Hi everyone! I'm new here & I hope I'm in the right place.
So many of you have such recent loss & I'm very sorry for you.
I understand your pain. I was wondering if there's anyone that has lost a fur baby that is not recent.
I lost our beautiful, loving, protective (I could go on forever) dog Bear 12/4/2005. She was a shepherd/Akita mix.
I had to have her PTS because she was in pain with hip problems because of her age (15 years old). I held her the whole time, telling her how much I love her. We had her since she was 5 weeks old. I thought my world would end that day. I spent 3 months in my bedroom just wanting to join her. I thank God for my sons because if not for having them, I think I would have joined her. My sons are my life & made me keep going. I still blame myself for making the decision to have my baby girl PTS...
I lost our precious boy Kitty 3/31/2006. He was a Maine Coon. He was the funniest most talkative cat I have ever seen. After spending weeks morning noon night & middle of the night fighting a liver disease that the vet gave us less then a 5% chance of beating, he made it. I thought this handsome guy could fight anything till 2 years later a tumor was found in his belly & once again I had to make the decision to have another loved one PTS. I also held him & told him how much I loved him.
My last love is our Spooky Girl. She was a regular house cat. She was showing signs of old age & I said we have only 6 months left with her. Unfortunately I was right. It was right at 6 months & we found her laying in the closet and I knew what was happening. I brought her out & held her till she went to sleep.
I have had 3 loves of my life die right in my arms. I wouldn't do it any other way & leave them. I wanted them to know they were loved right to the very end (and after)
My problem is I still can't get over the immense pain I still feel this long after. Does anyone have anything that's helped them? I had special candles made for them with their pictures on them that I light for them on birthdays, death days & holidays. I can't let go of the pain & I still can't stop the tears.
I also have another problem I don't know how to change. It took me several years before I was able to get another dog after Bear. I now have 2. My 1st dog, I used Bears name & changed the letters around to make her Brea (long E). My problem is I won't let myself get close to them because I know one day they will also die in my arms & I don't want, can't take that pain again. I thought I'd be ok when I got them but I'm not. They deserve so much more then I can give them but I don't know how to do that when all I think about is the future pain I'll feel if I let myself get too close. This means my husband has to make up for my time too..
Has anyone ever had these feeling & if you did, how did you get over it?
Any help is greatly appreciated!
I'm very sorry this is so long. I didn't know how to explain it any shorter.
Thank you to anyone who might answer..

Bears Mom Always

Hi, Bears Mom, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please permit me to try to offer you some comfort and encouragement.

Even though the deep grief eases over a period of time there are still times when we will deeply miss the physical presence of our beloved companions, and it is natural to feel sad moments even YEARS after our beloved companions join the angels. You have experienced multiple losses in a short period of time, and this will intensify and can prolong the grief adjustment journey. Sometimes the stress of grieving can cause temporary clinical depression, and if you are concerned about this it might be a good idea for you to talk to your doctor.

Contrary to society's attitude toward grieving the loss of a beloved companion - - there is no "getting over" it or "accepting" it or "moving on". Rather the grief journey is one of adjustment to the physical absence of our beloved companions, and this can only be done one day at a time in your own way and in your own time. Unfortunately there is no "magical" date on the calendar that you can look at and say the sorrow in your heart is gone. Again, the only thing we can do is take one day at a time with confidence that the love bond we share with our beloved companions is eternal, and embrace their sweet Living Spirits who are forever with us in our hearts and memories.

I am so sorry you are having difficulty bonding with your two canine companions. Sometimes even though our hearts want to have a forever relationship with another precious companion - - in reality we find this cannot happen for whatever reasons. This does not make you a "bad" person. You are loving them by giving them a safe home and taking care of their physical and medical needs. You are not ignoring them, you are not depriving them of what they need. Each relationship we have with our companions, as we have with individual people, is unique. Some relationships are closer than others - - some friendships are closer than others. We cannot give to a relationship what we are not emotionally able to give. Just do the best you can with your precious canine companions. Don't look down the road as to when they will no longer be physically with you but rather focus on the moments you have with them NOW. The reality is the future is out of our control - - all our precious companions ask is that we love them NOW.

I know sometimes there are no "easy answers" particularly when it comes to matters of the heart, but I hope I have been able to give you some comfort, encouragement, and hope as you continue your grief adjustment journey. One of the many things you need to remember is that you are not alone. Each of us are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. Sometimes we get so busy with the day to day routines and expectations that we do not give ourselves the time we need to release our deep sorrow - - and this can also prolong the grief adjustment journey.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Bears Mom, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Bear's, Kitty's, and Spooky Girl's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Bears Mom, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

moon_beam,
Thank you so much for replying and for your words of comfort. I felt very strange posting when so many people have such recent loss and pain. I didn't know where to turn after all this time. So I thank you very much for that.
I lost 6 family members in the time between loosing my babies. With the exception of my father, which hasn't been that long, I've gotten over those losses. This makes it harder for me to understand why I can't get over loosing my fur babies.
I try so hard to love my new ones like I did my Bear but the future of what's to come makes me back off, besides the feeling of betraying Bear by loving them in the same way as her. Please don't get me wrong, I love my pups and spend as much time with them as my mind allows but I can't get past that point where they need me to be. There are certain things I won't do with them because that was a 'Bear & Me thing'.
I still haven't been able to get another cat because of what I'm going through with my pups even though I waited several years to get them..

I do take your words to heart and I will try to maybe try things different. I've thought about finding someone to talk to since the day I lost Bear, then Kitty, then Spooky. I was told nobody would see me for the loss of a pet. It was because I was weak or wanted attention etc. I heard it all. 'Just get over it' was the hardest to hear. I would just tell them 'let me cut a piece of your heart out and then do it again two more times and see you 'just get over it'. My husband is the most understanding. He was with me as I held Bear as she went to sleep. Kitty and Spooky, I held them alone because we didn't know it was going to happen and he was at work. He is right there beside me to take over with whatever I'm doing with our pups when I say I can't do this anymore. Whether it's brushing, playing, hugging, anything.
I hope everyone here has someone as wonderful as my husband, that understands, even years later.

I will take your advise and try my hardest to live for today with them and not think of what will happen in the future. I've just got to work on the guilt of feeling I'm betraying Bear.

Thank you again...

Bears Mom Always

I thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new.
I thought about you yesterday, and days before that too.
I think of you in silence, I often speak your name,
All I have are memories and your picture in a frame.
Your memory is my keepsake with which I'll never part.
God has you in His keeping, I have you in my heart

Hi, Bears Mom, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal when you share with us: "There are certain things I won't do with them because that was a 'Bear & Me thing'." I hope someday you will come to find peace in your heart that the love bond you develop with your new precious companions belongs only with them - - they are not your beloved Bear and never will be -- and that's how it is supposed to be. Each relationship we have with our precious companions is unique because each companion is uniquely individual. Developing a bond with your precious pups will in no way diminish the eternal love bond you and your beloved Bear share, and I hope someday you will be able to find confidence in your heart to know this, too.

While clinical professionals now recognize that the grief journey for the physical loss of a beloved companion is identical to the physical loss of a human family member or friend, sadly our society in general - - and sometimes the people who are closest to us emotionally and geographically - - do not. I am so very sorry you have had to endure the hateful words, "it's just a dog / cat - - get over it." Sadly this is a more common reaction from people who truly do not understand the eternal love bond we share with our companions - - even from people who have "pets" in their homes but these pets are thought more of "property" than as precious companions with thoughts and feelings and the ability to love deeply and completely.

When our companions come into our hearts, our lives are changed for the better. They give to us their unconditional love and undivided attention, and we in turn surrender ourselves to them without fear of rejection. They do not judge us for our social status, or lack thereof, or our financial wealth, or lack thereof, and they do not care what lodging they share with us be it a tent, a cardboard box, an expressway underpass, a modest home, or the most exquisite mansion. They do not care what we look like - - if we are physically or emotionally challenged, if we are pretty or handsome, or if we are the "king" or "queen" or "prince" or "princess" of the ball. All they ask is that we love them and do the very best for them that we can. Because of their ability to accept us unconditionally, it is NO SURPRISE that when they join the angels we find our hearts and lives deeply and permanently affected. This does not mean that we love our human family members or friends less - - it simply means that the relationships we have with our precious companions are uniquely special, and the love bond we share with them transcends the physical laws of time and space - - and there is no logical way that we will ever "get over" them or ever stop missing them when they precede us to the angels.

It is my sincerest hope and prayer that one day you will be able to think of your beloved Bear, Kitty, and Spooky and find yourself smiling - - truly smiling - - even though there may still be a mist in your eyes - - so that you can also begin to feel the warmth of their sweet Living Spirits fill your heart with their eternal love.

I promise you, Bears Mom, that each of us here DO understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. You are among friends here - - there are no "expiration dates" here to come and share what is in your heart and on your mind.

Once again, Bears Mom, I hope today is treating you kindly, Bears Mom, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Bear's, Kitty's, and Spooky Girl's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Bears Mom, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi moon_beam,
You really seem to have the just right things to say. I very much appreciate it. I try so hard not to compare my pups to my Bear but I sometimes lose that battle. I got two pups that look 100% different then Bear thinking it would be easier. But that hasn't happened. Like I said before, I love them but I can't seem to let myself get to the point of my love for Bear. My love for her is beyond explainable. To some people the things I do seem wrong. Things like, I won't let them use her leash, brush, etc. I bought them their own. Your words have helped me so much that even with your couple posts I think 'I can do this'. Then in the next minute I feel I'm fighting a losing battle to get to that point.
I will continue to try (thanks to your words). You've not called me weak, etc or told me to 'get over it'. You have no idea who I am and you have been kinder and not judge mental at all like most of my friends and some of my family and that means the world to me. Thank you for that. If I can go on thinking the way you're trying to get me to, I might even be able to add to my family with a kitten or two.

I haven't read a lot on the site. A lot of it brings me back to my angels and I just cry. But, I was wondering if you might want to tell me your story if you don't mind. I understand if you don't.
Maybe even where I could go to read your story if you don't want to tell it.

Thank you again so very much

Bears Mom

Hi, Bears Mom, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I promise you this is a safe place where you can share with us what is in your heart and on your mind without fear of judgment or recrimination.

It is PERFECTLY OKAY for you to NOT allow your new companions to use your beloved Bear's leash, brushes, toys, blankets - - whatever your beloved Bear used during her earthly journey with you belongs to only to BEAR - - if this is what YOU want. This is NOT being mean - - it is a way of honoring your beloved Bear that YOU need to do. For each of my beloved companions when they joined the angels I saved some of the things that belonged only to them and put them in a "treasure box." Other things I donated to their veterniary care provider, and other things I felt quite comfortable sharing with new companions. YOU must do for YOU what helps YOU through this grief adjustment journey.

I do have topics here on this wonderful forum in Death and Dying - - a topic on my beloved canine companion Oslo titled "Oslo" and a topic on my beloved beautiful kitty baby girl Abbygayle titled "Abbygayle's Journey." I also have a topic on Pet Disease and Illness titled "My Precious Noah". On Monday, December 11, 2006, my beloved number one kitty son Eli joined the angels at 6 years of age due to end stage Lymphoma. On Sunday, November 29, 2009, my beloved canine companion Oslo joined the angels at 15 years of age due to a sudden stroke. He had many other medical issues, but it was a stroke that took him suddenly that Thanksgiving weekend. And on Monday, March 15, 2010, my beloved beautiful baby girl Abbygayle - - Noah's sibling sister - - joined the angels due to end stage Fibrosarcoma. This time last year exactly I nearly lost my precious Noah. Tomorrow, 9/25, will be one year exactly that he underwent emergency surgery for what turned out to be a twisted intestine - - which if it had not be surgically corrected as quickly as it was would have been fatal. I am happy to share that my precious Noah is doing well, and I am grateful for his precious company as he will be my last companion on this side of eternity because of my age and now progressing physical challenges due to serious injuries sustained several years ago.

Through my many years on this side of eternity I have been blessed with the company of other beloved companions who are now with the angels, and even now sometimes when I think of them a mist comes to my eyes and a sorrow fills my heart missing them. But these tears and sorrow are also accompanied with a smile and warmth in my heart remembering our many treasured memories.

So I hope in sharing this with you, scoutsmom, that you will find hope and encouragement that one day you WILL be able to be remember your beloved Bear, Kitty, and Spooky Girl with a happy heart - - but it will only happen in your own way and your own time. There is no pre-determined time for this happen, Bears Mom.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Bears Mom, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Bear's, Kitty's, and Spooky Girl's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Bears Mom, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

bears mom.. i know exactly how you feel..!! i just lost my honey cat 3 weeks ago so the pain is still fresh. i lost my maine coon kit kat a few years ago and i still think of him often and cry. BUT.... what your saying about not wanting to get close to your pets because you dont wanna go through the pain when they pass....i think the same exact thing!!!!! i feel like the closer you are to them, the worse the pain will be when they pass..my mother in laws cat died 9 years ago and she refuses to get another cat because she says it hurts too much when they die...i never understood her, but when my honey died i completely understood what she meant. i keep saying that when my beep dies, "my black cat who was diagnosed with liver cancer last month:", i;m not ever getting another cat/dog, nothing!!! but then i stop and think that there are sooooooooooooooooo many poor lonely animals out there who need love, and i have alot of love to give... and it sounds like you do too!!! give your love bears mom!!!!! dont hold back because of the fear of pain and loss!!!!! there are too many animals in this world who need a mom like you!