My heart is breaking, I had to say goodbye to my sweet cat Jasper five days ago, but it feels like an eternity. He has always been such a strong and healthy boy, but he started having trouble eating, then walking, and he seemed to be getting weaker and more disoriented, and all of this came about in a matter of days. I rushed him to the emergency vet where they gave him some meds, but they were just not sure what was wrong with him, and the vet told me that if there was no change the next day for me to take him to his regular vet. I was so hoping that he would rally but the following day he seemed to be getting worse. He was having such trouble breathing, and I asked the doctor to do everything possible for him, but she said that it would be a matter of just keeping him on life support overnight, and he most likely was not going to make it. I wanted to bring him back home with me, but the doctor did not feel comfortable with this because of his deteriorating condition, I suppose I was just waiting on a miracle, but when I learned that he was indeed suffering, I had to do the hardest thing I have ever done, and that is to love him enough to let him go.

He was only seven years old, and I keep on thinking about how many years we are going to miss out on together, how much precious time we never will have. I want to embrace the joy and happiness he gave me, but I just seem to be stuck in this sad and dark place of the last few days of his illness, and my holding him in my arms when he took his very last breath and left me and this world behind. All I keep thinking is maybe I should have noticed something sooner, and I keep going over and over it in my mind that perhaps if I had done something different, he would still be here with me right now. The sadness and emptiness is overwhelming, and I just don't know if I will ever be the same again. I want so much to honor his life and the love he left behind, but right now I am just so broken and shattered, and the pain is still so new. I keep looking for him in all the familiar places he used to sleep, and when I come home from work, I can still see him waiting for me at the door for his belly rubs. He fought the good fight and I just wish I was as strong as he was, the tears never seem to stop, my heart hurts so bad, I miss my sweet boy so very much ... I just don't know how to do this.

Hi, jaspersmom, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Jasper. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Jaspersmom, please let me reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief - - very painful both emotionally and physically, yes - - still very normal. When we are grieving, we are very vulnerable emotionally, and are unable to control our emotions, particularly our need to cry. We also experience physical symptoms that can include insomnia or a relentless feeling of lethargy with a need to sleep, lack of appetite, inability to concentrate, etc..

Jaspersmom, none of us know "how to do" this grief adjustment journey. This journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is a journey that cannot be reconciled in a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month, or even 6 months - - for you are now on a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time sometimes one moment at a time in your own way and in your own time - - for you are on a journey that is filled with all the first withouts and the memories that can be all too painful right now that include "this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year" to endure. This is one of the many reasons why this wonderful forum is here - - for it is a safe place where each of us can come to share what is in our hearts, and to try to find our own way through this grief adjustment journey with the comfort, support, and encouragement of each other.

Our companions have a genetic trait inherited from their wild cousins that enables them to disguise how they are feeling until their illness / injury has taken hold of their bodies. This is a survival trait - - for showing any sign of illness or injury makes them vulnerable. By the time they reveal to us - - their human caregivers - - that they are not feeling well, the effects of the illness / injury can be very difficult to treat. As with human medicine, sometimes the veterinary care providers can help restore good health to our companions so that they can continue to have a good quality of life, while sadly at other times - - such as the case with your beloved Jasper, the only thing that can be done is to gently ease their journey home to the angels. This, of course, is little comfort to us when our hearts are breaking under the deepest sorrow of losing their sweet precious physical presence.

Jaspersmom, there is no way you will ever "be the same." When our companions come into our hearts, our lives are changed for the better. When our companions precede us to the angels, our lives are changed again as we struggle through the enormous task of "re-inventing" our lives and establishing "new normals" that no longer include the physical and emotional needs of our beloved companion. Although your beloved Jasper is no longer physically with you, the love bond you and your beloved Jasper share is eternal - - because love is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Jasper's sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey as he always has and always will - - for he is always and forever a part of your heart and memories, jaspersmom - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know all too well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of sorrow. Still, I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Jasper with us. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing a picture of him with us - - but only if / when you want to. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, jaspersmom, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you so much moon_beam for your kind and compassionate words of support to help me through this difficult time. I found this forum the day after I lost my Jasper, and reading the many posts of those who are going through the same thing I am showed me that I am not alone, and I really do believe that finding this place just may be my little light at the end of the tunnel. You and everyone here who has traveled this sad journey really do understand what I am going through, and it helps immensely to know I am not alone in these feelings of grief. Reading your words about the fact that oftentimes our pets are genetically prone to disguise their illness or weakness until sometimes it is too late to help them really spoke to me. There seem to be so many stages of this grief process and I can see that guilt and the would of should of mentality is a normal reaction to such a painful loss. You are so right about the first withouts, I have been doing those over and over again, the first time waking up without him, the first time going to sleep without him, the first time coming home without him waiting for me at the door. That helped me so much when you posted about how the bond of love between myself and Jasper is an eternal one and no physical separation can ever break that. It can really hurt sometimes when friends, although well meaning, say I'm really sorry that Jasper is gone, because it just sounds so final. I do believe with all of my heart that when the time is right, I will see my sweet Jasper again, and that was so beautiful and so very true when you said he is only a heartbeat away. Thank you again moon_beam for your kindness and your comforting words which are making such a difference. I know this is going to be a long and difficult journey, but because of this wonderful forum, it will not be one that I will have to travel alone. My Jasper was so special to me, and I miss him more than words can say.

Hi, jaspersmom, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. One of the many things we all experience is a feeling that a part of us is missing when our beloved companion transitions home to the angels. Indeed, a part of us IS missing, for our beloved companion took a part of us with them to have and to hold until it is our appropriate time to join them in eternal joy. They also left a part of themselves with us to have and to hold in our hearts as we continue with our earthly journey. It is quite similar to the "broken heart" necklace - - we hold one piece of the necklace while our friend / loved one holds the other part. When we meet and put the two pieces together, the heart is whole once again. And so it is with our and our beloved companion's hearts as we endure the physical separation.

I hope today is treating you kindly, jaspersmom, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Jasper's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam