I have been sitting here in my silent empty home thinking about Simba over the last 12 months or so, thinking about could i have done more for him? could i have done better for him? overwhelming feelings of guilt hitting me like a tsunami feeling so damn useless & feeling I may have short changed him in some way when I was the one he depended on & trusted only to fail him & desperately need help reconciling that I did as much as I could for Simba .


The weather was continually very wet & cold (UK) last year so he did not want to go out, apart from supervising my housework in the morning that was really it for the day very boring for us both with only each other for company until my husband came home from work, Simba would occasionally wander out into the garden but these walks became more & more infrequent even at night when i would gladly wait up for him to return which was never more the 10/15 minutes. Days could go by without seeing anyone living in such a rural area, other times my son made the occasional visit home from university he would brighten up only to look depressed & deflated when he left to go back even though i tried to sooth him that at least he still had me . Increasingly any playtime became more & more infrequent he would just either sleep or sit on his own in the hallway for hours on end becoming more unsociable shutting me out when I tried to coax him into the lounge next to the fire to keep warm at least or to greet him as he sat there, at mealtimes finding it more & difficult to crouch down to eat despite me raising his feeding & water bowls up for him to make it easier & getting a low edged gravel tray to use as his litter tray. Simba became even more stressed out going to the vet, it was even commented on by the vet we saw all too regularly my only care being his well being not the the fees- normally he was very quiet even for blood testing but the last time he went for a blood test which confirmed Cushings disease on top of his arthritis & diabetes , the vet had to admit to me he kicked up a fuss (i had noticed Simba looked stressed & drawn from him vet visit which was not him) on his last visit.

As time went on despite the twice daily insulin injections & vetoryl (dog medicine for cushings due to the lack of medication for cats) once a day, Simba was not only withdrawing into himself & shutting me out his beautiful ginger coat was starting to come out in clumps especially at his back end,the medicines seemed only to give a brief respite for him, he seemed depressed & his back legs becoming wasted & difficult to move. Felt bad when I dislocated my knee I was in bed for 2 days only getting to feed him when he asked, hobbling behind him to do so. From October until January I was with him 24/7 with my husband taking him to the vet when she needed to see him or if he needed to go to her, (simply getting down to the floor was impossible for me to give a good ear rub) until i felt safe to go out, & when I did the greetings decreased & when i was trying to get the housework done he lost interest, instead he gave me nagging badgering meows, when he did this I stroked him to try to calm him but that started only to have an increasingly limited effect, just felt as though I could not do right for doing wrong only for me to give him an irritated response which I bitterly regret & tried to apologize to him for by making a fuss of him begging his forgiveness , but that only seemed to go so far for him. I suppose then I came to dreadful realization that the end was coming near & would be cast adrift without my darling Simba. Some days I would be greeted by Simba with a bright feline "hello" in the morning sometimes with indifference but we always made the effort to have our breakfast together even though he increasingly avoided me & my husband at teatime & suppertime, supervising the meal making seemed to become uninteresting to him. The things we did together became a matter of indifference to Simba which hurt me deeply not just for myself but I was hurting for him too as I could not work out sometimes whether it was Simba saying "It's nothing to do with me!" or "You do not want me anymore, I am just a burden, old & in the way as far as you're concerned!" both of which were very far from the truth as far as I was concerned! After Christmas I asked the vet her opinion regarding Simba's health & the increasing lack of quality of life, the decision was discussed to bring the vet to the house to allow Simba to go his happy hunting ground but not to make the dread trip to the vets but to bring her to the house surrounded by his family I owed that much to him in very least, a decision which was not taken lightly,it was about Simba not me even though our world would come crashing down around us, felt as though i was playing god & hated myself for it because he gave so much as part of the family just by being present in our lives everything else was a bonus, my life was wrapped around him the days went so fast when he was here with me but being paralyzed & scared for him would be no help at all.

The weeks before the event where a little busy & Simba looked very indignant at me for having to go out for an hour or so (no more) I did not want to leave him either but I had to but I raced back to be with him as quick as I could. On the night before the 26th February 2013, it was late & I went to bed i could not sleep knowing the vet was due at our home the next day, so I got up & just checked where he was - Simba was in front of the fire warming his back near the fire. When I went in he lifted his head & meowed his lovely hello I acknowledged him & assured him I was just making sure he was okay then returned to bed. We were together just under 4 years since I fell in love with Simba when he was thought to be 8 years + but that did not matter to me & still does not- the lovely large ginger tom who made the sun shine in my world who I could trust without question & made me feel whatever life threw at me his face, his simply being there would make it seem okay & able to deal with, everyone including the vet said I had done everything I possibly could & more so than most people would be bothered with, but what would Simba say to me? Its his reassurance that mattered, I tried to give him my strength & love to fight his illnesses & be there for him, ensured he understood he was not just needed, but wanted & loved. My darling Simba seemed so weary, it took me aback that he so passively accepted the vet putting him to sleep - it was as if "I want to finish it!", I felt as though his pain was my pain & gladly shared the burden if only he would fight it. But my world not just my home is empty without him in this physical world, even the most boring things seemed to liven up with Simba around, now it is worse than ever. I try to feel his presence even though i cannot see or hear him, worried that he is scared by his lack of physical presence. It really distresses me to the point of torture shutting doors thinking that I may shut out his spiritual presence which I have felt occasionally & i have even sought since that dreadful day & that it will upset him into thinking he is not wanted. The local vicar came on another matter to our house yesterday & he very obligingly gave a requested blessing on Simba's life & sweet gentle soul which I was most grateful for. I made it my mantra from the start to try not to have a relationship with him of "what if" or should I have done this , that or the other". My only hope now is that he continues to make his presence felt it is very much his choice, he will always be a part of this family, Simba was was not only needed he was wanted very much so, & has left my husband, & myself & my son with beautiful memories for which we could never end our thankfulness for. Simba is & was a blessing on our home which he made complete & I will work towards the next world hoping he will be there to greet me & hope he will share eternity with us there, & not to think that if there is another cat that they are here to replace him - you cannot replace the irreplaceable, every day is such a very hard struggle without you Simba especially at half past the hour at noon on a Wednesday when you went to sleep from this mortal physical world leaving me behind to spend what seems an eternity before I see you again.
I will always love Simba!!! <3

Dear gravessa,
I am sorry you feel so badly. I was wondering if you might try to reach to Simba through a medium? I find sometimes unanswered questions can best answered by unusual sources. I did chat with a woman on keen.com and it helped me make my decision on the fateful day I had to help Kitty pass. Also, My best friend is a reiki master and had an unusual experience of connecting with my dear Kitty's energy when we were at the vet and later she delivered Kitty's message through chanelling. It gave me great peace.

I know it is hard to let it go, you question yourself and have a lot of what ifs going through your broken heart. Simba would not want you to be so sad. I wish you peace and comfort in this troubling time. I did find some books on Amazon that might help too, one is called Soul Comfort for Cat Lovers. It describes a lot of what you are feeling and validates that you are not alone and some ways you can take steps to coming at peace with the events.

I wish you the best and hope you feel better today (hugs).
j3nny

Dear j3nny
thanks for your reply, I will try your suggestions & get something organized this weekend. Very kind of you to let me know how do this it would mean a great deal to me to able to convey a message to Simba in some way. I was in tears last night for Simba & i definitely felt him paw my left knee which was his trademark for want of a better word, it really meant so much to me that he communicated that to me. i suppose I am beating myself up a bit because i love Simba & just want to make sure he his not scared by his new transformation & he knows that he is loved as well as him still having a place here as part of our family.

I hope you & your cats are starting to find a level of peace at this difficult time day by day.
hugs
gravessa

A few moments ago i was looking for something in the lounge, & I came across Simba's diabetic record book, it really gave me a stab in my heart!!! The record started on the 18/06/12, we fought together so hard to make him feel better. Remembering Simba coming to me when his twice daily injections were due to be given - he did not need a clock, I very rarely had to seek him out to remind him only at the end when he was sleeping so much when I had to disturb his slumber to give him his injection!! It gave me heart that he wanted to fight it & was with him all the way until Cushing's disease took a hold on his increasingly fragile mortal body & seemed to give up, Simba being such a sweet gentle animal made it all the harder & cruel to see him deteriorate in such a cruel way. I still also keep expecting his lovely ginger face wedge its way through the door thats been left ajar for him to join us by the fire for the rest fo the evening, my sinks knowing that will not happen anymore.

I was talking to my husband of the good times too with Simba, such as unusually for a cat he did not mind the rain too much, when he came back into the house I would have his towel ready for a rub down to get the worst of the wet off his ginger fur which i could see he enjoyed because it massaged his back as well as giving him love & attention, I love seeing the pleasure on his face as much as taking care of him, then I would be directed to the kitchen by Simba for a feed before settling down in front of the fire, which he always did anyway after he came from his stroll. Another happy memory my husband recalled was Simba following him to the kitchen garden & whilst my husband was doing some light weeding, Simba would potter around for mice, seeing Simba sitting so still, so patiently before he made a pounce at the mouse or on one occasion finding two young rabbits near the poly tunnel & being fascinated by them only making a token effort to chase them. When my husband & myself had to go out but I knew he may be getting fretful because I felt that need to go home & there he would be sat on the window sill watching down the driveway waiting for us to arrive home & the relief by both Simba & myself that were together again. I just thank the Lord for bringing us together not just for the good times but for bad times as well so I could prove to Simba my unconditional love for him, having the vet helping him pass away with his earthly family around him in at our home was love's greatest sacrifice. I consider no matter how long or hard I live on this earth, I know that as each day that passes it will be a step nearer to being with Simba's sweet gentle soul & that will be joyous day day indeed.

gravessa

Mine and Tom's story had so many parallels with you and Simba. He too would remind it was time for the injections, I suspect because he knew it would make him feel better. He too was starting to have a hard time with his back legs, and losing a lot of fur back there toward the end. He started going down hill when a substitute vet put him under for his teeth cleaning when his BG was dangerously low (I'll never get over that anger; but it's nice to know he's no longer practicing)

But, please don't beat yourself up over having not done enough. You took him to the vet at every opportunity. You tried everything they suggested. And, most importantly, you were there for him when his time came. Not only that, it was at home where he was surrounded by love. By contrast, I could not afford many of the things the vet suggested for Tom, and he ultimately died alone on the bathroom floor while I was at work. I know all too well the guilt of "what if"

But you did everything humanly possible for Simba. You can take pride, and I hope, some comfort in that. I tell you about my feeling of inadequacy in regard to Tom because I truly wanted you to know there is no way you could have done more for Simba. You were and are his forever cat mom. And, I'm sure he looks upon you from the bridge with nothing but love in his heart. Take care.

TTT

Dear Tom's Dad
Thank you very much for your kind words, I have been feeling really numb with the grief knowing there are so many little things around the house that remind us & mean so much, as you know yourself it is so hard reconciling in retrospect what could have been done. Tom looks a well loved puss cat & a credit to you. You too like me obviously love Tom & had so much more to give him.

Simba was found to be diabetic when I had taken him in for his teeth in June '12, to be cleaned after the customary blood test, pre op. Needless to say it was not until between Christmas & New Year before the vet was willing to clean his teeth by which stage they were a mess, appreciated they needed to monitor his diabetes but it seemed too long a time to have it done & dental disease left can cause damage to a cat's internal organs. but for some reason both me & my husband (he only admitted that to me yesterday) had visions of Simba not coming out of the vets alive for some reason, there was still countless blood test because his diabetes was not stabilizing (the last blood test made him look really ill) thats when he was diagnosed with Cushing's disease in October '12. But because of the way he was going down hill, & having seen on the internet what Cushing's did to a cat with projection of approx 12 months & no feline medication only canine, I also felt a little that the surgery were hoping to use him as a case study because 1) It is a very unusual condition in cats & 2) even rarer in male cats - it was just the way the vet was wording things & an underlying gut feeling & as far as we were concerned he is family & you do allow to happen to family! I did feel so paralyzed & useless. We made that heartbreaking decision & to try & make him as comfortable as possible & what he would allow & to continue with his medication. I know it sounds potty but I gathered Simba on my knee, which I sometimes did anyway even though he was never a lap cat that was respected, when he would allow & talked to him about it, but wanted him to understand above all we loved him & he was still consider it his home whatever his form.

After Christmas he seemed to really struggle & the bitterly cold weather & snow did not help either. I was lucky in that I saw a vet who has cats herself & I was insistent that I saw her only, I do think even now seeing & attending Simba was in a day's work but until she came to our home for her final attendance on Simba did she realize how much we all loved him & she had effectively come to break up a family, the vet & the nurse both left in tears themselves. We could never do enough for Simba, he was never spoiled never owned, but given due respect to an important family member as you did with Tom. They do say with our feline friends, if they are not happy, they more than dogs will leave the house. Tom & Simba obviously loved us to stay with us & knew they were loved profoundly, our anger is also part of our love as it our desire to protect the ones we love, if it is some comfort to you Tom's soul & spirit is with you because you not only protected, fed, & love him you also did the best you could for him too as I tried for Simba. My reason for questioning it was the last few months were not how Simba & mine's relationship was normally. Like you it really hurts not just the fact that it ended but events leading up to that end sear our hearts for Tom & Simba. I am confident to you that your darling Tom will send you a rainbow to be with him as I am looking forward to the same from Simba.

hugs
Gravessa