Hello everyone,

I am a new member of this site, I just registered today. I was given this site on advice of my vet on dealing with the sudden loss of my furbaby yesterday afternoon. I’m a single 35 year old woman, live on my own, and Pepper was the reason I always looked forward to coming home.

Pepper would have been 10 in June. She was a Chihuahua with the sweetest, quietest temperament. No small dog syndrome here. I volunteer with dog rescue and she was one of the lucky ones that came through our group. I didn't choose her, she chose me. She came from a situation where she was bullied by her brother, crated most of her life, and I'm pretty sure she was abused. She spent almost 4 years with me and was the happiest little thing that laughed a lot, smiled a lot and was full of personality and never ceased to make me laugh.

About a week ago, she fell ill and began vomiting. 2 days later, she seemed to be in pain so I brought her to the vet and since I couldn't afford the outrageous bills to run test after test to try to find out what was wrong, I was sent home with some meds to coat her stomach as the vet noticed she was sensitive in her abdominal area, and some special food that would be easy on her system. They also gave her some fluids under the skin as she was dehydrated. Over the next couple days, she seemed to perk up a bit and I was hopeful.

Then, this past Thursday, she fell ill again and started vomiting again. I opted to keep her home a couple days, knowing I couldn't afford the vet bills, in hopes she would come around again on her own. She was congested, she was throwing up, she wasn’t eating and barely drinking. I had stepped out for a short bit on Saturday and upon return, the weirdest feeling came over me. I heard a voice in my head tell me very clearly to go and lay with her. So I did, I laid out all my bath towels to make a bed, got her favorite blanket from the sofa, laid on the floor in the fetal position and tucked her into my chest. This seemed to sooth her as her breathing slowed and I could feel her relax. About 15 minutes later, she began seizuring. I cried and talked to her the whole time, told her it was ok to go, mummy was here and mummy loves her. I cradled her in my arms as she took her last breath.

I opted not to have her ashes returned to me. I feel like it was just her body that I brought to the vet’s, but in fact her spirit will always remain with me. I know guilt is part of the grieving process, but I can’t help it. While the vet did offer to do blood tests when I had her there the first time, the results wouldn’t have been back in time. And even if they were, I couldn’t afford the care anyways. And yet, I still feel guilt. The ‘what if’s’ are a hard part of the grieving process. I’ll never know if she spent her last week in pain. I’ll never know if there was more I could have done to make her comfortable, or even save her.

How does one deal with the guilt?

Hi, Carrie, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Pepper. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. It is so wonderful that your beloved Pepper's transition home to the angels happened in the place she loves the most surrounded by the sights, sounds, and smells - - and the tender embrace of you, her Forever Mom.

Carrie, this grief journey is one of the hardest experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is a journey that is filled with many different emotions that can overwhelm us all at one time. It is a journey that is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. Unfortunately the emotions of guilt / remorse are a part of the grief journey for everyone, and they are two of the hardest grief emotions to reconcile. It is obvious from what you have shared with us that you did everything that was in your power to give your beloved Pepper a happy, healthy earthly journey at all times and in all circumstances. Even if you could have afforded the tests to try to determine the source of her symptoms, these tests sometimes come with a higher price - - the price of the physical and emotional toll the tests take on the physical body and spirit. Instead of subjecting your beloved Pepper to what could have been torture for her, you instead gave her the quality of life she needed and the comfort of knowing that she is eternally loved. I hope and pray that as you travel your grief adjustment journey that this will eventually bring comfort and peace to your heart.

Carrie, this grief journey is one of adjustment to the physical absence of your beloved Pepper, and it is a painful journey both emotionally and physically. It is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time in your own way and in your own time. It is a journey that will not be reconciled in an hour, a day, a week, a month, or even 6 months, - - for you are now on a journey that is filled with all the "first withouts" and the "this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year" to endure. There is no "getting over" or "closure" to the physical loss of a beloved companion, - - for these words imply that eventually you will forget your beloved Pepper. Please let me try to reassure you that you will NEVER forget your beloved Pepper no matter how much time passes as you continue with your earthly journey. Eventually the deep sorrow will ease, and this is normal - - and most importantly, this is what your beloved Pepper wants for you so that you can remember her and hold her close to you with a happy heart.

The good news in the midst of your deep sorrow is that love is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Pepper's sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey as she always has and always will, for she is always and forever in your heart and your memories - - she is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of deep sorrow, Carrie. I can only hope that the words I share with you will somehow be able to offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey. One of the many things you need to remember is that you are not alone. Each of us here do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Thank you so much for sharing your beloved Pepper with us, Carrie. She is adorable, and it is obvious in her eyes and the expression on her face that she knows she is loved. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Carrie, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Cute puppy, that Pepper, for sure. I'm very sorry, Carrie77, to hear of your loss. Unfortunately, guilt seems to comes with the territory; even though we did everything we could do for our Jake, we still lost him and I feel guilty at times about what I didn't do or what I did do that I shouldn't have done, etc., etc. I think we love and miss our precious soulmates so much that we sometimes obsess about the what ifs. The bottom line is that you did everything within your power for Pepper. Remember the bond you shared with her and the great love between you, and look forward to the day when you meet her again forever. My sincerest condolences.

Dear Carrie 77

My heart is sad and my eyes are leaking as I read your story of your dear Pepper. You did exactly the right thing - enveloped her in your loving body, reassured her that you loved her, that it was OK to go home. She felt nothing but comfort and love in the end as is the beginning. Some of our animals are actually special spirits - like the Native Americans' While Buffalo. They come to earth seeking their soul-mate - the one who holds a piece of their soul and the one a piece of whose soul they hold. These amazing animals search the whole universe over until they find their soul-mate and then put themselves in our path so we will meet them. The rush of instant recognition tells the story. People who say they didn't choose their animal friend but their animal mate chose them I think are telling of a soul-mate.

Whoever made the universe decided that our animals lifetimes would be shorter than ours. Meaning we would be put to the ultimate test: to sacrifice all of our happiness and consign ourselves to a lifetime of sadness for the love of our soul-mate. And we pass. And we pay. But as we pay, we cry tears of missing our soul-mate adn we remember all the things our soul-mate taught us - big or small. And he honor them by trying our best to learn and practice the lessons they were sent here to teach us. And most of the time these lessons are HARD but they are exactly what our soul needs to grow.

I ask myself: What would Gretta do? What would Rufus do? And now you can honor Pepper by asking What would Pepper do? ANd every time you do that, Pepper feels a rush of love up when he is - in the Perfect World, where we will all be together someday.

Please keep sharing stories about Pepper and letting us know how you are doing. This is THE BEST site on the net. We're a band of brothers and sisters who share a common ecstacy and a common suffering. We hold each other up and we are there for each other. That's the way we're all going to make it through until we meet our beloved animals again.

Gretta and Rufus's mother.

Hi Carrie77
So sorry to read about Pepper she looks a real sweetie, she knew you loved her as much as you loved her & you did as much as you could possibly do for her when it mattered. Like you I know only too well the feelings of guilt that overwhelms you at a time like this as I did with my sweet gentle Simba, despite having pet insurance but it was my failings as human with a crossed word at him, but it was not meant at him it was I just felt completely helpless that the vet had no cure for what he had only temporary respites then back to square 1, I would have given absolutely anything to stop the discomfort & disease he had even though I felt as though I felt he shut me out in the end but i never ignored his pain because it was mine too. Even if you decide to get another soul in need, like me it is never a replacement for who you have lost but it "is as well as" because each relationship is unique & you have so much love to give. Be assured Carrie you gave Pepper love in bucket loads for which she had been searching & deserved so long for & you did your best for her unconditionally. Dealing with guilt is never easy I should know but I never stopped loving Simba for a minute even though he was with me just under 4 very short years each second being precious, & never will stop loving him not through guilt but because I love him unconditionally.

I am sure she is with you even now the heart breaking part is our inability to see our loved ones & its up to them to let us know by the way the way behaved in their unique way when in the physical form. It happened with me with Simba & acknowledged him when he has done so on a number of occasions even though he has faded slightly the love is still strong, as to confirm our mutual love for each other, hope this happens for you too (hope you dont think I am batty) if does let us know because it gives hope that they knew they appreciated what you did for them to make them feel loved & that even loss of physical form is only temporary to be joined again in the next life. Cannot wait to see Simba again & be by his side for him to order me about in his gentle way.
your not alone Carrie

hugs & prayers
Gravessa