Hello, and thank you. I really just need somewhere, even for a bit, to talk and feel connected as my one constant companion for the last 9 years has left me. My cat Yumi (pronounced YouMe) had to be let go last night after a few days of struggled breathing. I feel the need to get out how the whole weekend went leading to the choice that was made.
It hurts so much, because I tried so hard. Any time in the past I took her in the doctors told me she was so healthy and so sweet and so beautiful (she was a black and white ragdoll type). Suddenly last week she started having issues sneezing and being raspy. My boyfriend and I planned to take her to his regular vet the next town over Saturday. But Wednesday night she started wheezing and I barely slept, checking her breathing when she wasn't wheezing and trying to comfort her when she did. I don't drive, and my boyfriend was traveling for work, so my first day off, Friday, I got her in her carrier and walked the mile and a half to the nearest vet. I was so scared, but I was assuring myself that doing this for her showed how much I cared and that I would be rewarded with an easy diagnosis. Unfortunately she started open mouth breathing on the trip and they put her on oxygen for a few hours.
At first I was told asthma and pneumonia, then just pneumonia, then possibly heart failure (ultimately they just didn't know as she wasn't responding to anything they gave her but being in the oxygen tank). I had to move her to an emergency vet overnight, it upset me because on the trip she actually seemed to calm down (maybe thinking we were going home). When I picked her up she seemed a little worse than when I left her. Then getting her home I gave her the meds and she panicked for about 15 minutes before breathing a bit better, but it only lasted so long. We had her home one night and had to readmit her Sunday when she couldn't calm down and she started drooling excessively. The vet that visit, from the top told me she didn't look good and euthanasia was possible. She still responded well to oxygen, but that was all, medication and human contact returned her to struggled breathing. I got a call 9:15 p.m. or so telling me that the humane thing would be to let her go and that I could come that night or the next morning. I didn't want to try to sleep all night on the thought of her another night in a strange place without me, barely breathing well, knowing I'd be letting her go first thing in the morning and make that choice right before my boyfriend would be on the road again for a few nights. So I said that night, and I went in, after about 20 minutes crying at home.
So this morning I passed on my classes, my boyfriend held me for a while before he had to leave. I've just been drinking water, trying to think of what will help me sleep. For the last three years I had Yumi, or I was visiting my boyfriend, and it really took him being there to sleep without her being close. My cat was still my constant even when I was otherwise on my own. But now, when my boyfriend leaves for work I'm going to be truly alone for the first time in 9 years (aside from a study abroad that was a month long, and that stressed Yumi out so much I felt horrible and never wanted to go more than a week away).
Any suggestions to sleep? Things to occupy my mind when I can't think about school work? Also, how do others balance the task of putting/giving away their stuff versus keeping it around in memory?
Also, due to the lack of information and answers through the vet's tests, I feel like I should have pushed harder to know what did it, for closure. Lastly, does anyone else have an experience that supports my choice? I always thought about her passing peacefully at home in another 5-7 years at least. I felt like I betrayed her and the fight she was putting up by signing those papers. I couldn't watch her struggle again, I knew things would be too difficult to bring her home for constant nursing with my schedule (I felt bad enough that we only had evenings together really), but I wanted her comfortable at home, even understanding that the comfort part wasn't possible in this case. I just loved her so much, and she was so attached, that now even sitting at my laptop only draws attention to her not being in my lap or curled up next to me, dropping down to her food bowl and turning around to jump back on the bed. I keep seeing shadows and flickers that make me think it's her and then I remember. Worst of all I'm pretty far from any friends other than those I see at school, and I don't want to break down at school talking to any of them about this when I have about 6 hours till I'm home. Then I'm home, and where I'd normally find Yumi sleeping and she'd wake up to acknowledge me and get some pets and curl up over homework or a movie, now I just put my stuff down and find something to do without that comfort. I do a lot of crafts; knit, cross-stitch, garden, draw, etc., but she was such a part of that even if she was just trying to get in the middle of it I cry without her presence.
Full Version: My Friend, Baby, And Constant Companion Has Passed
Hi, Sapphire, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Yumi. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.
Sapphire, this grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is a journey that is filled with many different emotions that can overwhelm us all at one time - - it is a journey that is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. This journey cannot be reconciled in a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month, or even 6 months - - for you are now on a journey that is filled with all the first withouts and the memories that can be all too painful right now that include "this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year" to endure. It is a journey that needs time to reconcile all the "whys" and "if onlys" that haunt our heart and soul during our deepest grief.
Sapphire, it is perfectly clear from what you share with us that you did everything in your power to give your beloved Yumi a happy and healthy earthly journey, and your beloved Yumi is eternally grateful to you for your ultimate sacrifice to put her needs first when she was suffering and veterinary medicine no longer had the ability to restore her to a good quality of life. I know this is of little comfort to you, but I hope and pray that as your deep grief eases you will be able to find peace in your heart that your beloved Yumi is forever grateful to have you for her Forever Mom.
Also, please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling and experiencing is very normal deep grief - - very painful both emotionally and physically, yes - - still very normal. Grieving is both emotionally and physically exhausting, so it is important that you do not take on more than what you can handle right now. Symptoms of stress include lack of appetite, insomnia - - or the continued feeling of lack of energy even after sleeping, inability to concentrate, a lack of control of emotions, etc.. As your deep grief eases, so will these symptoms. But until you begin to feel your deep grief easing it is important that you just focus on what is absolutely necessary and not make any major life changing decisions unless it is absolutely necessary for your safety.
In the midst of your deep sorrow as you adjust to the physical absence of your beloved Yumi, there is one thing that will never change - - the love bond you and your beloved Yumi share. Love is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Yumi's sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey as she always has and always will - - for she is always and forever a part of your heart and memories, Sapphire - - she is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.
And because she continues to be a part of your earthly journey, there will be times when you may very well "keep seeing shadows and flickers that make me think it's her." Many of us here have moments when we hear our beloved companions walking on the floor with the sound of the cllcking of their nails, or hear their sweet meow or bark, or feel them jumping up onto the furniture or off the furniture, rubbing against us - - and other ways our beloved companions let us know they are visiting. No, we cannot see them, but we can still feel their Presence when they allow us to. I hope and pray you will find comfort from the moments when your beloved Yumi lets you know she is still close to you.
I know all too well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.
Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Yumi with us, Sapphire. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing a picture of her with us - - but only when / if you want to. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
Sapphire, this grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is a journey that is filled with many different emotions that can overwhelm us all at one time - - it is a journey that is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. This journey cannot be reconciled in a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month, or even 6 months - - for you are now on a journey that is filled with all the first withouts and the memories that can be all too painful right now that include "this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year" to endure. It is a journey that needs time to reconcile all the "whys" and "if onlys" that haunt our heart and soul during our deepest grief.
Sapphire, it is perfectly clear from what you share with us that you did everything in your power to give your beloved Yumi a happy and healthy earthly journey, and your beloved Yumi is eternally grateful to you for your ultimate sacrifice to put her needs first when she was suffering and veterinary medicine no longer had the ability to restore her to a good quality of life. I know this is of little comfort to you, but I hope and pray that as your deep grief eases you will be able to find peace in your heart that your beloved Yumi is forever grateful to have you for her Forever Mom.
Also, please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling and experiencing is very normal deep grief - - very painful both emotionally and physically, yes - - still very normal. Grieving is both emotionally and physically exhausting, so it is important that you do not take on more than what you can handle right now. Symptoms of stress include lack of appetite, insomnia - - or the continued feeling of lack of energy even after sleeping, inability to concentrate, a lack of control of emotions, etc.. As your deep grief eases, so will these symptoms. But until you begin to feel your deep grief easing it is important that you just focus on what is absolutely necessary and not make any major life changing decisions unless it is absolutely necessary for your safety.
In the midst of your deep sorrow as you adjust to the physical absence of your beloved Yumi, there is one thing that will never change - - the love bond you and your beloved Yumi share. Love is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Yumi's sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey as she always has and always will - - for she is always and forever a part of your heart and memories, Sapphire - - she is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.
And because she continues to be a part of your earthly journey, there will be times when you may very well "keep seeing shadows and flickers that make me think it's her." Many of us here have moments when we hear our beloved companions walking on the floor with the sound of the cllcking of their nails, or hear their sweet meow or bark, or feel them jumping up onto the furniture or off the furniture, rubbing against us - - and other ways our beloved companions let us know they are visiting. No, we cannot see them, but we can still feel their Presence when they allow us to. I hope and pray you will find comfort from the moments when your beloved Yumi lets you know she is still close to you.
I know all too well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.
Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Yumi with us, Sapphire. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing a picture of her with us - - but only when / if you want to. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
Thank you moon_beam. Today has been especially hard, being that the decision was last night and I don't have a lot of people near to talk with and feel better. I called my mom, probably the only person that knows Yumi as well and as long as I do. She recalled some happier moments, details of her personality, etc. She was a real show-off, impressing my dad who originally didn't want free-roaming pets like cats and dogs, and she even made my brother who is autistic feel comfortable. I knew there was an issue if she didn't really want anything to do with someone, but others always felt the desire to admire and pet her.
I wish now that she were here to insist on sitting in my lap and entangle herself in my crafts for all the times I was busy or my legs were uncomfortable and I preferred to keep her next to me or in another spot of hers. I feel like I should clean my space up, but then I'll just wait for her to come investigate and may quit when it doesn't happen and I think of all the times and things to do that will now always be, at least physically, without her. I'm in an often lonely situation, and she was my biggest comfort when I felt extremely lonely and unproductive.
I also found a small gallery from Christmas that had some pictures of her I had forgotten about. She wasn't much for photos, and many that I got created an ominous glow of the eyes, but in some ways I found it fitting of the big, bold, sometimes demanding personality of hers. Thank you for asking, there is a photo of her attached.
I wish now that she were here to insist on sitting in my lap and entangle herself in my crafts for all the times I was busy or my legs were uncomfortable and I preferred to keep her next to me or in another spot of hers. I feel like I should clean my space up, but then I'll just wait for her to come investigate and may quit when it doesn't happen and I think of all the times and things to do that will now always be, at least physically, without her. I'm in an often lonely situation, and she was my biggest comfort when I felt extremely lonely and unproductive.
I also found a small gallery from Christmas that had some pictures of her I had forgotten about. She wasn't much for photos, and many that I got created an ominous glow of the eyes, but in some ways I found it fitting of the big, bold, sometimes demanding personality of hers. Thank you for asking, there is a photo of her attached.
QUOTE (SapphireD910 @ Mar 3 2014, 03:38 PM) 
Hello, and thank you. I really just need somewhere, even for a bit, to talk and feel connected as my one constant companion for the last 9 years has left me. My cat Yumi (pronounced YouMe) had to be let go last night after a few days of struggled breathing. I feel the need to get out how the whole weekend went leading to the choice that was made.
It hurts so much, because I tried so hard. Any time in the past I took her in the doctors told me she was so healthy and so sweet and so beautiful (she was a black and white ragdoll type). Suddenly last week she started having issues sneezing and being raspy. My boyfriend and I planned to take her to his regular vet the next town over Saturday. But Wednesday night she started wheezing and I barely slept, checking her breathing when she wasn't wheezing and trying to comfort her when she did. I don't drive, and my boyfriend was traveling for work, so my first day off, Friday, I got her in her carrier and walked the mile and a half to the nearest vet. I was so scared, but I was assuring myself that doing this for her showed how much I cared and that I would be rewarded with an easy diagnosis. Unfortunately she started open mouth breathing on the trip and they put her on oxygen for a few hours.
At first I was told asthma and pneumonia, then just pneumonia, then possibly heart failure (ultimately they just didn't know as she wasn't responding to anything they gave her but being in the oxygen tank). I had to move her to an emergency vet overnight, it upset me because on the trip she actually seemed to calm down (maybe thinking we were going home). When I picked her up she seemed a little worse than when I left her. Then getting her home I gave her the meds and she panicked for about 15 minutes before breathing a bit better, but it only lasted so long. We had her home one night and had to readmit her Sunday when she couldn't calm down and she started drooling excessively. The vet that visit, from the top told me she didn't look good and euthanasia was possible. She still responded well to oxygen, but that was all, medication and human contact returned her to struggled breathing. I got a call 9:15 p.m. or so telling me that the humane thing would be to let her go and that I could come that night or the next morning. I didn't want to try to sleep all night on the thought of her another night in a strange place without me, barely breathing well, knowing I'd be letting her go first thing in the morning and make that choice right before my boyfriend would be on the road again for a few nights. So I said that night, and I went in, after about 20 minutes crying at home.
So this morning I passed on my classes, my boyfriend held me for a while before he had to leave. I've just been drinking water, trying to think of what will help me sleep. For the last three years I had Yumi, or I was visiting my boyfriend, and it really took him being there to sleep without her being close. My cat was still my constant even when I was otherwise on my own. But now, when my boyfriend leaves for work I'm going to be truly alone for the first time in 9 years (aside from a study abroad that was a month long, and that stressed Yumi out so much I felt horrible and never wanted to go more than a week away).
Any suggestions to sleep? Things to occupy my mind when I can't think about school work? Also, how do others balance the task of putting/giving away their stuff versus keeping it around in memory?
Also, due to the lack of information and answers through the vet's tests, I feel like I should have pushed harder to know what did it, for closure. Lastly, does anyone else have an experience that supports my choice? I always thought about her passing peacefully at home in another 5-7 years at least. I felt like I betrayed her and the fight she was putting up by signing those papers. I couldn't watch her struggle again, I knew things would be too difficult to bring her home for constant nursing with my schedule (I felt bad enough that we only had evenings together really), but I wanted her comfortable at home, even understanding that the comfort part wasn't possible in this case. I just loved her so much, and she was so attached, that now even sitting at my laptop only draws attention to her not being in my lap or curled up next to me, dropping down to her food bowl and turning around to jump back on the bed. I keep seeing shadows and flickers that make me think it's her and then I remember. Worst of all I'm pretty far from any friends other than those I see at school, and I don't want to break down at school talking to any of them about this when I have about 6 hours till I'm home. Then I'm home, and where I'd normally find Yumi sleeping and she'd wake up to acknowledge me and get some pets and curl up over homework or a movie, now I just put my stuff down and find something to do without that comfort. I do a lot of crafts; knit, cross-stitch, garden, draw, etc., but she was such a part of that even if she was just trying to get in the middle of it I cry without her presence.
It hurts so much, because I tried so hard. Any time in the past I took her in the doctors told me she was so healthy and so sweet and so beautiful (she was a black and white ragdoll type). Suddenly last week she started having issues sneezing and being raspy. My boyfriend and I planned to take her to his regular vet the next town over Saturday. But Wednesday night she started wheezing and I barely slept, checking her breathing when she wasn't wheezing and trying to comfort her when she did. I don't drive, and my boyfriend was traveling for work, so my first day off, Friday, I got her in her carrier and walked the mile and a half to the nearest vet. I was so scared, but I was assuring myself that doing this for her showed how much I cared and that I would be rewarded with an easy diagnosis. Unfortunately she started open mouth breathing on the trip and they put her on oxygen for a few hours.
At first I was told asthma and pneumonia, then just pneumonia, then possibly heart failure (ultimately they just didn't know as she wasn't responding to anything they gave her but being in the oxygen tank). I had to move her to an emergency vet overnight, it upset me because on the trip she actually seemed to calm down (maybe thinking we were going home). When I picked her up she seemed a little worse than when I left her. Then getting her home I gave her the meds and she panicked for about 15 minutes before breathing a bit better, but it only lasted so long. We had her home one night and had to readmit her Sunday when she couldn't calm down and she started drooling excessively. The vet that visit, from the top told me she didn't look good and euthanasia was possible. She still responded well to oxygen, but that was all, medication and human contact returned her to struggled breathing. I got a call 9:15 p.m. or so telling me that the humane thing would be to let her go and that I could come that night or the next morning. I didn't want to try to sleep all night on the thought of her another night in a strange place without me, barely breathing well, knowing I'd be letting her go first thing in the morning and make that choice right before my boyfriend would be on the road again for a few nights. So I said that night, and I went in, after about 20 minutes crying at home.
So this morning I passed on my classes, my boyfriend held me for a while before he had to leave. I've just been drinking water, trying to think of what will help me sleep. For the last three years I had Yumi, or I was visiting my boyfriend, and it really took him being there to sleep without her being close. My cat was still my constant even when I was otherwise on my own. But now, when my boyfriend leaves for work I'm going to be truly alone for the first time in 9 years (aside from a study abroad that was a month long, and that stressed Yumi out so much I felt horrible and never wanted to go more than a week away).
Any suggestions to sleep? Things to occupy my mind when I can't think about school work? Also, how do others balance the task of putting/giving away their stuff versus keeping it around in memory?
Also, due to the lack of information and answers through the vet's tests, I feel like I should have pushed harder to know what did it, for closure. Lastly, does anyone else have an experience that supports my choice? I always thought about her passing peacefully at home in another 5-7 years at least. I felt like I betrayed her and the fight she was putting up by signing those papers. I couldn't watch her struggle again, I knew things would be too difficult to bring her home for constant nursing with my schedule (I felt bad enough that we only had evenings together really), but I wanted her comfortable at home, even understanding that the comfort part wasn't possible in this case. I just loved her so much, and she was so attached, that now even sitting at my laptop only draws attention to her not being in my lap or curled up next to me, dropping down to her food bowl and turning around to jump back on the bed. I keep seeing shadows and flickers that make me think it's her and then I remember. Worst of all I'm pretty far from any friends other than those I see at school, and I don't want to break down at school talking to any of them about this when I have about 6 hours till I'm home. Then I'm home, and where I'd normally find Yumi sleeping and she'd wake up to acknowledge me and get some pets and curl up over homework or a movie, now I just put my stuff down and find something to do without that comfort. I do a lot of crafts; knit, cross-stitch, garden, draw, etc., but she was such a part of that even if she was just trying to get in the middle of it I cry without her presence.
Hi Sapphire, I am so very sorry to hear about the loss of your beautiful cat Yumi, and I really do understand how you feel. It has been one month to the day that I had to say goodbye to my dear cat Jasper, he was only 7 years old and was always so strong and healthy, then within three days, he became quite ill and could not eat and he could barely walk, and he was struggling just to breathe, so I had to make the hardest decision I have ever made, and that was to love him enough to let him go. I have gone over and over it again, did I do the right thing, maybe I should have waited, but the vet told me he was suffering and he was not going to make it through the night, and keeping him at the hospital would basically be keeping him on life support. Now that I have had several weeks to ponder this, I really do believe that letting our companions go so that they will suffer no more is one of the most unselfish and loving decisions anyone can make. The doctors still do not know the answer as to what happened to my Jasper, and I will never know what illness took him from me so quickly.
It was so difficult coming home after work without him here, going to bed without him here, waking up in the morning without him here, it was all just so surreal, how could this be, how could he just not be here anymore. I know you must be feeling many of the same feelings and emotions and it just hurts so bad, the sadness and emptiness can be overwhelming. I have kept all of his things, but have put them away safely until I am a bit stronger, then hopefully one day soon, I will be able to bring them out, and remember our wonderful times together with a smile.
A few days after losing my Jasper, I found this forum, and it was such a comfort to me, just reading the stories and the kind and compassionate replies from the members who truly understood what I was going through, meant the world to me and really kept me going. I am still so new to this, but I have learned that writing about my feelings here has really helped me in so many ways. I still miss my Jasper so very much, and I would do anything for even one more moment with him, and for me, it still feels as though a part of me is missing, Jasper was my baby and my very best friend, and I miss him more than words can say. But I also truly believe that our sweet companions are always close by, watching over us, and they knew how very much they were and are loved and they would never want us to be sad, but it is so very hard. Again I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Yumi, my thoughts and prayers are with you, and I hope you are able to find some peace in the days ahead.
QUOTE (jaspersmom @ Mar 3 2014, 05:31 PM)
Hi Sapphire, I am so very sorry to hear about the loss of your beautiful cat Yumi, and I really do understand how you feel. It has been one month to the day that I had to say goodbye to my dear cat Jasper, he was only 7 years old and was always so strong and healthy, then within three days, he became quite ill and could not eat and he could barely walk, and he was struggling just to breathe, so I had to make the hardest decision I have ever made, and that was to love him enough to let him go. I have gone over and over it again, did I do the right thing, maybe I should have waited, but the vet told me he was suffering and he was not going to make it through the night, and keeping him at the hospital would basically be keeping him on life support. Now that I have had several weeks to ponder this, I really do believe that letting our companions go so that they will suffer no more is one of the most unselfish and loving decisions anyone can make. The doctors still do not know the answer as to what happened to my Jasper, and I will never know what illness took him from me so quickly.
It was so difficult coming home after work without him here, going to bed without him here, waking up in the morning without him here, it was all just so surreal, how could this be, how could he just not be here anymore. I know you must be feeling many of the same feelings and emotions and it just hurts so bad, the sadness and emptiness can be overwhelming. I have kept all of his things, but have put them away safely until I am a bit stronger, then hopefully one day soon, I will be able to bring them out, and remember our wonderful times together with a smile.
A few days after losing my Jasper, I found this forum, and it was such a comfort to me, just reading the stories and the kind and compassionate replies from the members who truly understood what I was going through, meant the world to me and really kept me going. I am still so new to this, but I have learned that writing about my feelings here has really helped me in so many ways. I still miss my Jasper so very much, and I would do anything for even one more moment with him, and for me, it still feels as though a part of me is missing, Jasper was my baby and my very best friend, and I miss him more than words can say. But I also truly believe that our sweet companions are always close by, watching over us, and they knew how very much they were and are loved and they would never want us to be sad, but it is so very hard. Again I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Yumi, my thoughts and prayers are with you, and I hope you are able to find some peace in the days ahead.
It was so difficult coming home after work without him here, going to bed without him here, waking up in the morning without him here, it was all just so surreal, how could this be, how could he just not be here anymore. I know you must be feeling many of the same feelings and emotions and it just hurts so bad, the sadness and emptiness can be overwhelming. I have kept all of his things, but have put them away safely until I am a bit stronger, then hopefully one day soon, I will be able to bring them out, and remember our wonderful times together with a smile.
A few days after losing my Jasper, I found this forum, and it was such a comfort to me, just reading the stories and the kind and compassionate replies from the members who truly understood what I was going through, meant the world to me and really kept me going. I am still so new to this, but I have learned that writing about my feelings here has really helped me in so many ways. I still miss my Jasper so very much, and I would do anything for even one more moment with him, and for me, it still feels as though a part of me is missing, Jasper was my baby and my very best friend, and I miss him more than words can say. But I also truly believe that our sweet companions are always close by, watching over us, and they knew how very much they were and are loved and they would never want us to be sad, but it is so very hard. Again I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Yumi, my thoughts and prayers are with you, and I hope you are able to find some peace in the days ahead.
Thank you so much for your thoughts and kind words. If we were talking in person I think I would need to hug you. I'm sorry you lost your cat Jasper so soon as well. You covered so many of my thoughts. I am struggling to decided if I need another day away from school. I normally push myself so hard, I did a lot of my work while waiting to hear back about Yumi. But it's already not a fun commute, and then to come home without my sweet girl snuggled close, it feels really cruel. At least my boyfriend is back Thursday, but otherwise I just have inconsiderate roommates that make me annoyed and emotional and now with this I feel more isolated and lost.
As morbid as it may be, I'm happy I had the time and thoughts to do what was done, versus finding her in any way already gone. I put my heart out to those who unfortunately have to experience something else. I just wanted her to see me, to know I didn't leave her with the vets like I didn't want her. She saw me and my boyfriend both wanting to take her so bad and loving her to do better by her. But the way I was talked to, so much uncertainty and the vet predicting euthanasia from the start, I probably cried a whole cycle of water from my body (before bed it was so hard to even touch near my eyes).
Thank you again for your story and support. I don't have a lot of people in my life to turn to and some I only see in places I don't want to break down at. Right now my mom, boyfriend, and aunt are available. I also have a best friend from my home town I hope to get the nerve to maintain a calm conversation with.
I should note, when I think of giving away some things, it's mostly food, litter, and maybe her tower (which I'm only now seeing how much she truly enjoyed and used) and toys she never played with to help my mom's cats (that Yumi and I lived with). She's struggling financially and some of it would help her and make them happy. Same time I don't know if I can give up the tower and I don't want to give up anything like her carrier, dishes, etc. It's a toss up of helping my mom and cats I care for, versus holding to parts of Yumi.
The next few days I will probably be in and out, reading other's stories. I just can't wait until I can hold my boyfriend close again, since normally it would Yumi I would pull close and talk to alone.
QUOTE (SapphireD910 @ Mar 3 2014, 09:05 PM)
Thank you so much for your thoughts and kind words. If we were talking in person I think I would need to hug you. I'm sorry you lost your cat Jasper so soon as well. You covered so many of my thoughts. I am struggling to decided if I need another day away from school. I normally push myself so hard, I did a lot of my work while waiting to hear back about Yumi. But it's already not a fun commute, and then to come home without my sweet girl snuggled close, it feels really cruel. At least my boyfriend is back Thursday, but otherwise I just have inconsiderate roommates that make me annoyed and emotional and now with this I feel more isolated and lost.
As morbid as it may be, I'm happy I had the time and thoughts to do what was done, versus finding her in any way already gone. I put my heart out to those who unfortunately have to experience something else. I just wanted her to see me, to know I didn't leave her with the vets like I didn't want her. She saw me and my boyfriend both wanting to take her so bad and loving her to do better by her. But the way I was talked to, so much uncertainty and the vet predicting euthanasia from the start, I probably cried a whole cycle of water from my body (before bed it was so hard to even touch near my eyes).
Thank you again for your story and support. I don't have a lot of people in my life to turn to and some I only see in places I don't want to break down at. Right now my mom, boyfriend, and aunt are available. I also have a best friend from my home town I hope to get the nerve to maintain a calm conversation with.
I should note, when I think of giving away some things, it's mostly food, litter, and maybe her tower (which I'm only now seeing how much she truly enjoyed and used) and toys she never played with to help my mom's cats (that Yumi and I lived with). She's struggling financially and some of it would help her and make them happy. Same time I don't know if I can give up the tower and I don't want to give up anything like her carrier, dishes, etc. It's a toss up of helping my mom and cats I care for, versus holding to parts of Yumi.
The next few days I will probably be in and out, reading other's stories. I just can't wait until I can hold my boyfriend close again, since normally it would Yumi I would pull close and talk to alone.
As morbid as it may be, I'm happy I had the time and thoughts to do what was done, versus finding her in any way already gone. I put my heart out to those who unfortunately have to experience something else. I just wanted her to see me, to know I didn't leave her with the vets like I didn't want her. She saw me and my boyfriend both wanting to take her so bad and loving her to do better by her. But the way I was talked to, so much uncertainty and the vet predicting euthanasia from the start, I probably cried a whole cycle of water from my body (before bed it was so hard to even touch near my eyes).
Thank you again for your story and support. I don't have a lot of people in my life to turn to and some I only see in places I don't want to break down at. Right now my mom, boyfriend, and aunt are available. I also have a best friend from my home town I hope to get the nerve to maintain a calm conversation with.
I should note, when I think of giving away some things, it's mostly food, litter, and maybe her tower (which I'm only now seeing how much she truly enjoyed and used) and toys she never played with to help my mom's cats (that Yumi and I lived with). She's struggling financially and some of it would help her and make them happy. Same time I don't know if I can give up the tower and I don't want to give up anything like her carrier, dishes, etc. It's a toss up of helping my mom and cats I care for, versus holding to parts of Yumi.
The next few days I will probably be in and out, reading other's stories. I just can't wait until I can hold my boyfriend close again, since normally it would Yumi I would pull close and talk to alone.
Dear Sapphire,
I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Yumi. She sounds like a wonderful companion and I know how hard these first few days can be. Thank you for your post on my thread about my beautiful Ari, he was the love of our lives and we miss him so. It does sound like Yumi had a similar issue as Ari. I will tell you that we had an echocardiogram done on him by a specialty vet about twos days into his illness and it showed mild to moderate HCM, a heart problem that can occur in all cats but is known to be prevalent in Bengals, Maine Coons and Rag Dolls. You might want to research it if you are still wondering about what happened to Yumi. The cardio vet did not think it was causing the respiratory failure but I am sure it din't help if not actually made it worse. We too tried all kinds of meds, etc, and oxygen cage and still don't know what took Ari from us. I rushed to be with him at the end and we only had to give him the sedative before the euthanasia meds and he left me within a minute, he was that close to going on his own and there was nothing we or the best specialty vets in the area could do.
My advice to you is to do what gives you comfort an take care of yourself. We are missing not only the sprits of our angels but for me also the tactile experience of him: the happiness and comfort I got from touching him and looking at him. So if you have anything that you can touch or do for yourself that comforts you, do it. I have a soft stuffed animal that I sleep with. I have been writing in a journal about my memories and yes, it always makes me cry but I know I will be glad years from now when I can remember everything. We had a memorial service for Ari, I have been to pet grief counseling several times, have read several books on grieving for a pet and I come here often. It all helps. It doesn't make the pain go away but we are all here for you and understand and validate the magnitude of your loss. Take Care Sapphire, be gentle with yourself.
Hi, Sapphire, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief, and because of this, it is important that you take your time in making any decisions unless they are important for your safety and security.
As our forum friend kk has compassionately shared with you, I wish to affirm her words of comfort and encouragement: take your time in making any decisions about donating your beloved Yumi's belongings. Even many years now since my beloved companions joined the angels I still have many things that belonged only to them. Only recently did I feel comfortable donating my beloved Oslo's feeding stands and bowls and a few other things to his veterinary practitioner to either give to a client who could not financially afford items like these, or to include in their annual open house auction to raise funds for their Good Samaritan Fund and items for the hospital. There is no rush in making these decisions, Sapphire.
Thank you so much for sharing this wonderful picture of your beloved Yumi with us - - she is soooo pretty. You are blessed with being her sole, and soul, heir to her eternal love.
I hope today is treating you kindly, Sapphire, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Yumi's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
As our forum friend kk has compassionately shared with you, I wish to affirm her words of comfort and encouragement: take your time in making any decisions about donating your beloved Yumi's belongings. Even many years now since my beloved companions joined the angels I still have many things that belonged only to them. Only recently did I feel comfortable donating my beloved Oslo's feeding stands and bowls and a few other things to his veterinary practitioner to either give to a client who could not financially afford items like these, or to include in their annual open house auction to raise funds for their Good Samaritan Fund and items for the hospital. There is no rush in making these decisions, Sapphire.
Thank you so much for sharing this wonderful picture of your beloved Yumi with us - - she is soooo pretty. You are blessed with being her sole, and soul, heir to her eternal love.
I hope today is treating you kindly, Sapphire, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Yumi's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
Thank you kk, moon_beam, and continued thanks for all support even before my last post. I think in my research I did come across HCM. Part of my problem was that I was being told so many possibilities, things were thrown out as unlikely, then they were throwing out other things and leaning towards the original things they thought were unlikely. So in the span of the weekend I was getting told asthma, pneumonia, those two stacked, an infection, heart murmur, and just buildup of fluids in her lungs or heart. All ended up denied and all meds didn't improve anything other than the oxygen. It was only through looking up her symptoms that I saw HCM, specifically because I've been pretty sure that she was a ragdoll, but I didn't get her from the best place and considered it a rescue. But thank you for the information to maybe help me gain more understanding for everything that happened.
I've been getting a lot of support, more than I anticipated. An old friend got in touch and gave me a feeling of normalcy where my emotions and mind were otherwise chaotic. A classmate asked me if I was ok, since I missed class, and I opened up. Today I attended school and two of my friends that heard gave me big hugs. I just really didn't want to be a mess in class. They each are animal people and so I felt a lot of empathy sharing and talking with them. One of them even had their children suddenly lose a kitten from an aneurism and recalled a loss of a pet from her childhood.
I'm just nervous to go home tonight. Tomorrow night my boyfriend will be home for bedtime, but tonight will be my first time returning home and having no one to greet. I've still been talking like she's there, which may not make sense to everyone, but it makes me feel a little better, at least until I want to pet her and hold her, and especially when I go to sleep. I'm used to her sleeping over my head on a pillow I have flat for her, or on the other side of the bed where I nuzzle up so that my forehead touches her, always with my hand on her back. I've been using a really furry pillow of hers, that unfortunately she didn't really use since our latest move, to add something to the bed. I've slept fine, I woke up and got myself ready with a bit more time (I often excused not getting up to snuggle her a bit longer). But I saw no point in anything I was doing other than to continue a routine.
I feel a lack of purpose. I don't have family that needs my help. Unfortunately my mom could use some help, but only financially which I can no longer do like I did when we shared a household. My boyfriend is extremely independent and has a lot of resources, I think it's why he's put himself out there to help others so much (he told me during this that he actually saved money in case Yumi ever needed to see a vet and to help me financially, which I nearly cried). But Yumi was the only one that I felt consideration for all the time and that I made some major decisions for. I'm a pretty simple person and don't take a lot to be comfortable. But right now my biggest hobby with needle work is just empty, especially since I recently started making her toys to draw her from my projects. I keep looking around to clean, but I know her stuff would come into play and I can't do that yet either. I've only been able to put myself into school work and put something on to listen to and/or watch casually. I want to talk to people a lot and avoid my newfound solitude. It took a lot for me to accept my solitude aside from Yumi with my move, but without her it's crushing and I feel what I can only guess are small panic attacks here and there.
I've been getting a lot of support, more than I anticipated. An old friend got in touch and gave me a feeling of normalcy where my emotions and mind were otherwise chaotic. A classmate asked me if I was ok, since I missed class, and I opened up. Today I attended school and two of my friends that heard gave me big hugs. I just really didn't want to be a mess in class. They each are animal people and so I felt a lot of empathy sharing and talking with them. One of them even had their children suddenly lose a kitten from an aneurism and recalled a loss of a pet from her childhood.
I'm just nervous to go home tonight. Tomorrow night my boyfriend will be home for bedtime, but tonight will be my first time returning home and having no one to greet. I've still been talking like she's there, which may not make sense to everyone, but it makes me feel a little better, at least until I want to pet her and hold her, and especially when I go to sleep. I'm used to her sleeping over my head on a pillow I have flat for her, or on the other side of the bed where I nuzzle up so that my forehead touches her, always with my hand on her back. I've been using a really furry pillow of hers, that unfortunately she didn't really use since our latest move, to add something to the bed. I've slept fine, I woke up and got myself ready with a bit more time (I often excused not getting up to snuggle her a bit longer). But I saw no point in anything I was doing other than to continue a routine.
I feel a lack of purpose. I don't have family that needs my help. Unfortunately my mom could use some help, but only financially which I can no longer do like I did when we shared a household. My boyfriend is extremely independent and has a lot of resources, I think it's why he's put himself out there to help others so much (he told me during this that he actually saved money in case Yumi ever needed to see a vet and to help me financially, which I nearly cried). But Yumi was the only one that I felt consideration for all the time and that I made some major decisions for. I'm a pretty simple person and don't take a lot to be comfortable. But right now my biggest hobby with needle work is just empty, especially since I recently started making her toys to draw her from my projects. I keep looking around to clean, but I know her stuff would come into play and I can't do that yet either. I've only been able to put myself into school work and put something on to listen to and/or watch casually. I want to talk to people a lot and avoid my newfound solitude. It took a lot for me to accept my solitude aside from Yumi with my move, but without her it's crushing and I feel what I can only guess are small panic attacks here and there.
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