My dog, Kitty, was a beautiful Cockapoo who turned 16 years old last October. She passed away January 8 while we were away for a destination wedding in Mexico. I feel like I’m in a bad dream, like a zombie and I can’t wake up from it. What made this harder is that Kitty passed away while we were away and was not able to comfort her or be with her during her last hours. It breaks my hurt to think that she was wondering why I left her to die. My family and husband convinced me it would not be a good idea to keep her body waiting for me to say goodbye until we got back on the 17th because they suggested that’s not how I want to remember her. I decided to have her body cremated and I also have a clay cast of her left and right front paw print. When we got back I saw on her certificate that she was cremated on January 11th, on our wedding day. I get aches when I think about this.

We left Kitty (and our other 2 year old dog, Archie) at the dog camp January 5 (we left for the trip January 6). She stopped eating and became lethargic two days later. I would like to think the kennel people took her to the emergency clinic in enough time and had they taken her earlier I wonder if she could have been saved. When we dropped them off at the camp, I didn’t get to properly say goodbye. I didn’t hug, pet or kiss her one last time as I thought it may stress her (and Archie), so we dropped them off quickly. Thinking back to this pains me to the worst feeling I have ever felt in my life. The last touch with her was when I was encouraging/guiding her into the dog field with my leg, which makes me feel even worse. She needs a little push to be guided to where to go, as her eyesight and hearing were not great.
The kennel called on the Tuesday the 8th asking to call back asap and my heart dropped and I was in denial. When I got the voicemail, my husband Eric and I had just finished going over some last wedding details. I called the kennel person and she told me Kitty had stopped eating and she was at the emergency vet with kidney failure. I knew at this point that it didn’t look good. She also had a slow heart rate and blue gums. She had vomited as well. I was not aware of how sick she was before we left. I did not know she had a kidney disease problem. Although I had noticed that she was skin and bones and had slowed down in the last months, she had always looked for food around the house and had a good appetite, even in the week and days before we left for vacation. Maybe I was in denial and knew it was coming but I didn’t want to accept it. It looks like the end point to her illnesses came on quickly. Her last senior blood work was last May and the emergency vet (whom Kitty saw in her last day) said the bloodwork in May showed signs of early kidney disease, however in May, her regular vet did not take the slightly elevated value seriously and when I talked to him recently, he said that it wasn’t a serious result. I suppose in May it was a very early stage in the disease and she developed this in the last 6 months. She also had Cushings disease. She was diagnosed with this in January 2011 and has been on meds called Lysodren. I stopped these meds last July, to my ignorance, without consulting the vet, as I also felt guilty giving her this powerful chemotherapy-like medication called Lysodren. The emergency vet and another vet told me that it was actually a good thing that I stopped giving her this medication for her Cushings, so that comforted me a little. I stopped the meds because her symptoms of drinking and peeing a lot (she has been wearing diapers for the last 2 years) and ravenous appetite were still there, and these were symptoms the drug was supposed to help with... and she was losing weight. Her regular vet looked at her chart and in his opinion, she had multiple organ failure due to her age. I feel guilty for not doing bloodwork sooner. He said that even if we did bloodwork in October or November, and that even though a disease was caught, I may have had to make a decision to put her down. He explained it to me as: Yes, you can prolong LIFE, however at the same time, you can be prolonging SUFFERING. Her regular vet and emergency vet were compassionate for me and told me I did everything I could do for her in her life. This comforts me for a moment, then my mind starts the negative guilt process again and I am convinced its my fault she passed away. I still can’t believe she is gone.

For the next two days after she passed, I couldn't leave my hotel room or talk to anyone. We had cousins and aunts and uncles that travelled to be there for our wedding. Our parents convinced us to not cancel the wedding for these reasons. I pulled myself together and we got married on the Friday 11th. Looking back, I can’t think of the beautiful wedding or the support and love my family showed for us. I can just picture Kitty suffering and leaving without me, without her mum around, never being able to see her again. I did not enjoy the vacation out of respect for her and because I was very sad. To this day, I still can’t believe it has happened this way. I wanted to go back home after the wedding day but proved to be difficult without paying to change our flights. A resort is no proper place to grieve. It was horrible.

I think to myself now, seeing her ill, why did I not say a proper goodbye at the camp or why didn't I postpone the wedding? Was I in denial? Did she notice I was gone and thought I abandoned her and thus gave up on her life? Is this how Kitty wanted it? Maybe she didn't want me to see her suffer? Of all the days, how could I be 3 days off? I wish we had cancelled the wedding/vacation. These are questions I ask myself and I am tortured. Mainly because I thought I would see her when I got back and am sad that she died without me, but with strangers (although I am told they comforted her). This is not what she deserved and I failed her.

I know this is a long post, but thank you for reading and caring.

Hi, Pook, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Kitty. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Pook, this grief journey is one of the most difficult experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is filled with many different emotions that can overwhelm us all at one time - - it is a journey that is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. Unfortunately guilt / remorse are two of the many emotions that we all go through during the deep grief, and they are two of the emotions that can be the hardest to reconcile.

From what you have shared with us, Pook, there is no doubt in my mind - - and in the mind of your beloved Kitty's veterinary care providers - - that you did everything in your power to give your beloved Kitty a happy, healthy earthly journey. Sadly our beloved companions' physical bodies are similar to ours - - they are not designed for immortality on this side of eternity. Your beloved Kitty had many multiple health challenges with each one taking their own toll on her sweet phycial body. Your primary veterinary care provider is so very right when he counsels you: "Yes, you can prolong LIFE, however at the same time, you can be prolonging SUFFERING."

Pook, this grief journey is one of adjustment to the physical absence of your beloved Kitty, and it is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time in your own way and in your own time. It is a journey that cannot be reconciled in an hour, a day, a week, a month or even 6 months for you are now on a journey that is filled with all the "first withouts" (first holiday, first birthday, first vacation, first day, first week, first month, etc., ) and all the "this time last week, last month, last year" to endure. One of the many things you need to remember is that you are not alone in your grief journey. Each of us here do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Even though you were hundreds of miles away from your beloved Kitty when she transitioned home to the angels, she was never without your enduring love - - for love is eternal, Pook - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. The good news in the midst of your deep sorrow is that your beloved Kitty's sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey as she always has and always will. Your beloved Kitty is always and forever a part of you, Pook - - she is always and forever in your heart and memories - - she is always and forever a heartbeat close to you. Nothing in heaven or on earth can ever take your beloved Kitty's sweet Living Spirit away from you.

I know there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of sorrow that is in your heart. I can only hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so much for sharing your beloved Kitty with us, Pook, and the wonderful picture of your sweet adorable girl. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Pook, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hey Pook83,

I am so sorry about your loss.
She is a beautiful little girl and now she is a beautiful little angel watching over you.
It is very hard to lose our little fury babies but with time it will get a little easier, I promise.
This web site definitely helps to cope with your loss and you have all of us, people who understand exactly what you are going through, to talk to.

Kitty, I hope you a my boy Gizy become good friends. He is a tiny little munchkin just like you.

Best wishes to you Pook83.

Hug,

Gizy's mom

Dear Pook83,

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet girl Kitty. She is so pretty. You are so blessed to have had her for all those years, but it does not make it any easier to lose her.

This grief journey does get a little easier in time, but I still have my teary days. I lost my little boy Mickey 2 years ago next month. I bet Kitty and Mickey will become friends too.

Congratulations on your marriage.....God Bless you and your husband.

((((HUGS))))

LoveMyMickey

Thanks for everyone's support. I can't help but feel so heartbroken that I wasn't there to comfort her and tell her it's going to be ok. It pains me to think that she thought it was ok to die now because maybe she thought I abandoned her. Was I to cancel the trip and wedding and let our family down? I did not know she was so sick. Now I wish I flew back as soon as I found out she passed away. I don't know how I am going to overcome this. I still can't believe it has happened this way. I didn't get to say goodbye...

Hi, Pook, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to offer you some comfort in your deep sorrow.

Pook, it isn't necessary for you to say "goodbye" to your beloved Kitty - - because your beloved Kitty's sweet Living Spirit is forever with you. I do understand how difficult adjusting to the transition can be, for we live in a physically oriented world governed by the five senses of sight, sound, taste, touch, and smell. We are conditioned in our education and daily routines that what cannot be defined by the physical laws does not exist. But this is not true - - for there is more to our lives and what brings meaning to our lives beyond the five physical senses - - love, hope, faith, trust, peace. None of these can be measured by the laws of physical existence - - yet without them we cannot live a truly meaningful life.

You never have to say "goodbye" to your beloved Kitty, and you never need to fear that she thought you had abandoned her. Our companions are far wiser than we mere mortals are - - this is one of the many reasons why they touch our lives so deeply.

But I know words of comfort and encouragement can seem very empty when our hearts are veiled in deepest sorrow. I know from first hand experience how difficult the transition journey is to adjusting our lives to the physical absence of our beloved companions. But I promise you, Pook, that eventually in your own way and in your own time your deepest sorrow will ease, and you will be able to feel the warmth of your and your beloved Kitty's eternal love in your heart. And perhaps in time you will be comforted in knowing that your beloved Pook's sweet Living Spirit was with you and your husband sharing the celebration of your wedding.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Pook, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Kitty's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Pook, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thank you everyone for your healing words. I am so grateful for having this site and the caring people who post on here. I am feeling a little better these days. Up until about two weeks ago I had no appetite and was tired all the time. I would cry during my whole commute to and from work. It is easier to get up in the morning, and it is becoming easier to look at my wedding pictures and look back and see how it was a beautiful wedding, however I still am reminded of my baby girl Kitty and become sad and miss her since she passed while I was away (I feel selfish). I wish she could be a part of this new era of our life. I still think about her every day. We had a memorial for Kitty with family members on January 31st, and that brought me some peace.

I am finding it easier to to laugh out loud and smile... is this normal? When I do feel happy, I think of her, however then I feel as if I shouldn't be so happy out of respect for her. Also, I am coming around to our other dog Archie (2 year old male cockapoo) who looks similar to Kitty. I felt a little bit of resentment towards him after Kitty passed away, because I felt as if he took away a lot of my attention away from her since he was a puppy, however that was my fault, not hers....but now I am letting him help me heal. Archie would not have the same happy personality if it weren't for Kitty taking a part in raising him since he was a puppy. I attached a picture of Kitty with Archie as a young puppy. Thank you for reading.

Pookie

Hi, Pookie, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and for this wonderful picture of your beloved Kitty with her little brother Archie. They look so happy together.

Pookie, please permit to offer you some reassurance that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief when you share with us: "I am feeling a little better these days. Up until about two weeks ago I had no appetite and was tired all the time. I would cry during my whole commute to and from work. It is easier to get up in the morning, and it is becoming easier to look at my wedding pictures and look back and see how it was a beautiful wedding, however I still am reminded of my baby girl Kitty and become sad and miss her since she passed while I was away (I feel selfish). I wish she could be a part of this new era of our life. I still think about her every day. I am finding it easier to to laugh out loud and smile... is this normal? When I do feel happy, I think of her, however then I feel as if I shouldn't be so happy out of respect for her. Also, I am coming around to our other dog Archie (2 year old male cockapoo) who looks similar to Kitty. I felt a little bit of resentment towards him after Kitty passed away, because I felt as if he took away a lot of my attention away from her since he was a puppy, however that was my fault, not hers....but now I am letting him help me heal."

Some people do find it hurtful when they begin to have better moments / days after the physical loss of a beloved companion. Please let me try to reassure you that this is what your beloved Kitty wants for you - - she wants you to remember the joy of your wedding, and she wants you to be able to enjoy her little brother Archie. Some people fear that when the deep sorrow begins to ease in their hearts that this means they will forget their beloved companion. Please let me try to reassure you that you will NEVER be able to forget your beloved Kitty - - for she is always and forever a part of you, Pookie. Her sweet Living Spirit is always and forever sharing your earthly journey now as she always has and always will - - just differently. She is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

And rest assured that your beloved Kitty's sweet Living Spirit is gently guiding her little brother Archie as he continues to grow and mature into his own sweet precious Spirit.

Pookie, this grief adjustment journey is not a straight line from A to Z, but rather one of ups and downs and twists and turns and turnarounds. Please know that we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us to share your good days, the not so good days, and the days when it seems your heart has more sorrow than it can bear. There are no expiration dates here for sharing with us what is in your heart and on your mind, Pookie.

Thank you again so much for sharing your treasured memories of your beloved Kitty with us. What a sweet little girl she is. I hope today is treating you and your precious Archie kindly, Pookie, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Kitty's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Pookie, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to reply to my posts. Last Monday (April 8th) was the 3 month anniversary of when Kitty became an angel. Driving on a country road to work that day, something made me look left to the other side of the road. I noticed a squirrel on that side running towards the road to cross it so I slowed down and anticipated it crossing the road. I slowed down enough for it to escape and cross safely to the other side back into the woods. I would like to think that the squirrel had some of Kitty reincarnated in it, and I was able to spare it, to give it a second chance at life. It was Kitty's spirit guiding me!!! I wonder if it is odd that I am comforted by this thought.

I am slowly getting back my regular self. However, I am still not able to get back to exercising,enjoying music. I am getting back into contact with my friends and able to open up to her little brother, Archie. Kitty did play a part in raising Archie and I should appreciate that as a connection that brings me closer to her. I look forward to dreams where she is present (going for a walk, cuddling)... I actually awake from these dreams content because I was able to be with her, even if only for a moment.
I am amazed at how sometimes when I think about her I shed tears, then a few moments later I can be O.K.. I will think about her everyday, she will always the baby girl a part of my heart. I have learned so much about life from her: true unconditional life, compassion, patience, empathy, and selflessness . Thanks for reading.
Kitty, I will love and miss you forever.

Sincerely,

Pookie

Hi, Pookie, thank you so much for sharing with us your and your beloved Kitty's 3-month angel-versary. There is no doubt in my mind that your beloved Kitty's sweet Living Spirit is guiding you each moment of every day in what you do and how you feel.

Please let me try to reassure you that what you are experiencing is very normal when you share with us: "I am slowly getting back my regular self. However, I am still not able to get back to exercising,enjoying music. I am getting back into contact with my friends and able to open up to her little brother, Archie. I am amazed at how sometimes when I think about her I shed tears, then a few moments later I can be O.K.." This grief adjustment journey is not a straight-line from A-Z, but rather is one that can only be traveled one day at a time that can have many twists and turns, ups and downs, and turn-arounds. The good news is that your beloved Kitty's sweet Living Spirit is with you sharing every moment of every hour of every day with you as you continue your earthly journey as she always has and always will.

Thank you again for sharing your beloved Kitty with us. She is a sweet little girl, and it is obvious in the expression in her eyes on her face that she knows she is eternally loved by you - - her Forever Mom. I hope today is treating you kindly, Pookie, and that you will have a very peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Kitty's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam