Christina
Oct 29 2004, 07:57 PM
My name is Christina. Two days ago, my very best friend, my beautiful kitty, Cassiopia, passed away. I don't know how to cope. I feel like I can't live without her!! I won't tell the long story yet, because I am crying so much I'm having trouble seeing the screen. Cassiopia(Cassie for short)was abandoned as a kitten 10 years ago. I found her and took her in. But she was the one who saved my life, in so many different ways. I was 18 at the time, and a very leading kind of a bad life. Then along came this little angel, this tiny orange and white beautiful kitten. She was way too young to be away from her mother, so I fed her with a medicine dropper and nursed her back to health. But she was the one who saved my life. Having my precious little angel to take care of changed my life around. I don't know where I would be now without her! Over the years, she and I shared everything. She became my very best friend in the world. I never thought of her as a cat...she was my child. She had such a wonderful personality! She layed on me when I was sleeping at night. She purred and rubbed my legs. I swear, we even had conversations!! We went through everything, and in many ways, I loved Cassie more than I loved most people!! About 5 months ago, I had a baby girl, Morgan. Morgan and Cassie became the best of friends!! Cassie guarded her crib at night, and sometimes, she even jumped inside the crib with her little sister! Cassie was not feeling herself, I could tell. I had been bringing her to the vet since the first of the year. She was vommiting, once or twice a week. The vets(Isaw two of them)kept telling me it was nothing. Finally, I pushed them to do a full blood work up, etc....Cassie was diagnosed with diabetes in June. I was so devestated and scared, but I found the wonderful people on the Feline diabetes message board. They talked me through injections and hometesting and I quickly did all the research and learned everything I possibly could!! Well, something else was wrong with my Cassie. In the last couple of months, she started having softer stools, then eventually diarrhea, and the vomitting increased. I pushed the vet to find out what was wrong, but the vet kept telling me it was unregulated diabetes. I knew something more was going on...Cassie was a very sick kitty. So, I took her to the local emergency clinic, as well as another vet in town. Xrays and many other tests were done, and the docs told me something was starting to affect almost all of Cassie's organs. My husband, our baby, and I packed up and took my Cassie to a specialist hospital, 2 1/2 hours away. The internists there did ultrasounds and other tests. They told me Cassie had fatty liver disease, she was in bad DKA, and that she most likely had cancer. I just lost it. They basically told me she only had a couple of months, at the most. I just wanted to take her home and get her comfortable. But the docs could not stabilize her. I held my angel in my arms, and she passed away at 4:50 pm on Tuesday, October 26th. I held her to the very end. I feel like I am losing it!! Now I feel so guilty and I wish I had just kept her home and not brought her to the hospital. I didn't want my angel to live her last days in a hospital. I feel so guilty, sad and lost. I don't know how to live without my angel!! I would have given my own life for my girl if I could have. Thank God I have my baby girl, Morgan, or I wouldn't want to go on living at all. Cassie was my child, and I don't know how to go on without her!! I'm sorry to go on and on. Thank you all for listening!!
Christina (and my Cassie angel, in heaven)
SJ J & S
Oct 29 2004, 09:29 PM
Hi Christina,
For now all you can do is concentrate on breathing.
Take each minute as it comes and eventually you will be able to take each day as it comes. A friend of mines just lost her husband at 48 and she said to me yesterday as long as I don’t think about next week I can cope.
Believe me you will find many things to torture yourself with, and I'm afraid for a long time to come yet, but after each punishing thought say to yourself, I love Cassiopia and Cassiopia loves me, we did the best for each other that we could.
It was the hardest decision you will ever have to make, your heart took over your brain and now your brains back in play, and when do we ever pat ourselves on the back and give ourselves loving encouraging thoughts?
Try to be gentle with yourself you did everything right the same that we would all have done because we love our babies.
Take good care of you as I'm sure Cassiopia is doing but from Rainbow Bridge now.
Love Sue
Wanda
Oct 29 2004, 10:07 PM
Christina,
I am so sorry for the loss of your precious sweet Cassie. You and she had a very special and loving relationship!
She loves you just as much as you love her.
You did everything that you could for your baby and she thanks you for that. She wants you to be alright and you need to be alright for her. She's at Rainbow Bridge and is no longer sick. She is healthy, playing, running, and having a good time with all her new friends! She misses you just as you miss her and she's waiting for you no matter how long it takes and then you will be reunited. She is still with you in spirit and you will know she is there with you. Please keep coming here and write as often as you need to. We're all here for you!
My 17 yr-old furkitty passed in June and I had a really rough time over it. I was a basket case! My baby died in my arms at home. The grief was horrible and I thought I'd never get through it but I did. I miss and love my furbaby so much! Someone referred me to this site and I'm glad I came here. There are many nice and caring people here!
Once again, I am so sorry for the loss of Cassie.
Wanda
BabyHannahsMom
Oct 29 2004, 11:02 PM
Christina,
I am SO, SO sorry to hear about Cassie. My goodness though, you certainly did EVERYTHING, EVERY STEP OF THE WAY to help and save your girl. You did ALL you could do. In time, I hope you will come to realize that and KNOW that. I went through a very major guilt period (I still have to push the "should haves," "wish I would haves," "why did I," "why didn't I", etc., away).
Sue is so right you did what your heart told you needed to be done, and now your mind is just going back over it all. Your Cassie was so sick, and there was nothing else you could have done. I know when some of the fog clears, you will understand that, although you wish she could have been at home and not at the hospital, you would have really beaten yourself up if you had not taken her to the hospital. (I bet you already realize that, don't you?) You were very brave, and you tried so very hard, and you were with her to the very last. Cassie was lucky, really lucky and blessed to have you as her best friend. You were there with her always, and Cassie knew/knows that.
Please keep posting here. It helps so much, and everyone here really does understand and most of us have felt like you do. Also, please try to read some of the articles relating to the guilt that is such a normal part of the grieving -- there are several links on this site to some good articles dealing with the "guilt." Please take care of yourself. And hold on tightly to your other little child and the other important people in your life. I hope you have some support there with you, but I KNOW you have lots of support, encouragement, understanding and some good friends here at LS who will be here for you.
Marcia
Baby Hannah's Mom and Babe's Mom
Rosalind
Oct 30 2004, 05:00 AM
Christina,
I am very sorry for the loss of your kitty, first off.
When did you first notice she was sick? Your post really get to me, because I just lost my Jack to fatty liver disease last night, and up until this past week he did not seem very sick at all, and I am kicking myself wondering why why why didn't he tell us he was sick--we would have done anything to fix him if we had known, I work for a university that has some of the best vets in the country, if he had just told me he was sick somehow I would have done anything.
We took him to the vet about six weeks ago because he was having urinary/kidney troubles, which is not unusual in male cats eating dry food, even though his dry food was supposedly formulated so it wouldn't cause cystitis. The vet treated him for the cystitis and put him on canned prescription diet food, and Jack got better within 24 hours. He ate his prescription food fine for a couple weeks, then we tried him on fish flavor canned food and he didn't like that. He developed this pattern of eating very little for a couple days, then eating a normal-sized portion of food for a couple days, then eating very little or nothing again. Well, we got more chicken-flavored, thinking that would fix the finicky eating, and it didn't. He kept eating only a little once in a while, then this past week he didn't eat at all. The whole time, for the past six weeks, he was still friendly, he played with the cat toys and with the other cats, his coat was shiny and softer than it's ever been--normally he got mats really bad, and we thought the food must be working for him to be so soft. He lost weight, but he was on a diet to lose weight and help his cystitis, so we didn't think much of it. He did eat full portions sometimes, just not all the time. When we called the vet this week, he said give him plain boiled chicken and see if he eats that, and he did eat a reasonable amount of chicken for my husband. Thursday night was the first time he truly seemed ill, other than when he had urinary stones: he hid in the bathroom, wouldn't sleep on the bed in his usual spot (cuddled up to me--being kept warm by your husband on one side and a purring 25-lb. Maine Coon on the other is the best way to wake up on a winter morning), and would not even eat boiled chicken. His eyes, ears and gums were all normal color, but my husband took him to the vet the next morning when he still wasn't eating and was not his usual cheerful self. The vet started IV fluids and gave him some medication for liver support and said, leave him here and we will keep him overnight. My husband said he could hardly stand to leave our Jackypuff there, in obvious pain, but he had to go to work. The vet called at 7 last night to tell us that Jack had died and that he would do an autopsy this weekend because normally fatty liver disease gives more symptoms and does not kill animals within 24 hours of symptoms like that.
I feel like I should have noticed something more, but I can't think of what. He kept cuddling, his belly did not seem to be tender, he played, his reactions were normal when we got out the feather toy, and he did eat regular portions sometimes. Since I work with our vet professionally (I'm a biologist and he is on our university Animal Care and Use Committee), I will feel like a complete asshole when I have to talk to him this weekend in person about the autopsy results and to collect Jack's remains, because I don't know how I will manage it without crying. I can't stop crying now, I don't understand why he died, why they weren't able to save him (most cats who get fatty liver disease survive if they get treatment), why Jack didn't tell us he was sick sooner. My husband cried himself to sleep, I am just sitting here hugging a picture of Jack and sobbing, I cannot sleep because I haven't got my Puff to cuddle.
LittleGirl'sMommy
Nov 3 2004, 04:57 AM
Christina,
I'm so sorry!
You did EVERYTHING you could possibly do, and Cassie knows that. You did EVERYTHING out of your love for her.
Even though her body is not still here with you, her spirit is (I believe there are no time and space boundaries in the blissful realm Cassie is in). You 2 will always be connected, and when it is your time to pass on, you'll be fully reunited. That time to Cassie will feel like a split-second from now.
For some reason, her time in her physical body was up.
Keep coming here. We'll help you!
You are the most wonderful Mom.
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