I lost my little chi, Fanny Mae, on May 29th when I decided to put her to sleep. I got her from the local SPCA in December 2005 when she was already between 10-12. No one wanted her so I brought her home and saved her. She lived another 8-9 years and she was around 21-22 yrs old when she left me. I am going through the motions and taking things day by day and acceptance that she is gone is finally settling in. I know I am going through acceptance by moving forward and looking into a way to memorialize her, picking out an urn for her ashes, etc. I am now going through the process back in my mind over and over again of what happened during her final breaths. If you start to read this and get upset, I am sorry but it is definitly NOT directed towards causing more grief, but more of an understanding for me. I am questioning what my Fanny went through is protocol and having a hard time thinking it is NORMAL...

I decided at first not to be present when they put her down. I couldnt help myself so I went down the hall and looked in the window. I know she saw me and felt me. The vet also saw me. By the time I looked in the window, she was bleeding pretty bad from her front left forearm where he administered the first syringe (which I believe calms them down). Then he administered the euthanasia drug in her right forearm, no blood but she yelped and screemed 4-5 times before it was over. After hearing that I took off into the waiting room balling my eyes out. I have done my research and have heard that "some" vocalization is normal but I am sorry, what I heard was NOT normal! My sister put her 14 yo black lab down 2 weeks ago (ironic) and was not there during his final minutes, but, she was there when she put down her chocolate lab years beforehand. She said he yelped once and it was all over. When I told her what happened with Fanny she looked concerned. I also mentioned it to a friend of mine and she seemed disturbed as well.

This process of grieving is taking its course and like I said, I have come to the conclusion she is gone...acceptance. I am now questioning the way the vet proceeded with the euthanasia process and what I saw...and felt. Instead of feeling relief when she took her last breaths, I felt pain..her pain! At this point, there is nothing anyone, ANYONE can tell me that would change my mind in regards to euthanasia being a pain-free process. I also noticed through me reading some of the posts on here that this forum does not have a professional to help us with our questions (veterinarian, vet tech, etc). If there is, then I apologize. It was her time, the way she looked at me told me so. I stopped her suffering but what I experienced was anything BUT a humane way of ending that suffering. Euthanasia painless? Think again!!!

Hi, AmyMarie, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Fanny Mae. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia - - for the most part - - is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

AmyMarie, I truly am so very sorry for what you observed in the final moments of your beloved Fanny Mae's transition journey to the angels. Losing a beloved companion is a major traumatic event, and the last moments we have with our companions in whatever setting that may be can become a haunting image. Unfortunately not EVERY euthanasia procedure goes without "complications." Although I am not a licensed vet tech, I did take courses several years ago. "Complications" can include collapse of the veins which makes it very difficult to sometimes impossible to inject the meds - - which means sometimes a "cut down" needs to be done. I can only recommend that, if you feel the need to do so, please talk to the veterinarian who performed the procedure so that perhaps he / she can answer your questions and hopefully bring some peace to your heart. And if you continue to have serious questions about the way the veterinarian proceeded, you can always ask for copies of her medical records and contact your State Veterinary Association to ask for an independent review.

From first hand experience I truly do know that there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the deep sorrow that is in your heart. I can only hope the words I offer you will be able to offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey. One of the many things you need to remember is that you are not alone - - each of us here do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Thank you so very much for sharing your beloved Fanny Mae with us, AmyMarie. Perhaps sometime you would like to share a picture of her with us - - but only when / if you want to. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, AmyMarie, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear AmyMarie

First of all let me offer my condolences for the loss of your beloved Fanny Mae. I know the pain you are suffering right now as just 2 weeks ago my darling Pixie (our rescued Akita) died suddenly of heart failure at the age of 5 or 6. I am in a state of disbelieve, I still think I will wake up and it has all been a nightmare.

I am so so sorry for what you experienced. As Moonbeam has said, sometimes that final act of kindness to end our fur babies suffering here, does not appear to be kind at all. The first injection I'm sure would have tranquilised your darling girl and I'm sure she would not have suffered. I was with my first Samoyed, Tasha, and I must admit she seemed to just fall asleep, no crying out, from her.... just from me and my husband and daughter. The passing of our beloved fur babies is the most painful experience no matter what the circumstances. She saw you and that would have meant so much. She would not want to see your anguish. Have you noticed how our pets always try and go somewhere private when things are not right with them. It's as if they don't want to worry us. Always thinking of us.
You have loved your Fanny Mae for all these years and given her a wonderful life.
The pain will hopefully diminish and be replaced by happy memories of all you have shared. Try not to dwell too much on those last moments... I know that is hard, as I am finding this difficult too... but we must remember that our beloved fur babies enriched our lives, they gave us so much love, and we must suffer the pain when they have to leave us.
Your Fanny Mae would not want you to be unhappy.
Love and hugs from a fellow heartbroken friend.
Jan and my angels girls, Tasha, Noushka and now Pixie . xx

Thank you moon-beam for your words of comfort. I agree, that not all euthanasia procedures are 100% accurate or without complications. I sit here and just think what would have happened if I was there, blood all over, her in my arms screaming bloody murder. Sorry but thats BEYOND just a small complication. My vet has been in business for over 26 years and there are no negative remarks regarding his practice OR his way of performing euthanasia but I have noticed a larger number of the elderly population uses his services.

I attended my first Pet Loss Support Group at a local veterinary hospital last week. It was amazing and the staff that was present was impressive. It included an actual vet and a Dr. of Psycology. They meet monthly and to get this kind of therapy FREE is rare. I mentioned my horrific experience with the vet at the support group and she said yes, bad euthanasia processes do happen but with the older vets, they do the procedure very different than the newer generation. An IV is ALWAYS placed and established in 85% of todays practices. This did not happen with my Fanny Mae. She also mentioned that apparently my vets bedside manner in this situation lacked greatly. Also, the vet not explaining the procedure to me was very unprofessional.

Their words did not help much, but only made me feel worse in some ways. Maybe I should have approached the vet and asked what the procedure entailed? But then again, maybe he should have taken the initiative knowing that it was a stressful and sad time for me. I also have never gone through this before so my grieving continues. I have attached a picture here of my Fanny Mae. The picture is also in my profile.

AmyMarie~Fanny Mae's Momma
Always Loved~Never Forgotten

Dear AmyMarie

What a beautiful little girl. Thanks for posting the photo of Fanny Mae.
I wish I could help you more. You're decision to free your baby from suffering was made with the most loving intentions. Because it is 'our' decision we feel guilty no matter how the procedure is conducted. I'm glad that you have a good support group. Over the last five years this group has helped me through the grief of losing 3 beloved companions.
Right now I feel so guilty that I didn't realise that there was anything wrong with my Pixie. One day she was fine, the next she was gone. Sometimes things are just out of our control, hard to accept but very true of life. But we have been blessed by the presence of our fur babies.

Thinking of you x

Hi, AmyMarie, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing, and for the wonderful picture of your beloved Fanny Mae. She is so cute - - and it is obvious by the look in her eyes and on her face that she knows she is eternally loved.

I'm glad you have found a support group you can attend to help you through your grief journey. Unfortunately this grief journey is not a straight line from A to Z - - it does not resolve in a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month or even 6 months - - for you are now on a journey that is one of all the "first withouts" and the memories of "this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year" to endure. It is a journey that can only be traveled in your own way and in your own time - - one day at a time. And when it comes to our loved ones - - whoever the life form - - there is no such thing as a "minor complication" when it comes to their medical treatment. No one here will ever trivilaize the traumatic events you witnessed in the final moments of your beloved Fanny Mae.

Veterinary medicine today is as specialized for our precious companions as it is for human medicine. Because of this, and especially when it comes to "end of life" issues it is vitally important for there to be an open and compassionate communication between the veterinary care provider and the human caregiver. I truly am so very, very sorry, AmyMarie, that you did not have this for your beloved Fanny Mae at a critical time when you desperately needed it. You would still have this grief adjustment journey to travel, but at least you would hopefully not have this added sorrow to endure.

AmyMarie, I can honestly tell you from first hand experience that it doesn't matter if this grief journey is our first experience or the thousandth - - every grief journey is an individual experience because each relationship that we have with our individual companions is also uniquely individual. This is one of the many reasons why this wonderful website was established as a safe haven for people to come to share our sorrow with others who truly do understand what we are going through, and to offer each other comfort, support, encouragement, and hope.

Thank you again so much for sharing your beloved Fanny Mae with us. I hope today is treating you kindly, AmyMarie, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Fanny Mae's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam