On Sunday 23 Mar 14, I had to make the gut wrenching and guilt-ridden decision to hold my tiny Chihuahua in my arms while he took his last breath. I can't function, and I see that I am not alone. I feel I go through all five stages of grief multiple times during the day, over and over. I still get up twice a night to check on him, I even walk down to the front door to let his spirit out because I feel him the most when I am still caring for him. I have lost pets before, but it never felt like this, and it is tearing out my soul. I just want the days to pass so that I can start to feel like living again.

I miss him so much.

KellyMc-

No, you are not alone!! I would never wish this intense of a pain on anyone, but I have to say, hearing others' stories has been such a help to me. I had NO idea about this kind of grieving.

Molly Rose (whom I lost just two weeks ago) was getting up there in age, she was 16, and I knew the day I would lose her was coming, but I thought I'd have a few more years, and when it did come, it felt like my world was coming to an end. Two weeks for me and, although I seem to manage through my days, I just feel dead inside. The pain of losing Molly is beyond anything I could have imagined. The first week I thought I was going to die from the pain, actually I wished I would die, it felt just too hard to bear. But I do believe people when they say it will change, that we can survive this. So no, you're definitely not alone. Hugs - Snapdragon

Hi, Kelly, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Gus. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Kelly, this grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity - - it is a journey that is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. It is a journey that cannot be reconciled in a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month, or even 6 months - - for you are now on a journey that is filled with all the first withouts and the memories that can be all too painful right now that include "this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year" to endure. It is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time in your own way and in your own time.

Please let me reassure you that it is perfectly okay for you to continue to do the routines you normally did while your beloved Gus was physically with you. It is imperative that you do what YOU feel comfortable doing to help you through the painful physical, and emotional, adjustment to the absence of your beloved Gus. Eventually as your deep grief eases you will be able to find "new normals" that you will feel comfortable with.

Although the adjustment to the physical loss of your beloved Gus is a very painful one, there is one thing that will never change - - the love bond you and your beloved Gus share. Love is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Gus' sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey as he always has and always will - - for he always and forever a part of your heart and memories, Kelly - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know all too well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Gus with us, Kelly. Perhaps you will feel up to sharing a picture of him with us - - but only when / if you want to. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Kelly, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

KellyMC,
I am so very sorry that you had to say goodbye to your beloved doggie, and I so understand how you feel, as I lost my dear cat Jasper, who was only seven years old, on February 3rd. I also had to make a very painful and heart wrenching decision, I had to love him enough to let him go. His illness came on him so suddenly, and I tried so hard to save him, but I could not watch him suffer anymore. I held him in my lap, kissed his little head, and told him he could go to the light, and to wait for me there, never ever have I felt such despair and complete devastation as I walked out of that animal hospital with his empty carrier, and it is the hardest thing I have ever done or ever will do. I also have gone through all the five stages of grief, and I am not even sure which one I am in right now, there is no rhyme or reason to these stages, it is all what our hearts will allow us to process, and it is so very individual, but one thing is universal, and that is the hurt and the deep down sadness, we all feel that, and we all understand, you are not alone in this. I miss my sweet boy so much and would go to the ends of the earth to bring him back, so I can so relate to the depth of your love for your little chihuhua. Even though my Jasper was an indoor cat, every single night before I go to bed, I open my front door and look outside, as though someway, somehow, he is out there somewhere, and he is coming home, when in all reality, I know he is not, but it is just something I need to do to get through this. Well it looks to me as though Heaven needed another little angel, Heaven is a little brighter now, and I really hope that you know that your little one is never far away from you, he is always watching over you, just on the other side of the rainbow.

Hi, Kelly
I'm so very sorry for your loss. We are here for you. Thank you for sharing your story of Gus. I lost Tookie over a little two weeks ago, and I still find myself going through different routines we had in tribute to her spirit and our time together. This is a perfectly normal thing because someone that we spent our lives with is gone in the physical form but forever remain in our hearts. Something that has stuck with me is that a friend suggested that the time of passing is a time of rest for them. Please know that Gus loved you and all the time he spent with you - this pain may last a while but the love you have for him will always be close to you and you may find that in time the memories that cause heartache of loss now will grow to be good reminders not filled with as much pain. *hugs*

Hello Kelly, my heart goes out to you over the loss of your sweet little Gus. I love Chihuahuas, they are such cute little dogs and I love their big eyes. They have the most adorable faces. I am very sorry for your loss. Losing a beloved fur kid is the worst kind of pain, and the first few days and weeks are the worst to go through. I had such chest pains the day I lost my Danny that I surely thought my heart would burst. I kept looking at his favorite napping places and it hurt oh so much to not see him there. I kept looking for him for days, and I was so distraught and in so much pain. You have my deepest sympathies. Please take comfort in the fact that Gus was in your loving arms when he died and that he is no longer in pain. I believe the most precious gift we can give our fur kids is to be with them and hold them when their time has come.

Good morning Gus's mom

Your title just broke my heart. It's been almost three years since my Gretta, the kindest chocolate lab who ever lived, went to the Perffect Word, and just a little over a year since my Rufus, a half black lab/half Newfie followed. A day does not go by that I do not shed at least one tear and sometime many more for them. I am so glad that you know that Little Gus is still there with you. His spirit is where his physical body once was. So your letting his spirit out at night had real meaning. It's NOT just a kooky gesture. Gus loves you just as much as ever and he is watching over you just as he as always done. The hole in your heart will eventually paper itself over with the thinnest of paper, but I think these holes will remain with us until we meet our fur-babies in that Perfect World, never to be separated again.

Have a gentle day.

Gretta and Rufus's mom

Thank you Gretta's Mom! I don't think I have ever cried so hard, holding his tiny little body while he took his last breath. My tears actually soaked his head, I will always remember that. The only part that felt ok was knowing that he was finally with his big sister who had passed from the same health problem 2 years ago (congestive heart failure). And I pictured them running after each other again like they did when they were younger. I can honestly say that I am not afraid of the day when my spirit is released to meet with them again, and I honor their memories every single day. I keep waking up to check on him every night...then I realize that I probably woke up because he is now checking in on me.

thanks for your kind words and heart felt thoughts!

Gus's mom,

Crying again reading your post. I understand what you're saying "I don't think I have ever cried so hard..." It's a cry that just comes from your gut, doesn't it? it's a very, very physical cry...it's your soul in severe pain.

And yes! just hold onto that picture of Gus and his big sister off running together, in bliss, having fun, playing. We do know that they are no longer in pain. And it was touching that you are now waking up because he is checking on you now!

I totally understand what you're saying when you say "...I am not afraid of the day when my spirit is released..."

Our hearts go out to you. We all know the utter emptiness you feel in your heart because of Gus' absence.

- Molly's mom