On Tuesday, I had to put my 7-year-old black cat Esme to sleep. She was diagnosed with diabetes a year and nasal lymphoma in July. She completed her first round of chemo in November, but upon being rescanned two weeks ago, we found that the lymphoma had advanced further into her sinus. All was well until late Sunday night when she began to sneeze blood and the mass above her nose started to swell; by Monday, she was unable to breath through her nose and had virtually stopped eating and drinking. Even though she was struggling, she was still Esme; she would do her funny little meow when touched, and would knead my blanket. The hardest part was the night before we put her done, she jumped on my bed and curled herself up in the crook of my arm (something she had never done before). I absolutely broke my heart listening to her trying to breath, but I didn't have the heart to push her away. She was so brave; even at the vet's office on Tuesday she was walking around rubbing all over us before it was time to put her to sleep. Though I lost both of my grandparents to cancer, this pain feels way more intense; all day today I have cried and screamed in grief. I know I mad the right decision, but deep down I still feel guilty. Will the pain ever go away? I feel like my will to live is gone; I wrapped my life around her and getting her better for 6 months I don't know what to do.

My condolences to you, AnnieJo, for the loss of your precious Esme. I lost my best friend, Jake the bulldog, several months ago due to cancer after having tried desperately to save him. Please don't feel guilty; you did everything you could do for Esme and would have her here with you today if you could. She knows that you love her and will wait for your spirits to be reunited. Take comfort in that thought.

Dear AnnieJo

I know exactly what you are going through my dear, Simba had diabetes, Cushings Disease & arthritis, we had had Simba as part of family for just less than 4 years together, & the vet came to put him to sleep last Wednesday. Like you I have had the feelings of guilt not just allowing the vet to do the final deed to which he so passively allowed to happen like a lamb, but left wondering what did I do that may have caused his illness?, what could I have done better for Simba? Did I ignore any of the signs when he needed help? I still keep torturing myself with these questions even though the vet said he was ready & that I had more than most would have done, but that does not seem to have made it much easier I loved Simba so much & had so much more love to give him. Esme sounds like Simba they were more than a pet that was the last thing they were, they a life's companion, someone who loved & was loved by us, someone who you trusted implicitly (with Simba you could even leave meat to defrost & he would never even touch it) someone who was wind beneath your wings no matter what life threw at you, someone who gave you purpose & the reason for getting home as quick as you could to be with them & up in the morning, a blessing on your life, all these things & more & your left hoping that you were doing the same for them & more so. The house here has lost its balance because it was his home as much as ours when we came home no matter how he was feeling he always acknowledged us & we did the same even though in the end he tried to isolate his self which hurt me because I felt he was pushing me away but I knew his illnesses were getting the better of him despite my efforts to encourage him to fight back. The end came far too quickly as I am sure it has done for you with Esme, like being left behind feeling paralyzed & alone, wishing that I could be with him instead of having heart that hurts so much pining, not eating or sleeping properly for the love & friendship that was so strong.

Be assured Annie Jo I know exactly how you are feeling even though each day is a trial wondering if your going to get from one end of it to the other when your in an empty house, & left hoping that they come to you in some form to let you know they understand why we had to stop the pain & that Esme or in my case Simba gives you a familiar signal that they still there for you in the new pain free form as signal of enduring love that cannot be divided because like you I wrapped my life around Simba & you would do anything or give anything that is mortal to have them by our side, just left hoping that they will send a rainbow so we cross it so there is never any separation again.
My heart is with you & I know Esme's love is with you as I hope Simba's is with me even though I have been left so desperate for the slightest whisper of his touch.
Gravessa

AnnieJo,
It seems as though you and I both are having one of the most horrific week of our lives. I had to put my 3 year old yellow lab Millie to sleep Sunday night and I wasnt there for her last breaths. However, I did go visit her to say goodbye and like you, my husband and I keep crying over my sweet little girl! So, unfortunately I know how you are feeling and I am in the same boat as you right now. I can only offer the support of like you, I am hoping the pain goes away but all the good memories stay with me. Right now it does make me happier to believe that my Millie is all whole and healthy and not feeling pain anymore, which gives me some solace. Esme was such a wonderful cat that in her time of need and pain she still wanted to make you feel important. Just look at the love she displayed for you even when she needed yours most at the time and take comfort in that. Trust me the anger will eventually go away and then their will be other emtions of questioning all your decisions you made for her and if it would have given her a longer life. Esme knows you loved her and knows you did everything you could for her! I like you feel still like a shell of myself walking around going to work and doing what I have to. I dont know when that will end and at this point i dont want it to end quite yet. If you can find any animal lover that you can and just talk about her, share your stories of love and awesomeness she had, it helps to have some of the pain go away. If you want talk feel free to send your stories to me or who ever makes it feel a little more comfortable. I know even now as i sit at work my mind wanders to my Millie and the only way I can actually get through the day with no tears, is email my husband the things I loved most about her. Or the random memory that just poped into my head and was so insignificant at the time but brings a smile to my face. I dont know if it will help you but it does help my husband and myself.

Either which way I am truly sorry for you loss and wish you did not have to go through this agony. My thoughts and prayers are with you and Esme! The pain I hope with go away some day and I hope you and I will both just have the great memories of our 4-legged friends that now have become our angels!

Tammysangel

Hi, AnnieJo, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Esme. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

AnnieJo, this grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is a journey that is filled with many different emotions that can overwhelm us all at once - - it is a journey that is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. Clinical professionals now recognize that the physical loss of a companion is as painful, if not more so, as the physical loss of a human family member or friend. When our companions come into our hearts and home, they literally become the center of our universe because they are totally dependent upon us for their every need. When they precede us to the angels, we are then faced with the painful and daunting task of re-defining our lives - - or establising "new normals" that no longer include the care and nurture that our companions needed during their earthly journey. The void in our lives is very painful both emotionally and physically.

The good news in the midst of all this deep sorrow is that the love bond you and your beloved Esme share is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Esme continues to share your earthly journey as she always has and always will. She is always and forever a part of your heart and your memories - - she is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of sorrow that is in your heart. I can only hope and pray that the words I share with you will somehow be able to offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey. One of the many things you need to remember is that you are not alone - - each of us here do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Thank you so much for sharing our beloved Esme with us, AnnieJo. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing a picture(s) of your beloved Esme with us - - but only when / if you want to. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, AnnieJo, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thanks for all the wonderful comments, they have been of great comfort. This is my second full day without Esme and I still miss her terribly. I did finally manage to eat some dinner last night (unfortunately my thoughts strayed back to Esme, and I couldn't finish) and I even found the energy to take a shower. The one thing I have been really struggling with is if pets really do go to heaven; my doubt stems back from my early Sunday school days when the teacher proclaimed that animals did not go to heaven. I know it's a silly doubt, but I still can't help these thoughts: is she okay? were my grandparents their to greet her? will I really see her again?

Esme
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First I'd like to say how sorry I am for your loss as well. Esme was the first pet I ever had to put down, and even though I knew it would end this way, I still wasn't quite ready for it to hurt so much. It gives me peace to know that their are others who are going through what I'm going through and are willing to comfort me even though their suffering too. I miss her terribly, but I like thinking that she is now my angel and with me everyday.

AnnieJo, please accept my sympathies on the loss of your beloved Esme. What a beautiful cat! The first days and weeks in the grief journey are the hardest. That's when the pain is so fresh and it hurts so much to be separated from our beloved companion. AnnieJo, I too have asked myself if animals go to heaven, especially after my Danny boy died over a year ago. A friend of mine gave me the book "Cold Noses at the Pearly Gates" by Gary Kurz to read, and I have read several other books on the subject. I can recommend "There is Eternal Life for Animals" by Niki Berikis Shanahan, "Why We Love Them So" by Father Paul A. Keenan, "Will I See Him Again" by Paul Waldron, "Do Dogs Go To Heaven" by M. Jean Holmes. I would like to comfort you with verse 13 from chapter 5 of the Book of Revelation in the Bible. It states: Then I heard every creature in heaven and on earth and under the earth and on the sea, and all that is in them, singing: "To him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb be praise and honor and glory and power, for ever and ever!"

"Every creature" includes the animals. God did not create anything temporal. I believe animals have souls just like we do. I used to think a cat is "just a cat", but the more I have studied my feline companions (past and present) I could really see how different each one was. They each have their individual preferences, likes, behavior. It would be a cruel joke if these gentle little souls would just disappear into nothing after death. They have feelings just like we do. They are empathic, and they give us so much love, and teach us so many things. I truly believe you will see your sweet Esme again. As my friend moon_beam would say "she is made whole again in the company of the angels". Take heart, AnnieJo, Esme lives on in heaven.

Hugs,
DannysMom

I believe that, if we live good lives and are saved, the Good Lord will reunite us in the afterlife with all of our loved ones, including our precious furry ones.

Thanks for the suggestions, I ran to my bookstore last night and picked up a copy of Cold Noses at the Pearly Gates, I also grabbed another book on dealing with my grief. Your verse gives me comfort even if I have to wait a while to see her. My new dilemma is that now that it's third day since her passing, I still feel bad but the grief is not as overwhelming as it was in the beginning; I was absolutely devastated the the first two days before and after we decided to put her down, but I feel awful that I still don't feel that same level of grief right now. It makes me feel heartless. I know that's not true, but this all so new to me; I've been there for many of my patients while they've died (I've even been the one to have remove life support) and I was there when my grandma died, but this loss was the worst I had ever felt.

Hi, AnnieJo, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please permit me to add my sincerest words of comfort to Jake's Grandpa and DannysMom.

AnnieJo, we live in a physically oriented world governed by the 5 senses of sight, sound, taste, touch, and smell. Every time our companions rub against us and touch us, and kiss / lick us they are literally chemically imprinting themselves on us so that they can identify us from the millions of other people on this planet. When they precede us to the angels, we literally go through a physical withdrawal from this chemical imprint, and it is very painful both physically and emotionally.

I promise you, AnnieJo, that as your deep grief eases that you will NEVER forget your beloved Esme, for she is always and forever a part of you - - she is always and forever a heartbeat close to you. Some people fear that as their deep sorrow eases that they will lose all memory of their beloved companions, so they hold onto their grief. I promise you that as your deep sorrow eases you will NEVER forget your beloved Esme, but rather your heart will be able to be warmed by the many treasured you memories you and your beloved Esme share from her earthly journey with you, and she will be able to continue to share with you all your memories as you continue your earthly journey.

But right now you are traveling a very difficult adjustment journey, and it is hard to reconcile the physical absence you now have from your beloved Esme. Each of us here do understand how difficult this adjustment is, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Thank you so very much for sharing your beloved Esme with us, AnnieJo. She is so beautiful. I hope today is treating you kindly, and that you will have a very peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Esme's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, AnnieJo, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

AnnieJo

Please allow me to add my condolences to the others on the loss of your precious Esme (beautiful picture) I agree with DannysMom that our animal companions do indeed have an eternal soul. I can speak from experience in having had "visits" form my dear Sir Thomas from time to time. I can sense him and so can my remaining fur kids.

That being said, I also agree with moon_beam in that Esme's living spirit will be with you always in your heart and soul. I don't have the eloquent words as some here on LS, but wanted to let you know you are in our thoughts and prayers.

TTT

AnnieJo, I hope you like the book. Gary Kurz has a website with his email address, and you can email him. He is pretty quick in responding. I also liked the book "There is Eternal Life for Animals" by Niki Berikis Shanahan. I got that on Amazon. She gives lots of examples from the Bible and goes back to the original Greek translation and what the words mean. There is another example, from Job 12:10, "In whose hand is the soul of every living thing, and the breath of all mankind."

Please don't beat yourself up over not having the same level of grief now that you had the first two days. The grief journey is different for everyone, and grief sometimes comes in waves and then we get a little rest. You are NOT heartless, and your sweet Esme knows that. What you are feeling is normal. I too have cried more over the loss of my Danny and Tina than over the loss of relatives, and so have many other people on this board. It just shows how much you loved Esme. We get so attached to these little souls. They are so sweet, innocent and gentle. It's small wonder we love them so. I'm very sorry about the loss of your beloved Esme. It brought back painful memories of my Tina when I read your story. Tina had cancer in her lungs, and a few weeks before she died she sneezed up a lot of blood during the night. I remember freaking out when I saw it on the bed in the morning. We feel so helpless when our beloved animal companions suffer and there isn't much we can do about it. AnnieJo, I hope that you will get enough rest in the coming days and weeks. Make sure to take good care of yourself as grief can wear down the immune system.

Hugs,
DannysMom