Here I go....emotionally dumping to in a public forum to strangers.

I am devastated. My sweet, 15-year-old Sonny developed what appeared to be symptoms of kidney failure a few months ago. Then, suddenly, on Christmas Eve her back legs collapsed. After research, I surmised it must have been because she was on a K/D diet only, and was suffering from protein starvation. So, I started cooking her home meals designed for dogs in kidney failure. She recovered immediately and did great...she was her old self. Two weeks or so later, she started to regurgitate her food and water, followed by what appeared to be an unrelated she had a grand mal seizure in the middle of the night that sent us racing to the ER. She recovered the same night from the seizure and ate well the next day, but the regurgitation started again and she kept losing weight. She had been slowly losing weight over about two-three months, which we attributed to kidney failure.

On Monday, the vet said that he did not think her GI issues were related to the kidney issues and recommended an ultrasound. The results were tragic. She had an unextremely rare condition for a dog: blood clots, one of which had formed an aortic thrombosis and was blocking off all blood supply to her intestines. This is why she could not eat. This condition also appeared to have caused the hind end collapse and kidney failure. The vet said if I needed to get comfortable with the diagnosis and/or take her to a specialist I should, but I chose to euthanize her. There is practically no treatment for this condition, and the treatments that do exist all have a "guarded" prognosis. With a seizure on the record, now a diagnosed clot in her aorta and others in her body, nodules on her liver (we did not biopsy to see if they were cancerous), the potential for heart attack, and her shocking weight loss (from 40 pounds to 25 pounds), I was too scared to bring her home to what could be a painful death. She was either going to die from a hearrt failure, seizure, or starvation.

Of course, I am torturing myself that I did not bring her home and take her to a specialist to pursue more treatment at all costs. After all, she has recovered from so many health conditions and was a strong girl....shouldn't I have given her another chance? Surely I could have cured her?

She didn't particularly enjoy going to the vet and always stood by the door wanting to leave. On Monday, she did the same and I agonize because I did not take her outside in the grass one more time, that she wanted to come home but I denied her that.

I miss her terribly.

The best description I have of her is what I posted on Facebook, which I will share here.

Thank you for listening.

- Denise





Denise Adams

27 January

My sweet Sonny girl,

You were found as a puppy by the neighbors, stranded and scared in the middle of a huge Wal-Mart parking lot on a sweltering summer day 15 years ago.The neighbors brought you to their house and you immediately broke free and trotted over to ours. I was hopelessly smitten and adopted you on the spot.

You were with me for fifteen loyal years: through a painful marriage, bad boyfriends, personal loss, extreme poverty, grief, and suffering, but also shared with me the joy and happiness of having finally overcome those hurdles.

You loyally sat by my desk through late night studying during graduate school and was under my desk at my feet constantly for the past two years of working at home, so much so that we gave you the moniker "office dog". I could not leave a room without you following me. You were bound to me as tightly as roots to a tree.

I had to let you go tonight. I can still feel you in my arms and smell your fur. My body aches from no longer being able to hold you, my fingers crave to stroke your fur. Our morning walks with Taavi will not be the same without you.

Even though my heart is broken and my soul is wrenched with grief, I know I did the right thing for your suffering would only have increased and death would have come within days. There is no recovery from an aortic embolism.

I am so blessed to have had such a wonderful companion in my life, my sweet Sonny girl. I don't know why I was given the honor of caring for such a magnificent soul, but am forever grateful for having been given the gift of you. You are in my heart forever, my pretty girl. I will see you again one day.

I love you.

Your story breaks my heart. I also lost my baby Diamond on Monday 1/27. My story is on here. I posted it yesterday I think, or two days ago. At this point I'm losing my mind.

I lost her sister late 2012 (dec 20) and I lost Diamond 1/27/14. Both cases were unexpected. Ruby was/is extremely tough to get past, because I had a very different, special bond with both of my dogs. She was about 8.75 yrs old. Diamond was 9.75 yrs old. Little young for lab muts and both were totally shocking.

I don't have a clue how I'm going to get over this. At least when Ruby died I had Diamond to give twice the love to. Now I come home to a quiet house. My wife is with me and her son but it's still not the same, and I feel alone. My dogs were with me before I met my wife and her son.

I am so very sorry for your loss. My Sonny was also with me before I married my husband a year ago. I understand exactly how you feel....I have another dog, but he does not sit by my side the way she does and the house is just too quiet. I used to be able to hear her tag jingle on her collar as she followed me, and now there is no sound. I have been keeping the television on just to fill the space. I am like you, too, in that I don't know how I will ever move past this. I will feel ok, and then suddenly remember that she is gone, feel the wrenching pain, and dissolve into tears.

I am so glad to hear I am not alone....or crazy.

Denise, we too lost our girl Anna on Monday. We went the route of specialists when there was still hope (inflammatory bowel disease) which involved steroids and hypo allergenic ,then home cooked food). but her symptoms also returned and the vets found large cell intestinal cancer, which is virtually untreatable. We then had her euthanized. She was on our laps when she received the drugs and had kissed our faces one last time.

Please try not to feel guilty. Your girl knew how much you loved her and that she loved you. We all wish we had more time with our beloved pets. we want them back, healthy and strong. but that is not to be. and so we cry or scream or curse life's cruel losses.

I want my dear Anna back in my life so very much. I can't believe she's gone.

I think I'll get a journal and write down some of her idiosyncrasies. It won't bring her sweet self back in person, but writing does help me grieve.

Take care and know you're not alone. Joy

Thank you so much for your reply, Joy. Your kind words are the salve my soul needed. I am so very sorry for your loss. I haven't tried screaming yet...I think I'll go do that now. You are right....writing does help the grieving process.

I know how the feeling is. Last night as I'm laying there watching TV I keep waiting to see Diamond come from the hallway to sit next to the couch so I can lean over and hug her. She used to put her head down on the couch pillow exposing the top of her neck, for me to rub it. It was adorable. And she'd gently lift her paw up.

The vet techs always thought it was the cutest thing.

I suspect over time, our family or friends will get annoyed by our continued grieving, thinking we should 'be past it by now'. My mom suggested I just get more because it will help. I said "mom, if you lost me and my sister suddenly, would having more kids really help?" She said no. EXACTLY

Hi, Denise, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Sonny. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Denise, this grief journey is one of the most painful expriences you will know on this side of eternity. It is a journey that is filled with many different emotions that can overwhelm us all at one time - - it is a journey frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. It is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time in your own way and in your own time - - for you are now on a journey that is filled with all the first withouts and the memories that can be all too painful right now that include "this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year" to endure. But I promise you it is a journey that you do not travel alone. Each of us here do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

It is perfectly clear from what you share with us you did everything that is in your human, and humane, power to give your beloved Sonny a happy and healthy earthly journey. As with human medicine, there are many invasive procedures in veterinary medicine that "can be done" to try to restore quantity of life that does not necessarily provide QUALITY of life. Just because a procedure "can be done" does not necessarily mean that it is the wisest to be done. You made the best decision for your beloved Sonny based on the information you had from a professioinal veterinary care provider. You spared your beloved Sonny from the agony of a journey that could have inflicted more pain and suffering on her, and more pain and suffering on your heart. Your beloved Sonny is very grateful to you for sparing her from additional suffering, and for not prolonging the suffering she was already experiencing. This is what love is - - it puts the needs of others before our own, even when it means that we endure the painful adjustment to the loss of their physical presence.

But even though your beloved Sonny is no longer physically with you, I assure you her sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey as she always has and always will. Love is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Sonny's sweet Living Spirit is forever a part of your heart and memories, Denise -- she is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know all too well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there really are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as your travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Sonny with us, Denise. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing a picture of her with us - - but only when / if you want to. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Denise, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam