It has been one week since I had to let him go. I had the vet come to my house so he wouldn't be scared. He doesn't like the vet and gets nervous sine his chemo treatments. He outlived his dx that he would be gone in four weeks once we stopped his treatment. They were not working and I was told he had about four weeks left. That was 6 months ago. I kept him on prednisone and two months ago when I thought he might be in pain added some pain meds, then he was back to normal.
I did everything I thought was best for him for 15 yrs. but in the end I let him down, my guilt is so horribly painful. I just keep seeing him looking at me, like he was so hurt I let someone hurt him.
You see I had stopped his groomer from doing anything except a bath because his tumors were getting so large I was scared it would hurt him. My vet agreed that was fine but he was getting matted and he did need a trim around a few body parts. So I took him and I don't know what happened but she shaved him. He was sick the rest of the afternoon and the large tumor had started to ooze, so I had him put tp sleep the next evening. But he seemed fine the morning I took him to the groomer it was only after I picked him up that he seem to be so very sick. So had I of not taken him he would still be with me maybe.
I just feel like I let her hurt him and speeded up his death or maybe I just needed to wait a few days to see if it was just the shock of being shaved. He just looked at me so very sad before the vet came, like he knew what I was doing and was hurt or scared. I just don't know. But my husband isn't very supportive and just doesn't understand.
I can't stand to go home because he was always waiting at the door or into our kitchen, he was a little beggar and I was forever tripping over him and he got his meds there three times a day. And of course the bedroom every night I would wake him up so we could go to bed and the last month I would get up in the middle of the night to help him up for a drink or whatever. We have wood floors and he had a hard time getting up because his paws would slide on the floor lately. But not always just at times.
I just love him so much and the thought I may have caused him pain and speeded up his death is something I can't stand. I keep praying he will send me a sign that its ok and he forgives me. But after a week I still don't have it, so I an only keep praying and hope some of this pain goes away soon. I'm sure a lot of this will just sound like rambling and it probably is but I just needed to vent. You see I left the house two days after his death and I will be going back in two days . Just don't want to go back home without him there!!!

Hi, Scootersmom, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Scooter. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels. How so very fortunate that your beloved Scooter's transition journey was able to done in the place he loves the most - - his home surrounded by the sights and sounds and smells of everything - - and everyone - - he loves.

Scootersmom, please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief - - very painful both emotionally and physically, yes - - still very normal. One of the many emotions ALL of us experience is grief / remorse - - for it is based on looking back and trying to make sense of things - - trying to find a "reason for" - - the events as they happened. Please let me try to reassure you that taking your beloved Scooter to the groomer in no way hastened his physical decline. You did everything in your human and humane power to give him a happy and healthy earthly journey. Please know that your beloved Scooter is eternally grateful to you for releasing him from his painful failing physical body so that his sweet Living Spirit - - which makes Scooter who he is - - can continue to share your earthly journey as he always has and always will.

This grief adjustment journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity for it is a journey that is filled with all the "first withouts" and the memories that can be very painful right now that include "this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year" to endure. It is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time sometimes one moment at a time in your own way and in your time. Unfortunately, sometimes the people who are closest to us emotionally and geographically do not understand that the grief journey for a beloved companion is identical to the grief journey for a human family member or friend. This is why this wonderful forum is here for each of us to come and share what is in our hearts without fear of judgment or reproach. So please know, Scootersmom, that each of us here do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

I know all too well from first hand experience that when our hearts are filled with deep grief there really are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will be offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

The good news in the midst of all this deep sorrow is that the love bond you and your beloved Scooter share is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Scooter's sweet Living Spirit is always and forever a part of your heart and memories, Scootersmom - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

Thank you so much for honoring us by sharing your beloved Scooter with us. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing a picture(s) of him with us, but only when / if you want to. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Scootersmom, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Scootersmom -
I'm so sorry for your loss and all the pain you're going through right now. I lost my Vienna 2 weeks ago tomorrow and I still can't believe she's gone...or imagine a happy life without her. But as I've realized through reading the posts of others, what I'm going through is an experience that's unfortunately common for all of us. What you're going through right now seems "normal" as well even though it feels anything but.

I just wanted to say that I think the guilt is common no matter what the circumstances. I was just thinking, before I read your post, would I feel any less pain about Vienna if I knew she weren't scared or in pain at the end. Probably not. And I don't have any way to know what it was really like for her. I think the doubt and uncertainty is what's underneath our guilt. I keep trying to focus on how much love I her throughout her life with me...as well as how much love and happiness she showed my every day. I think we have to believe that the good far outweighed the bad.

I also wanted to share with you some hope or encouragement that at some point you'll have the sign you're looking for. I've seen so many others who've mentioned receiving some sort of message that their beloved pet is OK and sending love to them. Like you, I've been haunted by many thoughts that I may have hastened or contributed to Vienna's illness and death...or that I didn't comfort her enough...or that she didn't know how much I loved her...or whatever. But last week, I had a dream that I was holding her tight (something she didn't typically love...but would tolerate) and I knew she was happy. Then I dreamed about her laying in her favorite spot in the backyard and barking wildly at the door like she did when she was excited. I also had the weird occurrence of posting something about her on Facebook and having the post below it (not from me) get squashed up against it. The post below was humorous but said something to the effect of "God hasn't been this sad in several millennia." I take all of these things as Vienna's way of trying to comfort me and let me know that she felt my love and still does.

Like you, I couldn't go home for several days. I live alone and it's an incredibly lonely place now without my best friend here. But it was also her house so there's nowhere else that contains her spirit like here. I totally understand your situation though. There are so many reminders that I've had to learn to deal with individually and at the time that feels right. I haven't put up her bed or bowls. But I will when it feels right. In time, I'm sure you'll feel her presence at your home and it'll become a place of comfort and solace again.

I guess I don't really have any advice to offer as I'm still dealing with the daily struggle to get on without her physical presence. Some days are fairly good and I can think of the good times with her. Other days, like yesterday and today, I've probably cried more than I've felt OK. But I do know that others on this forum are the most constant source of support I've found. And I'm sure others will echo what I've said...especially the assurance that you did the absolute best you possibly could in an impossible situation. There's just nothing about the situations that brought any of us to this forum that would ever feel good or give us a sense of certainty that we did the right thing. But what's clear from your post and those of others is that we loved our furry friends deeply and that everything we did was with their care and comfort in mind. I really think that the depth of your despair is just a mirror of how deeply you loved Scooter. He's not in pain now and the good times for him by far exceed the limited discomfort he could've felt. It's just unfortunate...but completely normal...that its so painful for you.

Take care and I hope you find some comfort in the support we all send to you.

Tara

Scootersmum,

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I know, from first-hand experience, that guilt is a stubborn thing and that what others tell you makes little difference, but, for what it's worth, all I see from your post is you did everything in your power for Scooter's well-being and only meant the best for him.
I too have been asking my baby for a long time to send me a sign and I was getting frustrated, but then I realized that sometimes our deep grief and guilt make it difficult to see the signs. Don't rush it, give yourself time to heal and rest assured your sign will come.
Thank you so much for your kind reply to my post and for generously comforting me when your own loss was so fresh.
Hugs, sending you thoughts of peace and healing.