To all LS members,
In the autumn of 2001, Penguin Books Canada published a book called The Last Guide, the story of then 67 year old Frank Kuiack, the last full time guide still working in Algonquin Park, Canada. I cannot even begin to describe the wonderful stories and the pure love of nature revealed in this tale. On October 10th 2004 the Ottawa Citizen newspaper featured a full 2 page essay "Encore for the Last Guide"
After the publication of The Last Guide, Frank received calls from National Geographic, Outside Magazine and Discovery Magazine and so he began bringing photographers into the interior of Algonquin Park. They wanted to film baby loons? he could get them sitting on his hands. Bull moose? he could call them right to the spot where the camera was focused.
This essay went on to tell us about Marie, Frank's wife, now confined to a nursing home in Cornwall Ontario, a very long distance from the Park. Marie has had nine minor strokes since her heart attack just before Christmas last year. The doctors have no idea what is keeping her alive. She can no longer talk, has no bladder control and is oblivious most days to anyone in the room. Frank wanted to look after her at home until the end but the doctors told him " You can't do it Frank. There are some things you just can't do. It's not a matter of will"
Frank who beleives everything is a matter of will could not accept it. He fought with the doctor, fought with his children- he and Marie raised 13- but in the end it was Marie who told him she should go. Now Frank visits whenever he can and I quote:
" She doesn't recognize him all the time now, but he doesn't mind sitting in her room. Sometimes he will read to her... sometimes it will be the chapters of The Last Guide. On the final page is a poem she always liked by an American poet named Raymond Carver, apparently the last poem he ever wrote when he was dying of cancer. He has the poem memorized:
AND DID YOU GET WHAT
YOU WANTED FROM THIS LIFE, EVEN SO?
I DID.
AND WHAT DID YOU WANT?
TO CALL MYSELF BELOVED, TO FEEL MYSELF
BELOVED ON THE EARTH.

Since becoming a member of LS at the beginning of October, I have noticed many common threads in the posts.
No matter how long our pets grace us with their earthly presence, it is NEVER long enough.
If our pets have to pre-decease us, we all wish they could pass naturally and painlessly without the need for us to make life or death decisions.
And yet if they do pass naturally, they will often do so alone because that is their nature, and then we feel immense guilt at not being there with them, and could we have done more?
Presented with life threatening situations, we sometimes opt for heroic medical intervention and then we again feel guilt wondering if we caused them needless pain in order to keep them with us a little bit longer.
It sounds like a no win situation- damned if we do and damned if we don't.
The grieving process is painful enough without burdening ourselves with all this guilt!
We must remember, no matter how long their earthly existence, and no matter the cir%%stance of their passing, the most important thing - they have felt beloved on this earth!
Every single pet who has been mourned and eulogized on this site has been beloved, of that I am 100% sure.

Nicole

Nicole,
thank you so much for sharing that story. It was beautiful. I am having a really hard time, and I am so grateful for all of you here. I just miss my best friend so much! I am feeling a lot of guilt and anger(at myself, even the docs sometimes), but I have found a wonderful support system in all of you. I know I will never be the same without my Cassie angel! I love her and miss her so much! Thank you for listening and thank you for being there!
Christina

Hi Nicole:

Good EARLY morning!!!

Thank you very, very much for your recent post, dated 11/1/2004 @ 11:01pm.

You are so very right Nicole.................All of our sweet, precious "Creatures of God"...........(I say occasionally, so that everyone knows that I mean "furkids".........Cats and Dogs............... And, as well............ "God's other beautiful creatures..............Those who have "wings", are "scaly", have "fins", little "rodent-types", etc...., etc....

My birthday is coming up,and as a treat for myself.............I shall purchase the wonderful book that you recommend..... "The Last Guide" by Frank Kuiack . Thank you sooooooooo very much for sharing what seems
to be such a precious book!!!

The poem that you quoted Nicole, from Raymond Carver...............was that the complete poem????

Your quote..............

To tell you the truth, I read this poem three times over the past hour, and it surely seems quite complete - to me....
At my first reading..........I thought, "It's short...........there must be something missing....

But, I don't think that there is...

Nicole, I think that this beautiful, wonderful poem is as complete as it need be.....
Perfect JUST THE WAY IT IS!!!

AND, A MILLION TIMES OVER............I THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH FOR SHARING!!!!!!!

I agree...............

Your quote.....

Personally Nicole, I do thank you for that quote..........

Yes, in a lot of our posts, we do share many, many common threads!

And, you are correct.......... No matter how long are beloved "babies" grace us with their earthly presence.....of course, it's never, ever long enough..................

In my specific case, with our special girl Ernestine..............I do feel extremely happy that we got to share [I]TWO MONTHS SHY OF TWENTY YEARS OLD, WITH OUR BEAUTIFUL GIRL.... [/I]

What precious, precious, beloved gift that God gave us!!!!

FOREVER & EVER, WE WILL ALWAYS BE GRATEFUL...............
And, we do know that Ernestine LED US to the furbabies that we adopted on March 6, 2004.. (just one month after our sweet, beloved girl was put to sleep!)....

Ernestine was a tortoiseshell calico, as is our darling Ms. Lucy; Ernestine had a lots more white coloring... Lucy is much more black...

In a room full of approximately 20+ adult furcats....for some reason.........I MADE A QUICK BEE-LINE TO A PERCH, THAT WAS ON ONE OF SEVERAL "KITTY TREE-HOUSES" IN THIS ROOM..............

And, the woman that was showing us around, said, "Oh, that's Lucy"...........
I hardly "heard the women"..........Lucy was purring soo loudly.... I'm sure that her "motor" was installed at the "Hummer Factory".
THERE WAS NOT ANY QUESTION IN MY OR BEN'S HEART.......MS. LUCY HAD ADOPTED "ME"!!!

Deep within our hearts, BEN AND I KNOW THAT ERNESTINE DID LEAD US TO OUR SWEET GIRL, WHO WAS GOING TO BE OUR BRAND NEW "FURDAUGHTER".....

And, within 5 minutes, Ben had chosed his new "furkitty son"......... A beautiful "Russian Blue" ??Mix... We're still not sure........althout "Mr. Yoster" is a wonderful, sweet, beautifully tempered son....


You know...............I tend to ramble ON & ON, when I should just stick to the "subject", but it seems I just have
so much to say...............
Whether it is important to anyone at all...........it seems to be important to me........

You did make a comment/quote about our furkids passing naturally.............which is what I had always prayed for
our Ernestine............
THAT SHE GO TO SLEEP, QUIETLY AND PAINLESSLY, AT NIGHT..............

But, that was not to be....
And, not only our vet at the time.........but a few others have told me that "It's very, very unusual for our furkids to
pass away 'on their own'".

Often, they do need some intervention.....

I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT...........OUR SWEET ERNESTINE NEEDED SOME HELP IN GOING TO RAINBOW'S BRIDGE........

AND, IF ONE OF OUR PRESENT FURKIDS (Ms. Lucy or Mr. Yoster), need help at some point in the future, to get to the Other Side.... We will surely do that for them....... There is no question in our minds or hearts....

****Please, if you have just lost your precious furbaby, and are struggling, please read this....****


When I was a NEW LIGHTNING-STRIKE MEMBER, and Ben and I just had our sweet Ernestine put to sleep, I tell you............
Honestly, I did not know what to do with myself.............
I felt like running, but I didn't know where to go......

My mind was racing.........
And, so many parts of my body hurt.............

From my head (migraines), couldn't eat, couldn't sleep............severe chest pain like someone was taking a serrated knife and plunging it in and out.............
I couldn't breathe. NOTHING IN THIS ENTIRE WORLD MADE SENSE TO ME, MY FRIENDS....ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!
Honestly, I really, really felt as if I was out of my mind......

To this day, today, I THANK THE PERSON WHO WROTE TO ME..............
(I "have a feeling" that I know who this person is..........and, it's between "two women"....)
I am sure that THEY KNOW WHO THEY ARE.........


But, they wrote to me.......

*****"DENISE, YOU TOOK ON ERNESTINE'S PAIN, (BY HAVING HER PUT TO SLEEP), SO THAT SHE....COULD BE WITHOUT PAIN"*****...

Yes, it is a statement that seems SIMPLE ENOUGH..........but, it's a statement that says so much...
IT SAYS ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING ----- AND IT ASSURES US THAT, WHAT WE DID WAS MORE THAN OKAY!!!!

We know that Ernestine is up at Rainbow's Bridge, and she is in the BEST COMPANY........and, as I have shared with a friend on this site........."our kids are having A BLAST....."

You know.............ALL OF OUR KIDS ARE HAVING A WONDERFUL TIME...............

They will all be perfectly fine at Rainbow's Bridge, and I believe, under the watchful eye and loving arms of St. Francis.

Goodnight and God Bless All of You.................

Love, Denise, Ben, Ms. Lucy and Mr. Yoster xo

Nicole,

Thank you for sharing that beautiful summary and the recommendation of a good book. As you said, we do all share a common thread here, and I Thank God for finding all of you here.

Denise, like you, I was SO, SO comforted by that statement:

In fact, Denise, it was in your reply that I first read those words when I first posted in here. You are SO right! NOTHING made sense to me then, and I questioned every decision I made for her that day. However, that one statement made ALL the sense in the world to me. I cried for hours after reading that and started to forgive myself. That made what I did seem SO much nicer than what I was telling myself in my mind at that time.
Of course, I know someone else first told you that, and I have read other people's replies that state that too. However, I think that is the ONE important comfort that should be expressed to anybody that had to make a decision to end their furbaby's suffering.
Nicole, you are so right, though. Pain and grief is SO painful already without beating ourselves up with all the guilt too. I am grateful that I have now reached the point where I know we gave Rachael the VERY BEST life she could have ever asked for, and take comfort in that. Even though her time here was not enough to us, we are grateful to have had it. I will NEVER EVER forget her or stop hurting, but I know now that I can go on.

Cheri

Hi Denise,
You certainly are the early bird! Did brief research today after reading your post and discovered that Raymond Carver passed away in 1988 at age fifty. The poem that I quoted is entitled "Late Fragment" and yes that is all of it, short and sweet. Raymond wrote many short stories and his work has been compared to Hemingway's. One reviewer wrote " his work is so honest it hurts."
If you do pick up a copy of The Last Guide I hope that you will enjoy it as much as I did. My first important fishing trip was with my Dad in Algonquin Park- I was 12 years old and we had a guide but not Frank- it was a 2 day adventure that I will never forget- portages, sleeping outside, seeing my first deer close up, and best of all fishing out of a canoe quietly and peacefully. You see I only have one sister, 4 years younger than me, no brothers, so my father instilled in me a love of the outdoors and nature much as he would have done had he had a son. My Dad gave me a precious gift back then, an appreciation for this country's wild and wide open spaces and the confidence to embark on many adventures. If you have never visited Algonquin Park, this book will be the second best thing. However after reading it, you may have to resist an unbearable desire to see it and experience it for yourself. And if Frank is not available, I would be pleased to be your guide.
Take care, Nicole

Hi Nicole,
I too thank you for that lovely story and the poem, Beloved. I have been having a bad week or so, and it's been difficult for me to read some of the posts. Lately, I have again been filled with a terrible longing for my little Hannah girl. I look everywhere for her, but she's not here. I let my baby go on April 19, 2004. She was almost 16 years old. She would have been 16 on July 22, 2004.

I miss her so much, my heart aches today as it ached for so many months. I had been doing better for the last couple of months and then now for some reason, I am just overwhelmed with the loss of her and it scares me. I know I and all of us will feel better as time goes on, and we'll all have days like this from time to time probably.

I still often question myself and sometimes start with the things I wish I had done, might have done, etc. I too used to wonder how I would make it in this world without Hannah. I knew it would be awful, but that's just one of those things we cannot really comprehend until we are going through it. I loved little Miss Hannah more than anything in this world -- yes, she was my beloved Hannah -- and you and Denise remind me again that I let Hannah go BECAUSE I loved her so much and did not want her to suffer. Looking back though, I just wonder how I was able to do it, and it does still bother me. I pray for us all and for our babies too -- all so very beloved, as you said.

Thanks again so much for this post. There are so many new members here since I came on in April. I am sorry that I haven't been responding on the site very much, but I have really been feeling bad lately, physically, mentally and emotionally. I'm not very good company for anyone anywhere right now. It's like a song I heard a couple of times several years ago -- a song I tried everywhere to find - but I don't remember the name of it -- but the phrase goes, "I'm just not myself without you."
Marcia

An old thread I thought might help some of the newer members.

Thanks for bringing it back - I keep forgetting how some of the old posts were so helpful - and that we have new people who need that wisdom NOW.

Happy holidays everyone.

I JUST WANTED TO BRING THIS OLD POST BY MISS MEW BACK. IT BROUGHT ME AND OTHERS HERE A LOT OF COMFORT AND HOPE IT WILL HELP SOME OF YOU TOO.
Marcia

Thanks "Angel" Marcia , for bringing this post back.........

Some of the 'oldies' are the 'goodies'.....

God Bless You All!!

Love, Denise xo

thanks marcia - that is really true and i'm glad that you brought it back up. no matter what happens, or doesn't happen, in our pets' life and death, we experience so much guilt. we wish we would have done something different, and if we had done it differently we would wish that we wouldn't have done it different. i guess you just can't win. but it is a lesson for those of us who have recently lost a pet. i still beat myself up a little bit for keeping kitty alive for as long as i did (which still wasn't very long but she was in such bad shape), but had i not done so, i know for sure that i would have wondered if she could have pulled through. now i know that she most certainly would not have. that post just makes me realize that even more. thanks again! ah