I am still raw, heartbroken, abnormal. Shelby was acting not right on Friday. I took her to the vet, she had blood tests which showed she was in the end stages of kidney failure. She wasn't going to get better.

I don't regret what I did, it was all the best for her. But I am a mess. Devastated. It goes in waves, sometimes I think I will lose my mind if this goes on.

I am thinking of a tattoo of her name, a birthstone ring (I don't like those that incorporate the ashes into a stone), a shrine, a donation to an animal organization.

It is different when it is a human. Animals belong so much to us spiritually, and us to them, there is such a deep connection. I just don't think it is that way between humans.

I will love her forever, she is still my cat and always will be, as I will always be hers.

Can anyone tell me anything to help me? I have such desperation when I see things at home, but she isn't there.

Danashelchan,
My heart goes out to you as I know all too well what you are experiencing, for less than a month ago I had to make the decision to have my beloved Bailey put to sleep. I know that we can never be prepared for that decision, and as someone here very sweetly told me, that is the one last gift of love that we can show to our precious furbabies. What many of us here have had to do was the most unselfish act that anyone could do.

Our furbabies are our children; although I have two human children, just because our other babies have fur and four legs does not make them any less of family, and it does not make the pain experienced when we lose them any less. Like you, my grief comes in waves. Sometimes I think I am doing well, and then, reality comes screeching in and hits me like a semi. The first few days after I lost Bailey, I was inconsolable. The tears would not stop, the pain was physical pain in addition to emotional pain. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't do anything except cry. Yes, we feel raw; I still do. When the phone call came that he was back from the crematorium, I fell to my knees. I walked into the vet's office with tears streaming down my face. I brought him home one last time, and made a place for him next to his favorite spot by the couch overlooking our backyard. I had friends tell me that I had replacements since I have other babies...I stopped talking to most everyone and just wanted to be alone. Bailey was only 5 years old, but we had been through so much together. His love for me was unconditional, and he was my baby boy. You are right; this is different than losing a human loved one.

When reading your post about the spiritual connection, I thought of a story that I was given a couple days after the loss of my Bailey. It may have been on this site, I am not sure, but I will paste it here. I know that it has helped me...it is about the Little Orange Boy:

The little orange boy stopped.
Behind him, kitties were playing, chasing each other and
wrestling in the warm sunshine.
It looked like so much fun, but in front of him, through
the clear stillness of the pond's water, he could see his mommy.
And she was crying.
He pawed at the water, trying to get at her, and when
that didn't work, he jumped into the shallow water. All that got him was wet
and Mommy's image danced away in the ripples.
"Mommy!" he cried. "Is something wrong?" The little orange boy turned
around.

A lady was standing at the edge of the pond, her eyes
sad but filled with love.
The little orange boy sighed and walked out of the water.
"There's been a mistake," he said. "I'm not supposed to be here."
He looked back at the water.
It was starting to still again and his mommy's image was coming back.
"I'm just a baby. Mommy said it had to be a mistake. She said I wasn't
supposed to come here yet." The kind lady sighed and sat down on the grass.
The little orange boy climbed into her lap.
It wasn't Mommy's lap, but it was almost as good.
When she started to pet him and scratch under his chin like he liked, he
started to purr. He hadn't wanted to, but he couldn't help it.
"I'm afraid there is no mistake. You are supposed to be
here and your mommy knows it deep down in her heart," the lady said.
The little orange boy sighed and laid his head on the lady's leg.
"But she's so sad. It hurts me to see her cry. And daddy too."
"But they knew right from the beginning this would happen."
"That I was sick?"

That surprised the little orange boy.
No one had ever said anything and he had listened when
they thought he was sleeping.
All he had heard them talk about was how cute he was, or
how fast he was or how big he was getting.
"No, not that you were sick," the lady said.
"But you see, they chose tears."
"No, they didn't," the little orange boy argued. Who would choose to cry?
The lady gently brushed the top of his head with a kiss.
It made him feel safe and loved and warm - but he still worried about his
mommy.

"Let me tell you a story," the lady said.
The little orange boy looked up and saw other animals gathering around.
Cats - Big Boy and Snowball and Shamus and Abby and little Cleo and Robin.
Merlin and Toby and Iggy and Zachary. Sweetie and Kamatte and OBie.
Dogs too- Sally and Baby and Morgan and Rocky and Belle.
Even a lizard named Clyde and some rats named Saffron and
Becky and a hamster named Odo.
They all lay down near the kind lady and looked up at her, waiting.
She smiled at them and began:

A long long time ago, the Loving Ones went to the Angel
in Charge. They were lonesome and asked the Angel to help them.
The Angel took them to a wall of windows and let them
look out the first window at all sorts of things - dolls and stuffed
animals and cars and toys and sporting events. "Here are things
you can love," the Angel said. "They will keep you from being lonesome."
"Oh, thank you," the Loving Ones said. "These are just what we need."
"You have chosen Pleasure," the Angel told them.

But after a time the Loving Ones came back to the Angel in Charge.
"Things are okay to love," they said. "But they don't care that we love
them."
The Angel in Charge led them over to the second window. It looked out at all
sorts of wild animals. "Here are animals to love," he said. "They will know
you love them."
So the Loving Ones hurried out to care for the wild
animals. "You have chosen Satisfaction," the Angel said.

Some of the Loving Ones worked at zoos and wild animal
preserves, some just had bird feeders in their yards, but after a time they
all came back to the Angel in Charge.
"They know we love them," they told the Angel. "But they don't love us back.
We want to be loved in return."
So the Angel took them to the third window and showed
them lots of people walking around, hurrying places.
"Here are people for you to love," the Angel told them.
So the Loving Ones hurried off to find other people to love.
"You have chosen Commitment," the Angel said.

But after a time a lot of Loving Ones came back to the
Angel in Charge.
"People were okay to love," they said. "But sometimes
they stopped loving us and left. They broke our hearts."
The Angel just shook his head. "I cannot help you," he said.
"You will have to be satisfied with the choices I gave you."

As the Loving Ones were leaving, someone saw a window
off to one side and hurried to look out.
Through it, they could see puppies and kittens and dogs
and cats and lizards and hamsters and ferrets.
The other Loving Ones hurried over. "What about these?" they asked.
But the Angel just tried to shoo them away.
"Those are Personal Empathy Trainers," he said.
"But there's a problem with their system operations."
"Would they know that we love them?" someone asked.
"Yes," the Angel said.
"Would they love us back?" another asked.
"Yes," the Angel said.
"Will they stop loving us?" someone else asked.
"No," the Angel admitted. "They will love you forever."
"Then these are what we want," the Loving Ones said.
But the Angel was very upset.

"You don't understand," he told them. "You will have to
feed these animals."
"That's all right," the Loving Ones said.
"You will have to clean up after them and take care of them forever."
"We don't care."
The Loving Ones did not listen. They went down to where
the Pets were and picked them up, seeing the love in their own hearts
reflected in the animals' eyes.

"They were not programmed right," the Angel said. "We can't offer a
warranty. We don't know how durable they are. Some of their systems
malfunction very quickly, others last a long time."
But the Loving Ones did not care.
They were holding the warm little bodies and finding
their hearts so filled
with love that they thought they would burst.
"We will take our chances," they said.
"You do not understand." The Angel tried one more time.
"They are so dependent on you that even the most well-made of them is
not designed to out live you. You are destined to suffer their loss."
The Loving Ones looked at the sweetness in their arms
and nodded.
"That is how it should be. It is a fair trade for the
love they offer."

The Angel just watched them all go, shaking his head.
"You have chosen Tears," he whispered.

"So it is," the kind lady told the kitties.
"And so each mommy and daddy knows. When they take a baby into their heart,
they know that one day it will leave them and they will cry."
The little orange boy sat up. "So why do they take us in?" he asked.
"Because even a moment of your love is worth years of pain later."
"Oh."

The little orange boy got off the lady's lap and went back to the edge of
the pond. His mommy was still there, and still crying.
"Will she ever stop crying?" he asked the kind lady.
She nodded. "You see, the Angel felt sorry for the
Loving Ones, knowing how much they would suffer. He couldn't take the tears
away but he made them special."

She dipped her hand into the pond and let the water
trickle off her fingers.
"He made them healing tears, formed from the special water here.
Each tear holds bits of all the happy times of purring
and petting and shared love.
And the promise of love once again.

As your mommy cries, she is healing. It may take a long
while, but the tears will help her feel better. In time she will be less sad

and she will smile when she thinks of you.
And then she will open her heart again to another little baby."
"But then she will cry again one day," the little orange
boy said.

The lady just smiled at him as she got to her feet.
"No, she will love again. That is all she will think
about."
She picked up Big Boy and Snowball and gave them hugs,
then scratched
Morgan's ear just how she liked.

"Look," she said. "The butterflies have come. Shall we
go over to play?"
The other animals all ran ahead, but the little orange
boy wasn't ready to leave his mommy.
"Will I ever get to be with her again?"
The kind lady nodded.
"You'll be in the eyes of every kitty she looks at.
You'll be in the purr of
every cat she pets. And late at night, when she's fast
asleep, your spirit will snuggle up close to her and you both will feel at
peace.

One day soon, you can even send her a rainbow to tell her you're safe
and waiting here for when it's her turn to come."
"I would like that," the little orange boy said and took
one long look at his mommy.
He saw her smile slightly through her tears and he knew
she had remembered the time he almost fell into the bathtub.
"I love you, Mommy," he whispered. "It's okay if you
cry."

He glanced over at the other pets, running and playing
and laughing with the butterflies.
"Uh, Mommy? I gotta go play now, okay? But I'll be
around, I promise."
Then he turned and raced after the others.

-unknown

If there is one thing that I know about this site, it is that everyone here understands what you, and I are going through. Yes, you did do the right thing for your baby, even though it is hard and it hurts more than you can begin to describe. A tattoo or birthstone ring sounds like a beautiful way to remember your precious Shelby. My husband, son, and I are going to make a flower garden in the backyard in Bailey's memory. I have also asked for a necklace with Bailey's birthstone in it as a way to carry him close to my heart. Please know that I am thinking of you and praying for you.

Hi, Dana, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Shelby. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. As baileysmama has already so comfortingly shared with you, euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Dana, this grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are experiencing is very normal deep grief - - very painful both emotionally and physically, yes - - still very normal. This grief journey is one that cannot be reconciled in an hour, a day, a week, a month, or even 6 months - - for you are now on a journey that is filled with all the "first withouts" and all the memories that right now are so very painful that include "this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year" to endure. It is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time in your own way and in your time.

Unfortunately our companions are very adept at disguising how they are feeling until they can no longer do it. This is because they have a genetic trait which they inherit from their wild cousins which tells them to hide any sign of illness, weakness, or injury for as long as possible. Sadly this does not help us as their human caregivers and veterinary care providers. As with human medicine so it is with our precious companions - - sometimes veterinary medicine can provide treatment that will restore a good quality of life while other times - - such as the case with your beloved Shelby, the only thing that can be done is to ease their journey home to the angels.

Dana, we live in a physically oriented world governed by the five senses of sight, sound, taste, touch, and smell. One of the many adjustments we struggle with during our grief adjustment journey is adjusting to our beloved companion's physical absence. The good news is that the love bond you and your beloved Shelby share is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Even though you cannot physically see, hear, touch your beloved Shelby, her sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey as she always has and always will. There may be times when you "think" you hear her - - or "think" you see her - - or "think" you feel her - - these are not manisfestations of your imagination, Dana - - they are real experiences of your beloved Shelby letting you know she is still close to you even though your physical senses cannot "verify" it.

It is important for you to find the ways that you feel comfortable honoring the eternal love bond you and your beloved Shelby. Many people get tatoos to honor their beloved companions, establish a memorial garden in their gardens, make memorial scrapbooks and videos, offer donations to humane organizations and / or their veterinary care provider in loving honor of their beloved companion - - and many other ways. Whatever you decide will be the right way for you to honor your and your beloved Shelby's eternal love.

Dana, I know all too well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep sorrow there really are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of sorrow. Still I hope that the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey. One of the many important things you need to remember is that you are not alone. Each of us here do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Thank you so much for sharing your beloved Shelby with us, Dana. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing a picture(s) of her with us - - but only when / if you want to. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Dana, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you so much. You are so helpful. Both of you moonbean and bailysmama. It is such comfort to know you are here and have been through it too.

I just had a first, first time I went home from work at lunch, and she wasn't there. I folded up the handtowels she always lay on and put them in a drawer.

I am going to see about conseling.

Thank you so much, again. I will be here too.

Hi, Dana, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Some people do find it helpful to seek counseling when enduring the physical loss of a beloved companion. Perhaps your local humane society has group grief meetings where you can meet other people who are going through the same grief journey as you. And always - - we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us, Dana. There are no expiration dates here - - no time limits for sharing with us what is in your heart.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Dana, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Shelby's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

I am getting through. It is two steps forward, and one step back. Last night I had such an anxiety attack, I hadn't had one that bad in years. I am taking the day off work to relax and regroup.

I thought yesterday that the initial shock of the euthanasia of Shelby was starting to wear off. I still do. But there is more to work out. I miss her very much. I am very aware of her absence when I go into rooms where she spent a lot of time. The empty spaces are what gets to me.

I am not thinking timetables, and I am trying not to compare how I felt yesterday, to today. Things heal as they heal, and there cannot be any templates.

What I want to know, from anyone who wants to address it, is it ok to do the things I used to do, my hobbies? I mean just watching a movie on cable, or putting a CD on and reading a book? I feel as if I am disloyal if I do anything remotely pleasant for myself.

Danashelchan I share my condolences with you. This is my first post to this site and I have hopes that in posting here, even though we do not know each other personally, I can share with you the understanding of the love we hold for our pets. My dog Lucy has been diagnosed with late stage lymphoma and has weeks to live. The best way I know to help myself is to help others.

I've dealt with the loss of a pet before, and also of people in my life. The feelings you are having are normal. Grief can come so differently for people, and we often move between the stages at the sudden sensory experience like a familiar smell or visual. Do what you can, when you can. Reaching out to a support group or counseling for grief can be helpful when you feel ready to do so.

Most important, no one can tell you how to grieve. Accepting that we do it differently is actually part of the process itself. It's so personal. Like right now, I'm spending time feeling guilty because I can't stop crying. I tell myself I shouldn't be this sad because my dog is still alive. I have had times in my life when my feeling were complete suppressed. It's important to know that having feelings like this is normal, and no one can tell you how to feel or ask you to shut off anything.

It is mostly definitely different for me in grieving for my pets as opposed to humans.

I hope that you can treat yourself kindly and know that others have similar experiences to share that can help along the way. I found this website to help me process the disease that my dog has and the process of her dying from cancer.

Hi Michteach. I too feel I will be going through this again, as my husband's dog has cancer and he will be leaving us. We don't know when. The same vet who eased Shelby has told us Chancey doesn't need to be put to sleep, as long as he is still enjoying being a dog. And so far, he is. I hope that goes on longer than we imagine it might.

My mother died last December after years of decline. I agree that losing Shelby is nothing like losing my mom. The feelings are not comparable. Guilt comes to me in the way, I sort of feel more deeply sad about Shelby. She was mine, in a way a human, any human, is not mine. It can't be compared or described, and doesn't have to be.

I will consider seriously your saying I should treat myself kindly.

I tell my husband don't be so sad right now about Chancey, his Keeshond dog. He is still here with us. I say appreciate him while he is here, there will be time for sadness when he is not.

Hi, Dana, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. If I may add some thoughts to the very comforting response you have received from michteach with regard to your concern: "What I want to know, from anyone who wants to address it, is it ok to do the things I used to do, my hobbies? I mean just watching a movie on cable, or putting a CD on and reading a book? I feel as if I am disloyal if I do anything remotely pleasant for myself."

Please know that it is very much okay for you to do the things that you enjoy - - for this is what your beloved Shelby wants you to do. Your feelings of "disloyality" at this time are a very normal part of this grief journey - - but I assure you, Dana, that you must do what is helpful for you as you travel your grief adjustment journey. I assure you that you are not being disloyal to your beloved Shelby in any way, shape, or form.

Also, please permit me to offer you my sincerest condolences on the diagnosis of your precious Chancey. I know you and your husband and Chancey are savouring every moment you have together. I hope his good quality of life will continue for a long time. I don't know if you are aware of this: when we know that our precious companion's earthly journey is definitely transitioning we do go through what is called by professional counselors as Anticipatory Grief. In many ways it is similar to the grief we experience after we no longer have the physical presence of our beloved companion with us, yet it is very much different as there is a lot of agony in knowing - - and seeing - - the physical decline as it takes place. And it can be a particularly difficult Anticipatory Grief journey if there has already been a recent loss of a beloved companion or family member. There is a section here called "Pet Disease and Illness" which may be helpful for your husband, and / or you, to share what is happening with your precious Chancey - - if you would like to. Whatever you decide, please know your precious Chancey, your husband, and you are in my thoughts and prayers.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Dana, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Shelby's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dana, I offer you my condolences on losing your baby. She was fortunate to have you love her for as long as you did. I lost my Tigerpaws to kidney disease also, I understand. I also know that never loving another kitty was not an option, and I know my Tigerpaws wouldnt want me to never love another kitty, she knew that is who I am. Your baby knows that is who you are too. In time another baby will come to you, in my case it this kitty's time to be adopted by us. Lily was a foundling and came to us only a month after Tigerpaws went to the Rainbow Bridge. We weren't sure we were ready but she was ready for us, and that made all the difference.

Best Wishes,

Mark

Thank you Mark! It is so comforting to know that "the heart does go on". I have put it out to the Universe that when I am meant to welcome another kitty, it will come to me.

The other day I got the ring of Shelby's birthstone, and while I still feel sad, I can talk about her and the happy life I had with her.

Today I have been thinking a lot that she was a blessing. A blessing that was given to me for over 17 years. A long time to have a blessing, and all of it was good.

Our pets lifespans only provide us with a certain number of years. It is up to us to be grateful for every minute of it. I am. I feel lucky that I realize how lucky I am to have had Shelby and that she was lucky too, to have had me. She came to us from a family's home, she was a litter of one, and spent her first nine and a half weeks with her mother and a couple of other cats, then she came to me. She never knew petshops, shelters, or the street.

I was a blessing for her, too.

Hi, Dana, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I am so happy to share your news that you have received your beloved Shelby's birthstone ring, and that is offering you comfort in wearing it. It also so very good that you are being able to find comfort in your heart that you gave your beloved Shelby a happy, healthly earthly journey. Your beloved Shelby is so very blessed to have you for her Forever Mom, and you are forever blessed to be the sole heir to the many treasured memories of her earthly journey with you.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Dana, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Shelby's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

I want to thank all of you for your comforting words and understanding. Lucy is overall still herself. My husband got out her wading pool today and she enjoyed splashing around and getting wet. I think she really enjoyed the cool water on her belly, as it is distended and swollen.

This forum is helping me in many ways. We will continue to enjoy every day we have with her.

I am looking forward to getting our family picture taken. I would be happy to share some pictures from the session when I get the proofs.

With a deep sense of gratitude, I am thankful for the support that many of you've offered. You've made a difference in my life.

Today is 2 weeks since I had to put Shelby to sleep. There is a void. I got back her ashes Wednesday, and they sit on the table in her room, surrounded by her food bags. I wear the new ring with her birthstone every day.

A thousand little things went into Shelby being my cat. In the mornings I used to make coffee, then grab a clean dish and take it upstairs to feed Shelby. Now, I make the coffee, and turn to the dish rack, then I remember. So I purposefully turn my back and leave the kitchen. And there is no Shelby at the top of the stairs to ask me if I brought her dish.

I just do the same things I used to do, nothing momentous. Read, listen to music, watch TV. But Shelby isn't there.

My crying has lessened in frequency. That shock feeling in my chest has abated. It will take time.

Hi, Dana, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. This grief adjustment journey has many ups and downs, twists and turns, and turnarounds - - some days will be easier than others, - - eventually the deep grief will ease and hopefully will be replaced with the warmth of your many treasured memories of your beloved Shelby.

Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Dana, and hope you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Shelby's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. And please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam