In a few days my Birba would be turning 10. But she's been gone for over one now and I feel terribly down right now.

Today I was talking to my parents , saying how much I woud love to adopt a new kitty, I love kitties, I've always loved them and I can't keep myself from go all "squitty" wherever I see one, I chase them and try to hug them just as a little kid would do.
I love their cute little faces and their fluffy tails, I just love how amazing they are and how deeply you can fall in love with them.
So I really miss having a cute little goof around the house.
So I imagined how it would be, to have another cat after my two sweethearts died, and I imagined the new cat being in bed with me, sleeping on my chair, adn then I pictured him sleeping in Birba's crib (an old dolls crib that I had kept for her) and it was like someone had punched me in the chest.
I imagined this little creature sleeping in her bed, and then I remembered Birba's first days in that crib, she was so tiny she could barely get herself to climb it. And in the years she became so chubby she almost didn't fit in there anymore and all her flur came out of the crib-edges, she looked so funny, she kept sleeping there eventhough half of her was hanging out of it, and I then thought to myself "I could never see anyone else sleeping in it, that was her bed since the very first days, she grew up with that crib, she even had a teddy bear she used to sleep with when the two of them could still fit there together, how could you ever allow anyone else to take her place?" and suddenly I felt like I am not ready to adopt a new kitty. My friend's cat is pregnant, and I told her that I would like to take one if I can convince my mom, but deep inside, I think I am not even sure about it myself.

And to make it worse, I'm feeling sadder every day, as the birthday is coming up, and I don't know what to do. I am probbaly going to bring flowers where she's buried (I don't really visit her often, I don't like it, plus, all her stuff is still here with me, when I hug her pillow or I cry on her crib I feel closer to her than ever) so I only visit on special occasions, such as the 1 year anniversary of her death, I brought her a white rose (all white as she was) and I am probbaly going to visit now on her birthday, but I just feel this is going to make me feel even more depressed and sad. I don't want to accept her death, I just can't.
Why does it have to be this hard? Sometimes I wish I hadn't cared so much, so I wouldn't be suffering like this, but then I just cannot imagine myself not caring, not loving those precious creatures, those wonderful little goofballs.
I'm realizing that being sensitive is much more of a curse than a blessing.

Tonight I took her crib beside my bed, just like when she was still here and before going to sleep I would take the crib beside me and then later she'd come and join us (Minu and me). But its's so sad to see it empty. God , I miss her so much.

I can't belive she wasn't even 10 , I can't believe she's dead. It's like I'm still expecting to see them coming back someday.
When is it gonna end? This pain I mean, this helpless pain I fell right in my throat , like I had something stuck? I miss her so much I hardly can breath sometimes.

Am I ever gonna be ready to adopt another kitty? Am I ever gonna belive it's the right to do? and that they would be happy for me?
Cause to me they were not just "pets" they were special, they were Birba and Minu, they were like people for me, with feelings, personality, habits, tastes, everything. It0s hard to imagine myself taking care of someone who is not them, someone with new habits, different personality and tastes.
I feel that taking another cat would make them less meaningful, I'm afraid they'll just be two names in my long list of pets , you know like the "childhood pets". I don't want that!! I want them to be my only ones, when the other cat would die, I'd be heartbroken for him too, and so Birba and Minu would lose their place in my heart. I don't know, maybe what I am saying doesn't make sens to you, it's just, I really don't want to replace them, I don't want to find myself someday talking about them saying "I had two cats when I was a little girl, they were my first cats, what was their name again?" like my parents do when they talk about their previous pets. They were SPECIAL, I cannot replace them.
I would like to get a tatoo with their names or something that reminds me of her, I feel like I need to do something to feel them close to me.
I need them so desperately.

Please give me some advice, I feel like I'm losing it. I'm going through so much right now, this pain really doesn't help.

Thank you.

Oh Julie

How much I recognize the feeling you are describing. No, you are not losing it. Someone once told me that we grieve in proportion as we loved. And that's what you're going through. Yes, our furbabies ARE people, or at least very like people. They have souls, hearts, feelings (like love for you), thoughts. I know I will never forget the names "Gretta" and "Rufus" just as you will never forget the names "Birba" and "Minu". I can so relate to what you say and feel about the doll's bed. Both Grettta and Rufus were "seniors", especially Gretta, so at one point I bought her the biggest and soundest orthopedic dog bed. After she went home and then again after Rufus passed and i got home, I missed them so much that to feel closer to them I slept on that dog bed (it was so big I almost fit!!) for almost a week.

This is probably out of place, but I'm going to venture a little bit of an opinion. If imagining another kitty in Birba's bed makes you feel like you're being punched in the chest, I'd say it's not time yet. When Gretta passed, my neighbor, who is THE dog rescuer in our neighborhood, told me that everybody is "ready" at a different time. Some get a new furbaby the very same day. Some months later. Some never. The first time I went on the net after Gretta passed, I felt like such a heel I cried for days. After a few more months I put my toes in again and looked in the site of the group from which I'd adopted her. I saw Rufus but he was a little "young" at 7-8 years old and Gretta had lived until age 13 and by that time I would be on a fixed income and could I afford it, etc. etc. etc.. But Rufus's eyes haunted me so I went ahead and adopted him. And we were together only 21 months - the best 21 months my heart has ever had. Who can know? Just go with your heart but don't wait until you're "over it", until you reach the point where you're not sad any more - because, my friend, that doesn't come. Love is forever.

Please don't think I'm crazy, Julie. Tomorrow is Rufus's birthday (I count the adoption day as their birthdays). We're going to have a tiny party for him down on earth here and there is going to be a BIG party for him up in the Perfect World where he and his sister and Birba and Minu and every other furbaby who has gone home lives. I'd really like it if Bimba and Minu and their friends would come and join the fun. In the Perfect World, cake and ice cream never run out, don't make you fat, and never make anyone sick. Told you everyone grieves in their own way. I'm a solo so I can get away with things that people who live with other people can't.

Julie, I hope tonight and tomorrow bring you some measure of contentment and some little signs of love from Bimba and Minu.

Bless you and keep you.

Gretta and Rufus's mom

Hi, Julie, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Gretta's Mom has shared with you much of what is in my heart, so please read her response knowing that it shares my heart as well.

I truly wish there were an easier way to navigate this grief adjustment journey, but unfortunately it is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time in your own way and in your own time - - knowing that you are not alone but are among people here who truly do understand what you are going through, and knowing we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Julie, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Birba's, and Minu's, sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam