When my parents divorced when I was 10 years old, my life was in shambles. After the dust settled, as a 12 year old girl, I finally got to bring to our new home my first kitten. He was a tiny tabby, with this little meow.

His mother was owned by our neighbor and I watched her belly grow with excitement. My first kitty was growing in there. My friend had picked him out for me. I remember her telling me he was perfect for me. The first time I saw him he was maybe 2 weeks old. Just itty bitty and curled up with his brother and sister. The day we came to bring them home, my mom couldn't bear to leave just one behind... So we brought them all home.

He grew so fast. I remember one of the first days we had them, petting them as they were all curled up together in a kitten ball, just purring. I couldn't believe I finally had my very own kitty. He was so perfect.

As we grew together, we became best friends. The level of love I had for him is so deep, I can feel it in my bones. Every day, coming home to his boisterous meow and his big glorious purr were like music to me. Picking up his big body and he would wrap his paws around my shoulder and rub his face all over me. We were best friends.

Every night for 15 years, he slept right near and usually shared my pillow. Many times we woke up nose to nose. Laying in bed with him being lazy on weekend mornings was such a special time for us. He bonded so much with my husband and we always joked that he was more human than cat. He often spoke and sounded like he was saying "Mom" "Hello" and "Now!" I love him so much and thinking back on these memories brings me some peace through this deep dark pain of losing him.

Today is Friday.

Monday morning, I was awoken around 3:30 in the morning. I had my hand on Tigger, who I also called Pooh or Poohba. I don't know why. Something just felt wrong. 2 days before he'd woken me with heavy breathing, but after a terrible vet visit with not his regular vet, but this awful vet that was close she left me to believe he was dealing with asthma. Being an asthmatic myself, I got my nebulizer and gave him some Albuterol. By this point, my husband had been wakened as well. His breathing became more rapid. I stopped the nebulizer and was about to call the vet when he cried and collapsed. I panicked, I thought he had passed away. My husband touched him and he came back but was still breathing very heavy. I called my vet shaking at the thought that this could be the end, and he said Tigger was likely having heart failure and would pass away. The thought of having to sit and watch this cat who I loved so much suffer and die made me feel so helpless. After watching and sitting with him for an hour we decided to have the vet come to the house to help him pass. My mom and brother came as Tigger had become a huge part of their lives as well. Before I moved out on my own, Tigger was a part of their family. We all sat with him, telling stories and crying. The vet finally arrived after what seemed like hours and Tigger jumped off the bed, drank some water and even went downstairs to eat. He even came back upstairs on his own and jumped on the couch to visit the vet. Our vet was puzzled...

After some injections and reviewing the X-rays from the other vet, he figured Tigger would be fine and come out of this. With relief my mom and brother left. My husband and I curled up with Tigger in bed to take a nap. He jumped into the bed, visited with me, purred. Suddenly he cried and collapsed again. Not even 20 minutes after the vet had left. He was gasping, crying..... I called the vet and he started panting. We followed the vets instructions and tried some medications. He laid down on the floor, flat and rapidly breathing. I knew he was dying and I knew we needed to put him out of this suffering and fast. The vet suggested bringing him so that we could try intensive care... But I knew I was going to lose him. I regretted feeling like this after... Feeling like I gave up on him too soon. But I knew he wasn't coming back.

The vet evaluated him. Asked him why he didn't look like this when we were all at home... Gently tried a few different things and took his temperature. He was dying. He suggested euthanasia. I covered Pooh with my body and cried while saying goodbye to him. The day I never wanted to come was here. How could I live without this beautiful creature? How can I go on without him?

I always imagined that when you make the decision to euthanize an animal that time would stop. That the vet would get everything ready and there would be this long wait... There wasn't. The vet was ready before I was but I knew I would never truly be ready.

I wanted so much for his passing to be peaceful. It wasn't. He cried out while they injected him. I couldn't bear it... I kept my hand on him, I want him to know I was there. Then suddenly he was quiet. It was over. He was gone. He is for forever.

There aren't words for what I would do to have just moments with him. I would have sold my house and lived in a box if that would have been enough to save him. He was such an energy in our house. He was the king of our home... Our castle has lost it's king...

I always knew this would be hard. I knew I would cry and I knew it would be painful. What I did not imagine was the guilt, the second guessing, this desperate feeling to just find him somewhere in our home and bring him into bed to sleep with me. My body aches with the pain of knowing I will never get to feed him again. Hear his meow again. Hear him purr again. I'm trying to remember how grateful I am that he was a part of my life and lived so many happy years with me..... But I still need him. I don't want to learn to live without him.

My lap is empty when I get home. My side of the bed is empty and I can't sleep there anymore. I can't eat. I can't sleep without being medicated. My heart is empty and broken.

I miss him so much...

Hi, Stephanie, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Tigger. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Stephanie, please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief - - very painful both emotionally and physically, yes, - - yet still very normal. This grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity, for it is filled with many different emotions that can overwhelm us all at one time - - it is a journey that is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride.

We live in a physically oriented world governed by the five senses of sight, sound, taste, touch, and smell. When our companions come into our hearts and home our lives are changed for the better. Every time they touch us, lick / kiss us, rub against us they are chemically imprinting themselves on us so that they can identify us out of all the millions of other people on this planet. They are totally dependent upon us for their every need - - physically and emotionally - - and because of this they literally become the center of our universe. They give to us their unconditional love and undivided attention, and we in turn surrender ourselves to them without reservation and without fear of rejection.

When our companions precede us to the angels our lives are changed again, and we are faced with the incredibly painful task of re-inventing our lives to accommodate a "new normal" that no longer includes the precious physical presence of our beloved companion. This is not an easy adjustment to make - - it is an adjustment that will not be resolved in an hour, a day, a week, a month, or even 6 months - - for you are now on a journey of adjusting to all the first withouts and the "this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year" etc., to endure. It is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time, in your own way and in your own time.

I also want to reassure you that the physical symptoms of grieving you are experiencing are very normal - - insomnia, lack of appetite, difficulty concentrating, lack of interest in daily routines, etc.. During the very deep grief, we continue to function on what I call "automatic pilot" - - bills get paid, groceries are bought and put away, laundry is done, dishes are washed, jobs are done, etc., but it is more as if we are on the outside of life looking into a world that seems distant, remote. This is a normal survival mechanism for our minds and bodies to process the enormous shock and trauma to our lives - - and losing a beloved companion qualifies as a major shock and trauma.

Scientific studies prove that every living being has a physical energy that becomes an integral part of the family unit. When this energy is no longer present, the family unit must now establish a new "heirarchy" of the remaining physical energies - - during the deep grief it can feel as if the very structure of the house is mourning. The sound of silence from the physical loss can be deafening.

The good news in the mist of all this pain is that the eternal love you and your beloved Tigger share is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Tigger's sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey as he always has and always will - - for he is always and forever a part of your heart and memories, Stephanie - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the deep seering pain of sorrow that is in your heart, Stephanie. I can only hope that the words I share with you will be able to offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey. One of the many things you need to remember is that you are not alone - - each of us are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Thank you so very much for sharing your beloved Tigger with us, and these wonderful pictures of your beloved boy. There is no doubt that you and your husband did everything you could to give your beloved Tigger a happy and healthy earthly journey. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Stephanie, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you so much for your kind and comforting words. Coming here and writing out everything was helpeful plus your post really helped me understand what and why I'm feeling like I do.

I will be checking in and also once I have the emotional energy contributing to this site. Hopefully I can pay forward the help you've given me.

Thank you.

Hi Stephanie,

I think you are exactly right. They do take a part of our hearts with them, and that's exactly what it feels like. My heart literally feels broken.

I am sorry for your loss. I'm sorry I don't have anything to say to help you. Trigger sure was handsome though. Poe and Tigger looked so much alike.

Thank you for your kind words. You're in my thoughts.

Blessings,
Suzanne

Stephanie, I am so sorry for your loss. Your Tigger is such a beautiful tabby cat, what a sweet face! One can just tell by looking at the pictures that he was loved. Your story resonated with me in the sense that I felt the same way when my Danny died, only I didn't put it in words quite the same way you did, but that's exactly how I felt when you said:"How could I live without this beautiful creature? How can I go on without him?"

My heart goes out to you. Tigger sounds like such a sweetie, giving you hugs and snuggling with you nose to nose. What a sweetheart! The little fur-covered angels give us so much love and losing them just breaks our hearts. You've had Tigger since you were a kid which makes it especially hard. He was part of your life through your formative years and you had such a deep bond with him. I know how hard it is letting go. When my Danny was euthanized I wanted to scream "NO!" but I had to restrain myself. I never felt so much pain in my life.

Please take good care of yourself and make sure you get enough rest as going through grief can be so exhausting and taxing on the immune system.

Hugs,
DannysMom

Thank you all so much for your words of comfort. I can't even begin to tell you how much I appreciate each of your posts.

Today marks one week. Yesterday would have been his 15th birthday. I spent the morning with my horse, had just a nice quiet bareback ride. Then my mom came over to spend the afternoon with me. My husband and my mom have absolutely been my life lines this week. I don't know how I would have survived this week without them.

Saturday night my husband's parents wanted to go out for Cinco de Mayo... They're pretty big party-ers. My husband and I are not as much. I didn't want to be drinking because I knew that had the potential for me to feel even more depressed. We went with the mindset of seeing how it went. It's really funny how some people see the loss of a companion animal. My husband's parents had lost a dog to an accident a couple years ago. They can't talk about him without losing it. Yet when we were ready to leave because we were exhausted, they said "Just have a Redbull." It felt as if the loss they suffered was more significant.

Others, (like my mom) have been so wonderful. Lots of hugs and words of comfort. My dad and my brother won't come to our house, I feel because they don't want to be here without Tigger. I know being here without him is hard... Believe me. It just feels selfish that they don't want to be here for me.

With every day, it has been getting easier. I still cry easily and often but I am able to eat a little easier and falling asleep is getting easier. I feel like he's with me spiritually. I'm sure this probably sounds completely crazy but I've worked with an animal communicator in the past and I have an appointment to talk with him at the end of this month. I'm very hopeful that this will help give me some closure.

Hi, Stephanie, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I am so very glad you have the support of your mom and husband through this very difficult adjustment.

Many people seek the counsel of animal communicators to help them in their grief journey, so no - - you are not "crazy". The words "closure" "getting over", "move on", etc., were introduced into the grief journey when hospice was being introduced into the medical services here in the US in the 1970s, 1980s. However, these terms are very misleading because they imply that a person can, in essence, "forget" or are "leaving behind" the loved one who is no longer physically present - - whoever the life form. And we know there is NO WAY in heaven or on earth that we can EVER forget or leave behind our beloved companions. In reality, our beloved companions continue to be a part of us as we continue on our earthly journey - - for they are always and forever in our hearts and memories - - they are always and forever a heartbeat close to us - - no matter how many years we continue on with our earthly journey. This is why our grief journey is more appropriately one of adjustment to the physical absence of our beloved companions.

Stephanie, I hope today is treating you and your husband kindly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Tigger's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you so much moon beam.

Yesterday evening we backed up our phones to save pictures and videos. When we first realized Tigger was passing away, all I could think was that we didn't have enough pictures of him. Last night we discovers that we had lost many of our photos of him when we had a hard drive failure a couple years ago with no back up. This has me feeling almost panicked, like I'm going to forget him and all those little details about him. I know this isn't possible but it gives me an anxiety feeling. I've also been waking up the last couple mornings feeling sadness because he's really gone. Like I've been kind of expecting this wasn't real and he would come home.

I haven't mentioned our other animals in our home but we have a cat named Katie who is 8 years old. She has always been very shy but was very bonded with Tigger. She is definitely grieving for him so I've been making a point to show her more affection when she asks for it. The last couple of mornings she's been sleeping in Tigger's spot in our bed. At first, I didn't like that she was in his spot but now I've been finding it very comforting.

We also have a dog Reggie who has seemed lost without Tigger. Bedtime has been hard for him and he's been curling up with me for us to both fall asleep.

Hi, Stephanie, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Indeed, the companions who remain in the household also grieve for the physical absence of their housemate, and it warms my heart to know that you are offering your precious Katie and Reggie comfort and support - - for you are comforting one another during this very difficult time of transition in your home.

I can so relate to your precious Katie sleeping in Tigger's spot on the bed. This is where she finds his scent and feels his sweet Living Spirit, and it's comforting for her to rest there. When my beloved number one kitty son Eli joined the angels, my precious Noah grieved deeply for him. It was over 2 years before he finally abandoned the comforter that had Eli's scent on it - - this was the only place my precious Noah would sleep. It was only after I was sure that my precious Noah no longer sought comfort from sleeping on the comforter that I finally washed it.

I can so imagine how panicked you felt when you discovered your pictures had been lost from your computer, and I am so glad you still have pictures of your beloved Tigger from other sources that you can now save and cherish through the coming years.

It is also quite normal what you are feeling when you share with us: "I've also been waking up the last couple mornings feeling sadness because he's really gone. Like I've been kind of expecting this wasn't real and he would come home." - - When we have experienced a traumatic event, our minds and bodies literally go into a "survival" mode which protects our minds from becoming overloaded / overwhelmed with the event. Gradually the mind begins to filter through the event to process what happened - - which brings us to the process of dealing with the "reality". I assure you that what you are experiecning is a very normal - - yet very painful - - part of the grieving process, Stephanie.

I hope today is treating you and your precious Katie and Reggie kindly, Stephanie, and that you will have a very peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Tigger's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Yesterday I picked up Tigger's ashes. I was bracing. I was expecting the visit back to the vets office to be as devastating as it was when we left last week. The receptionist handed me a tiny box and certificate. I was stunned at how such a huge and wonderful presence could leave and remain in such a tiny box.

I'm so glad he's home but I wish so badly that I could have brought home a healthy Tigger, not his ashes. I'm learning to accept that he isn't physically here and welcome the calm feeling of knowing he's still spiritually here. I feel this warmth on my shoulders when I cry and when I miss him... I know it's him reminding me he's still with me.

It finally feels like the worst is over. Like we've gone full circle now. There isn't anything else pending, just the special things I want to do to celebrate him. I have moments of overwhelming sadness where I just want to scoop him up and listen to him purr. I know I'll hear that purr again... Possibly not during this lifetime but I'm holding into faith that I will find him and hold him again.

Hi, Stephanie, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Yes, bringing our beloved companion's ashes home is a two sided coin: on one side it can be comforting to have them home again where they belong - - yet the other side of the coin is yet another "reality check" that they are no longer physically with us in the way our hearts and arms long for them.

I hope today is treating you and your precious Katie and Reggie kindly, Stephanie, and that you will have a very peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Tigger's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you moon beam for your continued support. You are an angel...

Today I find myself feeling very conflicted. I was browsing some adoptable cats and feeling guilty because I worry its too soon. But I also find myself feeling so lonely. Katie doesn't really like to be held and to snuggle. She doesn't want to sleep in our bed anymore. I love cuddling with Reggie but I miss having a cat to hold and curl up with. I found a cat that I think would be a good fit for our home. He loves to cuddle and has a loud purr like Tigger according to the ad. But I feel guilty because I just brought home his ashes a couple days ago. What are some good ways to know if you're ready to bring home a new furbaby? I know no one could ever replace him... But I wonder if cuddling another might help ease the pain some.

Hi, Stephanie, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing. You ask a universal question: "What are some good ways to know if you're ready to bring home a new furbaby? I know no one could ever replace him... But I wonder if cuddling another might help ease the pain some."

There is no "wrong" answer to your question. Some people find it quite comforting to adopt a new companion quickly after experiencing a loss - - to help ease the pain of sorrow as well as to give a loving home to a homeless waif. Some people prefer to wait until after their deep grief has passed. Some people prefer to do foster care and pet sit for family members and friends, and some people never adopt another companion - - for whatever reason. Only YOU will know when your heart is ready to embrace a new companion into your heart and home. And rest assured that your beloved Tigger is guiding your and a new companion's path to the moment in time when you will meet and you know beyond all shadow of a doubt that your hearts are meant for each other.

As a word of caution, however: You may want to do the adoption on a "trial basis" in the beginning just to make sure that you and your precious Katie and Reggie are ready for a new companion. There are situations that arise when a new companion comes into the home and the family unit discovers that it really isn't ready yet for a new housemate - - which only adds to the stress for everyone including the new companion. It's just a thought for you to consider - - for whatever it may be worth.

I hope today is treating you and your precious Katie and Reggie kindly, Stephanie, and that you will have a very peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Tigger's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing - - and look forward to sharing your good news whenever you decide to embrace a new companion into your heart and home.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you moon beam for all your words and comfort. I've been thinking on your last reply for the past couple of days.

I have scheduled a time to meet this cat that has caught my eye. I will have to feel it out and see if a trial is an option though I so feel that this cat would do well with them.

It is shocking to me that over two weeks have passed since we lost Tigger. Some days it feels like it was so long ago and other times it feels like I can't believe it's already been that long. Time seems to stop sometimes.

I went to pick up food for Katie today and it caught me by surprise how much just being there made me think of him and miss having to pick up his special food. I miss him so much and so deeply.

Also I find myself frequently looking for him, like for a moment I forgot he wasn't here anymore. I know it's normal and part of the grieving process but its cruel. I feel my heart break every time I have this realization and its been happening a couple times each day.

I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. I never imagined how much grief hurts, mentally and physically.

Hi, Stephanie, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I can truly relate to how you're feeling when you share with us: "It is shocking to me that over two weeks have passed since we lost Tigger. Some days it feels like it was so long ago and other times it feels like I can't believe it's already been that long. Time seems to stop sometimes." My beloved canine companion Oslo joined the angels on Thanksgiving weekend 2009 at the senior age of 15 years and 2 weeks. Here in Virginia the annual real estate taxes are due by December 5, and I usually try to pay my taxes at the treasurer's office before Thanksgiving. At the same time I pay my taxes I also purchased Oslo's County ID tag. When I drove into town to pay my taxes in November 2010, I knew I would not be needing to get an ID tag for my beloved Oslo. I had always needed a copy of his Rabies vaccination and neuter surgery, but I no longer needed to take a copy of them with me. As I was leaving the treasurer's office after paying my taxes, I looked at their bulletin board which had a reminder that County ID tags were needed for dogs and for a brief moment I thought to myself "Oh no, I forgot Oslo's records" - - and then I remembered - - once again - - that I did not need them. The walk out to the parking lot was filled with many emotions - - even a year after my beloved Oslo had joined the angels.

These moments are a normal part of the grief adjustment journey - - and even beyond the first year angel-versary. Even 10, - - even 50 - - years beyond the adjustment to the physical absence of your beloved Tigger there can be moments when "time stands still" - - and you find yourself remembering your beloved Tigger as though it is "just yesterday". Hopefully these moments will be a source of comfort to you - - a reminder that you and your beloved Tigger continue to share an eternal love bond.

I hope your "get acquainted" meeting with your potential new companion will go smoothly for you - - and whatever you decide will be the RIGHT one for you. Please let us know how things go.

I hope today is treating you and your precious Katie and Reggie kindly, Stephanie, and that you will have a very peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Tigger's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Stephanie, please allow me to offer my deepest condolences on the loss of your beloved Tigger. What a wonderful name (Tigger was always my favorite) and a handsome tabby man cat. I agree with moon_beam in that there is no right or wrong time to decide to add a new fur baby to your family. They will never replace Tigger, but there are plenty of less fortunate waifs out there that need love and a forever home. What ever you decide will be the right choice for you. My precious Sir Thomas had only been gone for 5 months when I adopted Tang from the vet's. That was 2 years ago, and to this day I believe Tom had a guiding paw in bringing him my way. I hope life is treating you and your other fur kids well today. Take care.

Thank you moon beam and Tom's Dad for your words and thoughts. I really appreciate all the support here. This group and this forum is amazing.

Katie has been such a comfort since Tigger has been gone. She was such an anti-social cat but has really changed and I feel we have been relying on each other. Reggie has also been such a great pup and letting me hold him when I can't keep it together anymore. Katie has changed from this shy and sheepish cat into this boss lady. She patrols the house now and seems to be always on guard... It's also been very bizarre. Things that Tigger would do, noises, actions... Suddenly I find Katie doing those things which she never used to do. Has anyone experienced that before?

Today marks 3 weeks since losing him. I feel his presence in our house so much but I feel this overwhelming feeling sometimes when I think of the "lasts". Last time I got to hold him, brush him, feed him. I finally was able to wash my bed sheets that had his spot marked in his hair. This feeling of loss is strong with me so much sometimes and other times I feel like I might be finally "okay" again.

Tom's Dad, I can completely relate to feeling as though your other cat helped guide you to this new friend. I feel the same. We went to visit this cat at the humane society and he was waiting at the door for us. I had a dream about him the night before and so much of my dream fit with what I experienced when we met this little guy. I wanted so badly to find Tigger in him which of course I didn't. He is such a completely different cat but he is wonderful. I know it has only been 3 weeks and I feel scared sometimes that maybe I am doing this too fast. But I need another companion to help me through this. I fear others are judging me, as if I'm trying to replace Tigger. I'm not. I know I can't replace him as much as I wish I could. I just feel that maybe this cat and I can really help each other. We pick him up Wednesday and I am so happy to bring him home. I feel very good that he, Katie and Reggie will get along well.

Hi, Stephanie, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you and your precious Katie and Reggie are doing. I am so smiling at how your precious Katie has assumed the role of "alpha" kitty. It is quite common for at least one of the housemates to take on the traits of the companion who is no longer physically present. I firmly believe that your beloved Tigger is "coaching" your precious Katie and is letting you know through her that his sweet Living Spirit is still very much a part of your family - - as he always will be.

Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal grief when you share with us: "This feeling of loss is strong with me so much sometimes and other times I feel like I might be finally "okay" again." This is all a part of the normal grief journey, Stephanie. Please know we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

I am also so very glad you are eagerly anticipating a new arrival into your family. Please know there are no judgments made here - - only YOU can know when it is the "right time" to embrace a new companion into your heart and home. With your and your beloved Tigger's loving guidance there is no doubt that your new family member will be welcomed by your precious Katie and Reggie. Please let us know how things go, and - - if you want to - - we look forward to sharing your joy in the New Beginnings section of the forum.

I hope today is treating you and your precious Katie and Reggie kindly, Stephanie, and that you will have a very peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Tigger's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam