It has been almost a month since I said goodbye to my beautiful Nimah and it really hit me hard this weekend. Nimah came into my life four years ago in June as a homeless 6week old kitten when she was dropped off at the vet clinic I was working at. I feel in love with her at first site and knew she had to come home with me. She was my constant companion through many milestones of my life: my final two years of vet school, my first two years of my pathology residency and my first year of marriage. She was my snuggle buddy, my sleeping companion, my study mate and my best friend. Every day I would tell her how much I loved her and how she was so important to me. I gave her all the love in the world, and in return, she loved me without fail.

I found out I was pregnant in June of this year and as a sweet gesture, my husband sent me flowers at the beginning of my second trimester. They say that pregnancy causes brain lapses and I believe this is true or I would have never brought the lilies into my house because I knew they were toxic to cats. I had never really had experience with it though and in the bliss of reaching my second trimester, I just forgot. I also forgot that my cat had one bad habit... to eat things she is not supposed to (hairbows, ribbons, leaves, etc etc). I kick myself for how many things could have been changed that one fateful weekend and my cat would still be here now. I should have known something was really wrong when I found vomit on the floor up on Saturday but since my cat has a history of eating things she shouldn't; she has a history of pancreatitis and I thought maybe she had eaten something and upset her gastrointestinal tract. She still seemed like her normal self. But I was in a hurry on the way to a work function and just cleaned up her vomit. If only I had looked closer at the vomitus, I would have seen leaves..instead I just saw something dark and figured/hoped it was just a hairball. When we got back that night, she seemed a little down but still herself and had not thrown up. But when she threw up multiple times in the night, I knew something was wrong. Sunday morning, I cuddled with her and again, she seemed normal but I was worried. I had a suspicion so I looked at the lilies that were downstairs on the table and sure enough, she had taken a munch out of several of the leaves. But even then, I just didn't realize how serious it was. I knew she needed to go to the vet and get fluids but as always, money is a concern (I am a vet but doing a pathology residency so I am not affiliated with any clinic and therefore don't really get a discount when i have to take my pet in). I eventually took her in to Banfield, which is open Sunday and realized how serious it was when they ran the bloodwork. Her kidney values were really high. I left her at the clinic for the day and transferred her to the emergency clinic overnight. It was the overnight ER doctor that really made it real for me. She told me that my cat's kidney values were really high and despite fluid therapy, she wasn't producing any urine. She was already in anuric renal failure and the prognosis is really poor. I left her at the hospital, praying that she would just start peeing again, and hardly slept through the night. In the morning I called the hospital to check on her progress...no changes. When I talked to the Internist, he was a little more optimistic but still said it didn't look good. I kept her at the hospital all day on Monday but by the end of the day, she still hadn't produced any urine despite fluid therapy and they had to lower the fluids because the fluid wasn't going anywhere and she was becoming overloaded. I knew there was no chance at that point in time and I could tell then that she was one sick kitty. But, she was still alert and curious anytime she was brought into the exam room and she still behaved almost like herself, at least initially. I couldn't put her down when she was like that so I decided to take her home one last night. It was heartbreaking but I needed a chance to say goodbye. She did get excited to see her carrier, however, once she got home, she just wanted to lay down. I put her on the bed and throughout the night she did cuddle up with me like she used to but I knew she was so sick. She didn't really want to be petted, just close to me. In the morning, she got off the bed and went to hide and I knew it was time. Putting her down is the hardest thing I have ever done and losing her has hit me harder than anything ever has. I know she is considered just a pet to other people, but she was my family and there for me in ways no other person could be. As I write this, tears are running down my face. I know I can't feel guilty about what happened but I do and I hate so much that she had to suffer the way she did. But the thing I hate the most is that this could have been avoided. She didn't have a terminal illness; she wasn't dying of old age. She was young, vibrant, and had many years ahead of her. I came to this forum/website because I am having such a hard time dealing with her loss. This should be an exciting time in my life right now but I am so sad right now. I know time will help and it has, but this still is tearing me up inside.

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Hi, jezebk, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Nimah. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Jezebk, this grief journey is one of the hardest experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is filled with many different emotions that usually overwhelm us all at one time - - it is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. One of the many emotions all of us struggle with is guilt, and it is one of the hardest emotions to reconcile. Guilt comes from the looking back - - trying to make sense of all the things that didn't quite add up at the time the circumstances were happening - - and to asking all the "what ifs" "if onlys" and the painful "whys." And this grief journey does not care if we are professionals who intellectually "know" the processes of grief or if we are the "ordinary" person who is confronted with one of the most painful experiences of grief this life can throw at us. The physical loss of a beloved companion affects each of us at the core of our very being. Unfortunately there are no fast forward or delete buttons we can press to speed up the journey or make it immediately disappear. This grief adjustment journey can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time in your own way and in your time. It will not reconcile in an hour, a day, a week, a month, or even 6 months, for there are all the "first withouts" to endure - - the first hour, the first day, the first week, the first month, the first anniversary, the first birthday, the first holiday - - it seems that every moment of every hour of every day is a painful reminder that "this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year" and our hearts break anew. But I promise you that one day when you least expect it you will be thinking of your beloved Nimah and you will find yourself smiling - - truly smling - - and this is what your beloved Nimah wants. It's just going to take time for this to happen for you.

The good news in the midst of all this pain is that the love bond you and your beloved Nimah share is eternal. It is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Nimah continues to share your earthly journey as she always has and always will. She is forever a part of you, jezebk - - she is always and forever in your heart and your memories - - she is always and forever a heartbeat close to you. I know there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of sorrow that is in your heart. I can only hope that the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort as you travel your grief adjustment journey. One of the many things you need to remember is that you are not alone in your grief journey. Each of us here do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Thank you so much for sharing your beloved Nimah with us, and for sharing her beautiful pictures as well. She is a beautiful little girl, and her eyes reflect the love and devotion and you share. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, jezebk, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

{{jezebk}} I am SO sorry about your loss !

Moonbeam's words to you were beautiful and so true. I hope you take them to heart.

I just "came back" to this forum this past July when I lost my precious Dolly to the same thing! NIGHTMARE - and the vets do not know what actually caused it. I still question myself as to .. was it something I had in the house that she got into....... I know I can't dwell on that. Dolly doesn't want me to...

I recently moved, and now that I'm settled in (later than expected), I am back here and how strange that I immediately hit upon your story, with Nimah & Dolly having passed of the same thing.

You may be hearing from "Greta's Mom" - but in the meantime I want to pass on a poem that she shared with me that brought me SO much peace:

QUOTE (Gretta's Mom @ Jul 21 2012, 08:47 AM)

Good morning Kathy

I'm so glad you had the experience of your one-and-only soul-mate putting herself in your path and you two finding each other. I want to share with you a poem that LoveMyMickey wrote for me when I was feeling very guilty at having left my Gretta over night at the U of MN vet School hospital because I was too scared to take care of her at home. And that was her last night on earth. Alone all because of my cowardice. It was horrible.

I'm an old "folkie" and know many, many folk, blues and traditional gospel songs. After Gretta passed, I took our walks alone and to comfort myself, made up verses to these songs. My last two were to the tune of "Hobo's Lullaby" )best know in the Woody Guthrie version):

I'm sorry for the pain I caused you
All because I did not know
That you were sick and you were hurting
And that was why you walked so slow.

I'm sorry that I left you with them
On what would be your last night here.
Can you forgive me for that Gretta?
That's what my heart most wants to hear.

And beautiful, kind, amazing LoveMy Mickey (an LS sister) wrote two verses of Gretta's answer:

Oh mommie in the end as always
Nothing that you did was wrong.
No matter where I was I felt it,
You're love for me was oh so strong.

Oh mommie, mommie please don't worry
For there is nothing to forgive. (This line has made me sob uncontrollably many, many times)
A life of peace and joy and gladness
Is what I want for you to live.

May this lovely poem confort you as it had comforted me - even though the comfort always comes with tears. Dolly-cat is in the perfect World with Gretta, all her cousins, all the wonderful animals who've been honored on this site, all the animals who have passed with no one ot mourn for them and all the animals who gave their lives in the interest iof "Science."

jezebk,

I lost my girl about a month ago too. The decision to put her to sleep was the hardest one I've ever had to make. Take care of yourself (and baby!) -- Nimah would never want you to be sad or hurting.

I will be praying for you.

Jezebk, my heart goes out to you over the loss of your precious Nimah. What a beautiful cat! I know Siamese are intelligent, affectionate, and athletic cats who get very attached to their human. I am so sorry that you lost her in such a tragic way. But Nimah knows that this was an unfortunate accident as you would never have done this on purpose. I am sure she was comforted so much having spent that last night snuggled close to you for comfort. I pray that in time your heart will heal.