Hi All,

I don't have much to add from what has already been said. My heart is totally broken, and the pain is overwhelming. I actually can't believe how much it hurts, how much pain people can take and still survive.

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Love and blessings to anyone else who is experiencing this.

Suzanne

Hi, Suzanne, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Poe. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company.

Suzanne, this grief journey is one of the hardest experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is filled with so many emotions that can overwhelm us all at one time - - it is a journey that is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. This journey is one of adjustment to the physical loss of your beloved Poe, and is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time, in your own way and in your own time. It is a journey that will not be reconciled in an hour, a day, a week, a month, or even 6 months - - for you are now on a journey that is filled with all the "first withouts" and the "this time yesterday, last week, last month," etc., to endure.

The good news in the midst of all this pain is that the love bond you and your beloved Poe share is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Poe's sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey as he always has and always will for he is always and forever a part of you, Suzanne - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of sorrow that is in your heart. I can only hope the words I share with you will be able to somehow offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief journey. One of the many things you need to remember is that you are not alone, Suzanne - - each of us here do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Thank you so much for sharing this adorable picture of your beloved Poe with us, Suzanne. He looks so happy - - which is a reflection of the eternal love you and your beloved Poe share. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Suzanne, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you so much for your kind words. I wish I had more to say, but I'm just in pain and that can't be expressed in words. He was a dear sweet soul and loved more than I can say.

Btw, my other cat is playing this obsessive fetch game. Is that normal? Is is anything to worry about?

Hi, Suzanne, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal grief - - very painful both emotionally and physically, yes - - still very normal. It's okay that you do not feel up to sharing more with us right now - - we are here for you, with you, and beside you through every step of your grief adjustment journey, and are here to share with you whatever you feel comfortable sharing with us, whenever you feel comfortable sharing with us.

With regard to your precious companion, it is a recognized fact that the precious companion(s) who continue with the family unit after a beloved companion has joined the angels also grieve for their housemate. For some companions this may manifest in changed behaviors - - such as obsessive play, or they may become lethargic and stop eating and taking care of themselves. They may seek more affection from their human caregivers even when before they may not have needed / wanted it. It is important that you frequently tell your kitty companion that he / she is loved, and that you miss his / her companion, too. Try to find time to give your kitty companion some extra attention and affection, for this important to your companion's physical and emotional health. And of course if you become concerned about your kitty companion's behavior, then you may want to take your companion to see his / her veterinary practitioner for a consult.

Suzanne, I hope today is treating you and your precious companion kindly, and that you both will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Poe's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you and your companion are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thanks again. Your words are very comforting.

It does feel a little better every day, and I'm starting to not expect him around every corner, which is less painful. James is a great comfort, even though he's being more needy than usual, and that's saying a lot. But when it is painful, it's so intense it's hard to express.

The anguish is easing somewhat, however, I almost think the grief is easier. With the grief it's tangible. I know that will get better. The absence and longing just feels flat and endless. I honestly can't wait for the day when I have a slight memory of him that causes no pain, like pets or people I've lost years ago.

I was able to start exercising again today -- something I enjoy and do on a regular basis. I'm going through the middle of all the pain but that doesn't make me want it to be over and soon.

Over the weekend I started to create a home video of him. Those tend to take me a while, but I think it will be a nice memorial to him when it's finished. I have some great video, which is a treasure and am so glad I took those. His personality really comes out on screen.

Again, I can't say how much your kindness means.

Suzanne

I'm missing Poe so much. I read another thread here and the author talked about how much she still felt pain weeks and months later. I hope that's not in my future. I'm over the initial shock and now I'm just depressed and missing him.

Hi Suzanne - that is my mom's name

While I know the exact pain you are going through now, I can tell you that over time it does ease and you learn to cope with the loss of Poe. Everybody "heals" at different speeds and in different ways, there is no right or wrong way. We are all individuals and we cope differently. The best thing you can do is allow yourself to grieve and mourn the loss of Poe one day at a time and not think about how long you will feel that way. Each time you cry or share a special memory with someone else is one small step closer toward being "better". Do we ever forget our fur balls? NO WAY! But we are eventually able to think about them and smile at all the joy and happiness they brought us rather than feel sadness from their passing. At that point you know you have made great strides. I think about my cat Reggie everyday and it's been 2.5 years since he passed, but I can today think about him and how special and loving he was and not feel sad. I cannot even remember how long it took to get to that point since it was a gradual process. But I found that sharing stories, looking at pictures and not trying to erase the memories was a huge part of getting to a point of being able to accept his passing. I always remember how happy he made me and my family and remind myself that that joy was many, many times greater than the sadness we felt from his passing. We never want that happiness to end, but sadly we rarely ever outlive our furballs. They come into our lives for a reason, whether it be to help cope with another loss or just be a friend when you don't have one. They could be with us for 20 years (some are!) but it still wouldn't be long enough.

Just keep talking to others about your Poe and don't be afraid to cry and know that some days will be better and worse than others. But you will be able to eventually look back and only smile at the memories you have of Poe. Hang in there

Hi, Suzanne, thank you so much for sharing with us how you and your precious James are doing. I am so glad you are working on a video of your beloved Poe. I know this will help you to find comfort as you remember your earthly journey together. Some people also find it helpful to make memorial scrapbooks and / or keep a journal of their feelings and memories.

One of the hardest adjustments we are faced with is adjusting our daily life to the physical absence of our beloved companions - - and it is a painful adjustment both emotionally and physically. As our forum friend Aaron has so comfortingly shared with you, eventually the deep sorrow does ease which will make it easier to remember the wonderful journey you and your beloved Poe shared during his earthly journey - - and will also hopefully help you to know that his sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey as he always has and always will.

I hope today is treating you and your precious James kindly, Suzanne, and that you both will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Poe's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you and your precious James are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

I think one of the hardest parts is that if I just would have paid the money then Poe would still be here with me. It was out of my choice that my baby is gone. That's what is killing me. It was the second of a several thousand dollar surgery that I just decided I couldn't go into more debt for. He wasn't sickly (but he did need the surgery to survive) I just choose the decision I did out of financial reasons. No one should have to make that kind of choice. He was way more than a pet to me and I gave him up.

Could anyone talk about how to come to peace with that kind of a choice?

Suzanne,

The guilt part of grieving is perhaps the most difficult step of the grieving process to deal with. You have to remember that for every person like you who was able to give your sweet Poe medical assistance, there are many, many people who could not afford to do anything. There are people who spend 10s of 1000s of dollars trying to heal their beloved pets who are unable to. No matter how much money and time you dedicate to your companion's health, it never seems like it's enough if they don't pull through. You have to try and re-direct your thoughts not on the last days and weeks of Poe's life, but on what made him special. Perhaps sharing more stories and pictures of him with us will help you with the grieving process.

I won't lie, having to let go of our companions is an incredibly difficult decision to make. We could have continued more treatment with Quincy with the remote chance that he was able to come back to us, even if in a reduced form. But we had to make the difficult decision, one out of love, to let him rest in peace. It might help to ask yourself "what would Poe have wanted me to do?" It might be a difficult question to ask, but I doubt Poe would have wanted you to go into financial ruin, but that is also a testament of how loyal and how understanding these animals are. They are selfless and care first and foremost about their caretakers.

Aaron and Moonbeam,

I've been wanting to thank for for all your kind words. The time that you've taken to respond to me and say something comforting has meant the world to me. These first weeks, which have been some of the most painful of my life, have been crucial for me to have support and you both have so generously given it. Thank you so much.

I'm feeling much better now. Don't get me wrong, I'm really, really sad and heart broken, but I had my first day where I felt like I wasn't in a fog. So many people have been so kind to me. And my mom has tolerated sometimes several calls a day just to listen to me say how much I miss him. In many ways I'm very lucky.

I'll be adding more here about Poe, for now I need to get some sleep.

Thanks again.

Hi, Suzanne, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing. As I read through your post of 4/23 and Aaron's reply of 4/24, I reaffirm to you the very comforting words our forum friend Aaron has shared with you. There is also another aspect to Aaron's comforting words that I would like to share with you: Although your beloved Poe needed the additional surgery, you need to ask yourself what the cost would have been to him physically as well as to his spirit. For example - - When my beautiful baby girl Abbygayle was diagnosed with advanced Fibrosarcoma on her left hip, she underwent three surgeries to remove the tumors, with the tumors coming back after each surgery. After the first two surgeries she did well in her recovery. I was very concerned about her undergoing the third surgery so soon after recovering from the second one, and I asked her doctor about what she thought it would do to Abbygayle emotionally. My beautiful baby girl let us know - - she was very tired and let both me and her doctors know that she had had enough. The tumors returned quickly after the third surgery, and there was nothing more her doctors or I could do for her except to keep her comfortable and happy until it was time to ease her journey home to the angels. When she had her surgeries the doctor could have amputated her leg, but I am very glad she did not - - for it would not have changed the course of the cancer and the already established hold it had on my baby girl's body.

So you see, Suzanne - - it's not just about having the financial ability to afford the veterinary care - - it's also equally, if not more, important to stay focused on what was truly best for your beloved Poe - - even when it means making the very difficult decision to WITHHOLD invasive medical procedures - - for whatever reason. Your beloved Poe KNOWS you did everything in your power to give him a happy and healthy earthly journey - - and it is the many wonderful memories that you and your beloved Poe share that he wants you to hold in your heart.

Please know we are here for you, Suzanne, to share with you the better days, and to help you through the days you may still feel the very deep sorrow in your heart. I hope today is treating you and your precious James kindly, and that you both will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Poe's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you and your precious James are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Now I'm sick. Grieving, sick and it's the end of the semester and I have to give finals this week. I'm exhausted. James is doing well though. He's been a total blessing.

Will add more later.

We have all been through what you are going through and while it might not seem like much, the words from others really does go a long way to help you through these difficult times. While you know it's not true, anytime you lose a loved one it feels like you are the only one who is going through such a loss. Knowing others have experienced the same pain as you and were able to endure helps you get up each day and at least go through the motions. That fog you mention is your body's natural defense to protect you from the stress of the loss of your Poe. I know and dislike that feeling, but it does wane as you are finding now. It just takes time to feel like "normal", whatever normal is for you. But rest assured you will be able to look back and remember your Poe without being sad. Please let us know how you are doing and get well.

Hello,

I can very much sympathize with you. On April 29th I said goodbye to one of my best friends in the world. This pain is unbearable but I've been finding so much comfort in this forum. I wish I had more words for you but just wanted you to know, we're not alone in this struggle. Those beautiful creatures wrap around our hearts so tightly that it feels like they take a part of us with them when they go.

I wish I could say I feel better, but I don't. I can't believe how much it still hurts three weeks later. I assumed that the major pain would be gone by now, not so. I am able to see that I depressed and I see how I'm more sensitive than usual more prone to anxiety, etc. I'm glad I know that because I'm able to not blame myself for not being as emotionally stable as I consider myself to be.

As I go about my daily activities I search out Poe furs and then I start crying when I do. I guess I don't want to feel like he's gone, but rather still a part of my life. i find them everywhere, and I'm not sure what I'll do when I can't find them any more.

A lot of the time I still can't believe he's gone. He was so special to me. He really was kind of a grumpy cat, who occasionally became violent. But I learned how to love him and how not to trigger him, and for me he would melt. It always make me feel so loved when he would be at the vet and when I went to visit him they would warn me about his mood, but as soon as he heard my voice he would come right to me and purr and rub on me and let me kiss him on the head. He was so special. I loved him so deeply.

I'm missing Poe terribly tonight. I know this sounds bad, but I sometimes wish I had never loved him, it hurts so much. I also feel like I have so many things coming up that I want to enjoy that I don't want to be depressed for. I'm going to Ireland this summer to study, which is a life dream, but how can I enjoy it if I'm still grieving? I just want this to be over.

Hi, Suzanne, thank you so very much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to offer you some words of comfort and reassurance that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief. I truly wish there were an easier way to navigate this grief adjustment journey, but unfortunately it is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time, in your own way and in your own time.

One of the many clinical symptoms of grieving is being more emotionally sensitive and not being able to always control your thoughts and feelings. Please know there is no shame in what you sometimes think when you share with us: "I sometimes wish I had never loved him, it hurts so much." - - Your heart is shattered, Suzanne - - and it literally HURTS. The pain - - both emotionally and physically - - can be so overwhelming at times during the very deep grief that we simply do not know how we are going to survive through it.

Your life has been literally turned upside down - - and NOTHING makes any sense right now - - and whatever happiness that does come into your life right now feels meaningless. I promise you, Suzanne, that this is PERFECTLY NORMAL. And I also promise you that it will not always be like this.

Because this grief adjustment journey is fraught with so many different emotions is one of the many reasons why this wonderful forum is here - - for it is vitally important that you know you are NOT alone in your grief journey, Suzanne. There are no judgments made here - - you are among friends who truly DO understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

I am excited for you about your trip to Ireland this summer to study. I know it seems like the last thing on earth that you want to do right now - - but perhaps the change in scenery will help comfort you. And you can go to Ireland with the comfort and confidence that your beloved Poe's sweet Living Spirit is also with you sharing in this new adventure in your earthly journey. You will not be "leaving him behind" - - he is ALWAYS with you wherever you go and whatever you do as you continue your earthly journey. You are now his living legacy reflecting the eternal love you share, and he is cheering you on as you continue to achieve your accomplishments.

I hope today is treating you and your precious James kindly, Suzanne, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Poe's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

It's starting to feel a little like it's just me and James now, which is a blessing. I just want this pain to be over and every little step is a sign that I'm a little further into healing. It seems silly, but I really felt like we were a family, and it really doesn't feel like a family with just me and James. It's really sad with just the two of us.

Hi, Suzanne, thank you so much for sharing with us how you and your precious James are doing. You, your precious James, and your beloved Poe ARE a family - - even though your beloved Poe is no longer physically with you, he is ALWAYS and FOREVER a part of you and your precious James.

I can very much relate to how you're feeling when you share with us: "It's really sad with just the two of us." My precious Noah is a sole survivor in a household that enjoyed the physical presence of 4 precious companions - - including my precious Noah. In his short 10 years of life my precious Noah and I have had to adjust to the physical loss of three of our housemate companions. It is not an easy adjustment to make by any stretch of the imagination - - it is a very painful adjustment both emotionally and physically.

The good news is that you and your precious James have each other to comfort one another - - and your beloved Poe's sweet Living Spirit is with you both as well.

I hope today is treating you and your precious James kindly, Suzanne, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Poe's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Tomorrow I have to drive the route I had to take to bring Poe to the vet. Needless to say, I'm dreading it. I'll just be reliving the whole thing all over again.

The trip there wasn't actually that bad because I thought I was bringing him home eventually. We were singing songs, and he being calm and relaxed. But that route has such painful memories. Merely a month ago I was driving back totally a wreck. I don't want to relive that.

And I have been trying so hard not to feel guilty, but I do. He trusted me, he trusted me to protect him, and I ended his life. I still can't believe this has happened. I'm still in shock.

Hi, Suzanne, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I can so relate to how you're feeling when you share with us: "Tomorrow I have to drive the route I had to take to bring Poe to the vet. Needless to say, I'm dreading it. I'll just be reliving the whole thing all over again. Merely a month ago I was driving back totally a wreck. I don't want to relive that."

For different reasons several years ago I, too, was faced with having to drive a route that was a constant reminder of a very tragic event that literally changed my life physically and emotionally. It isn't easy having to continuously be reminded of a very unhappy event. Perhaps there is another route you could take for awhile - - even if it does take you a few minutes longer to drive to your destination. It is important during the deep grief to try to find ways in our daily routines that will help ease the pain and sorrow - - however briefly that is.

One of the many things you need to remember is that you did everything that is in your human and humane power to give your beloved Poe a happy and healthy earthly journey. Your beloved Poe knows that you would do everything in your power to move heaven and earth to keep him safe, healthy, and happy. I hope and pray that as your travel your grief adjustment journey that your heart will be able to find peace and comfort.

I hope today is treating you and your precious James kindly, Suzanne, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Poe's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Moonbeam -- Thank you so much for your kind words. They are such a comfort.

What I'm struggling with the most now is kind of the lingering feelings of sadness and depression. I don't have any control of my anxiety or anger right now. Everything makes me mad and being out around people is torture. Driving is excruciating, I'm just so sensitive to everything around me. I don't really know what to do with this phase because there doesn't seem to be any thing TO DO. How do you deal with the depression/general sadness?

It's been nearly two months since I was here and for a while I thought I was doing a lot better. Then Ireland happened. Nearly two months after Poe died, I went on my dream trip to take grad classes in Ireland. I thought it had been long enough since Poe's death for me to be in good shape emotionally to handle the stresses of the trip. It ended up being an nightmare and I had to come home early.

I'm kind of a wreck not because I'm missing Poe horribly and now I'm dealing with the emotional aftermath of that awful trip. I still miss him like crazy. I seems like it hurts just as much as it did at the beginning. I just want him here with me. I feel like he took a little part of my heart with him.

Hi, Suzanne, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. First I want to tell you that I am so very sorry that your trip to Ireland turned out to be a horrible disaster for you. I believe the timing is the culprit with it happening so soon after your beloved Poe joined the angels. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief when you share with us: "I seems like it hurts just as much as it did at the beginning. I just want him here with me. I feel like he took a little part of my heart with him."

Yes, your beloved Poe does hold a part of your heart with him in eternal joy - - so that he will have a part of you with him as he patiently waits for your appropriate time to join him in eternal joy. If you can think of it this way: I'm sure you have seen the "broken heart" necklaces - - one piece you keep for yourself and the other piece is held by your closest friend or loved one - - when you are together those pieces fit together as one heart. So it is with you and your beloved Poe. While each of you are temporarily physically separated from one another for awhile, each of you hold each other's heart in trust until you are reunited.

Suzanne, please let me try to reassure you that two months is just the beginning of your grief adjustment journey. It really is way too soon for you to expect yourself to have any kind of consistent control over your emotions. This grief journey is frequently referrred to as a horror roller coaster ride with all the ups and downs, twists and turns and turnarounds. It is important that you focus on taking one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time, and allow yourself the opportunities you need to openly grieve for your beloved Poe. I promise you, Suzanne, that one day you will find the pain in your heart begin to ease, and when this happens, you will be able to smile again when you think of your beloved Poe and all the wonderful treasured memories you share together. Until this day comes for you, please know we are here for you.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Suzanne, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Poe's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam