I still can't believe that my precious cat Jasper is not here, I keep looking for him in all his favorite places, I keep expecting to see him walk by and look up at me with those beautiful green eyes. The days are so hard, but the nights are the hardest. I keep expecting to see him when I come home from work, waiting for me at the door. He was so young, he was only seven, and his illness took him so fast, it is still so hard for me to process all this. There is such an emptiness that just can't be filled, I just want so much to see him, touch him, and feel him in my arms again. I thought there were no tears left, but they just keep coming. I can't wait for the day to come when I can finally think of him without the hurt and pain, and I will be able to smile at the cherished memory. I often think maybe I would never have wanted to love him so much if I knew it would hurt this much to lose him, but that is not so, he brought so much happiness into my world. I lost him on Monday, so it has only been five days, and I keep thinking that just last week on this evening he was with me and he was fine. They still don't know what happened to him but they think it may have been neurological, so I don't have any closure with that, how does a cat go from strong and healthy to so sick and weak in three days, and I will never know what happened to him. It does help reading the stories on this forum, and I know I am not alone in this journey, and my heart goes out to you all to know you are feeling much the same way as I am. He was so sweet and so very special, and I miss him more than words can say.

Jaspersmom,
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my beautiful cat, Ari, two weeks ago today. He would have been 7 in May. He also had a sudden illness and died of acute respiratory failure, although they don't know what caused it. He seemed healthy and then the next day wasn't eating/drinking, we took him to the vet and he died 3 days later. That really is hard, not knowing exactly. I keep going over it in my head, trying to figure it out. I am sorry that you have to feel this pain, it really is the most painful things we as pet parents have to endure but we would never miss the opportunity we had to love them and love us Missing them is like having your heart ripped out, I feel it everyday. I have been to a couple of 1:1 sessions with a pet bereavement counselor and I would highly recommend it especially as time passes and your friends/family are not as supportive and understanding as they were at first. i have already experienced that so talking to someone who will just let you pour your grief out has helped me as well as being here on the LS forum.

Hi, jaspersmom, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling and experiencing is very normal deep grief.

When it comes to losing a loved one - - whoever the life form - - there really is no such thing as "closure" to the loss. Words such as "closure", "acceptance", "moving on", etc., were clinically developed during the 1970's, 1980's when hospice services were just getting started here in the US. Fortunately, clinical professionals are now recognizing that this grief journey is not one of "closure", "acceptance," etc., but rather a journey of "adjustment to" the physical absence of our loved one, -- our beloved companion. As with human medicine when an autopsy is done, sometimes a necropsy (the veterinary word for the same thing) can provide some answers as to what happened - - and sometimes they raise more questions than provide answers.

When our beloved companions precede us to the angels, our hearts become consumed with the questions of "why" and "if only" and "what if". This is, sadly, a part of the torture our hearts experience as a part of this grief adjustment journey because our hearts are focused on reconciling the horrible reality that our beloved companion is no longer physically with us. We live in a physically oriented world governed by the five senses of sight, sound, taste, touch, and smell. We are taught to believe that what we can see, hear, taste, touch, and smell is what exists - - there is nothing else.

Hopefully in time, jaspersmom, you will be able to find a peace in your heart that your beloved Jasper is now restored to his former youthfulness - - he is no longer subject to the medical infirmities that afflicted his physical body. Hopefully in time you will be able to know, and find comfort and reassurance in, that your beloved Jasper's sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey, and is forever with you in your heart and memories. NOTHING in heaven or on earth can ever take him away from you. And sometime, very likely when you least expect it, you may begin to feel his Precious Presence with you in some way to let you know he is forever with you.

I hope today is treating you kindly, jaspersmom, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Jasper's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[quote name='kk0711' date='Feb 8 2014, 12:30 AM' post='80745']
Jaspersmom,
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my beautiful cat, Ari, two weeks ago today. He would have been 7 in May. He also had a sudden illness and died of acute respiratory failure, although they don't know what caused it. He seemed healthy and then the next day wasn't eating/drinking, we took him to the vet and he died 3 days later. That really is hard, not knowing exactly. I keep going over it in my head, trying to figure it out. I am sorry that you have to feel this pain, it really is the most painful things we as pet parents have to endure but we would never miss the opportunity we had to love them and love us Missing them is like having your heart ripped out, I feel it everyday. I have been to a couple of 1:1 sessions with a pet bereavement counselor and I would highly recommend it especially as time passes and your friends/family are not as supportive and understanding as they were at first. i have already experienced that so talking to someone who will just let you pour your grief out has helped me as well as being here on the LS forum.
[quote] kk,
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your beloved cat Ari. It sounds as though you went through a similar situation as mine, it is just so hard when they are so young and healthy and all of a sudden, we lose them, and the doctors don't even know what happened. I can tell that you are feeling the same pain I am, and I wish I could say something to you that would ease the hurt, but I am just at the beginning of this journey, and it is one I never want to take again. And you are so right about friends and family not being as supportive or understanding and becoming a bit impatient for us to move on and out of the grieving process, but it is so individual for each one of us, and I know for me, it is going to take a long time to find the peace and comfort I am looking for. I am glad that your one on one sessions with the bereavement counselor seem to be helping, and I may look into that. Thank you kk for your kind words of support and understanding, I am so glad that I found the LS forum, because everyone on here really does know the pain and sadness we are all dealing with. What I would give for one more day with Jasper, one more moment even, and I know you feel the very same way about Ari.

Jaspersmom,
It's 2:30 a.m. and I don't want to go to sleep, so I'm reading...I went back and read several of your posts. So much of what you say could be my words. You say: "I often think maybe I would never have wanted to love him so much if I knew it would hurt this much to lose him, but that is not so..." I've wondered had I known it would hurt this badly, would I have adopted Molly those 16 yrs ago? I just loved her SO much...and the pain of that loss is far beyond what I would have thought or imagined possible. Its two weeks today, and when I allow myself to think of her, I can cry like it was yesterday, and the pain is such a deep, very very deep pain.
I seem to be getting through the days an ever-so-little bit better, but in a very superficial way. I contacted a therapist today, whom I may see. I normally consider myself a very strong person, but this feels like I've just had the wind knocked out of me, it's just such a terrible, terrible crushing pain.
So, reading your posts, it sounds like you've gone through that same agonizing pain. And you sound like you may be coming through it. You talk about "seeing" him in all his places around your house....yes, it's not like you really can't go on living in your house, but you see him everywhere. I find I now won't sit on the place on the sofa where I'd sit every morning, sipping my morning coffee, with Molly sitting, purring, on my lap. Everywhere in the house, I see her--I see where she should be, but is not.
You talk about the unrelenting "dark place." And that's what it feels like for me. It's just dark and sad, nothing more.
So, I guess all this is to say that knowing I'm not crazy for experiencing this intense of a pain over my loss of Molly helps me somehow. Knowing you're not walking this path alone. Thank you.
- Molly Rose's mom

Hi Molly Rose's mom,
My eyes are filling with tears as I read your words, and I can so feel your deep sadness and heartache. Your words really resonated with me, how the pain of losing your Molly went so far beyond what you ever thought or could have imagined possible. I remember those first two weeks after losing my Jasper as though it were yesterday, the unrelenting cold and darkness of my soul, and let me tell you, there were so many moments that I did not think I could go on even one more moment without him. The one thing that helped me more than anything was that I would see him everywhere in the house, just flashes and spurts of him, in all of his favorite places, and I may not have been able to reach out and actually touch him, but I knew he was there. I really do believe that Molly is right there with you, she knows how much you are hurting, she knows your despair, and no physical boundaries or separation could ever keep her from you in your time of need, in our darkest hours I believe they do come to us to let us know we can go on, they find a way to get to us.

I really want to let you know Molly Rose's mom, that everything you are feeling now is so much the way I was feeling in those first weeks, and believe me, you are not walking this path alone. Not a day goes by that I don't think of my sweet boy, not a day goes by that I do not cry, not a day goes by that my heart is not filled with the deepest emptiness ever. I still cannot bring myself to look at his pictures, or bring out his little collar with the bell on it, oh what I would give to hear that little bell jingling again. I still cannot bring myself to wear the outfit I wore at the veterinary hospital, as I held him and kissed his little head, and told him he could go to the light, and for him to wait for me there. Grief is like that, never would I have thought I couldn't ever bear to look at his picture without completely breaking down, never would I have thought that I couldn't ever bear the thought of washing the bedding he slept on. I just want to keep every single connection with him, no matter how small, just exactly as it was.

I find it interesting that I find myself so attracted to cats that look like Jasper, I seem to be drawn to them like a magnet. I was holding one yesterday at the rescue where I work, and I was just mesmerized by him and his resemblance to my sweet boy, and even though I knew he was not my Jasper, when I walked away I was so sad, and my feelings of loss and anguish came flooding back to February 3rd, that horrific night when I walked out of the animal hospital with that empty carrier, that night I learned the true meaning of the word devastation. Our hearts are funny like that, you never know when the simplest thing will send you reeling again, back to that day, when the world came to a standstill. I so understand where you are coming from and how the sadness can sometimes seem to envelop us and all we can think of is, please make it stop.

I do want to reassure you though, that now even though I have my good days, and my bad days, and even though I miss my boy more than words could ever say, with each passing day I feel just the tiniest bit stronger, as I am sure you will also. You have to put one foot in front of the other, and take those baby steps, get through one more moment, one more day, and the raw pain will ease up ever so slightly, I promise you that, it will be imperceptible at first, then all of a sudden you will notice that although the hurt and ache is still there, it is not as sharp or intense as it used to be. I used to not even be able to even say my Jasper's name outloud without the tears flowing, but now I am able to actually talk about him to my friends and family, just a little right now, but it's a beginning.

Be gentle with yourself Molly Roses mom, you have been through such an unbelievable and heart wrenching loss, and you just have to go easy on yourself, grieving takes so very much out of us, it is so very draining. It is so very very hard, but one day you will turn around and find yourself at a different place in this journey, just a little bit further along the healing path, but it will seem so very far from where you are right now. That is the way it is with me, I am nowhere near where I want to be, but I am so much further than where I was, and this will happen with you also. It is never easy to say goodbye to such a huge piece of your world, but I prefer to think of it as saying until we meet again, and always remember that you carry your Molly with you in your heart, every single moment of every single day, and she knows that too, and she also knows how what a lucky little kitty she is to have someone who loves her to the moon and back like you do.

I did want to let you know that reading your caring and thoughtful words about Molly, so filled with the sweet and special love you both share, helps me to know that I am not alone, and that what we are feeling is so hard, but is so very right for the incredible love our dear little ones gave us and left us with, that just doesn't disappear, a love like that is forever. Thank you so much for writing and letting me know how you are doing, and I hope you know I am thinking about you, and you are going to get through this, and I hope in some small way that my words have helped you as much as yours have helped me, I see so much of myself and my feelings for Jasper in your posts about Molly. I saw a very sweet pet loss sympathy card the other day, the front was a picture of a beautiful night sky with the form of a kitty outlined in stars, and when you opened it up, the words read, "Heaven is a Little Brighter Now", well isn't that the truth, with Molly and Jasper up there, how could it not be?

Thank you, Jaspersmom. Thank you, thank you. It really does help, doesn't it, knowing that another (others) understand(s) the depth of this kind of pain and loss. You are a lifesaver. I am just stunned by all of this, and never could have imagined in a million years that it would be this bad... Thank you for the small glimmer of hope...

You are so right Snapdragon, it really does make such a difference to know that we are not alone in this, and that others do understand the depth of our feelings of loss for our dear pets, and it is so very clear to me how very much you love and miss Molly Rose. I am really glad that I was able to give you even a small glimmer of hope in your healing, we all need to find that proverbial light at the end of the tunnel, sometimes I think I have found it, then all of a sudden it's gone, and I have to start looking all over again.

I am hoping that I will be able to post pictures of my Jasper soon, he is the most beautiful and handsome boy, and you can just see that special spark in his eyes, and I would love for everyone on the LS forum to be able to see him too. Hopefully I will feel strong enough soon, as I am so proud of him in every way, he was and is my pride and joy. Oh my gosh, how much I miss him, I still am in total disbelief at times that he is not here with me, it wasn't that long ago that he was sitting right here by me, with that little paw stretched out on my arm or shoulder, always connected to me. I remember when I used to take him to the vet clinic, how he would always stick that dear little paw out of the carrier so I could hold it, that always made the both of us feel so much better.

I can't help sometimes to feel so cheated out of so many wonderful years with him, it just doesn't seem fair that he was taken from me so soon, but then again, who ever said that life was fair. I suppose I just need to be thankful for the short but precious time we had together, seven years with my boy that went by in the blink of an eye, such sweet and happy years they were, filled to the brim with love, laughter, and cuddles. I want to let him know how very sorry I am about the time we have missed out on, I want to tell him I wish that I had seen the signs that something was wrong sooner, I want to let him know that I tried so very hard, I want to tell him that I would have moved heaven and earth to save him, but I suppose it was just not meant to be, and they must have needed another angel up there to brighten up the sky, but I just can't help but feel that it wasn't his time yet, it was way too soon ... He was always the light of my life, and all I can think to do now is look up at heaven, and say please, please give him back to me.