I lost the best friend I've ever known just 3 days ago. My cat Versache. His death was very unexpected and traumatic for him, me and my partner. After many tears, processing of info from the dr. and exploring every viable option, we had to choose to put him to sleep. I'm at peace with the decision to end his suffering, but that doesn't make it easier to live with. I've never felt a loss or pain like this ever before and am just lost, alone and can't express the hurt. I simply want him back and wish my hurt would end. He gave me joy, love and so much comfort. Followed me endlessly and rarely gave me a moment's peace as he wanted to be by my side all of the time. I enjoyed his unconditional love for 14 years. He made me feel special as I saw us both as outcasts in one way or another...like a team. Had I not felt as though he loved me every bit as much as I love him, this wouldn't be so hard. Its only been 3 days, so I know my future holds more sorrow and "firsts" without him.

I just confirmed his final arrangements. Thinking of him out there, without me with him, just cuts so deep.

This post makes a step on the path to grieving in a healthy way. And makes it all real, while I still feel like I'm in a dream.

I know there are no words that can return my buddy to me. Nor words that can end my sorrow and feeling of immense loss. But any wisdom anyone can provide as to how I can best begin healing would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you,

Derrick

Derrick--

I am so sorry--and I know exactly what you are going thru---and what you are feeling---

Yes--this is a good site to share your grief and it will help to make it better----

It's always hard to make that decision---

Take care and know--even though you will miss Versache---the pain does gets less.

Mary

I'm sorry for your loss Derrick. I too am I am in agony over the fact of losing my sweet baby girl Thunder. She had tumors and was suffering. Her quality of life diminished right before my eyes within a week. I'm still researching for places to help me deal. I will send you anything I can find if you would like. Take care and God bless.

Dear Derrick,

My heart is weeping with you in the passing of your best friend and soul mate Versache. (What a great name!) It's terrible loss after so many years together. There are no words to express the pain and grief you are going through. You're in the "shock and awe" time. Your body is protecting itself against the unbelievably overpowering emotion by making it's brain into a "robot." We reduce our lives to the absolute essential activities and even those we do like ... well ... a robot.

We suffer in proportion as we love - and every tear you shed and every time you call Mr. Versache's name is just your love coming out. I have rescued two elder Labs - Gretta abd Rufus - who have both gone home. Be comforted by knowing the Beautiful Versache is NOT gone. There is a place - some poeple call it heaven but I call it the Perfect World. Animals come from there, search the world over to find the one and only person who shares their soul (I think that's why people use the word "soulmate" - because it's true). As if that weren't enough, our soulmate puts him- or herself in our path and when we recognize our "other half" the instant rush of love tells both of us that we have found each other. We humans are not stupid (well......). We know that animals' lives are shorter than ours and that by accepting our soulmate and sharing their unbelievable love, we will one day suffer the terrible loss you are now going through.

Versache has NOT gone - he has only changed form. We humans, as Moonbeam says (she is sort of the "mother" of this site), live in a sensory world. If we can see or hear or touch something, we call it real. If we can't, we call it not real. Nothing could be further from the truth. Versache has shed his physical body and is once again living as a spirit. You can't see him or touch him or hear him, bit he is right where he ever was - by your side. Watching over you, guiding your steps and, most important of all, sharing the love you two have always shared.

You are among the very few blessed people whose soulmate has found them and shared a physical life with them. When Versache went to the Perfect World, he left a part of his soul for you to hold and love until you meet again in the Perfect World. And he took a piece of your soul to love and cherish until that time - which IS coming. Some people get signs or signals from their spirit animals, some don't. I'm a solo so I can get away with doing things that people who live with other people sometimes cannot. I was so sad after my Gretta (the kindest chocolate lab who ever lived) went home that I slept on her big orthopedic dog bed for over a week. One morning, just as I was opening my eyes I saw, for a fraction of a second, an Irish Setter between me and her dog dishes. Even though it didn't look like her, I knew it was her sending me a signal that she was OK. I have never seen or heard Rufus ( a half black lab- half Newfie) but I have felt his spirit many, many times. Like now, when I am on the computer, I can feel him lying upside down on the couch with his head hanging over the side. I know if I look, I will not see him, but I know he is there. And I talk to them and write to them here on this site.

Derrick, please be gentle with yourself during this pain - one of the greatest griefs there is in this life. Know that the beautiful Versache is right where he ever was - by your side. And you have come to what I think is THE best site on the net. People actually talk to each other and CARE. Every single one of us has gone through what you're going through and we're here for you 24/7. No one will ever tell you 'you should' here. We stand together as a supportive, caring band of brothers and sisters. Thank you for your gift of sharing Versache with us. Come here as often or as few times as YOU need to. We care. We understand.

Gretta and Rufus's mom

Hi, Derrick, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Versache. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Derrick, as our forum friends have so compassionately shared with you, this grief journey is one of the hardest experiences you will know on this side of eternity. There is no "getting over" the sorrow that is in our hearts when our beloved companions precede us to the angels. Rather, this grief journey is one of "adjustment to" their physical absence, and this is a very painful adjustment both emotionally and physically. And as our forum friends reassure you, you do not travel this grief journey alone. You are among friends here who truly do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

As painful as this grief journey is, there is one thing that will never change - - the eternal love bond you and your beloved Versache share. Love is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Versache's sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey as he always has and always will - - for he always and forever a part of your heart and memories, Derrick - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I do know all too well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of sorrow. Still, I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so much for sharing your beloved Versache with us, Derrick. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing a picture of him with us - - but only when / if you want to. Please know you are in my thougths and prayers, Derrick, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

All- This is a LONG post. But I want to thank you all for your support, compassion and understanding. Although I would never wish this type of loss on anyone...EVER...I do find comfort in knowing that I am not alone. And that my feelings of pain and sorrow are "normal" and that I will be okay.

We all have a past. Part of my learned survival skills as a result of my past (a whole other topic I won't go into here of course), taught me the the emotional "survival" skill and ability to bury my emotions. I've become a master at conceling my feelings and simply..."not feeling". As I've matured, I've realized this is not healthy, and have taken steps to be more expressive. However, nothing could have prepared me for this. The constant flood of emotion, pain and sorrow, just couldn't be hidden. And seemed never ending. Although my partner is very sad and misses him too, he wasn't experiencing what I did. So you can imagine that I began to worry and wonder why I was responding this way. Was something wrong with me. But now I understand. This is my normal. This is my grief and there is nothing wrong with experiencing this in my own way. Realizing this because of you, was in its way, comforting. I now feel free to continue down my path of healing...whatever it may be. Giving myself this permission will allow me to continue to heal in my own time.

To Gretta and Rufus's mom- Words cannot express the gratitude I have for your words. You will never know how comforting, healing and freeing your words were to me when I read them last week. As you can imagine, my days have been marked by emotions...not actual days. One day is a guilt day. The next anger. Followed by a day of loneliness and sorry. Then disbelief. But deep down I felt such grief over thinking that I would have to let his spirit, memory and love go forever. All the while, wondering will this level of dispair ever end. And what was happening to me? I felt like I was in a tunnel- in a dream/nightmare and fantasy. Then I read your post.

Then it all made sense. I was (and somewhat still am) in robot mode. Just going through the motions. A way to cope for now. But that 'phase' ended with your post.
For me, I've been receiving peace from about in ways...more like layers. Layers of the weight of pain being peeled away, one at a time, in their own time. And peace being put in its place. I still have many layers to go. But the heaviest weight was released and my robot phase started to come to an end when you enlightened me. My buddy...my soul pet...would always be with me. And I don't have to let his beautiful loving spirit or memory go. I then remembered something...

The day after his passing, I had to leave the house. We packed up and went to the mountains for the weekend. Being in the house was more than I could bear. I just couldn't. So the next morning, still balling and in shock, we left Atlanta. While getting gas, Bryan offered to get out the car and get gas. But I decided to do it. And I am so glad that I did. B/c, as I was standing near the car, I saw a shiny object on the ground in the distance. A "lucky" penny...heads up. Something I always like to find, but not always looking for. I thought "this is God's way of telling me that I will be okay someday". Then the next day, I found another. Heads up. May seem silly to most, but it was his spirit telling me he will always be around. That I will be okay. At times, this gives me comfort. Then I read your words. And I knew. He will always be with me. I can talk to him and know he is with me. He is NOT gone afterall.

Also, knowing that he was/is my soul pet also made sense. I can't put it into words and won't try. But at least there is a label/name for it. And Versache will forever be my soul pet.

And thank you for giving me permissoin to come/go from here as needed. Today is my first day back. I didn't read moon_beams beautiful post until now. I just haven't had the strength until today.

So again, thank you for giving me the words I needed to "wake up" and begin my journey of healing. I hope to some day be able to do something so generous and loving for another person.

Moon_beam- You hit the nail on the head. Thank you so much. I must now adjust to his absence of his physical presence. What Bryan and I call our "new normal". You are right. It is the toughest experiences I've ever had. And probably will ever have emotionally. Oh what I'd give to hold him one more time, kiss his nose, or feel him laying on my ankles at the end of each day as I watched tv. Getting used to him being gone will take a long time. I'm sure I'm not the first person who's mind plays tricks. I keep forgetting to not look back at the door to make sure I don't shut it on his head when I come inside (I never could break him from wanting to kreen his head across the threashold to sniff the outdoor air!). THe other day, Bryan was saying bye to the kitties as we left for work. And automatically said...goodbye Chi Chi- be a good boy. We just looked at each other...we didn't need to say anything...we knew. I can hear his meow and funny sounds every now and then. I know this is my way of healing. And maybe his way of telling me he is still with me. I just hope I never forget his scent and his sounds. I miss his scent and feel of his fur the most. It all still seems so surreal. I am unable to look at pictures of him right now. But I know I have some great ones that really captured his personality. He was a character. More like a 2 year old human than a cat. He was the smartest cat either of us had ever met. When I am able to return with pics...I'll have a couple of stories too. He kept us on the move and never let us forget he was in the house with us.

I do find peace and comfort (and am thankful), I was home when this happened. I wasn't supposed to be there. And I normally wasn't downstairs when I was working at home. But I was. My greatest fear was that he would be alone when he passed. That I wouldn't be able to end his pain or say goodbye. I am also grateful for my other 2 cats who are also mourning...and know that I am mourning and have been comforting me in ways that they normally don't. So I know they know and love me too.

We will receive his remains today or tomorrow. Will be another tough step. Another realization. But I am ready to have him back with me now. We will have a memorial and will plant a perennial in his honor in the yard. A place where I can go to be with him. No one could touch him. All my friends knew that that permission was for me and Bryan only. And even when he was very upset (he didn't like company in the house much), I was the only one who could get through to him through the biting, scratching and hissing. He knew to stop when I came to him, b/c he was my soul pet. Anyhow, I will plant a pyracantha (spelling?). It is an evergreen bush that gets beautiful berries on it in the fall/winter. Yet is covered in thorns... I figure, if he didn't want to be petted in life, why should I get a plant that everyone can touch? The thought does allow me to smile a little.

Thanks to all of you again. You have know idea how comforting your words have been. And how healing it is to know that inbetween the tears, I can come here and express my feelings and be with others who understand.

Derrick

Hi, Derrick, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I am familiar with the pyracantha and am so smiling at your choice of bush to plant in loving honor of your beloved Versache. I know you will find great comfort as you look at it and remember your beloved boy.

Yes, getting our beloved companion's ashes back is a two sided coin - - the one side is that it is comforting having them home again where they belong while the other side is yet another "reality check" that they are no longer physically with us in the life form our hearts and arms long so much for them to be. I do so understand how you're feeling when you share with us "Oh what I'd give to hold him one more time, kiss his nose, or feel him laying on my ankles at the end of each day as I watched tv." - - It truly doesn't matter how much time we share with our companions on this side of eternity for we will always want just one more minute, one more hour, one more day - - one more lifetime with them.

I also know first hand similar experiences that you and Bryan had as you share with us: " THe other day, Bryan was saying bye to the kitties as we left for work. And automatically said...goodbye Chi Chi- be a good boy. We just looked at each other...we didn't need to say anything...we knew." This is perfectly normal, and I firmly believe that when we do things like this it is our beloved companion letting us know their sweet Living Spirit is present, and that we feel it more at that moment than we do at other times. There may even be times when you call one of your precious companions by Versache's name - - and this is also normal for the same reason - - your beloved Versache letting you know he is with you.

Derrick, this grief adjustment journey has many twists and turns, ups and downs and turn arounds to endure. Just when you think you are beyond the deepest grief, you may find yourself thinking of your beloved Versache and find yourself brought to your knees with a wave of seering pain. Even 20 years down the road you may find yourself thinking of your beloved boy and a mist will come to your eyes and a feeling of sorrow to your heart - - but I promise you, Derrick, that the moments of deep sorrow will ease and you will be able to focus on the warmth of eternal love you and your beloved Versache share - - and smile through the mist in your eyes and the sorrow that momentarily tugs at your heart.

No matter how much time passes in your grief journey, please know we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. There are no time limitations or restrictions here, and you are always among friends who truly do understand what you are going through.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Derrick, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Versache's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Oh Derrick

I am so happy that my clumsy words gave you so much peace. I don't know how I would survive if I thought that Gretta and Rufus had just "disappeared" from the universe when they left this world. Right after Gretta went home, the grief counselor at the Univerity of Minnesota said something to me that opened my mind. She said, "Animals choose their times to come and their times to go." Which let me know that before Gretta had appeared on this earth, she WAS, she was somewhere, she was alive, even though she probably was a spirit. And if that were true, then when she left thiis earth, she must be still living - somewhere somehow. Then Lovely Moonbeam, who is the mother of all of us here on Lightning Strike, one of the most knowing and caring persons in this world, explained to me as she has to so many others, about human beings living in a world of senses and when we can no longer sense something, we say it doesn't exist. That comforted me SO much. I grew up in a religion that believed in life after death and in heaven (and hell, of course). If people could live on after they left this earth, why couldn't our beloved animals? I have also studied and lived for a long time with a group of people from Southeast Asia whose belief about death is that the spirit remains as a functioning member of the family. They invite the person to celebrations and set out meals for them on special occasions. SO suddenly it dawned on me ....... Gretta's spirit was alive, SHE was alive, in spirit form.

Your finding pennies with heads up is DEFINITELY a signal. After my mother passed in 2003, I kept finding beautiful feathers. It took me a while to realize that these were being sent by my mother, most of the time telling me I was doing something right. One time I even found a two-foot long tail feather from a pheasant on one of the busiest streets in the metro area where I live. Pennies are your signal from Versache. Many people don't get any signals from their spirit animals. You are one of the VERY blessed ones. Here's a prediction from me: you will find these pennies for many, many years, maybe your whole life.

Part of my ancestry is Native American, who have a belief in spirit animals -- like the White Buffalo. Somehow I came to believe that once in a while, an animal and a person could share a single soul. (Soul-mates). I believe Gretta and I shared a soul and that Rufus and I also shared a soul - though a different one. People who met Gretta on our walks used to say she looked so kind. And I think this is the lesson she came to teach me, since I'm outwardly pretty gruff or cynical. Rufus was another lesson. He is a BIG dog - half black lab- half Newfie - 100+ pounds. And, besides my father and my ex-husband, he was the first male in my life. He taught me about strength, courage, standing firm, doing what has to be done.

Versache searched the universe over to find you - his soulmate. Then, as if that weren't amazing enough, he put himself in your path so you would find him. And you were the only one she showed affection for when he was on the earth. He IS your soulmate. And what a soulmate he is - sending you a bright, new, shiny penny on one of the first days after he went home - to tell you he was OK, more than OK, he is SHINING up there in the Perfect World. And you can talk to him, write to him, think of him any time you want to and he hears you. I often write to Rufus and Gretta here on LS. I call on them in times of trouble and they give me spiritual strength. Sometimes a group of us here on LS organize what we call "prayer-hums" - one of us will be in some very bad or dangerous situation so the others will ask their soul-mates in the Perfect World to get together at a certain time and, since they don't speak English, just HUM in prayer.

This post is WAY too long - but I wanted to share some things with you about the beliefs that comfort me. But there are the DAYS you talk about. I post a lot here, usually in the very early morning. And every time I talk to Gretta or Rufus or someone whose furbaby has just gone to the Perfect World - I CRY! But I know that Gretta and Rufus and now Versache are alive and well and that one day we will all meet again in the Perfect World, never to be separated again.

Listen carefully - you'll be able to hear just the faintest purr and guess who that will be? Mr V!

In fellowship,

Gretta and Rufus's mom

Derrick, I just lost my girl Anna yesterday. She was on our laps and kissed us one more time before she was "asleep." It was the right decision for us too, but I can't believe she is gone. Our pain too is fresh and we are having waves of grief and disbelief.

We understand completely what you are experiencing and share your grief.

this is a wonderful site......we all know how painful the journey is, but we go through it with others