It's been over 3 weeks since I've had to put Esme to sleep, and I still miss her like crazy. I've come to accept that I'm not blame for what happened, and that I did everything humanly possible for her, maybe more so. Every month I still get a bill from the animal hospital that I took her too, and that does pull at my heart everytime I see it; I just have to keep telling myself I didn't fail her even if I second thoughts sometimes. With all of that said and done, I'm now facing a new trial; I noticed last night that my 13 y male cat had a lump on his back. Unlike Esme's, which was located between her eyes, Brutus' is about 1 cm, kind of squishy, is moveable, and doesn't bother him at all even when I touch it. My heart dropped when I found this and I took him immediately to the vet. An aspirate has been done and sent to be tested, but the vet said that it kind of looked fatty to her and that the lump wasn't branching. She told me to think positive and all that did was make me cry (much to my embarassment); how can I think positive when the wound is still fresh from Esme's loss. Although the signs look positive and I don't have that overwhelming sense of dread like I did when I saw Esme's lump, I just can't take it! Every year for the 5 past years I have had to face a new challenge with devastating consequences: removing life support from my grandma; having my grandpa diagnosed with lung cancer a year later then losing him to said cancer a year later; nearly losing my sister after the birth of my nephew; having Esme diagnosed with lymphoma then losing her 7 months later; have I not been tested enough! I just want to move on and try being happy for once, just once. All I can do is pray that the test comes out fine....God let it be fine I'm not ready to mourn again.

Click to view attachment <= Brutus

Click to view attachment <= Esme RIP 3/5/13

Dear AnnieJo,
I have every heart felt sympathies with you its been the same in our family for the past 9 years, 1st my husband's Uncle Frank, 2nd Chunky 5 years later who was a wonderful cat less than a year later after he went with hypothyroidism 3 years ago no 3 was my father in Law, last year I lost both of my parents who were in their mid 60's, we just managed to get through that terrible dark tunnel of grief 4 weeks ago I lost my gentle darling Simba (no4) to Cushing's Disease, 9 days after him my Mum in Law died. Not comparing a human death to an animal death, but like you I have been left feeling as though someone up there is playing some perverse game or meeting out punishment on me by taking those I hold dear because nearly every time a feline member of our family has been struck down with a painful disease a relative has gone too not long after. Got to admit I am a bit angry & upset with Him upstairs because Simba especially was such a gentle beautiful member of our family never deserved such suffering. We are now a sad bereaved family of only 3 -thats it not much more left to sacrifice or take away just lurching mourning from 1 to another beginning to wish I was with Simba not sure I can take anymore. Esme looked a beautiful puss & yes you did your best for her by being their in her hour of need, as does Brutus of course who needs you now & as I tried like mad for Simba you have to use your love for him to fight this lump what ever it is I sincerely hope & pray for you AnnieJo & Brutus that God will be benevolent to you both & give you more precious time together.

Like me your probably left wondering how many more knocks you can take you are not alone I promise, please let us know who your darling Brutus get on
Big Hugs & prayers to you both
Gravessa ***

Hi, AnnieJo, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and what your precious Brutus is going through. Like gravessa, I, too, know what you are going through in terms of multiple losses. One of the many things you need to remember is that you are not alone. God promises that He will not abandon us in our times of need, and one He fulfills this promise is through this wonderful forum.

I am hoping and praying that the results of the aspirate will come back confirming that the growth is benign as your veterinary practitioner has given you a preliminary diagnosis. Thank you also so much for sharing these wonderful pictures of your beloved Esme and your precious Brutus with us. Please know you and your precious Brutus are in my thoughts and prayers, AnnieJo, and please let us know how things go.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Oh Vanessaa and Annie Jo

One Jan 23 I smashed my ankle into fragments while walking my beautiful dog Rufus, a half black lab / half Newfie. We must be on some sort of special "how-much-can-they-take" team. My sister has Stage 4 colon cancer and had horrendous but good-track-record surgery and Johns Hopkins on Feb 1. I was supposed to go out there from half a continent away and be the helper. Missed that. (She is now in horrible shape at the third hospital she's been in - shuffled around by the medical/insurance complex which has become deadly. Had ankle surgery finally on Feb 13 (or thereabouts, can't remember the exact dates, it's all a horrible blur) - 14 pins and two large plates - no weight bearing and in a wheel chair.

Get to Balto on Feb 18. My elderly father had been persuaded to go to Baltimore from October through mid-March ostensibly to avoid the cold northern weather but really to avoid a severely disturbed third sister who has absued him on more than one occasion whilte taking care of him. He had a stroke (the 3 rd of 3) while he was here which left him much weakened and confused - so when it came time for him to return to his home town, it was necessary to scurry around and find a place for him since he could not live by himself - also from half a continent away. That I did (with the grace of God and a couple of people I knew there in that town) - in an "enhanced assisted living" facility - aka a stepped down nursing home. He's unhappy there (naturally) and is waiting for his name to reach the top of a waiting list and another nursing home where he volunteered for many years.

Then a week ago Thursday Rufus's foster mom with whom he was staying while I was with sister - an excellent woman who loves Rufus as much as I do and who has a wonderful piece of rural property for him to run around and play in and another dog for him to play with -called me and said the Rufus had thrown up the previous day and wouldn't eat on Thursday and she had taken him to a local vet who thought there was a palpable mass in the abdomen and slight anemia. I immediately called our vet - the best vet on the planet, bar NONE-who told me the straight skivvy. If an abdominal mass can be felt from the outside it is almost alwyas a tumor on the spleen. Spleen tumors are almost always cancer. And this cancer is not a solid tumor but a vast tangled mas of newly formed blood vesssels. If it spreads, it almost always goes to the right atrium of the heart. This dear doctor, after business hours and 40 miles away, drove my Rufus to the University Small Animal hospital where they did high-rez ultrasound and found all of what he had described. Poor Rufus -he was bleeding so badly into his pericardium that his heart was being compressed. Hearing all this and being peripherally associated with medicine, I knew there was only one choice. To let my baby Rufus die all alone. Nobody to hold his giant head, nobody to stroke his buge velvet ears. nobody to tell him what a GOOD dog he is, no one to tell him how much he is loved. I am heartbroken. My heart is in pieces. Rufus was a rescue dog - just like my previous dog Gretta - a chocolate lab. Gretta and I were a fmily for 4 and a half years. Rufus and I had only 21 short months together. I never dreamed that when I hit the ground on Jan 23 it would be the last time I would see him on this earth.

We really ARE a group living the life of Job - every piece of news is worse than the last - and they come at faster and faster rates. I'm usually the (pardon my language) "bad a**" in most groups of people but all of this has thrown me to the ground and trampled me. A pastor I know told me to PUSH - pray until something happens. Does our group really waht to do this when "what happens" keeps being worse than what's already happened? I'm going for it - I don't know why. Yesterday I asked Rufus to come with me to the hospital where I stayed 24 hours with my sister in the hospital from hell. (Think "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"). I guess we're finding out just how much a human heart can take without actually failing. Shall we call ourselves "The Bravehearts?

Let's pray (or do whatever version you all do) for each other until something DOES go better for one of us.

Thank you for listening to this rant - especially when you have problems much greater than mine.

God bless you, Bravehearts.

Gretta and Rufus's mom