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MillieAngel
I wrote recently about my dog Millie... she started to have seizures, which I soon found out were due to a brain tumour. sad.gif
The vet prescribed some steroids to take down any inflammation and said she may surprise us and live another year. Well it was going ok for about a week and a half. Millie was loving her walks, food, cuddles etc... Until two nights ago she had another seizure which she never really came out of, she was twitching, drooling, her little paw kept giving way, within half hour she had another big seizure, so rushed her to the emergency vets, they said they could give her something to possibly bring her out of it. When they took her out the back to give her an IV, the vet came back to say she'd just had another seizure in the meantime and that it would be unfair at this point to let her go on sad.gif
She bought Millie back to say goodbye and she started to wag her tail, thinking she was coming home :'(
When they took her away, she was looking at me with her ears up as if to say "where am I going, aren't i coming home with you?" And I couldn't take it, I screamed for her and tried to get her back, but my brother held me against the wall so I couldn't, as they knew it was her time to go.

When we got home I couldn't go back into my house, I couldn't bear to see where she had those seizures, where she was laying before she had one... can't bear to sleep in my bed, where Millie's dent is still in her blanket on the end of it.
I've come to a friends in London, beautiful weather on the river and my whole world is black! A deep sadness and feeling of emptiness.
I don't know how I'm going to go home and face it all.
I know some people are so strong in these times and I'm really not holding out so well! I miss her so much, my heart physically hurts, I can't swallow food, just soup.
She was my best friend, she was always by my side... followed me everywhere. 13 years she honoured me with her heartwarming presence that got me through many good and bad times. It's the end of a chapter which I just can't bear to close. Please, somebody take this heartache away!
moon_beam
Hi, MillieAngel, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Millie. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

MillieAngel, this grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity both emotionally and physically. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling and experiencing is very normal physical symptoms of deep grief when you share with us: "my whole world is black! A deep sadness and feeling of emptiness. my heart physically hurts, I can't swallow food, just soup. I don't know how I'm going to go home and face it all."

Clinical professionals recognize that both the physical and emotional grief journey for the physical loss of a beloved companion is the same as for a human family member or friend. It is vitally important that you take care of yourself physically during this time of deep grief because your body is coping with an enormous amount of stress. You have experienced a severe traumatic event - - and clinical professionals recognize that the physical loss of a beloved companion IS a traumatic event. Consequently, your body is functioning now in "survival mode" - - which is why you cannot tolerate normal meals right now - - only soup, which is why your heart literally physically hurts, which is why you are feeling the "fight or flight" survival mechanism - - which is why you cannot face going home right now - - and a myriad of other VERY REAL symptoms of the trauma of physically losing your beloved Millie.

Sadly, no one has the power to take this pain away from you, MillieAngel. This grief journey can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time in your own way and in your own time - - for you are now on a journey that is filled with all the first withouts and the memories that can be all too painful right now that include "this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year" to endure.

But I assure you, MillieAngel, you do not travel this grief adjustment journey alone. Each of us here DO understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. And I assure you, MillieAngel, this deep piercing pain of sorrow will eventually ease, and you will eventually feel strong enough to go back home, and you will eventually be able to feel the warmth of your many treasured memories you and your beloved Millie share fill your heart once again.

Until this moment in time comes for you, MillieAngel, I hope you will be able to find comfort in knowing that the love bond you and your beloved Millie share is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Millie's sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey now as she always has and always will, for she is always and forever a part of your heart and memories - - she is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I do know all too well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of sorrow that is in our hearts. Still I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so very much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Millie with us, and this wonderful picture of your beloved little girl. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, MillieAngel, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
kk0711
QUOTE (MillieAngel @ Mar 17 2014, 05:29 AM) *
I wrote recently about my dog Millie... she started to have seizures, which I soon found out were due to a brain tumour. sad.gif
The vet prescribed some steroids to take down any inflammation and said she may surprise us and live another year. Well it was going ok for about a week and a half. Millie was loving her walks, food, cuddles etc... Until two nights ago she had another seizure which she never really came out of, she was twitching, drooling, her little paw kept giving way, within half hour she had another big seizure, so rushed her to the emergency vets, they said they could give her something to possibly bring her out of it. When they took her out the back to give her an IV, the vet came back to say she'd just had another seizure in the meantime and that it would be unfair at this point to let her go on sad.gif
She bought Millie back to say goodbye and she started to wag her tail, thinking she was coming home :'(
When they took her away, she was looking at me with her ears up as if to say "where am I going, aren't i coming home with you?" And I couldn't take it, I screamed for her and tried to get her back, but my brother held me against the wall so I couldn't, as they knew it was her time to go.

When we got home I couldn't go back into my house, I couldn't bear to see where she had those seizures, where she was laying before she had one... can't bear to sleep in my bed, where Millie's dent is still in her blanket on the end of it.
I've come to a friends in London, beautiful weather on the river and my whole world is black! A deep sadness and feeling of emptiness.
I don't know how I'm going to go home and face it all.
I know some people are so strong in these times and I'm really not holding out so well! I miss her so much, my heart physically hurts, I can't swallow food, just soup.
She was my best friend, she was always by my side... followed me everywhere. 13 years she honoured me with her heartwarming presence that got me through many good and bad times. It's the end of a chapter which I just can't bear to close. Please, somebody take this heartache away!


I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful Millie, she really was gorgeous! You don't need to be "strong", this is a heart wrenching loss and you hurt so much because you loved her so much and still do. Be kind to yourself and try and take care of yourself. The first few days are the hardest on our bodies. I couldn't eat for the first few days right after we lost Ari and my husband finally had to practically force feed me. Journal about her, memorialize her, and grieve when you need to for the loss of Millie. She was beautiful and precious, and she loved you as much as you loved her.
Snapdragon
Oh-my-god...I made it through the day without crying, until I read your story. Now I'm sobbing. Your Millie is such a beautiful, beautiful pup. My heart breaks for you, for your loss. I know your pain as I just lost my cat of 16 years last week, Molly, and I felt like I was going to die. Still, the pain is indescribable. Truly, I mean this, I wished I was dead rather than suffer the pain of that loss. And I imagine you are feeling the same. I felt like I would have paid any amount of money to free me from that pain, or to have Molly back. I loved her SO, so much. I don't feel like I have any other words of comfort other than I feel your pain. When you described looking at the dent in the bed where she was lying, I just balled; and the experience at the ER vet. I just know what you're going though, it's hell. Really. I sincerely do feel for/with you. Please keep telling us how you're doing.
MillieAngel
Thanks again Moon Beam, for your kind words, I really hope to meet my Millie on the other side someday. I hope I'm good enough to get where she has gone, as she was a real angel smile.gif

kk0711 - Thank you so much, she was so beautiful, and I will miss her so much. I have to pick her ashes up, and feel so sad that she is now dust, I know you shouldn't think like that, but I just can't help it sad.gif I'm so devastated. How are you coping now? Did it get a bit better for you?

Snapdragon - I'm so sorry to hear about your loss, and for making you cry sad.gif Wow, 16 years is a long time! How are you feeling now may I ask? It's been 4 days since I lost my little dog and I still don't feel any better, I;m not crying as much, but today I had this sense of terror that came over me, I don't know, like I was going to lose my mind! I was so scared, it feels like my world is surreal, nothing seems right and I'm scared I'll have a breakdown or something sad.gif not sure if this is part of the grieving process or I've actually cried, been so overwhelmed, I;ve shocked my body and messed my mind up!
Did you get this bad? A lady I know lost her lovely little dog and she was so sad, but managed to go back to work in 1 day! I'm not strong like that.
I can't get the horrible images of my poor sweet angels last moments alive, going through all that, the seizures were awful and she was really suffering :'(

Sorry for such negative posts, I hope so much to one day just have happy, beautiful memories but right now not doing good at all!

I hope you both have found some relief from your suffering. God bless x
moon_beam
Hi, MillieAngel, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling and experiencing is very normal when you share with us: "I can't get the horrible images of my poor sweet angels last moments alive, going through all that, the seizures were awful and she was really suffering."

Scientific studies prove that our brains are like computer memory chips. When we witness or experience a traumatic event - - including the final moments of our beloved companion's transition journey to the angels - - this event gets imprinted on our brain, and it continually "replays" in our memories as we try to process the event in an attempt to reconcile what happened. This is known as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Hopefully as your deep grief eases you will also find that your "flash backs" to the trauma of your beloved Millie's seizures will ease so that you can focus your thoughts on the many treasured memories you and your beloved Millie share.

There is a technique you can do that may help until the flash backs ease. The technique takes effort and time, but it does help. When you begin to find yourself focusing on the final moments of your beloved Millie's seizures, you need to deliberately re-direct your thoughts to something else that is more pleasant. It's a process of de-sensitizing your memories of Millie's seizures. Does this mean that you will forget these memories? No, - - but it will help to ease the trauma of these painful memories and the stress remembering them has on your mind and body.

I hope today is treating you kindly, MillieAngel, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Millie's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
Snapdragon
MillieAngel,
I was spared by Molly not suffering. I FEEL for you with the memories. I find, now, that when memories of Molly (and these are good memories) start to come to mind that I just block them out—to purposefully think of her now it still just waaaay too painful. Yesterday was one week since her death, and I have to say that that the intensity of the pain is just maybe a wee wee bit less—but not much!! I think mostly I just block out as much as I can. But yes, the first several days/week, the pain was intense, stabbing, horrible, I just wanted to die!!! Really. I had to watch who I said that to (that I wanted to die). I told maybe two people that, close friends here in town, and they totally didn’t get it, they thought it was horrible that I would say that. I told that to a close friend who is out-of-state, who lost her husband two years ago and went thought a really rough grieving process, and she totally got it, she knew exactly what I meant when I said I wanted to die—that the pain feels utterly unbearable and that I just wished, wished, wished I could die. The morning is worse for me; I wake up and my first thought is “ugh—I have to make it through another day.” I still actually wish I was dead, the pain of missing Molly is horrible. So yes, I understand what you’re saying about going crazy. Losing your mind. Losing it. Somehow, I think we just have to put one foot in front of another, nothing else to do. And suffer. But everyone, everyone, tells me it will get better. Those who have been through it tell me they still choke up, years later, whenever they think or talk about their loss, but that it does get better. Please keep telling us how you’re doing. I do think talking about it here does help.
jaspersmom
QUOTE (MillieAngel @ Mar 17 2014, 06:29 AM) *
I wrote recently about my dog Millie... she started to have seizures, which I soon found out were due to a brain tumour. sad.gif
The vet prescribed some steroids to take down any inflammation and said she may surprise us and live another year. Well it was going ok for about a week and a half. Millie was loving her walks, food, cuddles etc... Until two nights ago she had another seizure which she never really came out of, she was twitching, drooling, her little paw kept giving way, within half hour she had another big seizure, so rushed her to the emergency vets, they said they could give her something to possibly bring her out of it. When they took her out the back to give her an IV, the vet came back to say she'd just had another seizure in the meantime and that it would be unfair at this point to let her go on sad.gif
She bought Millie back to say goodbye and she started to wag her tail, thinking she was coming home :'(
When they took her away, she was looking at me with her ears up as if to say "where am I going, aren't i coming home with you?" And I couldn't take it, I screamed for her and tried to get her back, but my brother held me against the wall so I couldn't, as they knew it was her time to go.

When we got home I couldn't go back into my house, I couldn't bear to see where she had those seizures, where she was laying before she had one... can't bear to sleep in my bed, where Millie's dent is still in her blanket on the end of it.
I've come to a friends in London, beautiful weather on the river and my whole world is black! A deep sadness and feeling of emptiness.
I don't know how I'm going to go home and face it all.
I know some people are so strong in these times and I'm really not holding out so well! I miss her so much, my heart physically hurts, I can't swallow food, just soup.
She was my best friend, she was always by my side... followed me everywhere. 13 years she honoured me with her heartwarming presence that got me through many good and bad times. It's the end of a chapter which I just can't bear to close. Please, somebody take this heartache away!


Hi MillieAngel. I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious doggie Millie, she is absolutely beautiful and so very sweet, and I know how very much you miss her. I feel the pain and the heartache in your words, and I can so relate to your feelings, as I lost my dear cat Jasper at the tender age of seven, due to a sudden illness which came and took my once strong and healthy boy away in a space of three days. The doctors could not offer me a definite diagnosis, but it was something neurological, and I will never know what it actually was that took him from me so suddenly. I used to go over and over it in my mind, trying to figure out what happened to my big beautiful boy, he was so young and vibrant, and I felt so cheated out of so many years with him, but I finally stopped looking for answers, as it would not do the one thing I wanted more than anything, it would not bring him back to me.

I wish I could ease your sorrow, but I did want to let you know that you will not always feel this sharp and intense grief, it will subside somewhat as time goes by, but oh my gosh, I remember those first few days like they were yesterday. It was so hard just to breathe, and I just kept reliving my sweet Jasper's last days when he was so sick, and his last moments when I held him and kissed his little head, and told him he had fought the good fight, and it was okay for him to go to the light. I kept hitting the instant replay in my mind over and over again, it was like a broken record that I could not stop, so I really do understand how difficult that part is, we seem to get stuck in that awful replay mode of the traumatic experience. Slowly as the days passed, those hauntingly clear memories of his last few days when he was so very sick, began to fade ever so slightly, and they began to turn into spurts of our happy and special times together, but this did not happen right away, and it took every fiber of my being to keep going. I just wanted to let you know that I so understand where you are right now, and you will not always be there, the sadness will always be there, but the sharpness of the hurt and pain will ease up just a bit.

I can tell by your words how very much you love your Millie, and she knows how much she is loved, and I do believe that they are right beside us, watching over us and guiding us, every step of the way. I do remember that in my darkest hours, when I didn't think I could walk another step, when I didn't think I could go on another moment, I felt Jasper's presence so very close to me, our special connection was and is one that is unbreakable, as yours is with your Millie. I loved my Jasper more than life itself, he was and is the light of my life, and even though I hurt so badly at times, I know I will see him again, when my journey here is over, and I will scoop him up in my arms, and I will tell him through happy tears, how I have carried him with me, every single moment of every single day. You will see your sweet Millie again, of this I am sure, dear little ones such as ours who gave so much love, and left so much love behind, could never just disappear, they are just on the other side of the rainbow, waiting for us.




MillieAngel
It's been 3 weeks today since I lost my Millie and I still feel an unbearable sense of loss! My coping mechanisms are rubbish, I still haven't managed to sleep in my bed, and I still imagine she is around, like when I go shopping or go away, I still think she will be in the window waiting with her gorgeous little face that everybody used to comment on passing by.

She helped me so much in life, I'm quite an anxious person in general, and Millie helped me through some tough times (although looking back they weren't tough as I had all my loved ones around) now after all the grieving, crying, disbelief, I feel like I'm ever so slightly depressed and anxious and I don't have my baby to help me get out of it!

Did anyone else rely on their pets like this? I don't really get along with humans in general... I do love and cherish a select few so very dearly, and when I meet genuinely nice people I make an effort with them to keep them around... but people disappoint me so much, I watch them litter, kill, steal. fight, disrespect the earth and my faith in humanity is lost especially now.

Anyway I know that my perspective is all distorted right now, I hope this changes, but 3 weeks on and still an intense sadness and loss.

How are you all coping now? Hope you have found some relief. God bless.
moon_beam
Hi, MillieAngel, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please permit me to try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief when you share with us: "It's been 3 weeks today since I lost my Millie and I still feel3 weeks on and still an intense sadness and loss. an unbearable sense of loss! My coping mechanisms are rubbish, I still haven't managed to sleep in my bed, and I still imagine she is around, like when I go shopping or go away, I still think she will be in the window waiting with her gorgeous little face that everybody used to comment on passing by. . . . now after all the grieving, crying, disbelief, I feel like I'm ever so slightly depressed and anxious . . . "

MillieAngel, you are still in the throes of very deep grief, and because of this NOTHING in your life makes any sense. When we are in deep grief, we are very vulnerable emotionally - - we literally have very little control over our emotions and what we are thinking. And because we have little control, this raises the anxiety levels which makes coping even under the most simplest of situations difficult.

It is extremely important that you try to keep the anxiety levels as low as possible right now. It is important not to make any life changing decisions - - unless it is a matter of immediate survival for you or for someone else who is in your care. It is important that you try to get rest and to get nourishment - - even if all you can bear to swallow right now is some broth frequently during the day. Your body is literally in "survival mode" right now. Grieving is very stressful on the body and the stress of grieving lowers your immune system.

With regard to your question: "She helped me so much in life, I'm quite an anxious person in general, and Millie helped me through some tough times. . . Did anyone else rely on their pets like this?" INDEED, I know how you're feeling, MillieAngel. My companions have always been my very special best friends throughout my life, although I have enjoyed special friendships in a different way with other people at times in my life. But my companions have ALWAYS been there for me when people have not - - for whatever reason. And this came to be a reality many years ago as I was going through a very prolonged and difficult recovery and rehab from serious and life changing injuries. My canine companion who was with me during those years, Samson, became my "therapy companion" - - literally - - and he helped me through a period of the darkest depression I have ever known in my life.

Our companions look deep into our hearts and souls, MillieAngel, and they embrace us into the depths of their sweet perfect hearts and spirits. They are our precious angels during their their earthly journey, and they continue to be our Guardian Angels when they precede us to eternal joy.

So once again, MillieAngel, please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling and experiencing is very normal deep grief. And I promise you it will not always be this way. Unforrtunately, though, there is no easy way to navigate this grief journey - - there are no fast forward or delete buttons you can press that will speed up the process or make it instantaneously disappear. The only way through this grief journey is one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time, in your own way and in your own time - - with the reassurance that you are not alone - - with the promise that we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us - - to share with you the not so bad days, the not so good days, and the days when it feels like your heart is literally breaking from the burden of your deepest sorrow.

I hope today is treating you kindly, MillieAngel, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Millie's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
MillieAngel
moon_beam - I just want to say thank you for all your help, from being part of this board I have seen your contributions to each and every post and that alone restores my faith in humanity, the fact hat there are people out there who are kind hearted, who empathise and want to dedicate their free time to help others in need, and I thank you for that. God Bless.
Snapdragon
QUOTE (MillieAngel @ Apr 5 2014, 09:29 AM) *
It's been 3 weeks today since I lost my Millie and I still feel an unbearable sense of loss! My coping mechanisms are rubbish, I still haven't managed to sleep in my bed, and I still imagine she is around, like when I go shopping or go away, I still think she will be in the window waiting with her gorgeous little face that everybody used to comment on passing by.

She helped me so much in life, I'm quite an anxious person in general, and Millie helped me through some tough times (although looking back they weren't tough as I had all my loved ones around) now after all the grieving, crying, disbelief, I feel like I'm ever so slightly depressed and anxious and I don't have my baby to help me get out of it!

Did anyone else rely on their pets like this? I don't really get along with humans in general... I do love and cherish a select few so very dearly, and when I meet genuinely nice people I make an effort with them to keep them around... but people disappoint me so much, I watch them litter, kill, steal. fight, disrespect the earth and my faith in humanity is lost especially now.

Anyway I know that my perspective is all distorted right now, I hope this changes, but 3 weeks on and still an intense sadness and loss.

How are you all coping now? Hope you have found some relief. God bless.


Thank you for your post, MilliesAngel. I totally relate!!! My Molly was my anchor! and now she's gone. Her absence is painful beyond words. Seriously, I really cannot adequately describe how empty life feels without her. Although I am getting through my days, on the inside the pain is just horrible. I also feel "ever so slightly depressed." I feel like this sad, dark, empty feeling in my heart ALL day, every minute. I feel like life will never be "ok" again....people tell me that will change, but for right now, life just feels pretty black. I kind's just feel like my life has just fallen completely apart...without Molly.

Oh, and I do want to say that I agree, that grief has a physical manifestation. I sleep like ten hours a day now, and even when I do get up in the morning, I have FORCE myself out of bed. Honestly, I feel like I would stay in bed all day if I could. And I have NO physical energy--normally I'm pretty physically active--walking, hiking, biking, but now I don't want to even move at all. Some nights I'd have a glass or two of wine, thinking that might take the edge off of the pain, but it doesn't--doesn't even really touch it (the pain). So yes, grief is a physical thing as well as an emotional thing. Thank you for posting again, really!
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