So the question I have of you is this, has the loss of your dearly-beloved, your grief, seemed to change either your relationships with some people, or how you feel about some people, or how you feel about people in general?
I’ve lost my Molly-girl. It’s hit me like a ton of bricks. The grief has been so, SO heavy and feels unbearable at times. I’ve wanted to die. But mostly, to the appearance of others I’ve kept any outward expression of my deep grief mostly to myself, though I do tell them I’m “heartbroken” over the loss.
To my surprise, I’m feeling a shift in the relationship I’m having with others…or, at least the way I feel about them. I have a few very close friends and a wide circle of “friends and acquaintances.” I’ve been telling people about Molly’s passing, mostly by email, sometimes in person, sometimes by phone. I’m so, SO very surprised by the individuals who say nothing. I tell them Molly died and that I am heartbroken over it and their response: nothing. Nada. Some don’t even say “oh, gee, I’m sorry.” They don’t even mention it at all. Really? I’m a little surprised by that. There are those who say they “are sorry” but nothing more, not asking how I am, that’s about it. There are a very few who really understand--and they are a God-send. They, along with this web-site, have buoyed me up through this.
So I ask this question of you, because I feel this is going to change my relationship with some people—maybe how I feel about people in general??? Not necessarily in a “bad” way, but in some kind of way for sure (probably not positive, though). I guess, if I were honest, I feel disappointed in the people who said nothing. I normally always give the benefit of the doubt to people; I’m always the person who understands why someone cut me off in traffic (I am always sure something’s going on in their life that is distracting them). So when someone says nothing, or little about the passing of my beloved pet, I have to believe that it is because it hits a nerve with them, or they’ve not gone through it, or it strikes fear in their hearts.
In addition to my very, very deep grief, I am also now feeling somewhat sad that I’m feeling that my relationships with some people will change. So not only have I lost my dearly-beloved friend, I’m in some way losing “other” parts of my life, as they were, as well. Frankly, I feel like my life will never be the same, even though I do hold some hope that this intense pain will let up with time, but somehow, I will never be the same. At this moment, life just feels oh-so sad, so very, very sad.
Does anyone have any thoughts on this? Your experience? Do you feel some relationships, or how you feel about people--either specifically or in generally, has changed as a result of you loss and grieving?
QUOTE (Snapdragon @ Mar 28 2014, 04:48 AM) 
So the question I have of you is this, has the loss of your dearly-beloved, your grief, seemed to change either your relationships with some people, or how you feel about some people, or how you feel about people in general?
I’ve lost my Molly-girl. It’s hit me like a ton of bricks. The grief has been so, SO heavy and feels unbearable at times. I’ve wanted to die. But mostly, to the appearance of others I’ve kept any outward expression of my deep grief mostly to myself, though I do tell them I’m “heartbroken” over the loss.
To my surprise, I’m feeling a shift in the relationship I’m having with others…or, at least the way I feel about them. I have a few very close friends and a wide circle of “friends and acquaintances.” I’ve been telling people about Molly’s passing, mostly by email, sometimes in person, sometimes by phone. I’m so, SO very surprised by the individuals who say nothing. I tell them Molly died and that I am heartbroken over it and their response: nothing. Nada. Some don’t even say “oh, gee, I’m sorry.” They don’t even mention it at all. Really? I’m a little surprised by that. There are those who say they “are sorry” but nothing more, not asking how I am, that’s about it. There are a very few who really understand--and they are a God-send. They, along with this web-site, have buoyed me up through this.
So I ask this question of you, because I feel this is going to change my relationship with some people—maybe how I feel about people in general??? Not necessarily in a “bad” way, but in some kind of way for sure (probably not positive, though). I guess, if I were honest, I feel disappointed in the people who said nothing. I normally always give the benefit of the doubt to people; I’m always the person who understands why someone cut me off in traffic (I am always sure something’s going on in their life that is distracting them). So when someone says nothing, or little about the passing of my beloved pet, I have to believe that it is because it hits a nerve with them, or they’ve not gone through it, or it strikes fear in their hearts.
In addition to my very, very deep grief, I am also now feeling somewhat sad that I’m feeling that my relationships with some people will change. So not only have I lost my dearly-beloved friend, I’m in some way losing “other” parts of my life, as they were, as well. Frankly, I feel like my life will never be the same, even though I do hold some hope that this intense pain will let up with time, but somehow, I will never be the same. At this moment, life just feels oh-so sad, so very, very sad.
Does anyone have any thoughts on this? Your experience? Do you feel some relationships, or how you feel about people--either specifically or in generally, has changed as a result of you loss and grieving?
I’ve lost my Molly-girl. It’s hit me like a ton of bricks. The grief has been so, SO heavy and feels unbearable at times. I’ve wanted to die. But mostly, to the appearance of others I’ve kept any outward expression of my deep grief mostly to myself, though I do tell them I’m “heartbroken” over the loss.
To my surprise, I’m feeling a shift in the relationship I’m having with others…or, at least the way I feel about them. I have a few very close friends and a wide circle of “friends and acquaintances.” I’ve been telling people about Molly’s passing, mostly by email, sometimes in person, sometimes by phone. I’m so, SO very surprised by the individuals who say nothing. I tell them Molly died and that I am heartbroken over it and their response: nothing. Nada. Some don’t even say “oh, gee, I’m sorry.” They don’t even mention it at all. Really? I’m a little surprised by that. There are those who say they “are sorry” but nothing more, not asking how I am, that’s about it. There are a very few who really understand--and they are a God-send. They, along with this web-site, have buoyed me up through this.
So I ask this question of you, because I feel this is going to change my relationship with some people—maybe how I feel about people in general??? Not necessarily in a “bad” way, but in some kind of way for sure (probably not positive, though). I guess, if I were honest, I feel disappointed in the people who said nothing. I normally always give the benefit of the doubt to people; I’m always the person who understands why someone cut me off in traffic (I am always sure something’s going on in their life that is distracting them). So when someone says nothing, or little about the passing of my beloved pet, I have to believe that it is because it hits a nerve with them, or they’ve not gone through it, or it strikes fear in their hearts.
In addition to my very, very deep grief, I am also now feeling somewhat sad that I’m feeling that my relationships with some people will change. So not only have I lost my dearly-beloved friend, I’m in some way losing “other” parts of my life, as they were, as well. Frankly, I feel like my life will never be the same, even though I do hold some hope that this intense pain will let up with time, but somehow, I will never be the same. At this moment, life just feels oh-so sad, so very, very sad.
Does anyone have any thoughts on this? Your experience? Do you feel some relationships, or how you feel about people--either specifically or in generally, has changed as a result of you loss and grieving?
Hi Snapdragon - It's Mission's mom, again...Funny you should post this topic, as I, too, have felt the same thing since Mission has passed. I've seen both sides of people through this. And, to my surprise, some of my not-as-close friends have reacted and responded more so than those I thought I was closer to and had "expected" more support from.
I even ended up in an argument with my only sibling (sister) over it and hung up on her. She had called and, in my grief, I began to express anger...anger at everything bad seeming to happen one thing after another and that I just felt like ending it all. She responded that she couldn't believe I would want to "do myself in" over a cat. I tried to explain to her that it wasn't just the cat, I'd had such a horrible past year, losing several close friends, experiencing a severe infection in my hand (from a cat bite, no less!), being forced to move my horses to a new barn in the middle of winter and then my old horse not doing well, trouble with a nasty neighbor, accident with car, etc. and now another cat of mine going downhill who will likely need to be euthanized. I was angry and using the f-bomb and she told me she thinks she will end the conversation now as I seem pissed off. That's when I told her "Gee...thanks for all your support!" and hung up. She called back and told me she doesn't like using the f-bomb and never does and thought I was swearing at her. I told her I was just venting/swearing and not cursing at HER.
Regardless, she never even sent a card - which is unlike her. This has caused a rift now between us. We've patched things up because she lost her only child (her son) to brain cancer when he was just 22 years old. She sees this from a very different perspective - losing your child vs. a pet. I understand. BUT, I don't have children and my cats are like my children. I can't even imagine the pain of losing your child. But, regardless, I am in grief and when experiencing that painful loss - we all go through that process whether it be a beloved pet or losing a family member.
To me, you should still offer support when you know someone is grieving deeply like that. I now feel that, although I forgive her, I can't forget. And, when one of her cats passes, I doubt I will send a card, either. I will be there on the phone for support, as she was for me. But, I will go no further. You get back what you give out - as far as I'm concerned. I hate to be this way, but that is how I feel and I felt very "let down" by my own sister as well as a few other close friends who also, like you say, offered an "I'm so sorry" and that's about it.
Yet, on the other side, another friend that I don't know real well sent the most beautiful basket of fresh flowers the Saturday after Mission died. They were on my front porch and I just burst out crying they were so beautiful and thoughtful with the message...In Memory of Mission - he is now safe in God's arms.....So, besides dealing with extreme grief, I've felt every emotion in the aftermath of both disappointment in some people not offering more sympathy and support and delightful gratitude and appreciation for yet others I least expected to do things like this. Another friend got me the book I mentioned "Going Home: Finding Peace When Pets Die."
I've posted comments on FB too, pics and memorial to Mission - again, same thing. I got angry and actually posted out how disappointed I was in the fact that I try to post and comment on others pages and yet, in times like this, people still don't comment or offer support. I threatened to "unfriend" people and did - and others "unfriended" themselves after my comment. I then apologized and explained how hard this was for me - even though I had tried to prepare myself for his loss, the depth of my grief has been nothing like I had expected.....I miss my little bugger, my little bright eyes waiting patiently for me in the bedroom for his dinner (and, in the end, his mass of pills & meds.) His love was so unconditional and pure. I cry as I write this, as I know I will never "get over it".
But, I know, we all must move on. This is what Mission and Miss Molly would want, you know. They came into our lives for a reason, they enriched our lives, they brought us that pure and unconditional love. They were are earth angels. I believe they were then called back home as their mission on earth to be with us and be by our side was done. It was time for them to move on, as well. That is the only way I can help myself to get through this, is to think in that fashion.
Snapdragon, my heart goes out to you, I feel your grief as I grieve with you and we both lost our cats on the same day.....here again, maybe this was something they collaborated on to bring us together on this forum? Maybe they've met and made friends over the Rainbow Bridge.....Mission was a bit of a loner. He really didn't care to be around my other cats most of the time, which is another reason I kept him separate in my bedroom (besides the special food/medication needs and his immune system being weak.) But, I'd bet he would get along with one sweet little gal, like your Molly.... ;-)
QUOTE (Snapdragon @ Mar 28 2014, 04:48 AM)
So the question I have of you is this, has the loss of your dearly-beloved, your grief, seemed to change either your relationships with some people, or how you feel about some people, or how you feel about people in general?
I’ve lost my Molly-girl. It’s hit me like a ton of bricks. The grief has been so, SO heavy and feels unbearable at times. I’ve wanted to die. But mostly, to the appearance of others I’ve kept any outward expression of my deep grief mostly to myself, though I do tell them I’m “heartbroken” over the loss.
To my surprise, I’m feeling a shift in the relationship I’m having with others…or, at least the way I feel about them. I have a few very close friends and a wide circle of “friends and acquaintances.” I’ve been telling people about Molly’s passing, mostly by email, sometimes in person, sometimes by phone. I’m so, SO very surprised by the individuals who say nothing. I tell them Molly died and that I am heartbroken over it and their response: nothing. Nada. Some don’t even say “oh, gee, I’m sorry.” They don’t even mention it at all. Really? I’m a little surprised by that. There are those who say they “are sorry” but nothing more, not asking how I am, that’s about it. There are a very few who really understand--and they are a God-send. They, along with this web-site, have buoyed me up through this.
So I ask this question of you, because I feel this is going to change my relationship with some people—maybe how I feel about people in general??? Not necessarily in a “bad” way, but in some kind of way for sure (probably not positive, though). I guess, if I were honest, I feel disappointed in the people who said nothing. I normally always give the benefit of the doubt to people; I’m always the person who understands why someone cut me off in traffic (I am always sure something’s going on in their life that is distracting them). So when someone says nothing, or little about the passing of my beloved pet, I have to believe that it is because it hits a nerve with them, or they’ve not gone through it, or it strikes fear in their hearts.
In addition to my very, very deep grief, I am also now feeling somewhat sad that I’m feeling that my relationships with some people will change. So not only have I lost my dearly-beloved friend, I’m in some way losing “other” parts of my life, as they were, as well. Frankly, I feel like my life will never be the same, even though I do hold some hope that this intense pain will let up with time, but somehow, I will never be the same. At this moment, life just feels oh-so sad, so very, very sad.
Does anyone have any thoughts on this? Your experience? Do you feel some relationships, or how you feel about people--either specifically or in generally, has changed as a result of you loss and grieving?
I’ve lost my Molly-girl. It’s hit me like a ton of bricks. The grief has been so, SO heavy and feels unbearable at times. I’ve wanted to die. But mostly, to the appearance of others I’ve kept any outward expression of my deep grief mostly to myself, though I do tell them I’m “heartbroken” over the loss.
To my surprise, I’m feeling a shift in the relationship I’m having with others…or, at least the way I feel about them. I have a few very close friends and a wide circle of “friends and acquaintances.” I’ve been telling people about Molly’s passing, mostly by email, sometimes in person, sometimes by phone. I’m so, SO very surprised by the individuals who say nothing. I tell them Molly died and that I am heartbroken over it and their response: nothing. Nada. Some don’t even say “oh, gee, I’m sorry.” They don’t even mention it at all. Really? I’m a little surprised by that. There are those who say they “are sorry” but nothing more, not asking how I am, that’s about it. There are a very few who really understand--and they are a God-send. They, along with this web-site, have buoyed me up through this.
So I ask this question of you, because I feel this is going to change my relationship with some people—maybe how I feel about people in general??? Not necessarily in a “bad” way, but in some kind of way for sure (probably not positive, though). I guess, if I were honest, I feel disappointed in the people who said nothing. I normally always give the benefit of the doubt to people; I’m always the person who understands why someone cut me off in traffic (I am always sure something’s going on in their life that is distracting them). So when someone says nothing, or little about the passing of my beloved pet, I have to believe that it is because it hits a nerve with them, or they’ve not gone through it, or it strikes fear in their hearts.
In addition to my very, very deep grief, I am also now feeling somewhat sad that I’m feeling that my relationships with some people will change. So not only have I lost my dearly-beloved friend, I’m in some way losing “other” parts of my life, as they were, as well. Frankly, I feel like my life will never be the same, even though I do hold some hope that this intense pain will let up with time, but somehow, I will never be the same. At this moment, life just feels oh-so sad, so very, very sad.
Does anyone have any thoughts on this? Your experience? Do you feel some relationships, or how you feel about people--either specifically or in generally, has changed as a result of you loss and grieving?
Snapdragon,
You have posted a very interesting question which I am sure many of us are going to be able to relate to and express our feelings about. I know that losing my dear Jasper has definitely changed my relationships with some people, and has most surely had an affect on my feelings towards them. I know how hard it must have been for you to say goodbye to your Molly, and just like you, the loss of my Jasper hit me like a ton of bricks, brought me to my knees, and my life and my world will never ever be the same again.
There were a few friends who I really thought would be there for me in every way after such a huge loss as this, but they were not, and that totally surprised me. One of my so called friends, who I converse with online, and who I thought would be so compassionate and understanding, actually showed me that she did not have a clue as to what I was going through. It is so true that very often a person's true colors come out in the face of adversity. My first week after saying goodbye to my boy, I wrote to her about sometimes feeling his presence in my darkest hours, and how that had given me a little bit of comfort. Well she wrote back that she had lost many pets over the years, but she had never descended into such a dark place as I had, and she felt that I needed to stop visiting pet loss support sites as this, and that as long as I was, it would keep me from moving on. In other words, she was literally saying, get a grip, time to stop dwelling about it, and basically that I was being consumed by my grief. Well let me just say that this did not sit well with me, and that our relationship will never be the same. I never would have expected that response from her, and it totally shocked me. Well I did write her back because I wanted to let her know just what a lifesaver this forum has been to me, when everyone else bascially checked out and I felt so all alone, I would come here and I would find peace, and when every fiber of my being hurt so badly, I would come here, and I would find comfort. This forum was that little light at the end of the tunnel for me, and I really don't think I would have found my way out to the other side without it.
I found that when I tried to talk about my Jasper, that very often people would change the subject, and they would seem to feel just downright uncomfortable talking about him. Well I decided that I would write a long post on my facebook page about the importance of reaching out to those who have lost a beloved pet. I wrote that when someone suffers such a loss as we have, it would be so comforting to go out to the mailbox and find a sympathy card, it would be so good to get a phone call asking us how we are doing, and it would be so good for someone to just say that they know how much we loved our babies, and that they understood how very much they meant to us, just give us a shoulder to cry on, and let us talk about them. We so need to talk about them as they are still and always be such an important and vital part of our lives and our world.
There were many times when I just wanted to tell people that he was here, he is here, he mattered, he was and always be the light and the joy of my life, how in the world can some of you just act as though he was never even here ... just a cat some of them were thinking, oh I so beg to differ with you. He was my world, he was my baby. Then of course there were a few people who said, as soon as you get another cat, you will feel so much better, as though our dear companions could ever be replaced. I understand that sometimes you have to give people the benefit of the doubt, and quite often they may mean well in their reactions to our grief, but most of them don't even have a clue, and I suppose we just need to feel sorry for them that they will never have such a wonderful and special, and once in a lifetime connection with their pets, as we have. They may never know that loyal and unconditional love, that sweet innocence of those eyes looking up at us with complete and utter devotion, that wonderful and special bond we share with them, they will never know that, and that is very sad.
Thank you so much Snapdragon for bringing up this subject, it is one that so many of us can relate to in our interactions with family and friends, and their responses to our loss. I really do think that we all have been faced with insensitive remarks or callous indifference to our sadness, we all have been met with those people that just don't get it and never will, and when that happens, even though they may not mean to, it can sometimes feel as though they are not giving our sweet companions the respect and honor they so deserve. That is why I come here, you all get it, you all understand, and even though we may have loved and lost, we are the fortunate ones, because we were able to find that once in a lifetime connection with such a sweet and special little one. I cannot even imagine never knowing my Jasper, never having him in my life, never knowing that sweetness of his little soul, I would not trade one single day with him to avoid the despair of his loss, his life meant so much more than his death, he was here, he is here, he mattered.
QUOTE (jaspersmom @ Mar 28 2014, 10:55 AM)
Snapdragon,
You have posted a very interesting question which I am sure many of us are going to be able to relate to and express our feelings about. I know that losing my dear Jasper has definitely changed my relationships with some people, and has most surely had an affect on my feelings towards them. I know how hard it must have been for you to say goodbye to your Molly, and just like you, the loss of my Jasper hit me like a ton of bricks, brought me to my knees, and my life and my world will never ever be the same again.
There were a few friends who I really thought would be there for me in every way after such a huge loss as this, but they were not, and that totally surprised me. One of my so called friends, who I converse with online, and who I thought would be so compassionate and understanding, actually showed me that she did not have a clue as to what I was going through. It is so true that very often a person's true colors come out in the face of adversity. My first week after saying goodbye to my boy, I wrote to her about sometimes feeling his presence in my darkest hours, and how that had given me a little bit of comfort. Well she wrote back that she had lost many pets over the years, but she had never descended into such a dark place as I had, and she felt that I needed to stop visiting pet loss support sites as this, and that as long as I was, it would keep me from moving on. In other words, she was literally saying, get a grip, time to stop dwelling about it, and basically that I was being consumed by my grief. Well let me just say that this did not sit well with me, and that our relationship will never be the same. I never would have expected that response from her, and it totally shocked me. Well I did write her back because I wanted to let her know just what a lifesaver this forum has been to me, when everyone else bascially checked out and I felt so all alone, I would come here and I would find peace, and when every fiber of my being hurt so badly, I would come here, and I would find comfort. This forum was that little light at the end of the tunnel for me, and I really don't think I would have found my way out to the other side without it.
I found that when I tried to talk about my Jasper, that very often people would change the subject, and they would seem to feel just downright uncomfortable talking about him. Well I decided that I would write a long post on my facebook page about the importance of reaching out to those who have lost a beloved pet. I wrote that when someone suffers such a loss as we have, it would be so comforting to go out to the mailbox and find a sympathy card, it would be so good to get a phone call asking us how we are doing, and it would be so good for someone to just say that they know how much we loved our babies, and that they understood how very much they meant to us, just give us a shoulder to cry on, and let us talk about them. We so need to talk about them as they are still and always be such an important and vital part of our lives and our world.
There were many times when I just wanted to tell people that he was here, he is here, he mattered, he was and always be the light and the joy of my life, how in the world can some of you just act as though he was never even here ... just a cat some of them were thinking, oh I so beg to differ with you. He was my world, he was my baby. Then of course there were a few people who said, as soon as you get another cat, you will feel so much better, as though our dear companions could ever be replaced. I understand that sometimes you have to give people the benefit of the doubt, and quite often they may mean well in their reactions to our grief, but most of them don't even have a clue, and I suppose we just need to feel sorry for them that they will never have such a wonderful and special, and once in a lifetime connection with their pets, as we have. They may never know that loyal and unconditional love, that sweet innocence of those eyes looking up at us with complete and utter devotion, that wonderful and special bond we share with them, they will never know that, and that is very sad.
Thank you so much Snapdragon for bringing up this subject, it is one that so many of us can relate to in our interactions with family and friends, and their responses to our loss. I really do think that we all have been faced with insensitive remarks or callous indifference to our sadness, we all have been met with those people that just don't get it and never will, and when that happens, even though they may not mean to, it can sometimes feel as though they are not giving our sweet companions the respect and honor they so deserve. That is why I come here, you all get it, you all understand, and even though we may have loved and lost, we are the fortunate ones, because we were able to find that once in a lifetime connection with such a sweet and special little one. I cannot even imagine never knowing my Jasper, never having him in my life, never knowing that sweetness of his little soul, I would not trade one single day with him to avoid the despair of his loss, his life meant so much more than his death, he was here, he is here, he mattered.
You have posted a very interesting question which I am sure many of us are going to be able to relate to and express our feelings about. I know that losing my dear Jasper has definitely changed my relationships with some people, and has most surely had an affect on my feelings towards them. I know how hard it must have been for you to say goodbye to your Molly, and just like you, the loss of my Jasper hit me like a ton of bricks, brought me to my knees, and my life and my world will never ever be the same again.
There were a few friends who I really thought would be there for me in every way after such a huge loss as this, but they were not, and that totally surprised me. One of my so called friends, who I converse with online, and who I thought would be so compassionate and understanding, actually showed me that she did not have a clue as to what I was going through. It is so true that very often a person's true colors come out in the face of adversity. My first week after saying goodbye to my boy, I wrote to her about sometimes feeling his presence in my darkest hours, and how that had given me a little bit of comfort. Well she wrote back that she had lost many pets over the years, but she had never descended into such a dark place as I had, and she felt that I needed to stop visiting pet loss support sites as this, and that as long as I was, it would keep me from moving on. In other words, she was literally saying, get a grip, time to stop dwelling about it, and basically that I was being consumed by my grief. Well let me just say that this did not sit well with me, and that our relationship will never be the same. I never would have expected that response from her, and it totally shocked me. Well I did write her back because I wanted to let her know just what a lifesaver this forum has been to me, when everyone else bascially checked out and I felt so all alone, I would come here and I would find peace, and when every fiber of my being hurt so badly, I would come here, and I would find comfort. This forum was that little light at the end of the tunnel for me, and I really don't think I would have found my way out to the other side without it.
I found that when I tried to talk about my Jasper, that very often people would change the subject, and they would seem to feel just downright uncomfortable talking about him. Well I decided that I would write a long post on my facebook page about the importance of reaching out to those who have lost a beloved pet. I wrote that when someone suffers such a loss as we have, it would be so comforting to go out to the mailbox and find a sympathy card, it would be so good to get a phone call asking us how we are doing, and it would be so good for someone to just say that they know how much we loved our babies, and that they understood how very much they meant to us, just give us a shoulder to cry on, and let us talk about them. We so need to talk about them as they are still and always be such an important and vital part of our lives and our world.
There were many times when I just wanted to tell people that he was here, he is here, he mattered, he was and always be the light and the joy of my life, how in the world can some of you just act as though he was never even here ... just a cat some of them were thinking, oh I so beg to differ with you. He was my world, he was my baby. Then of course there were a few people who said, as soon as you get another cat, you will feel so much better, as though our dear companions could ever be replaced. I understand that sometimes you have to give people the benefit of the doubt, and quite often they may mean well in their reactions to our grief, but most of them don't even have a clue, and I suppose we just need to feel sorry for them that they will never have such a wonderful and special, and once in a lifetime connection with their pets, as we have. They may never know that loyal and unconditional love, that sweet innocence of those eyes looking up at us with complete and utter devotion, that wonderful and special bond we share with them, they will never know that, and that is very sad.
Thank you so much Snapdragon for bringing up this subject, it is one that so many of us can relate to in our interactions with family and friends, and their responses to our loss. I really do think that we all have been faced with insensitive remarks or callous indifference to our sadness, we all have been met with those people that just don't get it and never will, and when that happens, even though they may not mean to, it can sometimes feel as though they are not giving our sweet companions the respect and honor they so deserve. That is why I come here, you all get it, you all understand, and even though we may have loved and lost, we are the fortunate ones, because we were able to find that once in a lifetime connection with such a sweet and special little one. I cannot even imagine never knowing my Jasper, never having him in my life, never knowing that sweetness of his little soul, I would not trade one single day with him to avoid the despair of his loss, his life meant so much more than his death, he was here, he is here, he mattered.
Wow...Snapdragon and Jaspersmom - I think between the 3 of us, it seems we've experienced much of the same in the way of reactions and response from our friends and family over our losses...and we have felt much of the same sense of frustration, disappointment and dismay. We only want our feelings of loss and pain to be acknowledged.
I've become more and more cynical over time and just realize that people will be people. And, as the saying goes, "the more I know animals, the less I like people." Now, it seems harsh. But, the pure and unconditional love we give and receive between our beloved pets can't be compared to love between people that is so often marred with their own personal baggage they bring influenced by their own upbringing, genetics, & social circumstances, etc.
I feel better in a sense hearing this from you two and knowing that I am not alone in my thoughts and feelings about this. But, worse in a sense, as it continues to add to my cynicism. What I HAVE found is that people like us...who are genuine animals lovers are generally good, good decent and compassionate people. They understand what it is like to experience the loss of a beloved pet. Yet, some of my friends (and family) who really didn't respond as I had expected are also animal lovers and have lost pets of their own. So, I think it all boils down to how people handle it and what they are comfortable with in returning responses and reacting to you.
I've been surprised and delighted by some and miserably disappointed by others throughout my grieving and now have learned that I can no longer hold these kinds of expectations of people. Perhaps I need to change the way I grieve and grieve more privately, as one friend suggested - because many people are just not comfortable in being able to "comfort" someone else in their time of painful loss and extreme grief.
Anyway, if the two of you were in the room with me right now, I think we would do a group hug in support of each other to validate our feelings over our painful losses.
Hi, Snapdragon, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Like you, jaspersmom, and OnAMission, I, too, truly do understand how you're feeling about your relationships changing.
For many reasons my siblings and I have never been "close". One of the reasons is my feelings about my precious companions and ALL of God's creatures - - they are equally important to me, and in some cases more so, as my human relationships. I loved my mom very much. We had a good relationship with one another. She was not only my mom - - she was also my best friend. This said, even she could not "understand" my deep affection for, and in some cases preferences for, my precious companions. My older sister once told me how "inferior" I am because I love my precious companions as much as, and again in some cases more than, some people who are / have been a part of my life. And when I visit my brother and sister-in-law they always find some way to tell me how human relationships are "more important" than an "animal." Does this affect my relationship with them? Sadly, yes. Why? Because in their opinion I am "unacceptable" for who I am, and to be "acceptable" I have to change. BUT I have to accept THEM for who they are.
I have let my sister know that I have no intentions of changing to suit the whims of anyone else at any given time. If someone doesn't like me, that's okay. The only thing I ask is that others respect MY RIGHT to my feelings and treat with me equal respect.
In my older years I have become very selective with whom I share my personal life with and feelings with. I can honestly say this forum is a blessing for me where I can share my thoughts and feelings with others with whom I share a common bond of understanding and acceptance.
Does this mean I have no feelings for my siblings? Definitely not. I love them because they are my brothers and sisters. And part of loving someone is knowing their weaknesses as well as their strengths, and knowing what I can share with them and what I can't.
This is the difference between our human relationships and the relationships we have with our precious companions. Our companions accept us for who we are without reservation or judgment. And this is one of the many reasons why we are able to surrender ourselves to them without fear of judgment or rejection.
When we are in deep grief, NOTHING seems real, and we are very emotionally vulnerable to others and their choices to either support us, or not. If our relationship has been good prior to our loss, chances are once we come through the deep grief the relationship will be able to continue to be good. Only you can determine what type and level of relationship you want with others, Snapdragon. The best advice I can give you, as I give to myself, is a paraphrase from a quote from Shakespeare: "To thine own self be true" and in so doing, "thou canst not be false to any man."
I hope today is treating you kindly, Snapdragon, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Molly Rose's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
For many reasons my siblings and I have never been "close". One of the reasons is my feelings about my precious companions and ALL of God's creatures - - they are equally important to me, and in some cases more so, as my human relationships. I loved my mom very much. We had a good relationship with one another. She was not only my mom - - she was also my best friend. This said, even she could not "understand" my deep affection for, and in some cases preferences for, my precious companions. My older sister once told me how "inferior" I am because I love my precious companions as much as, and again in some cases more than, some people who are / have been a part of my life. And when I visit my brother and sister-in-law they always find some way to tell me how human relationships are "more important" than an "animal." Does this affect my relationship with them? Sadly, yes. Why? Because in their opinion I am "unacceptable" for who I am, and to be "acceptable" I have to change. BUT I have to accept THEM for who they are.
I have let my sister know that I have no intentions of changing to suit the whims of anyone else at any given time. If someone doesn't like me, that's okay. The only thing I ask is that others respect MY RIGHT to my feelings and treat with me equal respect.
In my older years I have become very selective with whom I share my personal life with and feelings with. I can honestly say this forum is a blessing for me where I can share my thoughts and feelings with others with whom I share a common bond of understanding and acceptance.
Does this mean I have no feelings for my siblings? Definitely not. I love them because they are my brothers and sisters. And part of loving someone is knowing their weaknesses as well as their strengths, and knowing what I can share with them and what I can't.
This is the difference between our human relationships and the relationships we have with our precious companions. Our companions accept us for who we are without reservation or judgment. And this is one of the many reasons why we are able to surrender ourselves to them without fear of judgment or rejection.
When we are in deep grief, NOTHING seems real, and we are very emotionally vulnerable to others and their choices to either support us, or not. If our relationship has been good prior to our loss, chances are once we come through the deep grief the relationship will be able to continue to be good. Only you can determine what type and level of relationship you want with others, Snapdragon. The best advice I can give you, as I give to myself, is a paraphrase from a quote from Shakespeare: "To thine own self be true" and in so doing, "thou canst not be false to any man."
I hope today is treating you kindly, Snapdragon, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Molly Rose's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
This topic is very timely for me and I've spent the last couple of days reeling from the realization that I have to deal with my pet's loss on my own. I lost my 14 year old chihuahua, Gus, just last Sunday...a mere 5 days ago. I don't really care much about my friends' reactions to my grief, Gus touched many people so I get the sad face posts on FB as a way of expressing their sorry. My challenge is that my partner is not an avid animal lover and I have already had to try and explain that my behavior this week has nothing to do with them. I just don't have the strength to try to make somebody else feel better because they feel distance between us. Gus was really high maintenance before he passed because of his medications, and I did 100% every single thing I could for him to include staying up with him all night and being by his side. And now that he is gone, I guess I am suddenly expected to turn all of my attention to my partner, but I am just too sad and depressed to have to make somebody else feel better.
I don't know if this will cause permanent damage, but I also know that right now, I simply don't care.
I don't know if this will cause permanent damage, but I also know that right now, I simply don't care.
Oh the tears! Thank you for writing. And...Molly was a very shy kitty, so yes, maybe Mission and Molly have met up and are having a gay ole time!
I am coming to believe that the loss of a person, the loss of a dearly beloved pet...no difference. I have often thought that the loss of a child must excruciating. But now losing Molly, this is a pain I had never known before. So are they equal?? --who knows. But I did read something, just today I think, talking about grieving and the pain of loss, that pain is pain, and all pain of this degree is 100% pain. The pain from a burn is the same pain, is it not, whether it be from a stove, a gas fire, a flat iron, an iron, a grill....the pain from a burn is the same pain, is it not? So I think of it like that. When Molly died, especially that first week or so, I truly, honestly, sincerely just wanted to die, the pain from losing her felt unbearable. Well, here I am two-plus weeks later, and I can't say the pain has lesson much at all. We're flying back to see my hubby's family back in Syracuse the end of April, and I was thinking about the travel and the thought crossed my mind that it's always possible that our plane could crash (I have no fear of flying) and the thought that then came to mind was actually one of relief, that I would die and not have to endure any more pain. So no, the pain is not really lessoning. And yes, I think the pain of the loss of a beloved pet can be as intense as a loss of a loved person.
Also, I've started looking at information on the internet about grieving in general, not just the loss of a pet, but grieving the loss of a person, because I believe, now, that there is little, if any, difference!
I am sorry about your sister...but I'm glad you "patched" things up with her. Even if things will never really be the same, even if you always remember the pain of her response... But I understand what you're saying. And no, things will never be quite the same, will they? And I guess this is partly what I'm saying/asking here, eh?, wondering how this experience changes our relationships. But what a joy that you were surprised by some people, by their concern, caring, and kindness. Going through this really makes your realize just how important kindness is in this work, huh? The older I get, the more I think all that matters is kindness. So, it is a joy to have at least those few who care and understand.
I have to tell you, your story of Mission is gut-wrenching. When you helped him in the litter pan, towards the end, I was just bawling. What love you had/have for him...I could just see it. He was SO lucky to have you. It just tears my heart out...that we love and lose these creatures. Hugs to you, Mission's mom.
I am coming to believe that the loss of a person, the loss of a dearly beloved pet...no difference. I have often thought that the loss of a child must excruciating. But now losing Molly, this is a pain I had never known before. So are they equal?? --who knows. But I did read something, just today I think, talking about grieving and the pain of loss, that pain is pain, and all pain of this degree is 100% pain. The pain from a burn is the same pain, is it not, whether it be from a stove, a gas fire, a flat iron, an iron, a grill....the pain from a burn is the same pain, is it not? So I think of it like that. When Molly died, especially that first week or so, I truly, honestly, sincerely just wanted to die, the pain from losing her felt unbearable. Well, here I am two-plus weeks later, and I can't say the pain has lesson much at all. We're flying back to see my hubby's family back in Syracuse the end of April, and I was thinking about the travel and the thought crossed my mind that it's always possible that our plane could crash (I have no fear of flying) and the thought that then came to mind was actually one of relief, that I would die and not have to endure any more pain. So no, the pain is not really lessoning. And yes, I think the pain of the loss of a beloved pet can be as intense as a loss of a loved person.
Also, I've started looking at information on the internet about grieving in general, not just the loss of a pet, but grieving the loss of a person, because I believe, now, that there is little, if any, difference!
I am sorry about your sister...but I'm glad you "patched" things up with her. Even if things will never really be the same, even if you always remember the pain of her response... But I understand what you're saying. And no, things will never be quite the same, will they? And I guess this is partly what I'm saying/asking here, eh?, wondering how this experience changes our relationships. But what a joy that you were surprised by some people, by their concern, caring, and kindness. Going through this really makes your realize just how important kindness is in this work, huh? The older I get, the more I think all that matters is kindness. So, it is a joy to have at least those few who care and understand.
I have to tell you, your story of Mission is gut-wrenching. When you helped him in the litter pan, towards the end, I was just bawling. What love you had/have for him...I could just see it. He was SO lucky to have you. It just tears my heart out...that we love and lose these creatures. Hugs to you, Mission's mom.
QUOTE (KellyMc @ Mar 28 2014, 12:39 PM)
This topic is very timely for me and I've spent the last couple of days reeling from the realization that I have to deal with my pet's loss on my own. I lost my 14 year old chihuahua, Gus, just last Sunday...a mere 5 days ago. I don't really care much about my friends' reactions to my grief, Gus touched many people so I get the sad face posts on FB as a way of expressing their sorry. My challenge is that my partner is not an avid animal lover and I have already had to try and explain that my behavior this week has nothing to do with them. I just don't have the strength to try to make somebody else feel better because they feel distance between us. Gus was really high maintenance before he passed because of his medications, and I did 100% every single thing I could for him to include staying up with him all night and being by his side. And now that he is gone, I guess I am suddenly expected to turn all of my attention to my partner, but I am just too sad and depressed to have to make somebody else feel better.
I don't know if this will cause permanent damage, but I also know that right now, I simply don't care.
I don't know if this will cause permanent damage, but I also know that right now, I simply don't care.
KellyMc - Not even a week for you. My heart really and truly goes out to you. I wish I were there. The first week after I lost Molly was a living hell. As you may have read, I really and truly just wanted to die. I prayed (really, I begged, I mean that) to die because the pain was so bad. Now I don't pray to be dead, but I if had my druthers, I would just die in my sleep or something. So yes, you are NOT alone. We, here in this forum, know how you feel--we're all going through this together.
And having to think of another person (i.e., partner), while we are grieving, is NOT a bowl full of cherries. My hubby has been really patient with me....he lover our Molly, for sure, but I don't know if it's just a guy thing, or just him, or what, but he is not going through grief that I am. In fact, we had the tv on tonight and there was a comedy on and he's laughing, a full belly laugh, and I think to myself: "...how can you be laughing???!!!" I let it go. And although I don't feel he's expecting a lot from me, and I feel like he's giving me "space," at the same time I don't feel like we're really "relating" right now. Often, when he talks to me, all I hear is "blah, blah, blah"....not to be rude, but it's like there's nothing he has to say that can interest me right now. Truth is, nothing anyone has to say means a lot to me right now. I just want to go into a corner and be left alone, completely alone, I'm in pain and I think I just want solitude right now. So I feel for you having a partner who is now looking to you for your attention. So I don't know what to say, not knowing you better. My inclination is to say to take care of yourself right now, tell your partner that you really, really just need some time and "space" to be with your grief. Sometimes when you tell someone that you "need" something, it's kind'a hard to argue with that. In any case, I hope it goes ok for you and doesn't make things worse. You can only do what you can do. But please, please DO write about your feelings her in this forum. I think it's a very safe place and I think getting your feelings out here is a good thing and will help.
Thank you for writing. You are cared about here. *hugs* - Molly's mom
Moon beam,
You are such a sweet, sweet, and oh-so loving person. It makes me sad that your family doesn't accept you 100% for who you are. But is that why, maybe, in part, we bond so closely with our fur-family?? This is an example, eh? It's funny, isn't it, how/why humans have such expectations of one another. But animals don't, do they? And as a result of going through this, I have come to believe that our love of our "pets," can be equally as deep and meaningful as those with our "people." I knew I loved my Molly-girl, but had no idea how bonded I'd become to her, but I did. So, there you go...
Well said: "Does this mean I have no feelings for my siblings? Definitely not. I love them because they are my brothers and sisters. And part of loving someone is knowing their weaknesses as well as their strengths, and knowing what I can share with them and what I can't." I guess we just have to understand, and come to terms with, the fact that people close to us, some of them will simply not "get" the love we have for our "pets." But I do have to say, I can understand someone not understanding the lover I have for my "pets," but I have a harder time with someone if they can't respect my feelings...that one is a little harder to get around. I think if you love someone, then you need to honor and respect their feelings, even if you don't understand. I learned some time ago that it's all about perception/feelings. That how a person "feels" about something is all that matters, even if it's not something you understand, if it matters to that person, that's what counts.
YES!: "This is the difference between our human relationships and the relationships we have with our precious companions. Our companions accept us for who we are without reservation or judgment. And this is one of the many reasons why we are able to surrender ourselves to them without fear of judgment or rejection."
Yes again: "When we are in deep grief, NOTHING seems real, and we are very emotionally vulnerable to others and their choices to either support us, or not. If our relationship has been good prior to our loss, chances are once we come through the deep grief the relationship will be able to continue to be good. Only you can determine what type and level of relationship you want with others, Snapdragon. The best advice I can give you, as I give to myself, is a paraphrase from a quote from Shakespeare: "To thine own self be true" and in so doing, "thou canst not be false to any man." "
I miss Molly terribly, horribly. I can't say I feel her spirit close by. All I feel is the emptiness of her not being in bed, or in my lap, or meowing, or demanding her bedtime snack, or seeing her bask in the sunlight, or chewing on a catnip mouse....all I feel right now is the emptiness of her absence. I miss her SO much. SO much. I am bewildered that it can hurt this much. I just feel so beat-up by the pain. If this pain had a physical manifestation, I would be black and blue, broken and bloodied. I have to hang on to any shred of hope that this stabbing pain will lesson, because surely I could not go on like this.
Thank you Moon beam, you are such a blessing to all of us. - Molly Rose's mom (snapdragon)
QUOTE (Snapdragon @ Mar 29 2014, 03:44 AM)
Oh the tears! Thank you for writing. And...Molly was a very shy kitty, so yes, maybe Mission and Molly have met up and are having a gay ole time!
I am coming to believe that the loss of a person, the loss of a dearly beloved pet...no difference. I have often thought that the loss of a child must excruciating. But now losing Molly, this is a pain I had never known before. So are they equal?? --who knows. But I did read something, just today I think, talking about grieving and the pain of loss, that pain is pain, and all pain of this degree is 100% pain. The pain from a burn is the same pain, is it not, whether it be from a stove, a gas fire, a flat iron, an iron, a grill....the pain from a burn is the same pain, is it not? So I think of it like that. When Molly died, especially that first week or so, I truly, honestly, sincerely just wanted to die, the pain from losing her felt unbearable. Well, here I am two-plus weeks later, and I can't say the pain has lesson much at all. We're flying back to see my hubby's family back in Syracuse the end of April, and I was thinking about the travel and the thought crossed my mind that it's always possible that our plane could crash (I have no fear of flying) and the thought that then came to mind was actually one of relief, that I would die and not have to endure any more pain. So no, the pain is not really lessoning. And yes, I think the pain of the loss of a beloved pet can be as intense as a loss of a loved person.
Also, I've started looking at information on the internet about grieving in general, not just the loss of a pet, but grieving the loss of a person, because I believe, now, that there is little, if any, difference!
I am sorry about your sister...but I'm glad you "patched" things up with her. Even if things will never really be the same, even if you always remember the pain of her response... But I understand what you're saying. And no, things will never be quite the same, will they? And I guess this is partly what I'm saying/asking here, eh?, wondering how this experience changes our relationships. But what a joy that you were surprised by some people, by their concern, caring, and kindness. Going through this really makes your realize just how important kindness is in this work, huh? The older I get, the more I think all that matters is kindness. So, it is a joy to have at least those few who care and understand.
I have to tell you, your story of Mission is gut-wrenching. When you helped him in the litter pan, towards the end, I was just bawling. What love you had/have for him...I could just see it. He was SO lucky to have you. It just tears my heart out...that we love and lose these creatures. Hugs to you, Mission's mom.
I am coming to believe that the loss of a person, the loss of a dearly beloved pet...no difference. I have often thought that the loss of a child must excruciating. But now losing Molly, this is a pain I had never known before. So are they equal?? --who knows. But I did read something, just today I think, talking about grieving and the pain of loss, that pain is pain, and all pain of this degree is 100% pain. The pain from a burn is the same pain, is it not, whether it be from a stove, a gas fire, a flat iron, an iron, a grill....the pain from a burn is the same pain, is it not? So I think of it like that. When Molly died, especially that first week or so, I truly, honestly, sincerely just wanted to die, the pain from losing her felt unbearable. Well, here I am two-plus weeks later, and I can't say the pain has lesson much at all. We're flying back to see my hubby's family back in Syracuse the end of April, and I was thinking about the travel and the thought crossed my mind that it's always possible that our plane could crash (I have no fear of flying) and the thought that then came to mind was actually one of relief, that I would die and not have to endure any more pain. So no, the pain is not really lessoning. And yes, I think the pain of the loss of a beloved pet can be as intense as a loss of a loved person.
Also, I've started looking at information on the internet about grieving in general, not just the loss of a pet, but grieving the loss of a person, because I believe, now, that there is little, if any, difference!
I am sorry about your sister...but I'm glad you "patched" things up with her. Even if things will never really be the same, even if you always remember the pain of her response... But I understand what you're saying. And no, things will never be quite the same, will they? And I guess this is partly what I'm saying/asking here, eh?, wondering how this experience changes our relationships. But what a joy that you were surprised by some people, by their concern, caring, and kindness. Going through this really makes your realize just how important kindness is in this work, huh? The older I get, the more I think all that matters is kindness. So, it is a joy to have at least those few who care and understand.
I have to tell you, your story of Mission is gut-wrenching. When you helped him in the litter pan, towards the end, I was just bawling. What love you had/have for him...I could just see it. He was SO lucky to have you. It just tears my heart out...that we love and lose these creatures. Hugs to you, Mission's mom.
Thanks for your support and understanding, as well, Snapdragon. It was a touching and beautiful end for his last hours, I know and it makes me all the more tearful being as bittersweet as it was.
Like you, I am still miserable and now regretting that I sent him off with my vet to be cremated - not really knowing for sure that he did get a private cremation and the ashes returned to me and clay paw print are REALLY his. It tears my heart out. But, then again, I wonder, how does ANYONE really know when their loved one, be it a person or pet is cremated - that this is who you are getting back - unless you watch the entire process right through. And, that, I don't think I could have done....
Yesterday I went and bought a silver heart locket. I put Mission's photo on one side and a small piece of some of his hair I had saved in the other. It has made me feel a little better that I am now carrying around a little part of him with me, and close to my heart. I think it will become my "permanent" jewelry now.
I am soooo soooo sorry for your loss, Snapdragon - if I haven't said it. We are all in such pain over our losses right now. This has been helpful connecting with others who are suffering through the same painful grief. I know I need to get up and out and start doing things to get my mind off of it and stop dwelling. But, at the same time, I just can't help it. The pain and the depression of the grief is still there. As you say, it really isn't lessening.
I'm having lots of self-talk going on as well as talking to Mission - greeting him in the morning in the bedroom and apologizing that I have been "neglecting" him and leaving him "alone" since I still am having a hard time being in the bedroom. I'm still sleeping most nights on the sofa and the other kitties pile around me - which helps some. But, they are not my sweet Mission boy - he just can never be replaced.
I hope you can find some time of peace this weekend, Snapdragon and all others posting in this forum who have been grieving so deeply - I wish that for you, as well......my thoughts are prayers are with you all.....
Snapdragon, I am so very sorry for your loss. Two weeks is hardly any time to pass, everything is still so fresh and raw. I remember I distanced myself from those people who were insensitive to my grief when I lost Danny and Tina. I just didn't want to be hurt even more. My brother was especially insensitive, but then again, he doesn't even like cats. I guess some people think that we can just replace our beloved fur kids as if they were a car or a fridge. Even though I adopted early, and only because I just couldn't stand the pain and HAD to get a new furry friend, it was still painful for quite some time. Mindy, who is a Tuxedo cat like Danny, gave me great comfort. She would touch my face with her paw and just lie beside me when I cried. But of course there is the realization that they are not the same and accepting that. It was very, very hard for me. And I was so cautious as to who I shared my grief with. This forum was sort of a lifeline for me after I lost Danny and then Tina. It was good to come on here and share and find compassionate listeners.
The loss of Tookie has definitely changed my perception of people and my relationships with them. It seems we're vastly shaping into a world where many friends/family/acquaintances feel that people should give them sympathy when they need it but offer none in return, and very few other rare souls as such the people on this forum that are still infused with empathy and compassion.
As a college student, I had to miss two days of school. I told my professors that I would not be making it in for the following school day (a Thursday) because I had to take my cat to the vets' office for steroids. On that Thursday, she passed away at home before the appointment. I had to spend the afternoon calling funeral homes two hours out of my way because Florida does not have any pet cemeteries. (We did not feel it was right to cremate our cat) The only available appointment I could make to see one funeral home (which was a horrifying disaster) was on the following Tuesday, another school day on which I had assignments due. I emailed my professors telling them that I could not make it because my cat had passed away, I needed to see about a funeral home, and could this be an excused absence. I was absolutely stunned by the different responses by my teachers. My film teacher who absolutely does not accept late assignments wished me well and said that I could turn in my assignment the following school day. My other teacher (who often speaks about her personal problems in class) argued with me via email not only about the validity of a funeral for my pet as being an excused absence, but if pets are beloved family members, and also my choice of a funeral rather than cremating her. She treated me with such cold calculation I was amazed when she told me that she had three cats prior and knows what I'm going through - but refused to give me an excused absence or compassion until I had to practically beg for it. It was absolutely terrible, and I'm still amazed by the role reversal of both teachers. I thought my film teacher would care less and give me a hard time, and instead he showed the most compassion.
There is a dramatic difference in the way people have treated my loss. As an owner of a blog, I made a personal post about Tookie and a few of my followers commented or made well wishes via other social media pages. One was very kind enough to continually message me with concern about how I've been doing - but I was surprised by how many people commented on other posts that weren't about Tookie as if this hardship wasn't occurring.
I made a committment to quit social media because I find it to be a horribly cruel and cold place to put my life on display. During the time of Tookie's worst of her last few days, I made a few posts on facebook in tribute to her. I felt like I needed to express her life and share it with others. The most I could have expected was that someone had gone through the same thing and I would be okay - just any small words of support. Only one of my four friends made a comment, and even his support was very abrupt. He asked me how I was doing "excluding the obvious stuff". I didn't know my cat's passing was obvious stuff. Everyone else continued to update their page about themselves and their lives, and that was it.
On the other end of the spectrum, I have been very blessed with the re-appearance of true friends. On a journaling site that I had not visited in four+ plus years (due to traumatic personal problems at home at the time of my forced departure from the site), I returned to make a brief post about Tookie's passing - in case I had talked about her on my journal and if my friends there had remembered those entries, I wanted them to know. I thought I would get zero responses, and instead, several friends who are still on the site wished me the most kind-hearted messages and requested to be my friend me wherever else I may be. They still keep in contact with me. When I spoke of my friends on facebook and my teachers, they are still there for me and treated other people's ignorant behaviors with bewilderment and shock. I know I'm not crazy now because other people have acknowledged "my other friends" inability to relate to someone else. I have definitely learned the meaning of friendship and support, and the type of true genuine heartfelt person I want to be in this cruel world of internet-mania where people have grown anonymous except in times of self-promotion.
As a college student, I had to miss two days of school. I told my professors that I would not be making it in for the following school day (a Thursday) because I had to take my cat to the vets' office for steroids. On that Thursday, she passed away at home before the appointment. I had to spend the afternoon calling funeral homes two hours out of my way because Florida does not have any pet cemeteries. (We did not feel it was right to cremate our cat) The only available appointment I could make to see one funeral home (which was a horrifying disaster) was on the following Tuesday, another school day on which I had assignments due. I emailed my professors telling them that I could not make it because my cat had passed away, I needed to see about a funeral home, and could this be an excused absence. I was absolutely stunned by the different responses by my teachers. My film teacher who absolutely does not accept late assignments wished me well and said that I could turn in my assignment the following school day. My other teacher (who often speaks about her personal problems in class) argued with me via email not only about the validity of a funeral for my pet as being an excused absence, but if pets are beloved family members, and also my choice of a funeral rather than cremating her. She treated me with such cold calculation I was amazed when she told me that she had three cats prior and knows what I'm going through - but refused to give me an excused absence or compassion until I had to practically beg for it. It was absolutely terrible, and I'm still amazed by the role reversal of both teachers. I thought my film teacher would care less and give me a hard time, and instead he showed the most compassion.
There is a dramatic difference in the way people have treated my loss. As an owner of a blog, I made a personal post about Tookie and a few of my followers commented or made well wishes via other social media pages. One was very kind enough to continually message me with concern about how I've been doing - but I was surprised by how many people commented on other posts that weren't about Tookie as if this hardship wasn't occurring.
I made a committment to quit social media because I find it to be a horribly cruel and cold place to put my life on display. During the time of Tookie's worst of her last few days, I made a few posts on facebook in tribute to her. I felt like I needed to express her life and share it with others. The most I could have expected was that someone had gone through the same thing and I would be okay - just any small words of support. Only one of my four friends made a comment, and even his support was very abrupt. He asked me how I was doing "excluding the obvious stuff". I didn't know my cat's passing was obvious stuff. Everyone else continued to update their page about themselves and their lives, and that was it.
On the other end of the spectrum, I have been very blessed with the re-appearance of true friends. On a journaling site that I had not visited in four+ plus years (due to traumatic personal problems at home at the time of my forced departure from the site), I returned to make a brief post about Tookie's passing - in case I had talked about her on my journal and if my friends there had remembered those entries, I wanted them to know. I thought I would get zero responses, and instead, several friends who are still on the site wished me the most kind-hearted messages and requested to be my friend me wherever else I may be. They still keep in contact with me. When I spoke of my friends on facebook and my teachers, they are still there for me and treated other people's ignorant behaviors with bewilderment and shock. I know I'm not crazy now because other people have acknowledged "my other friends" inability to relate to someone else. I have definitely learned the meaning of friendship and support, and the type of true genuine heartfelt person I want to be in this cruel world of internet-mania where people have grown anonymous except in times of self-promotion.
QUOTE (OnAMission @ Mar 29 2014, 05:52 AM)
Like you, I am still miserable and now regretting that I sent him off with my vet to be cremated - not really knowing for sure that he did get a private cremation and the ashes returned to me and clay paw print are REALLY his. It tears my heart out. But, then again, I wonder, how does ANYONE really know when their loved one, be it a person or pet is cremated - that this is who you are getting back - unless you watch the entire process right through. And, that, I don't think I could have done....
Yesterday I went and bought a silver heart locket. I put Mission's photo on one side and a small piece of some of his hair I had saved in the other. It has made me feel a little better that I am now carrying around a little part of him with me, and close to my heart. I think it will become my "permanent" jewelry now.
I am soooo soooo sorry for your loss, Snapdragon - if I haven't said it. We are all in such pain over our losses right now. This has been helpful connecting with others who are suffering through the same painful grief. I know I need to get up and out and start doing things to get my mind off of it and stop dwelling. But, at the same time, I just can't help it. The pain and the depression of the grief is still there. As you say, it really isn't lessening.
I'm having lots of self-talk going on as well as talking to Mission - greeting him in the morning in the bedroom and apologizing that I have been "neglecting" him and leaving him "alone" since I still am having a hard time being in the bedroom. I'm still sleeping most nights on the sofa and the other kitties pile around me - which helps some. But, they are not my sweet Mission boy - he just can never be replaced.
I hope you can find some time of peace this weekend, Snapdragon and all others posting in this forum who have been grieving so deeply - I wish that for you, as well......my thoughts are prayers are with you all.....
Yesterday I went and bought a silver heart locket. I put Mission's photo on one side and a small piece of some of his hair I had saved in the other. It has made me feel a little better that I am now carrying around a little part of him with me, and close to my heart. I think it will become my "permanent" jewelry now.
I am soooo soooo sorry for your loss, Snapdragon - if I haven't said it. We are all in such pain over our losses right now. This has been helpful connecting with others who are suffering through the same painful grief. I know I need to get up and out and start doing things to get my mind off of it and stop dwelling. But, at the same time, I just can't help it. The pain and the depression of the grief is still there. As you say, it really isn't lessening.
I'm having lots of self-talk going on as well as talking to Mission - greeting him in the morning in the bedroom and apologizing that I have been "neglecting" him and leaving him "alone" since I still am having a hard time being in the bedroom. I'm still sleeping most nights on the sofa and the other kitties pile around me - which helps some. But, they are not my sweet Mission boy - he just can never be replaced.
I hope you can find some time of peace this weekend, Snapdragon and all others posting in this forum who have been grieving so deeply - I wish that for you, as well......my thoughts are prayers are with you all.....
OnAMission,
We had Molly cremated also. Our vet said the place who does this very sensitive and respectful of all of the animals, which made me feel better. I also bought a piece of jewelry, to remember Molly with, an urn pendant. I have not worn it yet, don’t know why. I was thinking when I started wearing it, I’d never take it off, which may still happen. I also have a locket in which I want to place some of her fur. Like you, I am thinking it would be nice to have her “close to my heart.” Your heart locket sounds really sweet…with the picture of Mission.
Yes, I hear what you’re saying…I have also thought that I should get up and out and start doing something….it actually feels better to be out of the house, but it’s hard, hard, hard, I just don’t want to do anything.
Yes, that is the sad thing, isn’t it, knowing that there will NEVER be another Molly, NEVER be another Mission. Never, never, never…. This grieving is harsh and brutal, isn’t it!?
QUOTE (OnAMission @ Mar 28 2014, 01:13 PM)
Wow...Snapdragon and Jaspersmom - I think between the 3 of us, it seems we've experienced much of the same in the way of reactions and response from our friends and family over our losses...and we have felt much of the same sense of frustration, disappointment and dismay. We only want our feelings of loss and pain to be acknowledged.
I've become more and more cynical over time and just realize that people will be people. And, as the saying goes, "the more I know animals, the less I like people." Now, it seems harsh. But, the pure and unconditional love we give and receive between our beloved pets can't be compared to love between people that is so often marred with their own personal baggage they bring influenced by their own upbringing, genetics, & social circumstances, etc.
I feel better in a sense hearing this from you two and knowing that I am not alone in my thoughts and feelings about this. But, worse in a sense, as it continues to add to my cynicism. What I HAVE found is that people like us...who are genuine animals lovers are generally good, good decent and compassionate people. They understand what it is like to experience the loss of a beloved pet. Yet, some of my friends (and family) who really didn't respond as I had expected are also animal lovers and have lost pets of their own. So, I think it all boils down to how people handle it and what they are comfortable with in returning responses and reacting to you.
I've been surprised and delighted by some and miserably disappointed by others throughout my grieving and now have learned that I can no longer hold these kinds of expectations of people. Perhaps I need to change the way I grieve and grieve more privately, as one friend suggested - because many people are just not comfortable in being able to "comfort" someone else in their time of painful loss and extreme grief.
Anyway, if the two of you were in the room with me right now, I think we would do a group hug in support of each other to validate our feelings over our painful losses.
I've become more and more cynical over time and just realize that people will be people. And, as the saying goes, "the more I know animals, the less I like people." Now, it seems harsh. But, the pure and unconditional love we give and receive between our beloved pets can't be compared to love between people that is so often marred with their own personal baggage they bring influenced by their own upbringing, genetics, & social circumstances, etc.
I feel better in a sense hearing this from you two and knowing that I am not alone in my thoughts and feelings about this. But, worse in a sense, as it continues to add to my cynicism. What I HAVE found is that people like us...who are genuine animals lovers are generally good, good decent and compassionate people. They understand what it is like to experience the loss of a beloved pet. Yet, some of my friends (and family) who really didn't respond as I had expected are also animal lovers and have lost pets of their own. So, I think it all boils down to how people handle it and what they are comfortable with in returning responses and reacting to you.
I've been surprised and delighted by some and miserably disappointed by others throughout my grieving and now have learned that I can no longer hold these kinds of expectations of people. Perhaps I need to change the way I grieve and grieve more privately, as one friend suggested - because many people are just not comfortable in being able to "comfort" someone else in their time of painful loss and extreme grief.
Anyway, if the two of you were in the room with me right now, I think we would do a group hug in support of each other to validate our feelings over our painful losses.
Hi OnAMission,
First of all, let me tell you how very sorry I am for the loss of your sweet boy Mission, what a beautiful and handsome boy he is. You are so right that between the three of us, you, Snapdragon, and myself, that we have experienced much of the same reactions and responses from our friends and family over our losses, and that it can be quite frustrating and very disappointing when those closest to us just don't seem to get it, and can't understand the depth of our grief. What you wrote is so correct "we only want our feelings of pain and loss to be acknowledged." Let me just say that truer words were never spoken.
I too have been happily surprised by some, and yet so sadly disappointed by others who I thought would have been there for me in every way throughout this. For some reason, very often people feel so uncomfortable talking about this, maybe it confirms their uneasiness and discomfort about their own pet's mortality, and they just want to put the heartbreaking fact that very often we will outlive our dear pets somewhere far away in their heart and mind. Maybe by not talking about it, they can put it in the back recesses of their thoughts, and not have to deal with the possibility of losing one of their own companions. and then of course there are those that just don't feel the special connection and bond with their wonderful pets, as we do, and even though we are hurting, we still are the lucky ones in that respect. I could never have imagined losing my Jasper, especially at such a young age, but I do know one thing, whenever a friend or family member would suffer such a terrible loss, I would always send them a card, I would call them, I would ask them if they wanted to talk about their pet, I would really try to be there for them in every sense of the word, not ever being able to imagine the darkness and struggle that I myself was about to face.
OnAMission, I hope you are doing well and finding some comfort as the days go by, and I am so glad that you are going to be staying with us on this forum. Your posts are filled with such insight, understanding, and compassion, and give so many of us encouragement, even though I know you are in such pain yourself. We are all hurting, we are all in pain, but it is so good to know that we don't have to go through this alone. Thank you so much for writing, and oh yes, a group hug is definitely in order.
QUOTE (Snapdragon @ Mar 28 2014, 04:48 AM)
So the question I have of you is this, has the loss of your dearly-beloved, your grief, seemed to change either your relationships with some people, or how you feel about some people, or how you feel about people in general?
I’ve lost my Molly-girl. It’s hit me like a ton of bricks. The grief has been so, SO heavy and feels unbearable at times. I’ve wanted to die. But mostly, to the appearance of others I’ve kept any outward expression of my deep grief mostly to myself, though I do tell them I’m “heartbroken” over the loss.
To my surprise, I’m feeling a shift in the relationship I’m having with others…or, at least the way I feel about them. I have a few very close friends and a wide circle of “friends and acquaintances.” I’ve been telling people about Molly’s passing, mostly by email, sometimes in person, sometimes by phone. I’m so, SO very surprised by the individuals who say nothing. I tell them Molly died and that I am heartbroken over it and their response: nothing. Nada. Some don’t even say “oh, gee, I’m sorry.” They don’t even mention it at all. Really? I’m a little surprised by that. There are those who say they “are sorry” but nothing more, not asking how I am, that’s about it. There are a very few who really understand--and they are a God-send. They, along with this web-site, have buoyed me up through this.
So I ask this question of you, because I feel this is going to change my relationship with some people—maybe how I feel about people in general??? Not necessarily in a “bad” way, but in some kind of way for sure (probably not positive, though). I guess, if I were honest, I feel disappointed in the people who said nothing. I normally always give the benefit of the doubt to people; I’m always the person who understands why someone cut me off in traffic (I am always sure something’s going on in their life that is distracting them). So when someone says nothing, or little about the passing of my beloved pet, I have to believe that it is because it hits a nerve with them, or they’ve not gone through it, or it strikes fear in their hearts.
In addition to my very, very deep grief, I am also now feeling somewhat sad that I’m feeling that my relationships with some people will change. So not only have I lost my dearly-beloved friend, I’m in some way losing “other” parts of my life, as they were, as well. Frankly, I feel like my life will never be the same, even though I do hold some hope that this intense pain will let up with time, but somehow, I will never be the same. At this moment, life just feels oh-so sad, so very, very sad.
Does anyone have any thoughts on this? Your experience? Do you feel some relationships, or how you feel about people--either specifically or in generally, has changed as a result of you loss and grieving?
I’ve lost my Molly-girl. It’s hit me like a ton of bricks. The grief has been so, SO heavy and feels unbearable at times. I’ve wanted to die. But mostly, to the appearance of others I’ve kept any outward expression of my deep grief mostly to myself, though I do tell them I’m “heartbroken” over the loss.
To my surprise, I’m feeling a shift in the relationship I’m having with others…or, at least the way I feel about them. I have a few very close friends and a wide circle of “friends and acquaintances.” I’ve been telling people about Molly’s passing, mostly by email, sometimes in person, sometimes by phone. I’m so, SO very surprised by the individuals who say nothing. I tell them Molly died and that I am heartbroken over it and their response: nothing. Nada. Some don’t even say “oh, gee, I’m sorry.” They don’t even mention it at all. Really? I’m a little surprised by that. There are those who say they “are sorry” but nothing more, not asking how I am, that’s about it. There are a very few who really understand--and they are a God-send. They, along with this web-site, have buoyed me up through this.
So I ask this question of you, because I feel this is going to change my relationship with some people—maybe how I feel about people in general??? Not necessarily in a “bad” way, but in some kind of way for sure (probably not positive, though). I guess, if I were honest, I feel disappointed in the people who said nothing. I normally always give the benefit of the doubt to people; I’m always the person who understands why someone cut me off in traffic (I am always sure something’s going on in their life that is distracting them). So when someone says nothing, or little about the passing of my beloved pet, I have to believe that it is because it hits a nerve with them, or they’ve not gone through it, or it strikes fear in their hearts.
In addition to my very, very deep grief, I am also now feeling somewhat sad that I’m feeling that my relationships with some people will change. So not only have I lost my dearly-beloved friend, I’m in some way losing “other” parts of my life, as they were, as well. Frankly, I feel like my life will never be the same, even though I do hold some hope that this intense pain will let up with time, but somehow, I will never be the same. At this moment, life just feels oh-so sad, so very, very sad.
Does anyone have any thoughts on this? Your experience? Do you feel some relationships, or how you feel about people--either specifically or in generally, has changed as a result of you loss and grieving?
Dear SnapDragon, I came across your posting some time later and you might not ever see this reply of mine, but I will reply irregardless. First, I'm terribly sorry about your loss and I hope by now you are at peace with the situation. What else can you hope for. I learned along time ago that you would be extremely lucky to have ONE 'True Friend' in life. One who 'Read You' like you 'Read Them' like a book. One who would send you a card, one who would call to see how you were doing after your loss, etc.. This would be an extremely rare happening, for, this 'True Friend' would have to have many prerequisits to qualify, one being that they too were 'True Pet Lovers' whom would do anything to make their best friend well again.
Unfortunately, in the end, you are literally 'On Your Own'. You can't discuss your loss with 'ANYONE', EXCEPT, with your Vet. That IS IT! A lot of times your Vet will develope a close relationship with your companion, especially if there have been many medical issues, especially life threatening ones requiring lengthy maintenance. YOU and your Lost Companion are the ONLY ONES that 'KNOW'......Know everything about your special relationship from the time you woke in the AM, till the time you went to sleep. The very strongest bond I think, is when you've raised your companion from a puppy/kitten. THEY become 'YOU', THEY learn your language, THEY know your every move, THEY listen for noises/clues to your every move and respond accordingly. AND when they are gone forever, not another soul could EVER fathom your loss EXCEPT ONLY 'You and Your Beloved Friend'. Not even your Vet or 'True Friend' would 'KNOW' 'WHY' you are in such pain.
Yes, it becomes a very cruel world after such a loss.....it is so terribly sad and lonely as time marches on. Time is not a friend. If only I could turn the clock back. If only 'Love Alone' could have saved/cured my one and only 'True Friend'. I have thought many times that my only salvation was to crawl into a hole and die. Someway, somehow, you just pick up the pieces and attempt to move forward with bleeding wounds that really never heal. They will only heal via yourself, not from anyone else.
Take Care,
Earl
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