My soulmate, my best friend, my cat "Scout", healthy and only 7 years old, died tragically after drowning in our pool 2 weeks ago.

I am overcome with guilt and feel it is my fault. I let him down and should have protected and saved him. I just don't know how to forgive myself. Scout was an indoor/outdoor cat his whole life. I tried to keep him inside but he had his own personality and always wanted to go out when it was nice out. He has been going outside since as long as I can remember. I figured he was a veteran pro from being outside as we have lived in a townhome, a farm, and a suburb home with a pool during his life. Last summer he was out much more and the pool was open. He never showed any interest in the pool at all. I never saw him climb on the ledge before and I have been outside with him a lot. I used to have a house with a much larger inground pool in the backyard and he never went near it even though he went outside so I never thought he would try to go into the pool.

This particular evening I was kind of in a bad mood from work, I came home and said hi to Scout but didn't really give him a lot of extra attention. I feel so bad that I didn't give him any treats or cuddle him up that day. My fiance was grilling out and Scout wanted to go outside so he opened the door for him.

Scout often would disappear when outside only to reappear hours later. Though lately, he hadn't been going out as much. I never let him stay out after dark and I trained him since he was a kitten to come to the sound of me clinging his food dish with a spoon. He ALWAYS came no matter what when he heard that sound and I gave him food. Well after about 2 hours I realized he had been outside awhile and it was just before sunset so I went to the side door where a tree is that he liked to sleep under and started calling for him and clanging the dish&spoon. He didn't come so I went out into the backyard and started making the sound with the dish but to my horror I looked over to our swimming pool, and there he was floating on top. I'll never get that image out of my head. I screamed, dropped the dish I was banging on ran to the pool and fished him out. He was already gone. I panicked. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to give CPR to a cat. My fiance ran outside and is professionally trained in CPR and started giving him CPR like you would give to a baby. He tried for 10 minutes doing CPR but it didn't work. Now I feel terrible because I have been researching how to give a cat CPR and we should have held him upside down and shake him back and forth so the water would drain from his lungs...I hate that I didn't think to google "cat cpr" when this was happening. I was just in panic. My fiance said it doesn't matter that he was already cold and gone and he tried to give him CPR for several minutes. I still wish I would have googled how to give a cat CPR so maybe I could have brought him back...

I feel so absolutely horrible still. I was majorly depressed the first few days and took 2 days off work. We were sitting on the couch the entire time just feet from the pool with the screen door wide open because it was the first nice day of the summer when it wasn't too hot or rainy and we never heard any splashing or sounds. I went out the next day and we put the TV on the same volume level and made a splash in the pool and had my fiance sit where we were and he said he could hear the splash. It just seems I would have been able to hear him if he was struggling for his life in any way.

I feel horrible and like the worst person in the world. My Scout still had so much life ahead of him still and because I didn't save him he is gone. I just can't live with myself knowing I didn't save him and was just sitting nearby as he drowned.

I don't know how I will ever get over this. It wasn't like he was sick and old -- as sad as that is-- he was still young and healthy. He was supposed to stick around 10+ more years. I just feel horrible that this happened to my poor baby Scout.

I don't even know why I am writing this , I am sure most people will think I am horrible for letting him outside-- I just needed to write about it. I'll never forgive myself. All I do now is go to his spot where he would always sit on our couch and look out the window and I cry--every night since this happened. I hug the cushion because his fur is still on it. I miss my baby so much.

Hi, scoutsmom, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Scout. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Losing your beloved Scout so tragically intensifies the grief.

Please let me try to offer you some words of comfort and encouragement as you travel your grief adjustment journey. This grief journey is filled with many different emotions that can overwhelm us all at one time - - it is a journey that is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. One of the many emotions ALL of us experience is guilt / remorse, and it is one of the hardest emotions to reconcile - - because guilt / remorse comes from the looking back at circumstances that we did not know or had no control over, and our minds try to "make sense" of what happened by asking all the "what if", if only", and "why didn't I"questions.

Scoutsmom, there is no doubt in my mind that you did EVERYTHING both humanly and humanely possible to give your beloved Scout a happy, healthy, and safe earthly journey. Since he had never shown any interest in the pool before there was no reason for you to have any indication that he would venture close to it on that horrible fateful day 2 weeks ago. I know from first hand experience from a traumatic event several years ago how your heart wishes you could turn back the hands of time to that day so that you could change what happened so that your beloved Scout would still be with you happy and healthy. Unfortunately neither you nor I have the power to turn back the hands of time - - we can only move forward - - painfully at first with your heart entrenched in the deepest sorrow you will ever know on this side of eternity - - one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time in your own way and in your own time.

But I can also tell you from first hand experience that it will not always be this way, scoutsmom. One day when you least expect it you will find yourself thinking of your beloved Scout and you will find yourself smiling again - - truly smiling - - and your heart will fill once again with the warmth of the many treasured memories you and your beloved Scout share. Does this mean that you will forget what happened that tragic day 2 weeks ago? No - - sadly this is a part of your memories as well. But I promise you that the deep sorrow that is in your heart now will eventually ease, and you will be able to remember your beloved Scout with a happy heart - - and this is what your beloved Scout wants so much for you - - I promise.

If there is any good news in the midst of all your sorrow it is that the love bond you and your beloved Scout share is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Scout's sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey now as he always has and always will - - for he is always and forever a part of your heart and memories, scoutsmom - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I also know from first hand experience when our hearts are entrenched in deepest sorrow that there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of sorrow. Still, I hope the words I share with you will somehow offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey. One of the many things you need to remember is that you are not alone, scoutsmom. Each of us here do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us. There are no judgments or recriminations made here, scoutsmom. Hopefully you will know this is a safe place for you to come and share with us whatever is in your heart.

Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Scout with us, and for this wonderful picture of him. From the expression on his face and in his eyes he truly knows he is forever loved by his Forever Mom. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, scoutsmom, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Lady,
I am so very, very sorry that you are having to go through such pain. I can't even imagine how broken your heart must be. I recently lost my own old lady kitty under more normal circumstances, and the pain is so bad. Yet I wish I could take some of your pain for you. I am thinking about your relationship with Scout, which was obviously very, very special. And I'm thinking that from the place of rest and peace where I KNOW Scout is now, he would long to comfort you, as he no doubt has done in the past - in that way cats do - and he would take responsibility for his own silliness, and chide you only gently, and with humor, for your part in the accident. And it was an accident. Accidents happen; they just do. They are terrible, but they happen.
You are now going to have to live without Scout, and that is sad and hard enough. But I KNOW that Scout would agree that you don't need to torment yourself with the circumstances of his death. He loved (loves) you, and knows that you loved him, and doesn't even begin to blame you for what happened. He really doesn't, because he is in that place where he KNOWS how much you love him and would never, ever do anything to harm him. He KNOWS this. And there is no doubt that he would want you to be comforted, as much as possible in your pain of loss - you know in your heart that he had gotten to know you well enough to know how much you love him. He forgives you for not being able to keep him totally safe, and I am pretty darn sure that he really, really, really hopes you can forgive him for not being careful and for hurting you by leaving you so soon and so tragically.
Cats are so wonderful. Every cat that gets to be known and loved by a human is a very blessed cat. Your love and devotion to Scout, although it didn't last as long as it might have, is a beautiful testimony to what is possible between cats and people. You will miss him so much; I know it, and my heart aches for you. I miss my Mittens terribly. Aching hole in our hearts, huh. But work to forgive yourself, and to try to replace the negative thoughts about what Scout might be thinking with the true thoughts about how he really did know you loved him, does know you still love him... and let the joy of your relationship become the bulk of your memory, instead of the guilt and horror.
My heart truly is with you.
Have confidence in your cat. He always was smarter than you thought, right?
Consider yourself hugged...

Dear scoutsmom, I am very sorry for your loss. I'm glad you felt comfortable sharing this with us here on LS. What a beautiful picture of Scout! I can tell he was a loved and happy cat. Please don't beat yourself up for what happened. There is no way that you could have know this would happen. Cats actually can swim, but they usually stay away from water. It may be that he was chasing after a bug or something and fell into the pool and couldn't get to the steps to get back out.

I know you feel so bad about what happened, but it wasn't your fault. It was an accident. Please be kind to yourself and make sure you get enough rest. Grief wears out our bodies.

Hi scoutsmom,

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your beloved Scout. He was indeed a beautiful cat. Try not to blame yourself; it wasn't your fault, just a terrible accident. Remember the good times and hope to see him again someday.

Hello scoutsmom

Please allow me to add my deepest condolences on the loss of your beautiful precious Scout. I agree with the others that it was a horrible accident, and you could not have known. I know that does not lessen the pain of losing him, and it will hurt for some time to come. But, someday it will ease a bit and you will begin to think of all the good times you and Scout had. I hope today is treating you well. Keeping you in our thoughts and prayers.

TTT

Thank you everyone for the kind words and sentiments. It truly does help. I have been so down for the past 3 weeks—everyone expects me to be over this but I feel that it will take a long time. We drained the pool over the weekend and are taking it out of our yard.

I never imagined that Scout would ever get in the pool, he was a smart cat. I was outside with him a lot and he never went near it. I still can’t believe we didn’t hear anything that day. We were sitting not far away with the screen door wide open. It just seems like we would have heard something. But we didn’t. I miss him so much. He was with me through a lot and I’ll never have the same bond with another animal.

Dear scoutsmom, it will indeed take a long time to get "through" this traumatic event. I'm sorry that some people expect you to be "over" this...they obviously don't understand the deep and wonderful bond you had with Scout. We don't get "over" grief anyway, but we get through it. This involves crying and expressing our pain. It hurts...I know...it hurts a lot, especially since you lost Scout in such a traumatic way. I've lost my two dearest feline friends within 4 months of each other, and it took me almost a year to feel halfway normal again. But grief is individual and the length of time it takes to feel better is different for each person. Don't let people pressure you to feel better. Unfortunately we live in a fast-paced society that doesn't allow us time to grieve and grieving for a beloved fur kid is not always recognized as acceptable grief by everyone.

Scoutsmom, it just seems odd to me that you didn't hear anything with the screen door being wide open and you being nearby. You mentioned in one of your earlier posts that you tested it by having your partner jump into the pool and you said you heard it. Surely if Scout was in distress he would have made a lot of splashing sounds in the water...which makes me wonder if his drowning was accidental or if perhaps somebody snuck in your yard. Maybe it sounds a bit far-fetched, but it just seems odd that you didn't hear anything.

My heart goes out to you...I know that deep searing pain of losing a beloved fur kid and that is something I don't wish on my worst enemy. It is the worst kind of pain there is and as moon_beam would say the grief journey is traveled day by day and sometimes moment by moment. You will feel better one day. You will smile again. Maybe it will take months, but you will feel better. What helped me was to write down my feelings. There are pet loss hotlines that you can call. One that I can recommend is Tuft's University pet loss hotline. Their number is: 508-839-7966. They are very nice and just listen and let you talk and they even send you personalized grief material to read.

Hugs,
DannysMom

Dannysmom,

That is what haunts me about that day. I can’t wrap my head around the fact that we were sitting nearby with the screen door wide open and it seems we would have heard him splashing or some kind of noise. We didn’t hear a peep. And yes, I had my fiancé go out and make a splash with the volume level of the TV at the same level we had it that evening and I did hear him. I did think about an evil person doing it on purpose but for the same reasons I believe we would have heard or seen someone walk into our back yard. Also, we only have 1 set of neighbors and they have and love animals so I doubt they would hurt my cat suddenly out of the blue.

I will never know what happened I guess. It’s futile now to think about I suppose because it won’t ever know. I just hope that he didn’t suffer too much and that he knows how very sorry I am that I didn’t save him and that I would give anything to have him back again. Thank you for your kind thoughts.

Scoutsmom -

I am so sorry for your loss. I read your post and was heartbroken for you. You and your husband did everything you could for Scout you really did - Its been a month since we lost our baby, Scarlett, and we've been guilt ridden over the circumstances, over all our decisions - she passed suddenly at a very young age (7) and we are devastated. I just wanted you to know you and your husband are in my thoughts...

I was happy to read your post about the little visitor you had, that really made my day. Thank you for sharing your story.

Hi, scoutsmom, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I can so understand your draining the pool and removing it - - as it would be a constant visual reminder of what happened to your beloved Scout. I hope doing this will eventually bring peace to your heart as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

No, you never will have a bond with another companion as you and your beloved Scout share. This is normal, scoutsmom, because each relationship we have with each of our companions is as individually unique according to the individual bond and relationship we have with each of them. This doesn't mean you will love another companion less than the eternal love bond you and your beloved Scout share -- it simply means that your relationship with another companion will be blessed in a different way.

Thank you so much for honoring us by sharing your beloved Scout with us, scoutsmom. I hope today is treating you kindly, and that you will have a very peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Scout's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you for your kind words.
I made this slideshow for Scout last night if you'd like to view it.

http://www.kizoa.com/slideshow-maker/d5469...scout-2006-2013

Hello scoutsmom.

Thank you for sharing this beautiful tribute to your precious Scout. I can tell that he knows how very much he is loved. I use the present tense because even though he is not physically with you, his living spirit is and always will be. I hope today is being kind to you. Take care.

T

Hi, scoutsmom, thank you so much for sharing this wonderful video tribute to your beloved Scout with us. Our companions have a wisdom that far surpasses ours, and looking into your beloved Scout's sweet face and eyes there is no doubt that he knows is forever loved by his Forever Mom and Dad.

I hope working on this video brought some measure of comfort and enjoyment to your heart, as working on my beloved companions' memorials did. I found that working on them helped me to stay focused on their LIFE's journey with me which helped me to know they are forever with me - - including through their sweet Living Spirits.

I hope today is treating you kindly, and that you will have a very peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Scout's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

scoutsmom, that is a wonderful tribute to your sweet kitty boy. I can just tell he was happy and loved. He had a good life, even though it was cut short by a horrible accident. I'm sure sometimes you keep going through the "what if's" and "if only"...but there is just no way that you could have known this would happen. It hurts to lose a beloved kitty in such a tragic way. The best you can do is work through the grief, moment by moment, day by day. Sometimes the waves of grief will be very intense. Please take good care of yourself.

Hey scoutie -- got rid of the pool yesterday. How great it felt to get it out of the yard. I miss you so much, not a day goes by I don't think of you. I hope you know how sorry I am you were lost so young. I have to re-landscape the yard now and I'm going to plant a cherry tree where the pool was and where you died in your memory. When the cherry blossoms come in the spring in all pink, I will think of the the special love we shared. Miss you so much Scoutie.

Hi, scoutsmom, thank you so much for sharing with us your beautiful love letter to your beloved Scout. What a wonderful loving tribute to your precious boy in planting a cherry tree which will bloom with beautiful pink blossoms. I hope when spring arrives your heart will be at peace so that you and your beloved Scout will be able to enjoy it - - as he is always and forever continuing to share your earthly journey.

I hope today is treating you kindly, and that you will have a very peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Scout's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear scoutsmom,

I am so sorry to hear about your cat Scout. It is so hard to lose a pet when they are still young and vital.

I have recently been dealing with a somewhat similar situation; that is the loss of a young pet to a tragic accident. Losing a pet in such an unexpected and traumatic way causes a slightly different type of grief than those losses which are expected and prepared for. 4 days ago I lost my cat Kelvin - he was hit by a car in the alley behind my house. Similar to your story, Kelvin was allowed in the backyard but never wandered far, and he stayed out of the alley, meaning I never expected cars in the alley to be dangerous to him. Additionally, as a kitty-mom finding your little baby's body... it is just the worst thing in the world and it is hard to get the image out of your head.

I don't know if you've felt this way, but after I found Kelvin's body I felt like the vision for my future was dramatically altered without my consent, almost like a "glitch in the matrix" (if you've seen the movie). It has been hard to accept the reality of the situation. It has also been hard to think of all my happy/positive memories with Kelvin, and not constantly think about the accident and finding his body. My take away point is this: Our kitties lives were so much more than that one moment of time where they had to leave us... we cannot let the accidents alter or dominate our view of their lives and memories.... at least this is what I am trying to teach myself everyday. It is so hard.

I just joined this forum and found everyone to be so supportive - I felt the need to do the same for someone else. I hope everyday you feel a tiny bit better. Please know how sorry I am for you and your family in this hard time. I know Scout is still out there somewhere, happy and okay, waiting to see you again.

Wow, Scout's Mom,

Beautiful tribute to your baby and what a lovely idea to plant a cherry tree in his honor. I'm so sorry for your loss and for the pain you are experiencing.

Critzy J

Watched your beautiful tribute to Scout - what an amazing life you gave him.

I can just imagine how incredibly cathartic it must've felt to get rid of that pool. I love the idea of planting a Cherry Tree to honor Scouts memory.

Hope today is a good day for you.

Sending you healing energy.

~ Scarlett's Mom

Hi everyone, thank you again for your kind words and support. It's been 2 months to the day I lost Scout (July 24th) (it's midnight as I'm writing this) and I just have been so upset for the past few days knowing now it's 2 months and thinking about the holidays, how much Scout loved the lights on the tree when I put it up every year and now he won't be there ...I thought I was okay for awhile especially with the pool gone...but now there's this huge hole in our backyard and it's a mess..kind of reflective of how I feel. There's a big hole in my heart and I feel like a mess. It's gonna be a huge project to even the the landscaping out there because of the way they installed that dreadful pool....I have to figure it out and it's going to cost money but I don't care. It's hard to really fathom he's really gone and will never be able to cuddle him again.

I feel like I should have gave him a better life...I traveled a lot before I met my fiance and we moved very much..even though he was always with me I still feel like I should have done more to not travel so much with him. He was born in Washington State where I got him from a police department...then we moved to California..then to Florida..then to Virginia..then to Oregon..then back to California..then to Virginia again..and then 15 months before he died me we moved here to Michigan. I just wish I would have treated him to more stability, I had so much happen that I had to keep moving but I always brought him with me. One thing that gives me comfort is that the last 15 months of his life we finally found our forever home and he was very happy here...he loved it so much, he barely went outside and I'm sickened that he went out that day (it was the first day of the summer here that was really nice and not too hot or rainy). I wish I was in a better mood that day..when I came home from work I was in a bad mood and I said hi to him but didn't really pet or cuddle him..I feel so guilty about that. Even thought my fiance said I will drive myself crazy going over all this stuff I just don't know what else to do. I have really bad insomnia now and it's hard for me to think of happy things like getting married and starting my own family...I just wanted Scout to be with us here in our forever home but he left me too soon and my heart is truly broken. I also said to him that one day he'd my grumpy old cat but he was in his prime and I should have had for at least another decade. I'm so sad.

I don't know if men just don't show emotion as much but I have been crying a lot and my fiance only cried when tried giving him CPR and it didn't work and then when we brought him to the pet hospital to have his remains cremated. But he hasn't cried since..he just says he misses him so much too when I start crying. I know my fiance loved him very much but before I met him I had Scout for 6 years I don't think he understands how deeply his loss affects me. He talks about getting another kitten and I just don't think I could..especially if another cat sits where he sat on the couch. I know that it wouldn't be the new kitties fault but I just don't think I could ever love another cat again.

I really appreciate this board and the support offered here. I really don't know what I would do if I couldn't write about this. I keep thinking about what happens to animals when they die..I wish that Scout would contact me..I just wish I had one last cuddle with him. Thanks to everyone who read this far. Have a blessed day.

Miss mama, I'm so sorry for your terrible loss. I cried (well I was crying anyways but I cried harder) when I was reading what happened to Kelvin. It just breaks my heart and I understand so well what you are feeling..because I feel it too..I feel like my future has been altered. I just feel like I was at the most happiest point of my life I've ever been..I found my dream future husband, have a great job, a nice house, my beautiful Scout..things were perfect. It's almost like something doesn't want me to be happy, that I'll always have to have some kind of sadness put a cloud over my sunshine. What gives me comfort is that the last 15 months of Scout's life he loved and was stable and content and we both found our forever home...I just wanted him to share it longer. I'm so sad for you but I know that we both are grieving still and it will take a long time but your points are heard, and very grateful for them. I will try to learn that as well because I just keep replaying finding him like that ..and that I was so close and didn't hear him struggle (or anything)...that I could have saved him if I wasn't being so caught up in myself that day. I appreciate your words. thank you.

Hi, scoutsmom, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and your and your beloved Scout's 2 month angel-versary. Please let me try to add some words of comfort to you as you continue to travel your grief adjustment journey.

Please me first try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief - - very painful both emotionally and physically, yes - - yet still very normal. Clinical professionals recognize that - - generally speaking - - men do grieve differently from women. Some men do not show their emotions but rather use their grief energy to try to be of comfort to others who are grieving. And some men have a very "logical" approach to grieving. This doesn't mean they don't feel sorrow - - it just means their approach to sorrow is different.

As for your frequent moves, please know all your beloved Scout needed was to be with YOU - - wherever you were his life during his earthly journey was content and happy.

It is very normal to feel that what should be the "most wonderful time of the year" is actually the "most horrible time of the year." It is a time of year that can bring a seering sorrow to the heart because it so emphatically enforces the "reality" that our beloved companions are not physically with us. It is yet another reminder that our lives are changed forever as we continue to develop a "new normal". It is a time of year that we find we are trapped into putting on a "public face" so that others around us will not be "put off" by the deepest sorrow in our hearts. It is important that you try to find time to release your deep sorrow - - even if you need to retreat to a private room to do it.

As for embracing a new companion into your heart - - only YOU will know if / when it will be time for you do this. Some people find great comfort in adopting another companion quickly after the physical loss of a companion, while other people need to wait until their deep sorrow has eased. Some people find comfort in pet sitting for family members and friends, while some people find comfort in fostering homeless waifs until they are able to find a Forever Home. And some people - - for whatever reason - - never adopt another companion. Only YOU can decide what is best for YOU, scoutsmom.

Sometimes when our hearts are so filled with deep sorrow we are not able to feel the Presence of our beloved companions sweet Living Spirit with us. But I promise you, scoutsmom, that your beloved Scout IS with you - - for he is always and forever a part of you - - he is always and forever a part of your heart and memories - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I hope today is treating you kindly, scoutsmom, and that you will have a very peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Scout's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear scoutsmom, I just wanted to let you know that even though you are grieving now this will not last forever. One day you will find yourself smiling again. I've lost my Tina and my Danny within 4 months of each other and that was so hard on me. I found that for me adopting a new fur kid while in the midst of grief has comforted me even though I wasn't fully able to give my heart to the new fur baby right away. I got my sweet Shelley two weeks after my Tina died, and it was hard for both me and Shelley. She was getting used to a new home and I was getting used to a new kitty who acted different from Tina in some ways. I had to accept the fact that Shelley is Shelley and appreciate her for herself. But now, over 1 year later I dearly love Shelley and have become very attached to her. I appreciate how she is different. I am very glad I adopted her and Mindy as well. It is definitely worth it opening yourself up to a new relationship with a little fur kid. I still miss Tina and Danny sometimes, but I am so glad to have Mindy and Shelley in my life. It's not the same as it was with Tina and Danny, but that is okay. I think our hearts are big enough to love again. There are so many sweet kitties out there just looking for a good home so I know I did a good thing by bringing Mindy and Shelley home. Each new relationship is unique and different, but no less rewarding. I just wanted to let you know that there is hope and life after grief.