My Xena was 15 yrs old when I had to put her to sleep yesterday. She was my BabyBear. She has been the light in my life and I cannot begin to tell you how profound of a sorrow I feel in my heart. She was maybe 4 weeks old when I found her. She had blue eyes and the spirit of a fighter. I was just going through my divorce and she rescued me. For 15 years, she would look into my eyes and kiss my heart. She was always there with me. She was a great traveler and loved to play. She especially loved to drink from my water glass, eat cantalope and sleep belly up in the sun. On her last day, she gave me one last kiss in the morning.
She went through a lot in her short life. She ate a dryer sheet and had emergency surgery. She made it through a serious ear c&%^ removal surgery, multiple ear infections that seemed to never end but the one thing she couldn't fight was heart failure. Her heart grew and eventually, water started collecting. I took her to her vet who removed the water but told me that she was on the countdown now. Not two weeks later, last Sat eve, she started panting hard again, breathing through her mouth whenever she moved. She looked at me and I knew. It was time for me to make that decision. She was tired. I never left her side and Monday morning, when her vet opened, I took her in. I just couldn't let her go through any more pain or suffering no matter how much I wanted her to stay with me.
When I took her in, I wrapped her in her favorite blanket and a towel that had my scent on it. I laid her on the table and when the doctor gave her the drug to make her sleep (before the one that stopped her heart), she got sleepy but then stood and fought it, as if to show me she was still that fighter just one more time. I looked into her eyes and told her I will love her forever and I was here for her. I said I was sorry for putting her through this and after she passed away, I cried like a baby. She was diagnosed with cardiomyopathy three years ago last July so I knew this was coming. And every birthday of hers, every Thanksgiving, every Christmas, I wondered if this was the last one. I know I had more time than most get and God knows, I thank Him for every minute but I just didn't know the amount of pain I would feel. No matter how much I tried to prepare, nothing could prepare me for this.
I shake. I cry. I'm so sad that my heart hurts and I feel broken. Down to my soul, I hurt. I just can't stop randomly crying or thinking about her. I know it was the right decision but she's gone and I'm struggling to work through that. I don't know what to do. She's gone. I don't know what others have done or how they have made it through each day. I didn't want to go to sleep last night because that meant yesterday was over, the last day I saw her and got to look into her eyes. Please help me -- tell me how to get through this, how to stop crying, how to accept that she's gone. I know one day she and I will be together again, but until then, how do I accept she's gone, that I will never be able to pick her up again and hug her, that I will never kiss her nose again or hear her purr.
Full Version: My Xenabear
Hi MamaBear,
Please accept my deepest sympathy for your loss. I lost my Mollie a little over a month ago. Like your Xena, my Mollie was an older kitty and was developing a lot of health issues. I had to make that very painful (but humane) decision to let her go.
I (and all of us here) totally understand how you feel. My Mollie and I had such a strong bond, and she had been with me for nearly 16 years. She was my companion when I lived alone, before I met my husband, and it took me months to earn her trust (she had been a stray and was terrified of everyone and everything at first). Once I did, however, she was in my heart for good (and always will be).
Grief is different for different people, but like you, I found the sorrow of losing her nearly unbearable. I couldn't think of her without crying, and every time I went into the kitchen I expected her to come in looking for food. Her absence was so profound, I didn't know how to deal with it.
One thing I did right away was to find this forum. It really helps to talk to other people who have gone through, or are going through, what you are. You will never "get over it," as some people think we should, as one never gets over the loss of a loved one. All we can do is slowly grow accustomed to not having them physically with us anymore, and that takes time. I STILL sometimes think I see Mollie out of the corner of my eye (which is quite common), and then I remember. It will get easier as time goes on, and the profound sadness you feel when you think of her will gradually be replaced by the happiness of her memory. She will always be in your heart, but now she is at peace and her little body is no longer feeling any pain or discomfort. WE are the ones in pain, because we can't figure out how to bear the thought of not having them with us anymore. It will come in waves, sometimes when you least expect it. Even though it has been a month, I still find myself feeling a huge wave of sadness when there's a pause in my busy day and I think about Mollie, or I see a picture of her, or see something that reminds me of her. All of this is normal; it's awful, but it's normal. And, take comfort in knowing that you did the right thing, without a doubt, by freeing her soul and letting her be at peace. That is a beautiful thing that we are able to do at the end of their all-too-short lives. Also, Xena obviously had a wonderful life with you and lived about as long as a kitty can (and a lot longer than many do). The loss is just something awful that we have to endure as a trade-off for having given a beautiful creature a wonderful home for so many years.
I hope my words have given you some comfort, but I know that only time can ease the sorrow and pain you feel. In the meantime, allow yourself to grieve, and surround yourself with animal-loving people who understand what you are going through. There are a lot of us out here. And keep talking about her, too (and share pictures!). That helps quite a bit. I posted my favorite picture of Mollie here shortly after she passed; it just made me feel better to let everyone see how beautiful and graceful my girl was. I will miss her forever and she will always be in my heart. Your Xena will always be in your heart, too, and one day you'll be able to think about her with a smile instead of tears. She surely knew you loved her, too, so take comfort in that. You'll always be together, even if her physical presence is no longer. Hang in there, and come to this forum as much as you want/need to. You're not alone. Take care.
Please accept my deepest sympathy for your loss. I lost my Mollie a little over a month ago. Like your Xena, my Mollie was an older kitty and was developing a lot of health issues. I had to make that very painful (but humane) decision to let her go.
I (and all of us here) totally understand how you feel. My Mollie and I had such a strong bond, and she had been with me for nearly 16 years. She was my companion when I lived alone, before I met my husband, and it took me months to earn her trust (she had been a stray and was terrified of everyone and everything at first). Once I did, however, she was in my heart for good (and always will be).
Grief is different for different people, but like you, I found the sorrow of losing her nearly unbearable. I couldn't think of her without crying, and every time I went into the kitchen I expected her to come in looking for food. Her absence was so profound, I didn't know how to deal with it.
One thing I did right away was to find this forum. It really helps to talk to other people who have gone through, or are going through, what you are. You will never "get over it," as some people think we should, as one never gets over the loss of a loved one. All we can do is slowly grow accustomed to not having them physically with us anymore, and that takes time. I STILL sometimes think I see Mollie out of the corner of my eye (which is quite common), and then I remember. It will get easier as time goes on, and the profound sadness you feel when you think of her will gradually be replaced by the happiness of her memory. She will always be in your heart, but now she is at peace and her little body is no longer feeling any pain or discomfort. WE are the ones in pain, because we can't figure out how to bear the thought of not having them with us anymore. It will come in waves, sometimes when you least expect it. Even though it has been a month, I still find myself feeling a huge wave of sadness when there's a pause in my busy day and I think about Mollie, or I see a picture of her, or see something that reminds me of her. All of this is normal; it's awful, but it's normal. And, take comfort in knowing that you did the right thing, without a doubt, by freeing her soul and letting her be at peace. That is a beautiful thing that we are able to do at the end of their all-too-short lives. Also, Xena obviously had a wonderful life with you and lived about as long as a kitty can (and a lot longer than many do). The loss is just something awful that we have to endure as a trade-off for having given a beautiful creature a wonderful home for so many years.
I hope my words have given you some comfort, but I know that only time can ease the sorrow and pain you feel. In the meantime, allow yourself to grieve, and surround yourself with animal-loving people who understand what you are going through. There are a lot of us out here. And keep talking about her, too (and share pictures!). That helps quite a bit. I posted my favorite picture of Mollie here shortly after she passed; it just made me feel better to let everyone see how beautiful and graceful my girl was. I will miss her forever and she will always be in my heart. Your Xena will always be in your heart, too, and one day you'll be able to think about her with a smile instead of tears. She surely knew you loved her, too, so take comfort in that. You'll always be together, even if her physical presence is no longer. Hang in there, and come to this forum as much as you want/need to. You're not alone. Take care.
MamaBear, I just saw your post and am SO sorry for your loss ! How are you doing now that it has been 1 week? I SO understand what you mean about not being able to look into her eyes, hug her, etc. I lost my Dolly in July, and although I DO believe that her spirit (the real her, just not confined within her physical body) is still right with me, I miss her familiar presence so so much.
What saddaddy wrote to you sums up everything I feel but I couldn't have said it nearly as well. I hope that post brings you comfort. Xena wants peace and comfort for you.
If you feel up to it sometime, I would love to see a picture of her.
Please keep us posted on how you are doing, how you are coping each day, and if you are doing anything special for yourself, as Xena certainly would want.
Hugs and understanding,
Kathy
What saddaddy wrote to you sums up everything I feel but I couldn't have said it nearly as well. I hope that post brings you comfort. Xena wants peace and comfort for you.
If you feel up to it sometime, I would love to see a picture of her.
Please keep us posted on how you are doing, how you are coping each day, and if you are doing anything special for yourself, as Xena certainly would want.
Hugs and understanding,
Kathy
Hi, MamaBear, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Xena. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circmstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.
MamaBear, our forum friend Saddaddy has so compassionately shared with you what is also in my heart, so please read his response to you frequently and know that his words of comfort come from my heart as well. If I may offer you some additional words of comfort and encouragement when you share with us: "No matter how much I tried to prepare, nothing could prepare me for this." There is no way in heaven or on earth that you, or any of us, can ever prepare ourselves for the moment in time when our precious companions will no longer be physically with us. And not having their precious sweet physical bodies with us is one of the many reasons why this grief journey is so very painful - - both emotionally and physically. Unfortunately there is no fast forward or delete button we can press to speed up the process or make it immediately disappear. It is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time in your own way and in your own time. It is a journey that will not resolve in an hour, a day, a week, a month - - or even 6 months - - for you are now on a journey filled with all the "first withouts" - - the first minute, first hour, first day, first month, first holiday, first birthday, first vacation - - all the "this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year" to endure. It seems particularly during the deep grief that every moment of every hour of every day has its own special "angel-versary" - - and your heart breaks anew.
I truly wish there were an easier way through this grief adjustment journey - - for that is what it is - - a journey of adjusting to the "new normal" that no longer includes the physical presence of your beloved Xena. There is no way you will ever "get over" or find "closure" to her physical absence - - for this implies that eventually you will forget her - - and I promise you, MamaBear, this will NEVER happen. The love bond you and your beloved Xena share is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Xena's sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey now as she always has and always will. She is always and forever a part of your heart and your memories, MamaBear - - she is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.
I know for a very long time there will be no words in any language that will be able to soothe the seering pain of sorrow that is in your heart. I can only hope the words I share with you will somehow offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey. And as Saddaddy has already shared with you please let me affirm his words of comfort to you: Each of us here do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.
Thank you so much for sharing your beloved Xena with us, MamaBear. I, too, would truly enjoy seeing a picture(s) of your beloved Xena - - but only when / if you want to share a picture of her with us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
MamaBear, our forum friend Saddaddy has so compassionately shared with you what is also in my heart, so please read his response to you frequently and know that his words of comfort come from my heart as well. If I may offer you some additional words of comfort and encouragement when you share with us: "No matter how much I tried to prepare, nothing could prepare me for this." There is no way in heaven or on earth that you, or any of us, can ever prepare ourselves for the moment in time when our precious companions will no longer be physically with us. And not having their precious sweet physical bodies with us is one of the many reasons why this grief journey is so very painful - - both emotionally and physically. Unfortunately there is no fast forward or delete button we can press to speed up the process or make it immediately disappear. It is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time in your own way and in your own time. It is a journey that will not resolve in an hour, a day, a week, a month - - or even 6 months - - for you are now on a journey filled with all the "first withouts" - - the first minute, first hour, first day, first month, first holiday, first birthday, first vacation - - all the "this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year" to endure. It seems particularly during the deep grief that every moment of every hour of every day has its own special "angel-versary" - - and your heart breaks anew.
I truly wish there were an easier way through this grief adjustment journey - - for that is what it is - - a journey of adjusting to the "new normal" that no longer includes the physical presence of your beloved Xena. There is no way you will ever "get over" or find "closure" to her physical absence - - for this implies that eventually you will forget her - - and I promise you, MamaBear, this will NEVER happen. The love bond you and your beloved Xena share is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Xena's sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey now as she always has and always will. She is always and forever a part of your heart and your memories, MamaBear - - she is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.
I know for a very long time there will be no words in any language that will be able to soothe the seering pain of sorrow that is in your heart. I can only hope the words I share with you will somehow offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey. And as Saddaddy has already shared with you please let me affirm his words of comfort to you: Each of us here do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.
Thank you so much for sharing your beloved Xena with us, MamaBear. I, too, would truly enjoy seeing a picture(s) of your beloved Xena - - but only when / if you want to share a picture of her with us. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.
Peace and blessings,
moon_beam
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