Hi,

I have a question to those of you who may have gone through the same thing. I just had to euthanize Zena, my dog of 11 years, because she had liver cancer and her liver was failing. It was a very traumatic experience for me, well, for the both of us, because the vet couldn’t come out here until after a day of her being in pain. I feel guilty over that, but also relieved that she is finally free from the pain. Anyway, I’m at work as I write this. Something just happened where there was a slight misunderstanding or confusion or…I don’t know what to call it. But you know when you say something and someone just doesn’t get you? It wasn’t anything major, but it’s something that can happen from time to time between people. Suddenly an overwhelming grief overtook me because the thought entered my head that Zena never misunderstood me or didn’t accept me for who I was, and then I could barely stop myself from crying. I had to leave my desk and run to the restroom because I thought I would lose control. Has that ever happened to anyone here, where the grief will suddenly and unexpectedly rise up in the middle of the day when you were around people? What did you do about it? I know this is normal. I’m not worried that I’m peculiar over this, it just was unexpected and took me by surprise. I have to work an event late into Thursday evening, and I’m concerned that I’ll have difficulty with being around people for about 12 hours.

Hugs to all,

Laura

Hi, Laura, please accept my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Zena. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief - - very painful both emotionally and physically, yes -- still very normal. I so remember being thankful for the privacy of the restroom where I could retreat to regain my composure so that I could go back to my desk to resume my work. This grief journey is filled with many different emotions that usually overwhelms us all at one time - - it is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. We find that during our deep grief we have little control of our emotions, and sometimes at moments that are less than ideal when we desperately need some privacy. It is very hard to put on what I call the "public face" and maintain control of that face when our hearts are consumed with the most painful, deep grief we will know on this side of eternity. Just do the best you can, Laura. If you find yourself in a public situation that leads to someone asking you if you are alright, all you need to answer is that you have lost a family member - - or something to that effect. No further explanation is necessary.

Laura, please know you are among friends here who truly do understand what you are going through, and each of us are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Thank you so much for sharing your beloved Zena with us. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing a picture(s) of her with us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Laura, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi moon-beam,

Thank you so very much for your understanding and great advice. I do like that line "I have lost a family member" for when someone who isn't aware of my situation asks. My close co-workers know who that family member is, and of course they sympathize, but breaking down in front of them is still something I would rather not do. Fortunately, I do have the restroom a few paces away from my desk.

I didn't think to include a picture of her. I already posted it in another thread, so it slipped my mind. Here she is. It was taken a month ago after we found out the diagnosis. She had already begun to lose some weight. I am keeping this picture up on my computer as a sort of memorial to her until I'm ready to put it away. Just a coping mechanism that is working out well for me at the moment.



Again, thank you for your kind words. I've mostly been doing reading on this forum, but it has been helping me out quite a lot. I appreciate the fact that this exists and that so many wonderful fellow animal lovers are here to offer friendship.

All the best,

Laura

You are not alone Laura - I lost the love of my life kitty Oliver last December to congestive heart failure (he died in my arms on the way to the ER vet), and then lost another one of my kitties, Henry, two months ago - but I literally lost him, he escaped when I was moving out of my apartment because he was scared, and I have done everything in my power to find him and have not been able to - it has been gut-wrenching, not knowing...regardless, I have spurts of grief too - in fact, just TODAY I was walking out of the grocery storey and thought of both of them and started crying, trying to hold it in as I was wheeling my cart to my car - my face remained calm but I had tears streaming down my face and people looked over at me and I just looked away as I tried to control myself - but I couldn't. I got in my car and let it all out...in fact, as I write this, I am tearing up.

You are not alone. What you describe not only sounds perfectly normal, it IS. Trust me. Grief is a very personal journey, but I've found that a lot of us on here go through the same emotions over our babies - I am struck with grief out of NOWHERE at times. I can be laughing and suddenly start crying...I feel crazy, but know it is normal. I miss my babies more than I could ever explain in words. It has been gut-wrenching.

Anyway, I am so sorry about your precious Zena - sounds like you did the right thing for her, although that doesn't take the pain away. Please know you are not alone...I am over here sobbing in public! And I sometimes cry at my desk at work and have to go to the bathroom before anyone sees me. You are not alone, ever.

Thank you for sharing your feelings - it has helped me realize I am not crazy or alone either, so thank you.

I wish you much peace and healing - Take care and hope you have a peaceful evening,

Ginger

Laura, I still have those feelings a lot. Monday night was 10 weeks to the day that I lost my cat Murfy, and I cried myself to sleep.

Hi Ginger,

I'm so very sorry to hear about your losses. Some people might not understand that to us, it's like losing children. We have this strong urge to protect them from every kind of harm, from illness and calamities, to keep them safe with us under our protective eye. I wouldn't know how I would react if I were to actually 'lose' a beloved pet, as in having it escape to who knows where, but I suspect that I would leave it in God's hands (or a higher power's, depending upon one's beliefs), just like I did with Zena's passing. With any situation where I lose the control, that's what I do. I actually was angry at the cancer because I didn't have the power to stop it. I wanted to take it and kill it with my bare hands in order to protect my baby. But I couldn't, so I believed instead that she would go into God's hands, and He would protect her for me.

Not that I'd prefer you to break down in public, but it is a comfort to know that I have a compatriot in public bawling. I'm not anticipating this to stop anytime soon. I've had tears rolling down my face all evening. Well, it just shows how much they mean to us.

Thank you again, and I wish you all the peace and healing in the world too.

-Laura

Hi Inessence,

I went back and read some of the thread you started on Murphy. He was with you for a very long time. 17 years, I take it? I only had Zena for 11 years, but it seems for so, SO much longer. It's no wonder that when they depart after so many years of giving us companionship, it leaves a profound emptiness inside of us. I'm only on day 3, but for some reason, the grief is starting to hit harder. I may have been partially in shock for the past couple of days, I don't know. Even now, a part of me refuses to believe that she's gone.

The month I had between the diagnosis and her passing was a gift. For the first time since she was a little puppy, I was able to walk her because for most of her adult life, she was a strong puller and I was too small to hold onto the leash. Finally, she and I were able to go out together, at least until her lower back became too weak for her to walk. I had the time to tell her that I love her and will miss her and that she has been a great blessing to me, and that I hope that one day we'll meet again and spend eternity together. On the other hand, that month wasn't long enough. I still wasn't prepared. I realized that even if she weren't ill and lived for another two years, I wouldn't have been prepared then either. I imagine the grief will lessen as time goes on. It may take weeks, months or even years after passing anniversaries, but the love we have for them will never fade.

Thank you for letting me know that I'm not alone in this. Murfy was a beautiful boy, and very lucky to have had such a caring, devoted mother.

-Laura

Hi, Laura, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing, and for sharing this wonderful picture of your beloved Zena with us. She is so beautiful - - there is no mistake in this picture that she KNOWS she is forever loved.

You are very right when you share with us that your beloved Zena is now in God's healing arms. She is now restored to her former youthfulness - - no more pain, no more cancer - - and there is nothing in heaven's perfect garden that can ever harm her. She is surrounded by all the garden residents sharing her love story of her earthly journey with her Forever Mom.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Laura, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Zena's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Laura,

I am so sorry for your loss. My boss thankfully is an animal lover and was incredibly supportive when I lost Penny. I ended up going back to the work the day after we had to put her to sleep but only because I couldn't stand to be at the house alone. I travel a lot in my job and I had to pull over several times the first few weeks because the sobbing would start. I'm lucky that I can hide behind my office door when it comes. It's such a blessing to find one person who understands and there are so many that don't. I just wanted you to know you aren't alone. It's been 8 weeks to the day that I lost Penny and although it's gotten easier my heart still feels like it is shattering some days.

Zena was a gorgeous girl and you can tell from that photo and her eyes that she was very loved and loved you very much in return.

Thank you both, moon_beam and Lindsey, for your encouragement and support and understanding. It goes a very long way. It is fortunate to work with other animal lovers who can sympathize with what you’re going through. My boss and co-workers are all current or former pet owners who have been through the same thing, and it does make a difference. If only society would catch up with us and allow us funeral leave for the following week in order to give us some time at least to pull ourselves together. I can’t remember if I mentioned it, but after Zena was put down by 11pm on Saturday night, I had to get up the next morning to work at another event for a few hours. I was like in a daze on that day. Then Monday was the first normal routine day, and that was very hard too beginning from early in the morning when I left the house. I’m not surprised that we can still break down weeks, months or even years later. We spent years with our beloved pets already and they were like our children. Honestly, I’m glad we have our memories, even if some of them are painful ones. I’d rather have all of it than to forget.

Thank you again for everything and for your kind compliments for Zena. She was a beautiful girl, and now I imagine her being more beautiful than ever.

Gratefully yours,

Laura

Thank you for your kind words Laura - yes, we are definitely comrades when it comes to public displays of bawling And yes, they are like losing children - in fact, they ARE my children and that is how I feel - the part about protecting them from harm, illness, etc., is what has been the hardest for me with Henry, who is lost - not knowing if he's hurt, scared, hungry, feels abandoned, confused - the grief is beyond anything I can describe. It makes me physically ill to think about him out there, unprotected. I talked to an animal communicator who told me that he has passed on - that he ate something toxic and it killed him. I know there is no proof, and I don't know if it's 100% true, but the thought of him dying out there, alone, etc. I cannot handle it. It is too much and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to come to grips with it. It's so hard - I just don't understand why - it seems so unfair, cruel, and has been my worst nightmare come true. I have screamed to the heavens, fallen to the floor convulsing with tears and pain - it has been brutal. But I wouldn't trade the 8 years I had with him for anything - he was the most precious, delicate, gentle, loving little boy - he was so sweet and my life will always be better for having been his mama.

Thank you again for your kind words and sharing in your grief - we're in the same boat, and there is comfort in knowing others understand.

Hope you have a nice weekend and if you need to cry, let it out - it's good for you! I know it has been therapeutic - a good hard cry can feel good - it releases a lot of pain that will ultimately destroy your soul if it's kept bottled up.

Much love, hugs and peace to you Laura!

Your crying comrade,

Ginger

Hi Ginger,

I don't know much about animal communicators. I imagine others here have also used them and believed the outcomes to be valid. I can't really opine on that either way. I would however find it difficult to accept a statement like that when I wasn't there to know for sure. In my mind and heart, the possibilities would be 50/50, either my pet is gone and/or experiencing hardship, or my pet is alive and found a new caretaker. In order to find peace without having the fortune of knowing for sure, I would believe in the latter first, and then I would believe in the possibility of my pet being in pet heaven. I would not believe in it experiencing hardship, because my prayers would take care of that. The one thing I could do that would be under my control is to pray to a higher power to not let my pet suffer. If my pet were indeed gone at this point, whatever suffering it may have gone through has passed, and now it is happy wherever he or she is. Our love can accomplish so many things, things which most of not are even aware of. It is a moving force. We can use it to protect our pets from wherever we are. I may not have been able to stop Zena from dying from cancer, but out of love, I made her as comfortable as I possibly could and released her from pain as soon as I could. It's my belief (opinions may vary, of course) that our love can be seen from above and that if we pray for someone's protection, positive results may happen. Not having control of any situation doesn't sit well with me, I'm sure it doesn't with anyone, but sometimes that is the only thing we can do.

Oh, I assure you, I'm crying just fine. Ha ha. Fortunately, I had yesterday and this weekend off, and if Hurricane Sandy does her thing, I may have more days off after that, even if I have to count it as vacation. If I disappear for a while, it will be because my power went out. Anyway, hugs to you, and I'm sending all of the peace and serenity in the world your way.

Laura