It's been nearly three months since I lost my cat baby Rufus and I miss him so bad it breaks my heart. He was only four and I cannot stop thinking that I failed him. I know it's supposed to be a normal reaction to grief but, sadly, in my case it's true, it WAS all my fault. He had been very sick last summer, they said it was a gall stone, but, finally, after a lot of treatment we managed to pull him through. The only trouble is after that I became a bit paranoid and started feeding him less wet food (although it was already diet food), especially after he seemed to develop a bit of diarrhoea (though it may have been me being paranoid again). I was constantly on the phone with the vet, trying new dry food diets, but it never occurred to me to start feeding him more wet food. Eventually, the vet proposed doing some more tests and my baby was diagnosed with triaditis, we tried a number of treatments, but they didn't seem to help either. He stopped eating dry food altogether and would eat even less wet food than I was giving him. We were just about to start some acupuncture sessions and, frustrated with his lack of appetite, I thought it might be a good idea to start giving him boiled meat. I checked with the vet, he said it was ok, so I started feeding him boneless chicken breast. He seemed to enjoy it at first and, thinking it was the healthiest food for him (boy, was I wrong), I gave thim that for about two weeks. I tried tempting him with it even when he clearly didn't want it and only when all else failed did I switch to Hill's id. Again, he seemed to enjoy it for a couple of days, then he wouldn't touch it, in fact, he seemed to have less and less of an appetite and was becoming very lethargic. Eventually he stopped eating altogether, the vet suggested running some more tests and this time they found he had a severe anaemia and his pancreatitis had gotten worse. They got him on iv, I took him for three blood transfusions, after the third transfusion he started urinating blood and died in my arms during the night. Sorry to bore you with all the details, I just wanted to give you a gist of all the things I feel guilty about (there's more actually, but these would be the main things). My question is how can I possibly live with myself after all the stupid mistakes I made, how could I have been so blind and not realize I was actually malnourishing him? How come it never occured to me to try offering him more appetizing foods, even when he stopped eating altogether? I should have researched more about his illness and the proper diet, I should have quizzed the vet more, I should have acted faster when I saw how lethargic he was becoming. I feel I am a terrible person and I will never forget the look in his eyes as life was draining out of him...

Hi, Wracked with guilt, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Rufus. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company.

This grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is a journey that is filled with many different emotions that can overwhelm us all at one time - - it is a journey that is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. One of the many emotions EVERYONE experiences to some degree is guilt / remorse - - which comes from looking back and trying to make sense of all the things that didn't quite "add up" at the time they were happening, and asking ourselves the soul-searching questions that include the "whys" "I should have / have not", and on and on and on.

When our companion's appetite begins to fail, this is an indication that the effects of the illness / injury have progressed to the point of their physical bodies shutting down. Sometimes this is a temporary situation and with your loving efforts you did EVERYTHING you could - - that ANY ONE could - - to try to restore your beloved Rufus' appetite. But when it progresses, their little bodies cannot tolerate food and the digestion process it requires - - which is why they consistently refuse food. This is a normal process when the physical body cannot tolerate food, and force feeding at this point is more harmful. I do know from first hand experience the pain of deep sorrow you are feeling seeing your beloved Rufus decline before your eyes despite all your efforts to keep him healthy.

Hopefully, in time, you will come to know that your beloved Rufus knows you did everything in your power to give him a happy and healthy earthly journey. Medical practice - - be it human or veterinary - - is not an exact science. Sometimes our companion's medical care providers can provide treatment that will enable them to have a good quality of life - - while sometimes - - as is sadly the case of your beloved Rufus - - all the treatment in the world cannot - - with the only way they can be healed and restored to their former youthfulness is by them transitioning home to the angels.

And hopefully in time you will also come to know that the love bond you and your beloved Rufus share is eternal. It is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Rufus' sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey as he always has and always will - - for he is always and forever a part of your heart and memories -- he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I also know from first hand experience that when our hearts are filled with deepest grief there really are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of sorrow. Still I hope and pray the words I share with you will be able to offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Wracked with guilt, thank you so much for sharing your beloved Rufus with us. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing a picture of him with us - - but only when / if you want to. One of the many things you need to remember is that you are not alone in your grief adjustment journey - - for each of us here do understand what you are going through and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Wracked with guilt, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Wracked with Guilt,

Let me say how sorry I am for the loss of your sweet Rufus. I know how hard it is as I lost my two kitties (Joe and Steve) just six weeks ago. My cat, Steve, was in kidney failure and we first noticed something was wrong because he stopped eating. I understand the food dilemma, but maybe my experience with Steve will help ease your mind and take away some of the guilt. After he was diagnosed, we started feeding him kidney formula wet food, which he loved for a few days and then refused to eat it. So, I tried another wet food that was supposed to be better than regular stuff and he loved it for a few days and then stopped eating it. I finally gave him anything he would eat. Any dry or wet food that he would eat would be in his dish. He would love each one for a day or two and then, no more. He continued to lose weight and his condition progressed despite everything else we were doing (medications, sub-Q fluids, etc.).

As Moon Beam said in her post, when cats are sick, they lose the desire to eat. It's a sign of their downward progression of illness. So, the truth of the matter is that even if you had given Rufus food that was more appetizing, he probably would have stopped eating that, too. I also found that to be the case with my cat, Crissy, who passed away years ago at age 3. She had liver failure and no matter what I tried to feed her, she just wouldn't eat.

I do understand the guilt that comes with the passing of a beloved furry one. Even though my cats were old when they died recently, I have run different "what if" scenarios through my head. Could I have done anything differently? Was there something I should have noticed sooner? It's a normal thing to do, I guess, as I have read the same sentiments from so many others in this forum.

Just rest knowing that everything you did was for him and in the hopes that he would get better. He knew how much you loved him. There are just some things we can't know, can't do and we're left with that after they're gone. I hope you'll be able to allow yourself to release the guilt so you can work toward dwelling on happier times with your little kitty.

I hope you'll have a restful day.

CritzyJ

Thank you so much for your kind replies and for sharing your stories with me.
I'm so sorry for the losses that brought you here.
Rationally speaking, I know there's no way of telling if feeding him another diet or getting him on iv sooner would have made any difference, but I wish so bad I had done it. I simply cannot understand how come it didn't occur to me at the time or how I could miss the signs. Both my vet and my therapist try to persuade me that I shouldn't blame myself and that some things simply happen as they are supposed to happen, but I cannot get past the nagging feeling that, had I done things differently, my baby would still be here today.
Thoughts of peace and comfort to you too!

Hi, Wracked with guilt, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. It is so easy for others to tell us we "should not" feel a certain way when our hearts are deeply grieving for "what might have been, could have been - - if only". Sometimes even though we do not "feel" it ourselves we need to rely on and have "blind faith in" the encouragement of others until we are able to come to believe for ourselves what they are saying.

Please let me try to offer you some comfort by reaffirming to you that you are in my thoughts and prayers that hopefully, one day, you will be able to find a peace in your heart about the events that happened with your beloved Rufus so that you will be able to begin to remember him with a happy heart - - which is what he wants for you.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Wracked with guilt, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Rufus' sweet Living Spirit to comfort you, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi wracked with guilt, I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm told (and I'm seeing it in everyone's experiences, plus experiencing it myself), that no matter what we do we'll feel guilt when our pet dies.

My beautiful cat Hercules died Monday of last week, and he too stopped eating, and drinking. I tried putting every food I could think of in front of him. Premium human grade food from a specialty pet store. Tuna. Tuna juice. Kitten milk. Then I felt guilty because he had all the best food in front of him, and couldn't eat it. This was a cat that normally LOVED food, so I feel like he wanted it but just couldn't eat. Then I felt bad about that, and I tried feeding him with a syringe. He didn't even want to be fed that way, and despite his lack of energy, he kept his mouth shut and for most foods he moved his head away. More guilt. He did let me squirt in some of his mushed up regular wet food, but he drooled it all out. The kitten milk was a bit more successful and despite being able to tell that he liked the taste, he still only swallowed a little bit.

Anyway, I'm rambling and sorry to go on about my experience, but what I'm trying to say is that different food may not have worked anyway, and we'll always find something to feel guilty about. I know it's not rational, but it's just part of it.

It's obvious you did the best you could for Rufus, and he was lucky to have you.

Hi Wracked with guilt -
I'm so sorry for your loss. My girl Vienna died of pancreatitis at a relatively young age (9) as well. So I know intimately the guilt of feeling like I fed her the wrong things that brought about her premature death. Vienna LOVED peanut butter and I gave it to her in a Kong several times a day. She'd had a bout of pancreatitis when she was much younger and never had it again until the last time. The vet told me that the peanut butter shouldn't have caused the severe reaction she had. But I keep thinking "if only..." However, as time passes, it's getting easier to think of how happy and healthy she was on a daily basis because of how well I cared for her throughout her life.

I've had to work really hard on a daily basis to let go of the guilt. And it certainly hasn't gone away yet. Vienna passed 2weeks ago tomorrow so I'm still pretty early in this grieving process. But my guilt is starting to ease a bit as I accept the support offered to me by my vet and the kind people on this forum who understand the guilt but also understand that with any medical condition, even doing everything exactly right might not have made a difference. I don't know if this is really helpful to you. But I think guilt is just a misguided attempt by our brains to make sense of something as unfathomable and painful as the death of those we loved so deeply.

I hope you're doing better each day and giving yourself credit for the good care you gave Rufus. The bulk of his life was no doubt happy and filled with love.

Tara

By the way, I meant to mention that there's a good article in the area at the top of this forum that addresses guilt. I think the thread is called something like "here's an article I just wrote". It was helpful to me.

Tara

Thank you for your kind words, Herculeslove and Tara, I'm so sorry for your losses.
I had another flare-up of guilt yesterday thinking how he had fully recovered after last year's problems and how, in my paranoid attempt to prevent such problems from ever re-occurring, I might have ended up making him ill again.
Reading some more about his illness didn't help either.
I realize that wrestling with guilt is something you have to do on a daily basis, but some days are harder than others.
Hugs, sending you thoughts of peace and healing!

Wracked_with_guilt:

I read your post and am so sorry for your loss. It is obvious from what you wrote that you did everything you could for Rufus. All of us here are grieving in our own way but we each understand what you are going through. My husband and I lost our furry baby Scarlett two months ago and are still reeling from the guilt. She was so young, only 7. For us, I think we will always feel some guilt - even after speaking to the ER Vet and the holistic Vet that we were taking our Scarlett to.

This grieving process is difficult. We love our furry ones and would do anything for them - we were responsible for every aspect of their lives - I've recently come to realize that this is where the guilt comes from - we took our responsibility as their caretaker seriously.

I am still in deep grief but this place has helped enormously. We are each learning to adjust to this "new" life without our furry ones and it sucks. For me, I feel like a child learning to walk, crawling, pulling myself up from the ground and then just when I feel like I've found my balance I fall to the ground again. We are each putting one foot in front of the other and learning to walk on this journey, some days are better than others.

I hope you are having a good day, I will be keeping you in my thoughts and sending you healing energy.


Scarlett's Mom

Thank you for your words of encouragement, Scarlett's Mom, and I'm so very sorry for your loss.
I suppose you're right and our guilt is largely a by-product of our responsibility and love, even if we did do everything in our power (which you obviously did, as I could tell reading through your posts) or if we didn't make any catastrophic mistakes (which I sadly know now I did), we would still find something to blame ourselves for.
One foot in front of the other is the best we can do, hoping the road gets less rocky with time (or that any step gets us a lit bit closer to our babies, which, in all honesty, is what keeps me going right now).
Praying you and your husband find peace and healing!
Mihaela