I was really feeling like I was getting a hold of things. I told myself I was gonna be strong...and for the last week I haven't even cried more than once. I picked myself up and decided to go on....but I am questioning if I am really going on. I feel lost and in a major way. I actually broke up with my boyfriend this week out of nowhere. Not even sure why...he's a great guy (a little scared of commitment) but I am just not sure if I m sabotoging myself or if this is a normal reaction. I almost feel that it would be easier for me to be sad about my boyfriend so I decided to break my heart again with him (just 10 days after I lost Pox)...it distracts me from the fact that Pox is not here. I know I can't possibly be done grieving. It hasn't even been 2 weeks. It is like she is here, but she's not. Quite honestly...I feel like I am losing my mind. I feel very numb, and very hard hearted...which is very unlike me. I have made myself not think about her, not miss her and not feel bad about putting her to sleep. The last part makes sense. I have come to terms with that one (putting her down). I know it was best for her and she has lived a long life. I have so many wonderful memories with her and that keeps me somewhat sane. But the fact that I have been telling myself I am okay and that I am "handling" this all so well scares me. I wonder if I really am or if it is gonna hit me soooooooo hard later on. I know I probably sound like a crazy lady. I feel like one. Does any of this make sense?

not crazy...

grief ebbs and flows, it is not a clear cut break from sad to happy. you may experience waves of grief
even months from now, something that reminds you of Pox. let it come, understand the feelings, and
it will again pass. remember, grieving is individualistic...there is no time frame or limit and everybody
grieves in different ways. eventually the sadness will turn to fond memories, i guarantee it!

You may not think it’s the same thing, but to this day I don’t know why I did it but 8 months later and still grieving I packed up smocking.

To this day I don’t know where that came from, I was one of your hard and fast smokers, no one’s going to take my fags (to you Americans cigarettes) away from me.

I like to think my girls had something to do with it, poor darlings had to live in a 2 bed bungalow for 17 years with two 20 a day smokers and Jude would sneeze so often.

So I don’t know, maybe Pox had something to do with it or maybe its just a case of our bodies are clearing out a load of mess so we can stop grieving it might as well clear up a few other things along the way.

Hell while your down you might as well get it all over and done with in one hit.

If your sorry for dumping your guy then I'm sure he will understand that your not yourself and have another go, but be sure its what you want before you talk to him.

Love Sue
By the way it will one year in two weeks.

Not crazy at all -- I understand. It may be that you did break up with your boyfriend to change your focus -- not much that I know of that hurts more than losing your best little buddy Pox. I believe that instead of really grieving for Hannah at first and for quite some time, I just kept focusing on having had her put to sleep and the guilt I felt. It was so very hard -- it was just about unbearable to let myself feel how very much I just missed that little girl. It still is when I really think about it.

So, yes, lots of us felt the way you feel -- like we we "losing it," "going crazy," "just wanted them back," and felt like we just might not make it and confused too. You will make it, but please keep posting here, please read some books and/or articles about this loss. It really helps, or at least it helped me. One thing you will find from these articles is that you need to let yourself feel your feelings. I know it feels so unbearable you just want to push it away, and sometimes we do have to push it away. I think our minds let us deal with things when we become ready.

Maybe you might want to just talk to your boyfriend and tell him how you are feeling. I hope he understands how much Pox meant to you. Please take care of yourself and keep coming here. You are in my prayers.
Love,
Marcia
Baby Hannah's Mom and Babe's Mom