Hi,

I didn't know where else to go... It's been a really tough week and I don't know how to deal with the loss..

We lost our darling little ragdoll Cocoa to colon cancer. It's so devastating. I know I have to be strong for her brother, Crash, but I can't get over losing her.

We were away for a few days and kept them at a kitty hotel and when we got back she barely ate anything. I had to smear wet cat food on my fingers and only then she would slowly lick away at my fingers. My fiance and I were concerned and took her to the vet. Little did we know at the time that it would be her last few days with us and we would never see her again.

The vet thought that she must have eaten a glove or a toy. They kept her over night for 2 days, gave her laxatives, and she had x-rays done but there was no improvement. So they operated on her and found out her large intestine was blocked by a huge tumour. She couldn't use the litter box and the waste kept building up inside her. The cancer had spread to her liver, lymph nodes, had completely blocked her lower intestines and was going to hit her spinal cord. It was already starting to effect her gait - every time she tried to turn she would fall over. It broke our hearts to see her that way. The tumour was bigger than a golf ball and she kept losing weight and got so small - she could almost fit in the palm of my hand!

Her intestine was supposed to be a little thinner than the width of a pinky finger but because the tumour was blocking it, it had swollen up to the size of 3 fingers. A kitten shouldn't have to go through all this! Apparently she had it from birth. We didn't even know she was in pain... She never showed it. We had taken her to the vet 4 times just worrying about how little she was eating and her stunted growth, we chalked it off as gender. The vet said that if we had caught it earlier, which would have been unlikely, her little body would not have been able to handle the procedure. We had grown so attached to them even though we've only had them since August, they're our little kids and mean the world to us. We couldn't stand to see her in pain and made the heart breaking decision to euthanize our precious little baby girl on Jan 18. I havent' stopped crying since we lost her. I keep telling myself that she isn't in pain anymore but I miss her so much and I don't know how to deal with her loss.

Poor little Crash misses her too - he keeps looking for her, crooing for her like a mother cat would her lost kittens, he keeps eating from his bowl from an angle like he's expecting Cocoa to butt in and eat and when she doesn't show up, he checks the litter box, the travel case, etc. It's heart breaking! I feel selfish that I'm grieving and I try my best not to cry in front of Crash, when he's awake, we make sure to shower him with all the love and attention in the world and keep him busy and help him deal with the loss. They were so close and never left each others side. He seems to be doing a little better. Much better than I am for sure.

I want to get another kitten but Cocoa is irreplaceable. I can't believe she's gone. I keep hoping that it's all been a bad dream and I'll wake up and find her playing around. I miss hearing her meow, I miss how she cuddled by my neck and purr in my face to wake me up to feed her, I miss being greeted by those big blue eyes every morning, I miss her sleeping on my chest at night, I miss watching her play with Crash and I miss her following me around, I miss her grooming me when I was sad, and head butting my legs till I picked her up and petted her. I don't understand how I will ever be able to get over this little ragdoll who was with us for almost 5 months, but seemed to have been with us forever.

I read that talking about it helps, I hope it eventually does help me heal... but so far it just makes me weep....

Hi, Lynx, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Cocoa. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfullness in the company of the angels.

Lynx, this grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. There are so many different emotions that can overwhelm us all at one time - - this grief journey is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride.

There is no doubt from what you have shared with us that you and your fiance did everything in your power to give your beloved Cocoa a happy, healthy earthly journey. Cancer is a very insidious illness, and the symptoms usually do not manifest until the disease has taken well control of the body. Our companions are very adept at disguisng how they are feeling - - it is a genetic trait they inherit from their wild cousins - - for any sign of weakness, illness, injury makes them vulnerable and easy prey. Of course this is very little comfort to us - - their human caregivers.

I can so understand how broken your heart is, and how broken your precious Crash's heart is as well. My heart swells with joy as I share your memories: "They were so close and never left each others side." You and you fiance are doing the very best to help comfort your little boy. Please do not be concerned about crying in front of him - - he needs to share your sorrow as much as you need to share his.

Lynx, there really is no way in heaven or on earth that you will ever be able to "get over" the physical absence of your beloved Cocoa. This grief journey is one of adjustment to her physical absence, and it is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time in your own way and in your own time. Clinical professionals recognize that the grief journey for the physical loss of a beloved companion is as painful, if not more so, as the physical loss of a human family member or friend. It is a journey that cannot be reconciled in an hour, a day, a week, a month or even 6 months - - for you are now on a journey that includes all the "first withouts" (the first hour, first day, first week, first month, first holiday, first vacation, etc.,) and the "this time yesterday, last week, last month," to endure. And because your beloved Cocoa's earthly journey was so very brief - - you are also faced with the during the painful "what should have been."

The good news in the midst of all this pain is that the love bond you and your beloved Cocoa share is eternal. It is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Cocoa's sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey as she always has and always will - - for your beloved Cocoa is always and forever a part of your heart and your memories, Lynx - - she is always and forever a heartbeat close to you. Eventually, the deep sorrow in your heart will ease, but I promise you will never ever forget your beloved Cocoa.

I know there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of sorrow that is in your heart. I can only hope and pray that the words I share with you will somehow offer you some measure of comfort, support, enouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey. One of the many things you need to remember is that you are not alone in your journey. Each of us here do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Thank you so very much for sharing your beloved Cocoa with us, Lynx, and the wonderful pictures of her with her brother Crash. What sweet little companions they are. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Lynx, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Lynx,

I am so sorry about your loss. What a beautiful kitty she is!
I know how heart breaking it is not to have her around. I lost my baby boy Gizy a month and 15 days ago and I still can't believe it.
All I can say is this forum definitely helps, here you will meet people who truly understand what you are going through.
I read your post and I can't stop crying. I feel this deep genuine pain you are in. Daring, it will get a little easier for you. Give all your love to Crash, he is a sweetie.

Wish you all the best,

Gizy's Mom

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful words, moon_beam & Gizy's Mom.

Your replies touched me. Your stories about your beloved pets brought tears to my eyes.

Moon_beam, how is precious Noah doing?! I hope all went well with the surgery.

Gizy's Mom, I'm terribly sorry to hear about your little boy. That is so heart breaking. My heart goes out to you. I find that what you are doing is inspirational and love that you've made donations in Gizy's name. I like the idea of naming stars after our little munchkins.

I still can't bring myself to go through Cocoa's things. We just moved and I found her collar and it was devastating. It's hard to believe that things could get easier, but I'm taking it one day at a time.

Thank you once again for your warm replies. Hugs to you both.

Lynxox

Lynx, your story was so hard to read. Cocoa is a beautiful little kitten and so is her brother Crash. They look so happy together in that picture. It looks like he was the "big brother" who took care of her. I'm sure he misses her very much. My heart goes out to you and Crash. Like moon_beam said cats are so adept at hiding their pains and illnesses that we often miss the symptoms. I am sorry that you only had your sweet Cocoa for a little while, but I know that in that short period of time she was happy with you and brought you much joy.

Hugs,
DannysMom

Hi, Lynx, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing and these wonderful pictures of your beloved Cocoa with her loving brother Crash. I can so understand how shattering it was for you to come across Cocoa's collar - - for awhile everything will feel like a sword piercing your heart, but I promise you it will not always be like this. There will always be a part in your heart that will miss your beloved Cocoa regardless of how much time you continue in your earthly journey, but I promise you the deep seering pain will ease.

Thank you for asking about my precious Noah. He continues to do very well since his medical crisis 4 months ago. I thank God every day for giving us more time together, particularly since he is my sole surviving companion in a home that has endured the physical loss of each of his housemates through his short 9 years of life.

I hope today is treating you, your fiance, and your precious Crash kindly, Lynx, and that you will have a very peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Cocoa's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam