Hi everyone

I am Julie, and I can assure you that I'd rather be anywhere rather than here.
The reason why I am here tonight is that, like many of you probably, I feel like I've kept it all in, trying to keep my head up everyday, because no one would understand my tears.
I've kept all bottled up, for over a year. And even after one entire year I am still hurt as the first day.
What actually brought me here was probably the really bad idea I had today, of going to visit "my" vet who just had a baby.
I was there in the waiting room, with the air that smelled like disinfectant and with people coming and leaving with their beloved friends in their cages. Bbehind their fake smiles you could see their worry and their pain, and I could feel the same fear I used to feel everytime I stepped in that place.

One thing brought tears to my eyes and thank God my phone rung and I had to leave before blowing up in tears. I was sitting in the waiting room when the door opened and a little girl came in hopping, behind her another kid entered the room, she had red puffy eyes and she was sobbing; she'd clearly been crying, the two girls came with their mother, who was carrying a cute little dog. The lady whispered something to the older child, I am not sure what, but it was like "stop crying now", but the little girl couldn't stop sobbing, and she looked lost and sad, looking around while trying to hold the cry in. At first I thought they had a fight but then the mom kindly said to her "stop crying, she's said he's going to be ok". Now it was all clear, that sweet little girl was worried sick for his baby dog, and I could understand her too well.
How many times have I cried for my babies? How many times I cried till I fell asleep holding them as close as I could? That's something I know even too well.
That girl must have been something like 8-9 years old, and it made me so happy to see how worried she was about her dog, how much she cared!
The mother kept telling her to stop crying, she probably didn't want to worry the other kid who must have been 4, and so she kept on saying "he'll be ok don't you worry" but at the same time she was wiping the tears that fell on her face.
My eyes were filling up, ready to explode anytime. I wanted to say something, ask her about her dog, tell her to be strong and that everything was going to be fine, but for what? I was preparing a speech in my head, but I didn't even believe it myself.
I used to tell myself that everything was going to be ok, even when my baby girl had stopped eating, and I had to feed her with a syring. She was 19, I knew she couldn't live forever, and her kidneys were failing and she refused to eat, but still I kept on telling myself "she'll be fine, one more day at the clinic and then she'll be home".
But she hasn't.
And that's the same thing I did with my dog Lily, she was 12 and she had cancer, I was only 16 and I was so scared but still somehow I convincde myself that she would make it.
Maybe we need to convince ourselves eventhough we know it's not true, eventhoug we know that it's not gonna be ok we need to believe that it will.

My heart has been broken 3 times in the last 4 years, and this time I don't think it will make it through.

I got Lily, my beautiful Labrador , when I was 5, she was the most adorable puppy in the whole world. I still remember her slipping as she made her first steps in hour house. And I remember how proud I was when my father came to pick me up at kinder garten with her, and everybody kept staring and pointing at her, and hugging her . I felt so proud cause I had the most beautiful baby dog!
And through the years I never stopped loving her. I remember my teacher for art class in 2nd grade asking me to draw my worst nightmare, and while every other kid drew of murderers , thieves, monsters, I drew a tiger jumping through the fence and eating my dog. Since 2nd grade losing Lily was my worst nightmare and that summer, it came true.
It was one of the worst days of my life, she died in my arms, while I kept thinking "she's going to wake up now, you'll see" and I kept hugging her and kissing her eventhough the doctor told me she had gone. That is something no one will ever understand.

Thankfully I had two cats to cheer me up.
Birba was the goofiest cat I've ever met. She was all white , fluffy and chubby. She's always been a weird little cat. She used to try to eat my feet (or anyone else's) when we were sleeping , making it impossble not to wake up. She would run randomly around the house and then crash against the glass door. Or just annyoing her older "sister" by biting her tail. She was a crazy cat, she used to sleep in the craziest positions ever: on top of the kitchen cupboards, under the fridge, in the shower, on a shelf, in every basket or fruit boxe (either empty or not) that she may find. She would sleep belly up right in the middle of the room so that at night you could stumple more esily. And on top of it all she used to snore so loud , no one would believe it was just a cat. She was a real pain in the butt, and she seemed to find it pretty funny to jump on the shelves and throw down all my mom's ornaments. But whatever she may have done, I just looked at her and I was not mad anymore. She was not a particularly "pretty" cat, and she was goofy and messy, but I was so proud of my goofyball. I wouldn't have traded her with anyone. Because that was what made her special, she was hyperactive and incredibly lazy at the same time. She would sleep on my black clothes and leave all her flur on them. She used to sleep in a doll crib right beside my bed and since I was 10 we've been sleeping side by side holding hands. Even when she couldn't fit in it anoymore. Now who can replace that??
One day I came back from school and I found vomit on the floor, I thought it was normal, you know, cats do that sometimes, but then a few days later I noticed she hadn't been eating much as usual, and she kept vomiting every once and then.
It was Christmas eve and I noticed that she was turning yellow. Two days later I brought her to the vet and she kept her there for a couple of days. Acute liver failure-"it's serious but treatable, she'll come home in a few days", that's what the vet told me.
Two days later my mom came home in the middle of the morning, as soon as I heard the door opening, I felt a knot in my stomach, when she told me that she was dead , my heart broke in so many pieces I don't think it will ever be fixed.
I coudln't stop thinking about her, in that cage, in pain, alone, without me-her mommy. Who held her hand while she went? Who whispered her that we will meet again someday? who told her that I loved her and I will never forget her? That's something that will haunt me for the rest of my life. I'll never know what it was her last move, or what she saw before her eyes closed forever, what she felt, how she looked, I'll never know what killed her, I'll have to live with these questions forever. And I will have to live knowing that all the time I though we had , has been taken away from us. And that we will never have those moments back, I will never fall asleep hearing her snoring, or I won't wake up finiding that she broke something during the night, I won't hear her scratching through the door just to leave right after I opened it. And I will never hold her, kiss her, or smell her ever again.

And it was just 5 months after her death , right when I was trying to get up again, that the world fell right on me again.
After Llily and Birba were gone, I still had my "lifetime" kitty: Minu, and she got me through the dark days.

Minu was the oldest, she was one year younger than me, and she was basically my whole life. Imagine someone or something that you've been knowing for ever. basically since you can remember. I was one when we got her, I don't have memories of my life without her, she was a part of my family, she was a part of my life. She was a part of me. And eventhough I loved Lily and Birba with every fiber of my being, what Minu and I had was a special bond that it's hard to explain.
Minu was beautiful. She was the most beautiful cat I know. Elegant, graceful, polite. she didn't make messes or broke things, she was loyal to us just like a dog would be.
When we had dinner at our neighboors right behind the fence, shewould come and wait for us in front of their door and then walk us home.
Sometimes she slept inside, sometimes she stayed out, but she never left!
I could go on talking about her for hours. She loved being cuddled, she jumped on my knees and slept there. In the last 6 years she slept with me in my king size bed.
She used to sleep at the bottom of the bed during the day, but as soon as I lay down she would get up and jump on my stomach and fall asleep. Those were one of the best moments of my day.
I talked with her , I cried with her, I laughed, God how I miss her!
When she got sick last year I was desperate, I wasn't only losing a pet, I was losing a friend, a sister, a daughter, I knew that from then on I would be alone.
For as long as I remember I've been dreading that day with all my heart. I started worrying about the possibility of her dying ssince I was 9! I couldn't sleep at night thinking that something might happen ot her , and last year it was all true. It was happening.

Ever since she died I've been feeling so alone. No one understands how I feel, it's not that my family is heartless, they cried too when Lily Birba and Minu died, but you know, it was more like when seeing a sad movie, those who touch you and makes you cry for a while. But itìs nothing compared to the pain I have felt.
I can not talk about them without crying, no matter what I am saying, I will just start crying. Every single song about loss or the end of love makes me thing of them.
Of how much they meant to me.

I miss them so much it hurts every day. I thought it would go away but it doesn't. One thing I've learned is that it won't go away. You'll just get used to it,
You'll get used to never seeing them again, to never coming home and finding them there waiting for you, and you'll get used to not being able to hug them when you feel upset or sad.
In the darkest days I felt the need of hugging them to make the sadness go away, just as we used to. But that was impossible.
So yes, when they say it will get better , they are somehow right : you'll learn how to deal with the emptyness that fills your heart and time will help.
Slowly you will heal and one day you'll think it has gotten better, but then just like me , one day you'll find yourself in a supermarket, right in front of the pet-food asle and you'll remember the last days of your baby, when she refused to eat and you had to get her super yummy food so she would eat a little more, so you would go to the store and pick up a different brand, a different flavour everyday hoping she'll like it and she'll eat it, and in one nano second you'll be reminded of that awful month, when you watched her dying day after day. And you'll feel the exact same pain you felt when she left.

I don't know if it will ever get better or if it will jsut get a bit easier. What I know is that I am tired of pretending they didn't mean anything, and pretending that I can talk about them now without starting to cry, I am tired of people talking about this like it was a fairytail or a misadventure, almost smiling asking me "did the other cat die too?".

I used to say this was the song of Lily Birba and me, cause years ago they got lost and didn't come home for three days, and I used to listen to this song thinking of them and hoping they would be home soon, now I dedicate this song to all three of them, because it makes me thing of the way I feel everyday since they've gone.
The first verse goes like this:

Nobody listens to me, don't hear a single thing I've said
Say anything to soothe me, anything to get you from my head
Don't know how really I feel,
Cause it's the faith that makes it like I don't care
Don't know how much it hurts to turn around like you were never there
Like somehow you could be replaced and I could walk away from the promises we made
and swore we'd never break!!


And I could never ever ever break those promises. I'll keep you in my heart forever.

You are safe in my heart and my heart will go on and on.

I don't know if anyone will ever read this post , but if you do, and if you are going through a hard time, or if you are dealing with your pet's illness and you are just here to know what it will feel like, let me just say that no matter what, no matter how hard it will seem, you will make it, and the memories of your loved ones will help you through.
When my dog died I kept the towel we used for her first bath, and her collar as well among other things. I refused to throw them away because I knew that every now and then I would want to take them and hold them or just stare at them for awhile and cry.
As for my cats, that's a different story, they lived in the house so the house is full of their stuff. I still have their cuscions, Birba's crib, her teddy bear. My room is full of their picture and they help me feel less alone. And sometimes I'll hold their cuscions and cry hard , asking god to give them back.

so don't listen to those who tell you to get rid of that stuff, or to just get over it. You can't . If you loved them, then there is no "get over it", there is only the time that will help you heal.
And if you have to make some hard choises, be sure YOU are taking those choices, don't listen to those who tell you "they are better off dead", of course they are, but take your time to deal with it.
I had to put Minu to sleep , and I decided it in one day following the vet's advice after a terrible and painful week. But I made the decision, and I was prepared (as much as you can ever be prepared to something like that) becasue I knew that it was going to end this way sooner or later. And once I saw how much she was suffering, I couldn't take it anymore, so I held my breath, hold her and kissed her goodbye.
But that is something you're going to keep with you for the rest of your lives, so be sure you're doing it for THEM and no body else!!

If anyone is reading, I hope you'll find the strenght to go through this hard time, togher with your fluffy friends.
My heart is with you, and with all those who lost a pet thy loved. Hoping our beloved little friends will find peace.

Oh Julie,

Thank you so much for the beautiful, heartfelt post. It must have torn your heart out to write it. First, let me say that you are in exactly the right place. Every one of us here at Lightning Strike has "lost" a soul-mate. Every one of us has gone throught the hades on earth that you are going through now - not exactly, because every person's sorrow is unique. But they all shred your heart and make you feel like a walking zombie. Or someone that thw world thinks is somehow a little "off" because they break into tears all the time. Now we have welcomed you into this band of brothers and sister all of whom understand and NONE of whom will EVER say, "It's just a dog" or "Get over it" or "Why don't you just get another pet?" Every one of these statements cuts like a knife because our beloveds are NOT commodities, one just like any other one. As you have so beautifully expressed, each one is a "person" in his or her own right.

Julie, from the ages you list in your post, I'm assuming (always dangerous ) you are a young person. I am not. I am only one year away from retirement and I am right with you. I have sent two beautiful oldster labs to the Perfect World in two years - one just two months ago. And, like you, I break into tears just thinking about them. I'm a solo so I can get away with things that people who live with others can't. Gretta was my first dog as an adult. She was 10 when I adopted her and we had almost 5 tears together. people used to stop us on the street during our walks and say what a kind dog she was. So i call her Gretta, the kindest chocolate lab who ever lived. A few months later I adopted Rufus, a half black lab-half Newfie, a boy. Rufus was my "goofyball" - seriously, I used that nickname. In February I had to go half a continent away to care for a sister who had a grave illness - still does and it will leventually take her life. I left Rufus with his wonderful foster mom who has a farm in rural Wisconsin and where Rufus had lived for two years before i adopted him. One morning I got a call from her that Rufus had thrown up the night before and wouldn't eat. Long story short, my baby had inoperable cancer of the spleen. That evening I got a call from our University Vet School Hospital asking me what I wanted to do. That was one of the most horrible nights of my life.
(Im going to send this post in two parts because my computer has a glitch and sometimes erases everything Ive writtten) Part 2 coming.

Gretta and rufus's mom

Hi again Julie

Knowing what I do about medicine, I realized that there was only one decision I could make. And, like your Binka, my Rufus had to make his trip home to the Perfect World all alone. Nobody to hold his giant head, nobody to stroke his velvet ears, nobody to tell him what a truly GOOD dog he is, nobody to tell him how much he is loved. And, like you, Julie, that's a red-hot coal that is lodged in my heart that will never really go away.

After Gretta passed I was pretty out of my mind with grief. I had bought Gretta a high-end orthopedic bed for her old bones so I decided, excuse the espression, to h****** with it, who says I can't sleep on her bed (it is so big I almost fit on it). So for a week I did. I didnd't put away Gretta's "stuff" either. How lonely and empty would THAT be! So Rufus used her "restaurant" - an elevated food/water dish combo, slept in her bed, played with her toys (they were both old and pretty much didn't play except for running after a ball a time or two). The only things I saved for Gretta's "own" was her collar and leash.

Now both of them, and your Lily, Birka and Milu, are back in the home from which they came, the perfect World. Where there is warm sunshine, restful shade, cool water, tasty food, millions of friends and NO sickness, pain or sadness. These special animals are spirit-animals (like in the Native American tradition of the White Buffalo). They are our soul-mates. From the beginning of time they have held a piece of our soul and we have held a piece of theirs. These amazing beings search the universe over for the person who holds their "missing piece". And, wonder of wonders, they find us! And they put themselves in our paths so We find Them. And we do! And we look into their eyes and KNOW. Because both they and we are part spirit, they have NOT gone away. We just can't sense them. And we as people (how dumb) say that what we cannot sense, does not exist. NOT! Our soul-mates are still where they ever were-right at our feet or on our beds next to us or walking through the house. We just can't see them. But they're still on their jobs: watching over us, protecting us from harm, guiding our steps and, most importantly, loving us and being loved by us. An old song says "One bright morning where this life is over, I'll fly away .... To a land where joys shall never end, I'll fly away" and we will. and we will be reunited with our soul-mates. And we will both be whole again. And, like another old song says, "No more parting, no more tears." Forever and ever.

Thank you so much for sharing your heart and your loved ones with us, Julie. You've come to a house where you DON'T have to keep your story bottled up in your heart for even a day. Individually we're weak, but together we're strong. This is the best sharing site I've ever seen. Everyone is kind and generous and supportive ... because we've all found and then been separated from our soul-mates.

Welcome home, Julie.

Gretta and Rufus's mom

First of all, I want to say how sorry I am for the losses you've suffered. I can relate, a week ago I said goodbye to my sweet kitty who I had brought home when I was 12. We grow such a special bond with those childhood pets and it feels impossible to live without them.

Wishing you peace and sending love your way. I wish I had more I could say... Just that, I feel your pain. It's deep and its raw.

Hi, Julie, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical losses of your beloved Lily, Birba, and Minu. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. And it doesn't matter if it's our first loss or our hundreth - - each loss is uniquely painful because each relationship we share with our companions is uniquely individual.

Julie, this grief journey is one of adjustment to the physical absence our beloved companions, and it is a very painful experience both emotionally and physically. Although clinical professionals recognize that the first year of loss is the most traumatic because it is filled with all the "first withouts" to endure, this does not mean that when the calendar indicates that a year has transpired since a beloved companion has joined the angels that the sorrow automatically vanishes from our heart.

You are so right when you share with us that there is no "getting over" the physical loss of a loved one. This is impossible because your beloved Lily, Birba, and Minu are a part of you - - they are a part of your heart and your memories. Hopefully, though, the deep seering pain of sorrow does ease so that you can find joy in your treasured memories that your beloved companions shared with you during their earthly journey - - and find comfort in knowing that they continue to share your earthly journey as they always have and always will - - for they are always and forever a heartbeat close to you - - for love is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space.

Julie, this grief adjustment journey is one of the hardest experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is a journey that is filled with many twists and turns, ups and downs and turnarounds - - it is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. I wish to affirm Gretta's Mom's words of comfort to you: You are not alone, Julie - - each of us here DO understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Thank you so very much for sharing your beloved Lily, Birba, and Minu with us, Julie. Perhaps sometime you would like to share pictures of them with us - - but only when / if you want to. I hope today is treating you kindly, Julie, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Lily's, Birba's, and Minu's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Julie, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you so much to all of you for your kind words.
For the first time, in a very long time I don't feel so alone with this.

I am so very sorry for your loss too. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

I always like to talk about my little babies, cause they were my joy, they were so sweet and funny and beautiful, I loved every moment with them.

Gretta's mom, you're right- I am very young (just turned 21 this year) and we've always been together. They were my companions growing up, I was a lonely kid, I had a troubled teenagehood and they were always there for me. Every time I felt like I didn't belonged here, like no one liked me, or when I felt ungly and unworthy, being with them was like seeing the light again.
After a fight with mom or dad I would run into my room and hug them and cry and cry and they would be there for me always. Birba licked away my tears and minu used to rest on my stomach while I would complain about my cra*py life (as any teenager does). And the world didn't seem such a bad place anymore, cause I knew that as long as they were there I was going to be ok. I didn't need anyone else, because I had THEM and I felt proud and rich already.

I knew that Minu wouldn't live much longer cause she was already very old, and as scary as it was I was always expecting the worse, but Birba was only 9 and I can't stop thinking that it wasn't supposed to be this way, that she was supposed to grow old with me and help me get through Minu's death, and then move out with me when I'd get married, and 8-9 years from now I would have to say goodbye to her, but it would have been a proper goodbye, with tears and holding hands, and restless nights. It wasn't supposed to be like this and I will never be okay with this.

When Minu died, the vet said something that melted my heart. She asked me how much it was since Birba had died, and when I told her, she smiled and said "That's interesting, it's not the first case I see, where a pet who used to live with another one, dies short after the other" and the she added "it's like she's waited for her to go, before letting herself go as well" this brought me in tears. They didn't get along very well, Minu never really "accepted" Birba. But in the last years they were getting used to each other, and they had become good sisters. When I told the vet that they weren't very close she said "that doesn't matter, they were a family, there is a special bond between pets that live together for so long as they did, every time you guys went on holidays they were toghether alone, they needed each other, it's something human can not understand, they may not have liked each other but they needed each other".
I miss them so so much.

This pain is even worse than I imagined it would be.
It's literally as though they took away a part of me.

No one understands how much they mean to us, unless they experience it. Everyime I hear stories about kitties being tortured and killed I get so angry, I can not believe that there is someone out there capable of doing such horrible things to those creatures. I would give everything I have to have my babies back and they are out there killing them??
Those who say "they're just dogs/cats" are so very wrong, and I honestly feel bad for them, cause they have clearly never known true love, and they will never know how it feels to be loved immensely and unconditionally .
Cause at the end of the day , the small gestures that count, like a dog running happily towards you when you get home, or a cat that crouch on your lap at night, hoping to receave some caresses from their best friend, seing two cats that have nothing to do with each other and that spend most of the day scuffling but have somehow learned to get along and they now share the same pillow or the same bowl, and you see them sleeping one beside the other and you would just stare at them all they cause they warm your heart.
And falling asleep with your baby girl on your bed right beside you, your heads touching, hoping you'll never have to part.

I'll probably upload some of their photos someday, for the world to see that there are three new angels in the sky, taking care of each other and watching over us, together with all the other little angels that have left us here hurting.

You're right they are still here with us somehow, and sometimes I still have the "feeling" of seeing them arriving in the shade, or hearing them scratching, or eating from their bowl. Maybe they are, maybe we just can not see them, maybe the've been here all along and those "feelings" we get is them trying to let us know that they are here, and that they have never left.
Wherever they are, I know they are still thinking of us, and I just hope they know how much we loved them! Until we'll be together again someday.

My heart is with all of you who lost a soul-mate.

Writing here helps a lot, to lighten my loneliness and relieve the pain.
Thank you again for your attention.
Hugs to all of you and your fluffyloved ones
May they find peace.

Hi, Julie, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. This grief adjustment journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time in your own way and in your own time.

I can so understand how you're feeling when you share with us: "It's literally as though they took away a part of me." Indeed, your beloved Lily, Birba, and Minu have taken a part of you with them - - a part of you that belongs only to them - - to hold onto until it is your appropriate time to join them in eternal joy. An example of this is the broken heart necklace - - you hold one piece of the heart while another loved one holds the other part - - and when you meet those two pieces form one heart. You are holding a piece of each of your beloved companions' hearts as well - - and it is the eternal love bond you share with each other that is holding your hearts together until you are reunited in eternal joy.

You are also very right when you share with us: "No one understands how much they mean to us, unless they experience it." This is one of the many reasons why this wonderful forum was established so that we can have a safe place to come to share our incredibly beautiful lives with our precious beloved companions.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Julie, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Lily's, Birba's, and Minu's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Julie, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

It's funny you used this metaphor, cause I actually bought two broken heart necklaces and gave a half of each heart to Birba and Minu the day they died, and now I have the other halfs . So I have a piece of their hearts and they have a piece of mine, and so it will be, forever.

I know that grief is part of life, but when you lose someone so important and special, it's hard to accept that they're gone. And sometimes it is even worse when we are surrounded by people that don't understand truly what we are going through.

But How could they understand? They've never held Birba in their arms when she was so little that she fit in a palm, when she was so tiny
that she would get lost in the sheets, they didn't have Lily looking after them when they were 11 and they had to stay home alone because they had the flu, they weren't at Lily's side when she gave birth to 7 beautiful creatures, they never felt the strength of Minu's love and devotion when she waited for us in front of our neighboors' front door evvery night, or when she heard me crying and she would lean towards me, rubbing her head against mine.
And they have' never known the pain of hearing that Lily has breasts cancer, that their little baby girl (Birba) is dead and you didn't even get to say goodbye to her. Or that the last of your lifetime friends is going to leave you soon too, and that it is up to YOU to decide when to let her go cause her body can't take it any longer and it's slowly shutting down.
So after 19 years of life together you have to make the decision of putting your beloved cat to sleep, and you keep telling yourself that it's for her own good, that she'll be better, she'll fly to a place where there is no pain, but deep inside ,you know that you'd rather have her here . And then you feel guilty and selfish for wanting her to stay even though she's in pain, cause that means you're thinking that your pain is more important then hers, but at the end you see in her eyes that she's tired, and it's her way to let you know that she tried, but she can't take it anymore and you can't ignore the pain in her eyes, and you decide it's time: the moment you've dreaded all your life has come and it's time to say goodbye to her.

So you close your eyes and you take a deep breath and try to make it perfect, cause you know that this will be your last moment together, the last time you see her eyes, the last time you feel her silky flur, the last time you can hug her and kiss her or play with her paws. It's the last time you'll see Minu's big eyes, the last time you can rub your face in her tummy, or the last time you can touch Lily's silky ears, the last time she can lick your face, the last time you'll see Birba's chubby face, and the last time you can hold her to your heart. And from now on, all you'll have will be just memories. The beautiful memories of those childhood winters playing in the snow with your faithful dog, the evenings in front of the fireplace cuddled up to keep youselves warm, those times when you had to hide from your mother that Lily was under your bed cause she didn't want her to be in the children's room at night, and you kept her under the bed until she was gone, and you didn't realize that Mom knew that lily was there all along, and she was ok with that, cause she saw how happy she made you, and that little girl with all her nightmares and fears, slept better with her friends beside her.

The first days after they've gone, when you close your eyes you can see their faces, and you can feel them around the house, on your bed, on your lap, in the corner of the room, on the chair , on the couch. Opening the door you'd expect them to be right there, greeting you, and suddenly coming home become the worst part of the day, your house is suddenly so empty, and you think to yourself that you had never realized that it was them who made it alive.
Then you go to bed, alone, and you think of them , as you did all day , and you wish you could hug them one last time, and then you fall asleep, while a tear falls from your eyes and hoping to meet them in a dream.

How could someone who has not lived that, understand what it means to lose them? They can't! In order to understand they should've grown up with them, should've taken care of them, and cried with them as they were taking their last breath.

I really hope more of them will be loved by people, and I wished there were more people that let themselves be loved by those special creatures.
They have no idea how much a dog or a cat can give you.

To all our beautiful , precious friends who are waiting for us in the world of joy. You were special! And you made our lives special. Thank you.

Hi, Julie, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing. As I read your post tears come to my eyes for I do SO understand how broken and empty and painful your heart is feeling. And I can so relate to what you share with us: "I know that grief is part of life, but when you lose someone so important and special, it's hard to accept that they're gone. And sometimes it is even worse when we are surrounded by people that don't understand truly what we are going through.

This grief journey is not about "acceptance" of the physical loss of a beloved companion, but rather one of "adjustment to" the empty arms and physical separation - - and this is a very painful adjustment to make both emotionally and physically. While clinical professionals now recognize that the grief journey for the physical loss of a beloved companion is identical to the physical loss of a human family member or friend, sadly sometimes it is the people who are the closest to us both emotionally and geographically who do not. And this DOES intensify the grief that we are enduring.

This is one of the many reasons why this wonderful forum is here - - so that we can be among people who truly DO understand how broken and shattered and empty and lifeless we are feeling as we endure the very painful grief adjustment journey to establishing a "new normal" that no longer includes the physical presence of our beloved companion.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Julie, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Lily's, Birba's, and Minu's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Julie, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[quote name='Gretta's Mom' date='May 7 2013, 05:31 AM' post='77397']

Now both of them, and your Lily, Birka and Milu, are back in the home from which they came, the perfect World. Where there is warm sunshine, restful shade, cool water, tasty food, millions of friends and NO sickness, pain or sadness. These special animals are spirit-animals (like in the Native American tradition of the White Buffalo). They are our soul-mates. From the beginning of time they have held a piece of our soul and we have held a piece of theirs. These amazing beings search the universe over for the person who holds their "missing piece". And, wonder of wonders, they find us! And they put themselves in our paths so We find Them. And we do! And we look into their eyes and KNOW. Because both they and we are part spirit, they have NOT gone away. We just can't sense them. And we as people (how dumb) say that what we cannot sense, does not exist. NOT! Our soul-mates are still where they ever were-right at our feet or on our beds next to us or walking through the house. We just can't see them. But they're still on their jobs: watching over us, protecting us from harm, guiding our steps and, most importantly, loving us and being loved by us. An old song says "One bright morning where this life is over, I'll fly away .... To a land where joys shall never end, I'll fly away" and we will. and we will be reunited with our soul-mates. And we will both be whole again. And, like another old song says, "No more parting, no more tears." Forever and ever.

Hi Gretta's mom, I wanted to ask you if I can use part of what you said as a tribute to my babies, I didn't want to "steal" your speech and share it against your will, but I would really like to use it, on an image, as a quote, I don't know yet but your words really reached my heart and they felt so right and true.
The story about how our pets and we are soul mates and how they look for us and then find us, is really beautiful and perfect.
Let me know if you are ok with me using this part of your speech. I can credit it to you if you want (it's not like I'm trying to make it mine or anything).

Tomorrow's going to be a hard day. It's Birba's birthday and for the second time she's not celebrating it with us. I miss them all so bad.
I know exactly what would cheer me up on a day like tomorrow, that would be having my little girls here to hug and pet, or playing in the garden with Lily. Getting mad at Birba because she broke something but then after looking into her eyes ending up with hugging her tight, and then falling asleep with Birba in her crib and Minu on my chest. That would definitely make my day. But I guess that's the point of tomorrow being a hard day: not having them with me.

Well, I'm going to celebrate the fact that Birba was born on this day, eventhough she's not with me anymore, I am so glad and so grateful that she WAS with me, I'm so glad I was blessed with 8 wonderful years with her.

Oh Julie LBM

I would be honored if my words touched your heart enough for you to want to use them as a tribute to your babies. And no credits are needed. These words come out of my heart, my old traditions - East and West - and the deep grief of my two losses. They are my gift to you. And, as still another old song says, "when we meet up yonder, we'll walk hand in hand again".

Through the grief, through the tears, through the darkest days, I try to keep the figure of the soul-mate before my eyes, especially when I'm tempted to ask, Is this ever going to end? And of course, it will only end when we DO again meet our soul-mate in the Perfect World. Then our hearts will be complete, never to be parted again.

You've touched my heart, Julie.

Gretta and Rufus's mom

Thank you so much for letting me use your words , I really appreciate that.
It is so true, I could not describe better the bond that held my babies and me together: we are simply soul- mates,that's why it is so hard for us to be apart, that's why we feel like we are not complete now.
It's a special bond that you can only understand if you experience it. No words can ever describe that feeling fully. But you gave a pretty amazing explanation, very touching and specific.
I have to translate it to my language, could you explain what you meant by "Because both they and we are part spirit, " ? Cause I'm not quite sure what "part spirit" means. Do you mean we are part of a whole spirit? or do you mean part like "separated" ?

Thank you again for being so kind with me . I wish there were more people like you in this world.
Gretta and Rufus were very lucky to have such a wonderful mom.