anxiety attacks. I've had to euthanize a pet before and it was devastating. The difference is I had them forever. I knew their medical history. I knew the progression of their health. I knew they had been loved. With Hope, I only had what little information my veterinarian could gather. I knew life treated her unkindly. I feel like I gave up on her too soon. I feel like she finally found comfort for too brief a time. I never once begrudged her care. She was a gift and I feel like I let her down when it counted most. I ask her every day for forgiveness.

Oh TLC Mom,

I read your amazing post about sweet Hope and now my eyes are filled with tears. You did a wonderful, miraculous, infinitely loving thing for Hope: you let her know that someone loved her MOST, loved her unconditionally, loved her in spite of what must have been a Lock-the-door situation. Love like yours for Hope is infinite, so the time it was given does not matter. Hope left this world with her hope resored, with love and happiness in her heart, and a "my mom" that she can brag about in the Perfect World where she is now.

Something similar happend to a dog named Benjamin about two years ago. He was a puppy with parvo and many other health problems who was thrown over the wall at a place in California called the Gentle Barn. From the time someone picked him up until the next day when he succumbed, his little feet never touched the ground. Someone was always holding him, giving him love like the love you gave Hope.

The path of both of these beautiful beings into the Perfect World was paved with the love that conquers all, the love that shines in every star in the heavens.

You are the best mom ever and Hope is right there with you in spirit form. (Spirits can be two places at once.) And she is thanking you for your supremem gift of love - that of releasing her from her earthly pain and letting her ascend to a place where there is only joy and happiness and, as the old hymn says, "a land where we never grow old."

If my Gretta, the kindest chocolate lab who ever lived, has not met your Hope yet, I'll send her over and they can sleep in the warm sun together.

Rufus and Gretta's mom

Hi, Tclmom, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Hope. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they they can be healed and restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

As Gretta's Mom has so comfortingly shared with you, you did the absolute best thing for your beloved Hope in releasing her from her frail, painful, failing physical body. Love is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space - - love is eternal. Your beloved Hope is eternally blessed to have you for her Forever Mom, and you are eternally blessed to be her sole, and soul, heir to her eternal love. Your beloved Hope's sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey as she always has and always will - - for she is always and forever a part of your heart and memories -- she is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

Tclmom, there is never a "good time" to endure this painful grief adjustment journey. I hope in time you will come to find a peace in your heart that you gave your beloved Hope the very best part of you to have and hold through all eternity, and that you gave her the blessing of freedom from her painful physical body. It is important you know you are not alone as you travel your grief adjustment journey - - you are among friends here who truly do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Thank you so very much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Hope with us. I hope you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Hope's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Tclmom, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

I am so very sorry for your loss. I understand all too well what you are feeling. I cried reading your post. I just lost a cat this morning. The neighbour ran her over. But this neighbour didn't even have the decency to let us know. This poor cat has just had kittens too. Not sure where she has then hidden yet.

Anyway, so sorry. I too have beagles - three of them. One of which was a puppy mill rescue. Fortunately she was healthy when we got her, but she had her issues. She was afraid of her own shadow - and some men. But after five years, she has come a long way.

Every dog touches your heart. And every loss hurts so much it's unbelievable how we survive. I've lost many over the years, one just last November and it never gets any easier. I wasn't there for George when he left. I carry the guilt that I should've made him stay inside that morning. He loved to chase cars and we just couldn't break him of that habit. But it was so cold he should've have stayed in the house.

What you did for Hope was amazing. Dogs are super smart - they know when they have it good and she knew how much she was loved. For the short time she was with you you were her whole world. I'm crying as I write this. I miss my babies so much. I'm not so good at writing responses to other peoples losses, but as bad as I am, please know I totally understand EVERYTHING you are feeling. I don't come here too often. I find it hard to read others posts.

Once again, so very sorry. This is a great place to write your feelings. It helped me. I come here once in a while just to update.

Hope will be with you forever. And one day I hope we will all be reunited again. One day - just waiting for the chance to hold and kiss my angels once again.

Lynette

She looks so happy and content in your picture.

Thank you for your lovely comment. I was so desperate when I wrote this post to connect with someone who understands this type of pain and doubt. Four days before Hope, my 20 year old cat, Gatsby was euthanized due to kidney failure. I had her since she was 4 weeks old. She had lost complete bladder control and her kidneys were shut down. Gatsby struggled with her kidneys for two years. I felt like I was always saying goodbye so when the time came I was at peace. My husband brought her in for the appointment. We knew the medical community had nothing left to offer her. She weighed 4 lbs at the end. I know I did not have enough time to properly grieve her before losing Hope. I've been despondent over losing Hope wondering if our judgement was jaded with what we went through just days earlier with Gatsby. It seemed our whole house was in a state of decline and urgency. I am in a perpetual state of anxiety. I can be in a crowd and the wave of loss crashes and I can't breathe. I look around and everyone else seems normal. Your words remind me that pain will recede, but for now, I'm just lost without them.

It comforts me to think she has a friend where she is...

Thank you moon_beam, your words help me tremendously. My faith was challenged in December when I lost my Dad, but is stronger than ever. I made the mistake of researching pets in heaven after losing Hope and was disheartened to read so many doubters. I prefer to believe your version. I have to or I will never dig my way out of this dark place I'm in. I loved to foster and took pride in taking "difficult" cases. I broke the rules by falling in love with Hope and can't imagine fostering again now. We donated all of our/her things. Maybe someday I'll think differently, but for now it is unimaginable. To think her energy surrounds me will make me a better person.

Your words hit home, Lynette. I so appreciate your willingness to comment. I lost my 20 year old cat, Gatsby, a few days before Hope. She had been struggling with renal disease for a while and I was prepared as can be for the loss. After Hope, it was a tidal wave of grief and I'm still spinning in the waves trying to surface. You are so right. They all touch your heart. I think I was in shock after Gatsby so thought I could handle losing Hope. I cry every single day. There are so many emotional triggers astound my house it is yard to bear. Finding this website helps. Thank you so much. I am so sorry for your loss too!

Hi, Tclmom, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Indeed, enduring the grief of multiple losses - - as with your Dad and your beloved Gatsby - - and now your beloved Hope - - intensifies the deep sorrow.

Clinical professionals now recognize that the grief adjustment journey in the physical loss of a beloved companion is the same as for a human family member or friend. Sadly, however, our society in general, and sometimes even the people who are closest to us both geographically and emotionally, do not. The people who are unable to understand our grief do not understand - - or accept - - the reality that the bond we share with our beloved companions is on a different level than the bond we share with our human family members and friends. Our beloved companions give to us their unconditional love and undivided attention, and we in turn surrender ourselves to them completely without reservation and without fear of rejection. Many people interpret this as our loving our companions "more than" we love our human family members and friends. Clinical professionals now recognize that it is BECAUSE we are able to experience this special love bond with our beloved companions that we are also able to share ourselves more completely with our human relationships.

This is one of the many reasons why this wonderful forum is here for us - - to be a safe place where we can come to share what is in our hearts with people who truly DO understand what we are feeling and going through.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Tclmom, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Hope's and Gatsby's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Tclmom,

I wanted to reach out since I also had to make the decision to euthanize a dog (Eva) who first came to me/us as a foster, and who had too short a stay with us (440 days). Eva was also overbred, but rather than being overweight when she came to us, she was severely underweight and, like your foster, Hope, was in desperate need of veterinary care.

I feel that what you did was selfless. You know that she was suffering - heartworm is not easy on a dog, and neither is heartworm treatment. You know that, deep down inside, and that's why you and your veterinarian made that difficult decision.

You gave Hope the best two months she ever had. Know that. She left this earth knowing that she was loved and cared for, having experienced warmth and affection and devotion and love. That is the greatest gift you could have given Hope, who probably knew only suffering before she came to you.

I believe that dogs do not measure their lives by quantity. How could they? - they live in the moment, one experience to the next. They measure their lives, day by day, in quality, and in that way, you gave Hope a whole lifetime of love.